Chapter 6: Resignation and determination

“What do I do now?”

After finishing the meal, I casually asked the teacher.

But he seemed to misunderstand, spouting nonsense.

“What do you mean ‘what to do’? You’ve eaten, so go to sleep. Go in and sleep.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m asking how I’m supposed to live from now on with this body that’s become a woman’s.”

The teacher, who had been chewing a mouthful of pizza, shrugged his shoulders and spoke.

“First, you have to wait until the hospital results come out. Only then can you change your gender registration.”

“What about next?”

“Next, you’ll have to figure it out yourself. Since you can’t debut, you can either aim for debut again as a trainee, or just go to school like a normal person. It’s up to you.”

“…You want me to be a trainee again with this body? Surely, a girl group?”

“Then are you going to debut as a boy group with that body?”

“That wouldn’t work…”

“Right. So, let’s decide now. Become a trainee again and debut as a girl group. Or give up and just go back to being a normal person. Choose.”

The teacher’s face, which had been full of mischief just moments ago, suddenly turned resolute and stern.

I had thought I still had time to think, but it was too sudden.

“Can’t you give me a little time to think? It’s too sudden…”

“Hey, what is there to think about? From my perspective, there’s only one option.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t even need to think about it, you idiot, you absolutely have to debut as a girl group. Do you have the confidence to live a normal life as an ordinary person now? Are you going to go back to the orphanage like this?”

“…”

Confidence to live normally as an ordinary person?

Of course, I don’t have that.

Go back to the orphanage?

There’s no way I can go back.

The future of children raised in an orphanage without any blood relatives is dark and utterly miserable.

Of course, there are exceptions, but it’s much more common for them to lead difficult lives.

I’ve seen that since I was young.

I’ve seen many older brothers and sisters wandering aimlessly without any particular goals.

Older brothers who neglected studies and were busy fighting, and older sisters who borrowed their influence.

There’s no good news to be found among the updates from older brothers and sisters who left the orphanage.

The moment they leave the orphanage, they have to overcome everything on their own, and honestly, it’s just too harsh for people who have just become adults.

For others, it might be different, but for me, becoming an ordinary person means heading towards that harsh future.

I absolutely cannot go back.

With the sole determination to become a singer, I left the orphanage and began living in the dorms as a trainee.

With the support of the agency and the Director.

But now, they’re telling me to give up on debuting and go back?

That’s absurd.

I can’t do that.

I have to debut no matter what.

I have to repay the Director.

So, I can’t give up like this.

“I’ll do it. Girl group.”

At my calm words, the teacher’s eyes widened in surprise.

It seemed he hadn’t imagined I would say I’d do a girl group.

Even though he was the one who suggested it.

“Really? Not a boy group, but a girl group? Are you really going to do it?”

“You know I don’t really have another choice.”

“Yes, I know. But honestly, I didn’t expect you to accept it so quickly. I thought you’d ponder it a bit more.”

“You told me to decide now, didn’t you?”

“No, I’m not some kind of devil. Even though I said that, I was going to wait if you were having too much trouble.”

The teacher, flustered, rattled off excuses.

Just a moment ago, he had that stern, serious expression, telling me to decide now. What’s with this?

“Anyway, from now on, I’ll be active as a girl group trainee, right?”

“Once the test results come out and your gender registration is changed. And we still haven’t decided what to do about your identity.”

“My identity?”

“Yes. I looked into it, and you have to decide whether to just change your name and gender on your male identity, or to create an entirely new female identity.”

“Do I really have to do that? If I just change my name and gender…”

“If you do that, everyone around you will know you’re a TS patient. Even though it’s widely known thanks to the global uproar, it hasn’t been fully accepted by society yet. Especially not in our country.”

“Ah…”

“If those crazy people start digging, your gender change will quickly be exposed. It’s better to create an entirely new identity as if you were born female.”

Debut hasn’t even been decided yet, but there’s so much to worry about.

