Chapter 10: Trainee (2)

Once I returned home, finished dinner, and took a shower, it was already midnight.

The teacher went into the studio and hasn’t come out, I wonder what he’s doing again.

He ate at such an incredible speed that I was worried he might get indigestion.

‘Work-obsessed’ must be a phrase coined after seeing the teacher.

He’s the very definition of a workaholic.

Living like that, it’s no wonder he can’t get married and his home is a mess.

I lay down on the still incredibly awkward bed, silently listing the teacher’s flaws.

Choi Yoojung and her friends were chatting animatedly on the smartphone in my hand.

They had been asking non-stop since evening if practice was over, and the moment I sent a short reply, the conversation became endless.

I considered ignoring them, but it felt a bit bad to ignore someone who had even borrowed a gym uniform for me.

Looking at the screen, they were talking about some girl from another class dating a boy from our class.

Since they were kids whose names I’d never heard, I just nodded along appropriately and closed my eyes.

Thanks to having the alarm off, it didn’t ring loudly, but it somehow bothered me, so I tossed it gently onto the pillow.

Then I massaged my thighs, which had moved strenuously for the first time in a while.

There was the excuse of loosening muscles, but honestly, I was touching them because the soft, smooth texture felt pleasant.

When I was a man, I had leg hair, and muscles were more prominent than flesh.

Looking at them like this, I truly feel like a woman.

It’s quite a fresh realization.

After my thighs, it was my calves, and then my forearms.

As I massaged various parts of my body, a strange feeling began to emerge.

I stopped the hands that had been diligently indulging my body and took a breath.

‘It’s absurd to feel strange while touching my own body.’

‘It really is absurd, but what can I do when I actually feel that way?’

Every time I bathe, it’s nothing short of torture.

The sudden massage was also because the heat from my bath hadn’t fully subsided, causing my hands to move wildly.

‘I didn’t do it because I wanted to.’

“…”

Quickly realizing it was a pathetic excuse, I picked up my smartphone again.

Then I typed “narcissist” into the search bar.

Feeling one’s own body is attractive isn’t normal, no matter how I think about it.

‘So, am I not actually a normal person, but a narcissist who loves herself?’

‘More precisely, did I become a narcissist because I became a woman?’

With those thoughts, I tried a self-diagnosis.

But the result was just “normal person.”

Surprisingly, those in entertainment-related fields have slightly higher self-love than the average person, but I was at an average level.

To be aiming to be an idol, a celebrity, yet be at an average person’s level of self-love?

‘Isn’t this a problem in itself?’

As my mind filled with various thoughts, sleepiness gradually began to set in.

It was past midnight, so it was indeed time to sleep.

“Haaam…”

After yawning wide, I turned off the light and burrowed into my blanket.

Just as I was about to drift off pleasantly, feeling the warm embrace of the blanket.

A loud noise burst from the smartphone I had placed by my head.

As if saying it would never let me sleep.

I checked to see who it was, and it was a completely unknown number.

Since it started with 010, it didn’t seem like an advertisement.

‘Should I answer…?’

Just as I was about to fall into a pleasant sleep, a phone call.

And at such a late hour.

Honestly, I didn’t want to answer.

I just wanted to ignore it and sleep.

However, recalling what had happened in the practice room a few hours earlier, I quickly picked up my smartphone.

Like a predator snatching its prey.

“H-hello?”

– Oh? Hello? Um, is this Hanasia’s phone number?”

“Ahem. Sunbaenim, yes, this is Hanasia…”

I replied, trying to clear my surprisingly hoarse voice.

‘My voice got hoarse just from dozing off a little.’

– Ah, were you perhaps sleeping?”

“No, I was awake.”

– You sound like you were sleeping, though? Your voice sounds like someone who just woke up.”

“…Actually, I did doze off a little.”

– I’m sorry. I called too late. I’ll hang up now, go back to sleep.

“I’m fine, though…”

– No. We can talk again tomorrow morning. Sleep well.

