Chapter 4 : Adaptation

“You seem to know a lot about theater?”
Dojun held the club application form he had just received.

“A little. Are you turning that in now?”
“Is it okay to submit it early?”
“It’s better that way. But can you at least tear it neatly along the perforated line?”

Typical school newsletters.
Any form that required submission or voting had a perforated line.

There was an unspoken rule in this little society:
Always tear along the perforated line before submitting.
Dojun scratched his head, a troubled expression on his face.

“Oh, right. Do you have scissors or a cutter?”
“I don’t.”

My pencil case only contained basic stationery like pens and pencils. I glanced at Hyelin next to me, but she shook her head, indicating she didn’t have any either.

I held out my hand to Dojun.
“Just give it to me. I’ll tear it.”
“Thanks.”

I took the application, folded it neatly along the perforated line, licked the fold a few times, and tore it with a slight tug on both sides.
Dojun watched, grimacing.

“Ew, that’s gross.”
“Throw this in the trash for me.”
“You throw it away. I don’t want my hands smelling like your spit.”

I handed him the useless top part of the form, but Dojun shook his head and brushed his hands off.
I chuckled softly.

“You don’t have weird thoughts about my spit being on it, do you? You can have it if you want. I don’t care, as long as no one finds out.”
“No, it’s just gross.”
“Is… is Haram telling the truth?”

Hyelin unintentionally added fuel to the fire.
Innocent as she was, she took my words literally and blushed, seemingly imagining something.
I took full advantage of the situation.

“Well, you’re at that age, so I understand. Just don’t let it show, it’s embarrassing.”
“Give it to me. I’ll throw it away.”

Even the stubborn Dojun couldn’t withstand our combined attack. He snatched the paper from my hand and tossed it towards the trash can.
It bounced off the rim. He then trudged over and picked it up, finally depositing it in the bin. The scene was quite amusing.

Dojun’s application, still on his desk, had “Drama Club” scribbled on it. I knew, of course, but pretended not to.

“You applied for the drama club? I thought you’d be into sports like soccer or basketball, you’re quite athletic.”
“I’m not interested in anything else.”
He returned to his seat, a tired expression on his face, and laid his head down on his arms.

Hyelin, observing this, whispered with sparkling eyes,
“Haram, are you close with Dojun?”
“I don’t know. He probably doesn’t think so.”

My tongue felt strange, a bitter taste lingering from the paper.
Perhaps that’s why, despite my efforts, my smile felt strained.

I had seen firsthand how Dojun treated people he genuinely cared about.
He disliked me.

***

“Don’t wander off, and if you’re late, you’re dead.”

Our homeroom teacher ended the assembly abruptly. Someone nudged my arm, and I turned to see Hyelin.

“Haram, the… the girls in our class are going to karaoke to, you know, bond. Do you want to come?”
“Sorry, I have plans. I can’t go today.”
“O… Okay? That’s too bad. Let’s go together next time.”

Going with Hyelin would have been a good opportunity to get closer to my classmates, but I declined with a strained smile.
I quickened my pace and arrived home.
I left my bag in my room and went to the kitchen, where my mother greeted me.

“Why are you home so early, sweetie? I gave you plenty of allowance to hang out with your friends.”
“I came home early so you wouldn’t be lonely, mom.”
“You do have friends, right?”

I smiled brightly and pointed at my face.

“With this face? How could I not have friends?”
“You’re my daughter, but you creep me out sometimes.”
“Exactly, you’re responsible for me since you brought me into this world.”
“Oh dear. Did you have lunch?”
“Yes, the lunch lady at our school is a great cook. Oh, and please sign my lunch application form later.”
“Alright, leave it on my desk.”

It was an ordinary conversation, but my mother’s face was radiant with happiness.

Hearing the click of the door lock, I rushed to the entrance.

“Welcome home!”
I greeted my father with a hug as he walked in, looking tired.

“She still acts like a child.”
He chuckled, clearly pleased despite his words.
I grinned at his reaction.

I knew.
I knew the value of their sacrifices for me.

I only understood after becoming an adult.
How lonely they were.

The older girl and older boy before me were experts at hiding their loneliness.
I hadn’t noticed before, but now I did, and I couldn’t bear it.