Of course, it’s not like I disagree with the teacher’s opinion.

It just feels a bit complicated, like the person named Shin Siwoo has disappeared.

“We’ll handle the difficult parts, so you just need to focus on your lessons. Understood?”

“Yes.”

****

“Hey, where’s Siwoo?”

The first to greet Hyunsik upon his return to the dorm was Taemin, the only member his age.

Rather than greeting Hyunsik, he seemed to be looking for Shin Siwoo’s whereabouts, but Hyunsik didn’t particularly mind.

It wasn’t the first time Taemin had shown particular affection for Siwoo.

“He’s staying at the teacher’s house for a while, I heard.”

“At the teacher’s house? Why? Did something happen?”

“Why do you ask? We can’t bring a kid in that condition here, can we?”

“That’s… true… No, more importantly, is that really Siwoo?”

Taemin followed Hyunsik towards the kitchen, asking.

He seemed determined not to miss a single thing regarding Shin Siwoo.

It was like a parent fussing over their child.

Hyunsik frowned at Taemin’s usual demeanor.

“They still don’t know. They said it’ll take a few days for the test results to come out.”

“Really? Still, since the teacher took her, it must be Siwoo after all.”

Hyunsik, who had been drinking water, nodded and recalled the woman who had emerged from the bathroom, the one he had just left in the dark car.

A woman whose hair was so disheveled she could have been mistaken for a ghost.

A woman who had a perpetually wronged and frustrated expression.

A woman who had stared intently at him as he got out of the car.

The woman who claimed to be Shin Siwoo.

The youngest member, who was the same age as Yoon Siwoo, and the poor maknae who had turned into a woman right before their debut.

“Tsk…”

Hyunsik found himself accepting her claim without realizing it and clicked his tongue.

And realizing that, despite being the leader, there was nothing he could do, he let out a small sigh.

“Did you all shower? What about dinner?”

“We showered. We ate too.”

“Okay… I should shower too.”

The moment Hyunsik entered the bathroom.

The firmly closed door opened.

Yoon Siwoo emerged with a disgruntled expression and spotted Taemin.

“Hyung, has there been any contact yet?”

“No contact, but Hyunsik came.”

“What? Hyunsik hyung is here?”

“He just went in to shower.”

“Ugh, if he was here, you should’ve said something…”

As Yoon Siwoo entered the room with an annoyed expression, the other members soon rushed out.

“What happened to Siwoo?”

“He’s staying at the teacher’s house, I heard.”

As soon as Taemin answered Harang’s question, Minsoo frowned.

“No, but was it even Shin Siwoo in the first place? They said they’d get tested, what about the results?”

“They still don’t know. They said it’ll take a few days for the test results to come out.”

“Are they not just pulling some trick to gloss it over?”

“Since the teacher went with them, it probably isn’t that.”

“But what’s going to happen to her now?”

At the single word that came from Harang’s mouth, everyone fell silent.

Everyone’s expressions were dark, as if they already knew Shin Siwoo’s future.

Even Minsoo, who had shown immense hostility upon seeing Shin Siwoo as a woman, had a bitter expression.

Unable to bear the awkward atmosphere, Minwoo and Harang quietly went back into their rooms.

“It’s pitiful, but there’s nothing we can do. She can’t debut as is.”

Breaking the silence, Minsoo spoke, stating the obvious truth that everyone already knew.

“That’s true, but still… why now, of all times…”

“What can we do? We have to continue with our debut preparations.”

Uttering words that might sound cold, Minsoo also went into his room.

The two members who were closest to Shin Siwoo remained, creating a gloomy atmosphere.

“I’ll go to school later if I have time.”

“Huh?”

Taemin, who had looked up at Yoon Siwoo’s sudden words, soon understood what he meant and nodded.

“Did you say you were in the same class?”

“Not the same class, but the very next one. It’s ridiculous, but I’ll go check if she’s come to school, just in case.”

