Chapter 20 : Lucia

Karen left the infirmary.
Because I’d wanted her to.

But I was puzzled by
The look of anguish on her face as she left.

Why? You have no reason to resent me. It was my fault, what happened that day, and your leaving.

Just keep hating me, like you always have. It’s easier that way.

But why…?

“…”

My attempt to understand Karen’s feelings was futile.

The drug coursed through my veins, scattering my thoughts like clouds.

My mind went blank,
My focus narrowed to what was right in front of me.

And that was Nadia.

“Nadia, Nadia…”
“…”
“Why do you look like that? Are you upset…?”
“A little. And could you stop clinging to me?”

Nadia pushed me away.

My pout had no effect.

“Honestly, this is annoying.”
“Why…?”
“I feel like… the villain who broke up a happy couple.”
“Happy couple? Were we dating?”
“I know you were not.”
“Hee hee.”
“You’re being silly.”

Nadia seemed confused.

She massaged her temples, lost in thought.

She even looked a little dejected.

But the moment I leaned closer, meeting her gaze, the dejection vanished.

A strange emotion flickered in her gray eyes.

She muttered,

“Why do I want to torment you so much?”
“…?”
“Why do I want to be so mean to you?”
“Nadia?”

Nadia didn’t seem to expect an answer. It was more of a rhetorical question.

As I watched her,
She sighed and said,

“You should go now.”
“Huh?”
“What’s with that reaction?”
“But I… I want to be with you, Nadia…”
“I’m not your personal caretaker for when you’re high.”
“…”

Her words stung.

I’d told her I wanted her to hate me, yet hearing her say it made my chest ache.

I want to stay with Nadia.

But I didn’t want to push her away any further by disobeying her.

Dejected, I left the infirmary.

…

Back in the classroom,
Feeling good, I smiled at everyone, and
Some of them seemed surprised.

I heard someone say, “She’s like a different person.”

They seemed to like my smile.

Interpreting this as a positive sign, I forced myself to smile wider, hoping
Someone kind would approach me.

Hee hee. Hee.

But I was looking for someone in particular.

She didn’t appear, even after I’d waited for a long time, not even when the next class started.

Karen, where are you?

Despite telling her I didn’t want to see her anymore,
Despite saying goodbye, I’d changed my mind.

I don’t know. Not right now, anyway.

Is it wrong to want to see someone I want to see?

Is that selfish?

Then even if I’m selfish, can’t you just come?

As I whined inwardly,
Someone approached me.

It was the embodiment of spring.

Beautiful pink hair and eyes, like cherry blossoms, approached me, and
I stared, mesmerized.

So pretty.

“Lucia.”
“Oh…”
“Hmm?”
“Tanya, did something happen?”

Something did happen.

Well, I got the injection, Karen came, I said goodbye to Karen, and Karen… Karen… Karen…

And then Nadia kicked me out, and
Then,

“I see you Lucia.”
“Huh?”
“I feel good…”
“…?”

I approached Lucia, who was blinking at me, confused.

Lucia. For some reason, her face flushed when I said her name.

It was so cute, that
I instinctively took her hand.

“Ah, wait, Tanya…”
“Why?”
“Your hand…”

What about my hand?
We always held hands.

“Well, um…”
“Do you not like it?”
“No, it’s not that, but…”
“You don’t like it.”
“That’s not it.”

My mischievous grin was reflected in her
Flustered eyes.

I was happy.

Happy to have found something she didn’t like.

“You always hold my hand so casually.”
“That’s when we’re alone… oh.”
“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

It was understandable. Expected, even.

I was being mean.

I knew how she felt, yet
I was deliberately trying to embarrass her, making her uncomfortable.

“Tanya, that’s not it.”
“Then don’t say anything.”
“But I…”

I played with her hand like a new toy.

Running my fingers down her palm,
Pressing the backs of our hands together,
Tracing the neatly trimmed edges of her fingernails… they seemed shorter than before.

No, that wasn’t important.

I intertwined our fingers and rubbed our palms together.

Lucia’s lips moved, but she didn’t say anything.

She had no right to complain.

She’d taught me how to do this.

“Tanya, stop…”

Her weak protest only amused me.
I grinned and continued.

“You hugged me like this too.”

I pulled her into a tight embrace, nuzzling against her like a stuffed animal.
Embarrassed, she covered her face with her hands.

I felt a surge of malicious joy,
Teasing this innocent, beautiful girl.

Murmurs erupted around us.
They were clearly shocked.

Unfazed,
I stroked Lucia’s stiff back.

“Ah…”

Her soft body trembled.
I enjoyed her reaction, her flinching at my every touch.

But what I enjoyed even more was her flustered expression.

You must hate me now. Hate me more. That’s what I want.

And as I basked in the warmth of her body,
A cold voice whispered in my ear,

“You’re going to be in trouble when we get home.”

…
…
…

Time passed,
Classes ended, and
We arrived at Lucia’s house.

Suddenly, I snapped out of it.

The euphoria faded, replaced by a sudden surge of depression. The drug had worn off.

But that didn’t matter.
I had a more pressing issue.

Horrified, I apologized to
The victim of my drug-induced behavior.

“I’m sorry.”
“…”

What was I thinking?

Holding her hand, hugging her, all while claiming I wanted to be hated?
And in public, no less.

I’d done it to keep my promise to Karen, but
This was wrong.

I hadn’t intended to damage Lucia’s reputation.

But I’d used that as an excuse to touch her, to feel her warmth.

I was the worst.

As I wallowed in self-loathing, Lucia spoke calmly,

“I was surprised. But I didn’t dislike it.”
“Hey now…”
“‘Lucia’?”
“Huh?”
“You called me by my name earlier.”

I had.

“Call me that again.”
“…”

I whispered, “Lucia.”
She smiled.

“Will you always call me that now?”
“…Yes.”
“Hee hee.”

I didn’t understand what she was so happy about.

I’d been forgiven.
That’s how it felt.

She was too kind.

And the more I realized that,
The more disgusted I became with my own actions.

How could I do that to her?

“…”

I felt terrible.

So depressed.

My emotions were a rollercoaster.

I felt like I was falling into an abyss.

“Tanya, are you okay?”
“…”
“You look like you’re about to cry.”
“A little…”

Lucia smiled, as if she’d had a brilliant idea, and
Pulled me into a hug.

I was embraced,
Like a child held by a parent.

She pressed my forehead against her soft breasts, then
Lowered her head and whispered in my ear,

“It’s okay to cry a little.”
“Not really…”
“Go ahead. You’re… pretty when you cry.”
“…”
“No one will judge you. I’ll tell you you’re pretty. Okay?”

Pretty?
This wasn’t some childish game.

Despite my reservations,
I was tempted by her gentle touch and soothing words.

I wasn’t sad.
Just depressed. It was a familiar feeling, one that usually passed with time.

But why did I suddenly feel like crying?

Because of her.
Because she was so kind.

I’d made her so uncomfortable,
And yet, she was being like this.
It made me want to act spoiled, to lean on her kindness.

Frustration replaced the despair.

Tears welled up, and
I finally gave in, crying softly in Lucia’s arms.