“Ah… yes. Good night.”

– Oh, right. My number should be displayed, so you can save it. And don’t call me Sunbaenim, call me Unnie. Got it? Then, really, good night!

After rattling off a bunch of words, the call suddenly ended.

“Uh, Unnie…?”

‘To be told to call her Unnie, for anyone else maybe, but for me, that’s a really difficult request…’

‘Calling her Noona wouldn’t work, would it?’

I saved the number from the call history as “Unnie” for now.

It’s unlikely, but just in case someone might see it.

I feel a bit resistant to calling her Unnie, so I don’t know what to do.

So, I’ll think about it slowly later.

Because right now, I just want to sleep quickly.

****

Waking up in the morning, getting ready for school, and studying at school.

After school, vocal and dance lessons at the practice room.

Returning home and sleeping.

It was exactly the same as when I first started my trainee life a year ago.

The only slight difference was that Shin Siwoo had become Hanasia, and the environment surrounding Hanasia was a little different from Shin Siwoo’s time.

Like there were more women than men around me, whether at school or at the agency building, or the level of expectation the agency had for me was different.

Honestly, when I was Shin Siwoo, I wasn’t particularly expected much from.

I didn’t have an overflowing personality, and I simply just wanted to become a singer.

That’s not to say my skills were lacking.

Even if not dance, my singing ability was certainly solid.

Since I was even the main vocalist in the debut group, I believe my skills were definitely excellent.

The dance, which lagged behind my singing, felt like something I had just clawed my way up through sheer effort.

But now, I’m being expected even more from than when I was Shin Siwoo, which puts me in a slightly awkward situation.

Among the trainees, I’m subtly being checked, with whispers that a formidable competitor suddenly appeared.

Or rather?

Perhaps it’s more accurate to say I’m being ostracized rather than just checked?

“It’s the same today. Honestly, I don’t even think she’s that good. Don’t you think the favoritism is too obvious?”

“Exactly. They make such a fuss about her being good at everything, it’s a bit much to watch. If you’re a teacher, you should be a little fair. When you openly show favoritism, from the student’s perspective, it’s a bit…”

The trainers, perhaps influenced by the teacher, showered me with praise.

To be honest, receiving praise felt good, but rumors of being favored by famous producers and trainers naturally followed.

“They say she’s close with SEVENZ too?”

“SEVENZ?”

“You know them. The boy group debuting this time. Someone said they saw her talking with them at the cafe on the first floor last time. The way she was flirting was truly a sight to behold.”

“Oh, right. Now that you mention it, I also saw her talking with Lim Yuri Sunbaenim the other day.”

“Really? Come to think of it, she had ‘Yuri Unnie’ saved on her phone, isn’t that the Sunbaenim? She even put a heart next to it! She showed it to me, smiling so proudly, you know? She really has no shame.”

“She probably thinks she’s hot stuff because everyone’s fawning over her. Girls like that always mess up later when they get too cocky. How can she be so oblivious to how much of an eyesore she is?”

Not only that, but rumors also spread that I was close with SEVENZ, who were about to debut, and the senior group, IVE.

There were many strange details, but since the friendships were real, it wasn’t exactly a false rumor, which made it awkward.

And these awkward rumors very naturally isolated me among the trainees.

They don’t overtly bully me.

They just make it blatantly obvious to anyone watching that they dislike me.

They glare at me, whisper, and keep their distance.

It wasn’t severe, but it was enough to briefly remind me of my middle school days.

It’s different from Shin Siwoo, who rose with nothing but effort.

Hanasia, scouted by a famous producer and having connections with SEVENZ and IVE, was nothing short of an eyesore to the other trainees who were also working hard.

****

“Are you okay?”

In the cafe on the first floor, frequently used by people.

I had ordered the cheapest coffee for a break and was idly staring out the window.

Turning my head at the familiar voice beside me, I saw Yoon Siwoo looking down at me with an awkward expression.

