Chapter 18 : I wanted to see you

“You’re late, Tanya.”
“…”

I stared blankly at the sky.
The pale moon, past its zenith, cast its light upon the earth. It was nighttime.

Later than I thought.

“What’s wrong? Come inside.”

I’d assumed she’d be asleep.

Had I come here intending to barge into Lucia’s house while she was sleeping?

How shameless could I be?

But instead of self-reproach, my first words were a question for Lucia.

“How long have you been…?”
“Not long.”

Lucia’s answer was immediate.

A lie. Her legs were trembling.
She must have been waiting for hours.

I’d asked a question and received an answer, but
My confusion only deepened.

“Why…?”
“I was worried about you.”
“…”
“I thought something bad might have happened. Or that you got lost.”

Lucia sighed, placing a hand over her heart.

She seemed relieved that I’d returned safely.

But I sensed an underlying anger.

“Come inside, Tanya.”

I felt like I should apologize.

I hesitated at the doorway,
As if entering the lair of a thousand-year-old fox.

But the feeling vanished the moment I stepped inside.
Lucia’s home was more comfortable and welcoming than anywhere else.

I finally acknowledged my exhaustion.

It made sense.

Spending hours in that ridiculous outfit, dealing with a demanding customer, was more tiring than it looked.

Lucia studied me for a moment, then said,

“Go wash up and come to bed.”

I nodded silently.

…

My eyelids felt heavy with sleep.
I somehow managed to shower and headed to the bedroom.

Lucia seemed to be sitting on the edge of the bed, but
As I approached, she lay down and opened her arms.

“Let me hug you,” she said.

I hesitated briefly, but there was no point in protesting.

We’d been sleeping in the same bed every night since I moved in.

Clinging to her like a lifeline.

I pressed myself against her.

The intoxicating scent of cherry blossoms, emanating from her soft body, numbed my senses.

After a while, Lucia whispered in my ear,

“I was worried.”
“…”
“You should have told me where you were going.”
“Yes…”

Lucia sounded like a parent scolding a misbehaving child.

I didn’t mind.

Pleased by my obedient response,
Lucia chuckled.

But her amusement vanished quickly.

“Tanya, you smell.”
“I showered…”

Smell?

I must have reeked of hookah and alcohol.
The revealing outfit probably made it easier for the scent to cling to my skin.

Ashamed, I tried to pull away, but
Lucia said something strange.

“You smell like… another woman.”
“Excuse me?”
“Who is she?”
“…”

I was confused.
What was she talking about?

As I blinked at her,
Lucia continued, her tone accusatory.

“And you’re wearing makeup.”

Charlotte, finding my pale lips and cheeks too corpse-like, had applied some lip tint, but
Did that count as makeup?

Lost in thought, I missed my chance to reply.

But Lucia didn’t seem to care.

“And you came home so late.”
“…”
“Tanya, I’m just asking this in case…”
“Yes?”
“Is she… your lover?”
“Excuse me?”

I couldn’t help but ask.

What a ridiculous question.

A lover? Me?

And wasn’t it strange to ask if the other woman was my lover after saying I smelled like her?

It would have made more sense if she’d said I smelled like a man.

Of course, I’d never be with a man, but
Her question was strange, considering she didn’t know my circumstances.

Regardless,
My answer was obvious.

“No.”

The only women I’d been with recently were Charlotte and the Minister’s granddaughter, and
Neither of them were my lovers.

“Really?”

Lucia didn’t seem to believe me.

But it felt strange to explain myself, especially since
I was falling asleep.

“Then, what’s your relationship…?”
“I’m… sleepy.”
“…”
“Let’s talk tomorrow.”
“…”

I drifted off to sleep.

…
…
…

My academy life, usually as bland and uneventful as my existence–punctuated only by the occasional insult of “filthy wh*re”–was undergoing a significant change.

Because of Lucia.

She, beautiful and kind, was the center of the academy’s social circle, and
The other students, while disapproving of my association with her, didn’t dare confront me directly.

