Chapter 18: Dissonance and Doubt

Unable to accept the unexpected result, I unleashed the vaguely remembered movements, including straight punches, onto the wooden dummy.

‘Maybe it’s because it was just a paper 1st Dan I barely got in the military.’

Whether I landed punches, kicks, or even… headbutts, I tried them all.

The result didn’t change much.

It didn’t shatter, just got slightly dented, but after seeing it split in half before, I wasn’t particularly impressed.

‘In game terms, it felt like suddenly giving a dagger to a character who freely wielded a great sword the size of a person?’

‘Or perhaps like switching from spraying a 600-round machine gun to carefully aiming a 5-round pistol.’

Of course, each has its own appeal, but that’s roughly the feeling.

Even this much strength easily surpassed not only my original body but also the average adult male’s.

Actually, that wasn’t the important part.

To confirm the sense of dissonance I’d grasped after several attempts, I picked up a wooden sword displayed in a corner of the training ground.

It felt like it coiled into my hand as if saying, ‘This is where I belong.’

This cool, heavy sensation.

The feeling of it fitting perfectly in my hand, as if saying it was just right for me.

Goosebumps rose all over my body.

Putting the wooden sword down and assuming the stance again, I couldn’t shake the thought that it still felt completely awkward.

To say it’s because this body isn’t originally mine doesn’t explain the familiarity with the wooden sword.

Swinging it through the air produced a sound on a different level compared to when I punched the dummy.

Along with a sense of relief that everything was falling into place.

An unsettling warning echoed in my mind.

Reason screamed not to swing it anymore.

The body, wanting to move as if it wasn’t enough yet.

Unable to bear the disparity, I tossed the wooden sword back to its original place.

When I let go of the wooden sword, my fingers twitched as if in regret.

Shaking my hands as if dusting off dirt, I hurried back to my room.

Closing the door and catching my breath raggedly, I saw a mirror placed in the corner.

Standing before it, a girl with flowing silver hair and golden eyes stared back at me with a pale face.

The girl began to stroke her own face with trembling hands.

I felt the touch of cold, slightly trembling hands on my face.

The girl in the mirror mirrored my action, placing her hands on her face.

When I frowned, the girl frowned too.

Then, a thought that had fleetingly crossed my mind during the day resurfaced.

Seeing my reflection in the window and thinking that Iris’s clothes would suit me well.

The thought I had casually dismissed now seemed excessively…

‘This isn’t right.’ I thought.

I raised a clenched fist, then took a deep breath and lowered it.

Forcibly suppressing the urge to smash the mirror, I lay down on the bed.

Once the train of thought started, it kept coming back to me.

This small body, so tiny my feet didn’t reach the end of the bed, with room to roll around.

The hair rustling against the sheet behind my back.

‘What was my original body like?’

‘How tall was I?’

‘What did my face look like?’

‘My home address?’

‘Do I remember my resident registration number?’

‘My military serial number… I can forget that, right?’

Huddled under the covers, in the darkness where not a speck of light entered, I kept trying to remember about myself.

I kept repeating the facts that came to mind.

Trembling with a strange, unidentifiable anxiety.

Hiding under the covers like a child afraid of the monster under the bed.

Unaware that morning was dawning.

I muttered with my eyes open under the covers until Lena came to wake me.

Over and over again.

—————-

“Were you that displeased with yesterday’s events?”

Iris, who was eating, looked at me with a strange expression.

Lacking the energy to answer, I just shook my head.

The food I had been enjoying. No, it still tasted good.

It was just that I now felt a sense of disconnect with the amount of food an ordinary person couldn’t handle.

“Then, does the meal not suit your taste?”

Again, I shook my head.

“You seem particularly down today.”

‘Was it that obvious?’

‘It didn’t seem so obvious when Lena was tending to me earlier.’

“It’s nothing, just… had a bit of a nightmare.”

“…Is that so.”

As I put a piece of cut meat in my mouth and chewed, Iris, after hesitating for a moment, continued.

“My mother often used to say that one must eat well, especially at times like these.”

‘Is she talking about the Duchess?’

‘This is the first time I’ve heard Iris mention her directly.’

‘She didn’t tell me, but based on the circumstances… she’s probably already dead, isn’t she?’