He still seemed to be bothered by what he said a few days ago, constantly looking fidgety whenever he saw me.

Even though I clearly told him on the phone that I was fine the evening I heard him ask if I was “living well.”

I don’t know what he’s thinking, asking if I’m okay every time, even after I told him I was fine.

“What?”

“Uh… if it’s okay if I sit here…”

“Since when do we ask each other such things? Sit if you want to sit.”

A slightly sarcastic tone came out, but it wasn’t because I disliked Yoon Siwoo.

It was because I was annoyed by the kids whispering behind my back without even knowing anything.

Yoon Siwoo had clearly apologized sincerely, and I had accepted his apology and forgiven him.

So, Yoon Siwoo, nervously watching my reactions, was just a little unlucky.

It just so happened that shortly after I forgave him, my mood plummeted after hearing strange rumors.

He probably thinks I’m still angry.

Even when I tell him it’s fine because it’s due to something else, he keeps watching me, so now I just let it be.

“Are you done with your recording?”

“Huh? Oh… yes, I’m done.”

“The teacher said you were done, so why are you still recording so much?”

“It’s just because I wasn’t satisfied with it. But now, it’s really finished.”

“Really? What wasn’t to your liking?”

“Listen to it when the album comes out later. It’s a bit different from when you were there.”

‘Different? How, and how much has it changed?’

I feel a little excited, but also a bit disappointed.

Since a new member has joined in my place, it’s natural for things to change somewhat.

Yes, it can change.

It can change, but feeling disappointed is still feeling disappointed.

The bitter taste of the coffee feels just like my heart.

I sipped my coffee, recalling strange thoughts.

Yoon Siwoo also sipped his coffee and kept glancing at me from the corner of his eye.

Every time he does that, it’s incredibly burdensome.

It’s frustrating how someone who is usually so confident becomes so timid whenever he thinks he’s done something wrong.

“Why are you staring like that?”

“I wasn’t staring.”

“Yes, you were. Are you still bothered by what I said back then?”

“…”

“I told you it’s fine, and not to worry about it.”

“…It’s just because I feel sorry.”

“If you know you’re sorry, then just don’t do it again next time. How long are you going to keep acting like this?”

“…”

At my words, Yoon Siwoo avoided my gaze and fell silent.

He always shuts his mouth like this whenever he’s at a disadvantage.

He’s usually so confident and sociable, yet he’s such a strange guy.

“It’s your debut stage this Friday, isn’t it? Is practice going well?”

I asked about his debut, also to change the subject.

Yoon Siwoo sipped his coffee, then let out a deep sigh.

‘Is something bad going on?’

“Practice is perfect. As long as I don’t make a mistake that day.”

“A mistake?”

He seemed to lack confidence, unlike his usual self.

That look, completely uncharacteristic of Yoon Siwoo, made me frown instinctively.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just. Saying ‘debut’ suddenly makes me nervous.”

He leaned back in his chair, speaking with a smile, and his relaxed demeanor returned.

‘So, nothing’s wrong, he’s just nervous?’

“I thought it was some huge problem. So, are you finally realizing it’s your debut?”

“Until recently, I just thought, ‘Oh, it’s a debut,’ but suddenly, I’m going crazy. I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.”

“What? Why are you suddenly like this…?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll just take a Cheongsimhwan and go on stage.”

He answered with a laugh as if it were nothing, but I was still a little worried.

This was the first time I’d ever seen Yoon Siwoo this nervous in my life.

He was a kid who could do anything effortlessly, both when he was little and now.

‘Is debuting really that burdensome?’

‘I’ve never done it myself, so I wouldn’t know.’

“Don’t worry too much. You’ll do great. If it’s too hard, I’ll even pray for you.”

“Yeah, please pray for me. That might ease my tension a bit. I’ve finished my drink, so I’m leaving.”

Yoon Siwoo said that and then stood up.

His retreating figure, after returning the cup and leaving the cafe, didn’t look reassuring at all.

I should at least pray for him tonight.