I was worried.
Worried that I was tarnishing Lucia’s reputation.

“Lucia, please stop clinging to me.”
“Okay.”
“…I’m talking about holding my hand.”
“Oh.”

As I pushed her away,
Lucia’s face crumpled like a puppy abandoned in the rain.

I sighed inwardly. The other students
Were staring at us, aghast.

I reluctantly offered her my hand, and
Lucia immediately grabbed it, kneading it like clay.

I’d offered my hand to be held, not molded.

“You’re not going anywhere today, are you?”
“No.”
“Hee hee.”

What was she so happy about?

We continued to draw attention throughout the class.

And, naturally, Karen glared at us.

Sighing,
I firmly detached myself from Lucia and headed outside.

Saying I needed to use the bathroom was a good excuse.

As expected,
Karen followed me, confronting me angrily.

“Titania, about last time…”

This was the umpteenth time
She’d dragged me to a secluded spot to warn me about Lucia.

It was getting tiresome. How persistent could she be?

Well, I wasn’t exactly following her instructions, so it was understandable.

I’d agreed to stay away from Lucia, yet continued to act like this in class. It was my fault.

I apologized.

“Sorry.”
“What?”
“It won’t be long now, anyway.”
“What do you mean?”

What did I mean? Lucia, obviously.

Was she pretending not to understand?
She’d come here to warn me again.

As she wished, I wouldn’t be hanging around Lucia much longer. That’s what I meant.

…

As I was about to explain,
A wave of nausea hit me.

“Ugh…”
“…?”

I felt like I was going to throw up.

Why?

It was so sudden.
Unexplained and strange.

But looking back,
It was inevitable. I just hadn’t realized it.

I’d gone to the gambling den last night to cope with my depression, but I’d been too distracted to indulge in any of my usual vices.

And now, my body was rebelling.

At the worst possible moment.

Maybe it was because Lucia wasn’t there.
Her warmth usually soothed my withdrawal symptoms.

The chilling sensation of insects gnawing at my veins spread through my body, and
My vision narrowed, the only thing I could see was Karen’s surprised expression.

I was going to collapse.
Like last time.

No. Not again.

“…”

I still regretted that day.

Collapsing, being caught by Karen, clinging to her, burying my face in her chest, whimpering her name.

This was exactly the same.
Except I didn’t have the excuse of being drunk this time.

The thought of clinging to Karen again,
Of her disgust intensifying, spurred me into action.

I had to move.
Somehow.

I ran.

…

I ended up in the infirmary.

“Nadia, I… I…”
“What’s wrong…? No, what happened to you?”
“I don’t know. I feel… strange…”
“…Give me your arm.”
“Okay… yes… okay… sob…”

I was grateful Nadia recognized the severity of my condition.

She didn’t hesitate, pulling out the medicine immediately. It was a strangely comforting sight.

I didn’t even have the energy for our usual banter.

Her reaction, so unlike her usual reluctance to administer the drug, confirmed that my condition was serious.

After the injection,
A wave of euphoria washed over me.

…
…
…

…
…
…

I felt like I was dreaming.

My feet felt light, as if I could float away.

My vision was blurred, hazy, like a fog had settled in my mind.

Amused by the sensation, I giggled.

Hee hee, hee hee hee.

And then Karen appeared.
Nadia was there. In the infirmary. And then Karen came. I started whining, like a child. To Karen.

Years of suppressed resentment poured out.

Feelings I thought I’d buried deep inside, hoping to forget them someday, resurfaced the moment I saw her face.

I said,
“Why did you come?”
“Titania.”

Who are you to ask? Why now?

After abandoning me.

“You’re late… don’t you think…?”
“What?”
“I was cold without you.”

I told Karen, who looked confused,

I needed you.

I wanted you to love me.

Why? Why did you leave? Was I that disgusting?

Did I do something that terrible to you?

“I missed you, Karen…”

I confessed.

All the feelings I’d kept bottled up.

Tsk.
I heard Nadia click her tongue.