‘Is she trying to comfort me?’

‘I don’t know.’

“I see…”

Using the excuse of helping my recovery and easing Iris’s worries, I put food into my mouth.

I swallowed the food that still only tasted delicious.

Iris’s cautious voice reached me as she watched me.

“Lady Evrys.”

“Yes.”

“Do you have any plans after the meal?”

I shook my head.

I had no motivation to do anything.

‘If it weren’t for Iris, wouldn’t I have set foot on the snowy mountains by now?’

‘I don’t know.’

Iris carefully asked my intention.

“In that case, could you spare me some time?”

“Suddenly?”

“There is something I wish to show you.”

“…Alright.”

I nodded.

‘Something she wants to show me… What could it be?’

“Then I shall see you after the meal.”

Iris excused herself and rose from her seat first.

‘What on earth does she want to show me that she’s in such a hurry?’

‘Well. I really have no idea.’

The dining hall felt somewhat empty after Iris left.

The sound of me alone, picking at my plate, echoed in the dining hall.

Being alone in this vast space, just picking at my food, felt a little lonely.

Eventually, I put down my fork.

I tried to swallow a few more bites as Iris had suggested.

The food was still delicious, but.

I couldn’t swallow any more.

I placed my feet, which had been dangling in the air, on the floor.

Now that I was conscious of it, it felt constantly bothersome.

However, I thought the bother was better than getting used to it and not feeling it anymore.

‘Where could Iris be waiting?’

I walked down the hallway looking for her.

She hadn’t told me where she’d be waiting, so I had no choice.

The servants, who always greeted me warmly first, today merely bowed their heads and disappeared from sight.

‘Why is that?’

With that small question in mind, I went outside the mansion, and there was Iris, waiting.

‘Found her more easily than I thought.’

‘Is there a magnet attached or something?’

Iris, spotting me, mounted her horse with a stern face.

As I approached, a large shadow fell over me.

“Take my hand.”

Iris reached out her hand to me as I came closer.

‘She should still have bandages on.’

Iris’s outstretched hand was far from bandaged; it was pale and clean.

“Your hand…”

“I haven’t been wearing them since the meal.”

“Oh, I see. Sorry.”

“It’s not something to apologize for. Please, get on first.”

I really hadn’t noticed.

Feeling slightly embarrassed, I took Iris’s hand, and she lifted me easily, seating me in front of her.

I felt the hardness of the saddle and Iris’s warmth.

I saw her arms pass by my ears to grip the reins.

“Then, we shall depart.”

Iris started the horse the moment she asked.

‘Why did she even ask then?’ I wondered, but it didn’t really matter.

Riding along the well-kept path, feeling the wind, seemed to lift my spirits a little.

Just a tiny bit.

I could see Iris’s hands holding the reins.

The hands that had been wrapped tightly in bandages now looked completely fine, seemingly fully healed.

‘Does that mean Iris will start training again?’

‘Have her emotions settled?’

‘But, the fact that Iris has returned to normal.’

‘That she has calmed her turbulent emotions and become like the person I saw beyond the screen.’

‘How can I possibly know?’

‘This might be inside a game.’

‘But it’s not a game.’

‘Therefore, there’s no convenient way to know someone else’s thoughts.’

‘Where Iris is taking me right now.’

‘I don’t even know what she’s thinking as she rides the horse.’

It felt like I was being consumed by the gloom that had started last night.

The feeling of being swept away by waves, treading water alone in the vast ocean.

To a castaway on a deserted island, who has piled up stones, lit a fire, and waits endlessly for help to pass by.

If you told them the fact that help would never come until they died, what would they think?

Right now, I felt like I could understand that feeling, even just a little.

Just then, Iris’s voice came from above.

“Aren’t you going to ask where we are going?”

Hearing that, I realized I was a little curious.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a secret.”

“…Whatever.”

‘Is she joking?’

‘Or is she returning the prank I played?’

Thanks to that, perhaps because my train of thought was interrupted, my head felt a bit clearer.

‘Is even an exasperated sigh considered laughter?’

As my blurry vision cleared, the surroundings finally started coming into focus.

The scent of flowers was strong.

Strangely strong, to the point where it was odd I hadn’t noticed it before.