“Okay. Haah… I’m really tired today. I’m just going to sleep.”

“Okay, good night.”

Yoon Siwoo patted Taemin’s slumped shoulders as he entered the room, then exhaled deeply.

‘Now that the noisy guy is gone, the dorm is suddenly quiet.’

****

“Have a good day…”

I saw off the teacher, who was leisurely looking into the mirror after putting on his shoes.

There were still about two days until the test results came out, and since I was effectively out of the debut group, I decided to stay quietly at the teacher’s house.

He said he would bring my belongings from the dorm when he returned, so all I really had to do was wait quietly.

“Alright. Lock the door properly, and if anyone comes, just pretend you’re not here. Got it?”

He turned his head as if he had finished checking everything and spoke in a worried voice.

His expression was like that of someone worrying about a child left alone to guard the house.

“I got it. I’m not a child, so why are you so worried…?”

“Hmm. For food, I left a card on the table, so order something appropriate. If you get bored, there’s a gaming laptop in my studio, so you can play games with that.”

“I get it! Now stop and go! Anyone would think a child is home alone!”

“You are a child.”

“A high school student isn’t a child!”

“If you’re still getting school lunches, you’re a child. Anyway, I’m leaving now, so take good care of the house.”

“Just go already!”

He seemed unconcerned by my nagging, waving his hand dismissively as he slowly left the house.

I never dreamed I’d still hear such things at this age.

Treating me like a child is fine up to a point, seriously.

A high school student should be able to take care of themselves to some extent by now.

Overprotection isn’t good for a child, you know.

“Haah…”

With a sigh, I went to the kitchen and saw a card on the table.

I thought I wouldn’t necessarily need to use it and could just eat whatever was at home.

Thinking that, I opened the refrigerator.

“…”

All that was inside was beer and drinks.

Opening the freezer, I found it full of ice cream.

There was absolutely nothing that could be called a meal.

What on earth does he eat?

“I guess I’ll have to order delivery…”

But it was time for breakfast, let alone lunch, so I just resolved to do it later and sat on the sofa.

I immediately turned on the TV and watched a music channel.

A survival program featuring relatively lesser-known idols was on.

There was no way it was a live broadcast at this hour, so it was probably a rerun.

Various groups competing by showcasing their performances.

Watching them made me feel a little depressed.

I immediately switched to a channel completely unrelated to music.

It seemed to be a movie channel, and a film I’d never seen was playing.

No, it might be a drama.

American dramas are always popular, even if I don’t know them.

A blonde actress was smiling brightly, seemingly very happy about something.

And the man looking at her was also smiling.

I didn’t know why the two of them were smiling at each other, but I just watched blankly.

It seemed to be about the woman getting a promotion and being celebrated.

The two, who had been enjoying a meal at an expensive restaurant, returned home and shared a passionate kiss.

The two passionately kissed as they headed towards the bed.

And then the screen suddenly went dark.

The switched screen showed a man and a woman lying in bed after having “completed the great deed.”

It seemed like a romance movie, but it didn’t really appeal to me.

Since I hadn’t seen it from the beginning, I couldn’t get into it, so I just turned the TV off entirely.

I couldn’t expect any interesting shows at this hour, so flipping through channels would be futile.

I exhaled softly and collapsed onto the sofa.

I don’t know why the bright, clear sky felt so unpleasant.

My mood wasn’t improving at all.

In my depressed state, I fumbled through my pocket for my smartphone, but then realized I had left it at the dorm.

“Ugh…”

I couldn’t sleep, I was gloomy, and now my stomach hurt too.

Was it because I overate for the first time in a while yesterday?

But it didn’t seem to be that.

It wasn’t like I needed to go to the bathroom or anything.

The pain I felt in my stomach was a little different.

I rubbed my stomach, where a strange pain was rising, and closed my eyes.

Thanks to a good night’s sleep, I wasn’t sleepy, but I just wanted to stay still like this.