Because not knowing was excusable, but knowing and doing nothing was a sin.
So, I painted smiles on their faces every single day.

***

The laughter and chatter faded, and night fell.

Time for good children to sleep.
I entered my room, closed the door, turned off the lights, and the world plunged into darkness.
Silence descended upon our happy home.
This silence, once comforting, was now my greatest fear.

Staring into the darkness, I mocked the entity that had brought me here.

“You thought I’d be grateful for this?”

Knowledge was a curse.

People wished to know the future, but I, burdened with that knowledge, envied their blissful ignorance.

If I knew I would step on a thumbtack tomorrow, I would spend all day meticulously scanning the floor, desperate to avoid it. Eventually, I’d become hunched over from constantly looking down.
That was a tragedy no one wished for.

The feel of the white sheet covering my father’s face,
the smell of incense at my mother’s funeral,
the memory of being left alone after everyone else was gone…

These individual pains coalesced into a monstrous entity.

The monster invaded my only remaining sanctuary, driving me to desperation.
It threatened me, insisting that if I didn’t act, all those tragedies would become reality again.

This merciless creature robbed me of even the chance to give up.
It was an eternal punishment.

If there was a God, I would beg on my knees.

I’m sorry, but I am a selfish human, and your consideration is too much for me to bear.

Please erase this monster etched into my mind.
Let me live as a fool, unaware of anything.

Just then, Hayul suddenly entered and turned on the light.
“Sorry, I left something here. Were you sleeping?”
“It’s okay. Goodnight, Unnie.” (TL Note: Unnie – honorific term for older sister used by females)

After Hayul left and the lights went out again, my eyes welled up.

I had finally adjusted to the darkness, and she suddenly brought in the light…

It hurt.

***

“Sweetie, why are your eyes so puffy?”
“I guess I had a nightmare.”
“What kind of nightmare makes you cry?”

I rubbed my eyes, chuckled, and said,

“I dreamt I became a man.”

***

A boy with horn-rimmed glasses rummaged through his bag.
“Sorry, I think I left it at home.”

As expected, they betrayed my trust.
Well, I was certain this would happen, so maybe they actually lived up to my expectations.

Any other temporary president would have groveled to the teacher for an extension.

But who was I?
Lee Haram, the girl living her second life.

I handed him the spare application forms I had hidden in my bag.

I had seen this coming.
You can be smart, but I am smarter.

Anticipating this very scenario, I had asked the teacher for extra forms beforehand.

“With this, the last one is cleared.”

I organized the application forms by attendance number, placed them on the teacher’s desk, and sat down.
It was time for the daily spectacle.

Thwack, thwack.
Rhythmic hitting sounds echoed through the room.

The sounds stopped abruptly, and students returned to their seats, rubbing their bottoms.

This was an era where teachers held authority. A romantic era.
The teacher’s threat wasn’t empty.

One of the students muttered under his breath,
“Damn, that teacher’s good with the paddle.”

He thought he was being quiet.
But what I heard, the teacher surely heard as well.

The teacher pointed his special paddle at the boy.
“Get down.”

I cheered internally.
‘Encore!’

After the bloody assembly, the teacher picked up the application forms from his desk, flipped through them, and said,

“Those who applied for the drama club, come out to the hallway.”

Four of us went out to the hallway: me, Hyelin, Dojun, and a boy named Kim Junseok.
The teacher spoke briefly with a female teacher, looking tired, then left.
The female teacher looked us over with an intrigued expression.
“This year’s batch has decent faces.”

She seemed to have noticed our sullen expressions and hurriedly introduced herself.

“I’m Kang Haerin, the drama club instructor. Nice to meet you all.”
“Hello.”
“I called you out here to tell you a few things.”

Dressed in a tracksuit with her hair in a ponytail, she continued her explanation with an energetic voice, exuding vitality.
She warned us that the drama club was more demanding than other clubs, that we could kiss goodbye to leaving school before sunset, and that she would teach us well if we joined.
Most of it I already knew from experience, so I let her words wash over me.

The instructor grinned mid-sentence, then paused to catch her breath.

“And the most important announcement.”
“What is it?”
“Prepare a monologue for tomorrow’s after-school meeting. The theme is a protagonist experiencing a tragic event.”

Here we go.
The drama club initiation ceremony.