Chapter 20: I Always Think Before I Speak

There isn’t much I know about Lee So-hyun.

That she’s strong, foolish enough not to run away even when her life is in danger, and that she has green hair.

But it seems that wasn’t the case for Seo-jun.

The person who stayed here briefly and spent time with her must have been far more valuable than someone like me.

She’s not the type to make that kind of face just because I got hurt, and I don’t remember ever seeing her make such an expression when I was injured.

“There’s a teacher who works on the front lines.”

She crushes the cigarette, still more than half unsmoked and not even burned down to the filter, under her foot, then shoots a small beam of light to turn it into dust.

‘I feel like I shouldn’t have offered it to her.’

“She said it’s common in the field.”

“She said it’s considered lucky just to survive.”

Her voice sounded like she was about to cry.

‘Is it really something to be this sad about, just because a teacher who taught her a bit about fighting got hurt?’

‘I wouldn’t be particularly sad even if the researchers who not only taught me how to fight but gave me abilities and showed me how to use them with my whole body died.’

“I received so much help from her, and while that teacher was fighting hard, I was just messing around here.”

‘We were together for so long, we even had that silly talk about getting married if we were still beside each other when we grew up.’

‘While I was stuck in that basement, you were messing around here.’

‘Making new friends, learning how to separate the heads of evil villains from their bodies, living a happy life.’

‘But why, really.’

‘Why be so sad just because someone who taught you a bit about fighting got hurt?’

‘That person almost blew half my neck off, you know.’

‘I think I probably hate Lee So-hyun.’

‘Even though we’ve only met once and barely exchanged any words.’

‘I wonder if I truly hate her, or if it’s just some feeling in my heart.’

“So, are you feeling regretful, sad, and angry?”

Seo-jun nodded.

As if she didn’t even want to use her voice to answer.

“So, besides the teacher, is there anyone else you’ve left behind?”

“…Suddenly?”

“No, just because.”

“You said she didn’t die.”

“I was wondering why you were so angry.”

“The person who should have died didn’t, and the person who shouldn’t have almost died.”

I didn’t answer for a long time.

Only after receiving a suspicious look did I open my mouth.

“…Is that villain someone who deserves to die?”

“Then are the ones who recklessly kill researchers, civilians, students, and even powerless police officers people who shouldn’t die?”

‘Are the researchers who locked me in the basement and used countless test subjects not people who deserve to die?’

‘No, well, I guess so.’

‘How would she know?’

‘She just came from being stuck in the slums to a place where she only learns how to fight.’

‘I didn’t know anything either, so I just walked into the research facility, and I even liked it at first because they seemed kind.’

“I don’t really know even if you ask things like that.”

“I didn’t live in this city, and I haven’t been here long.”

“And that person called a villain must have wanted to do something, too.”

“Still, it’s not something you can defend.”

“Especially if you’re a student here.”

“Besides, you said this was supposed to be a counseling session.”

Seo-jun looked slightly angry.

‘What I said must have bothered her quite a bit.’

“I’m not trying to talk about such heavy things.”

“She’s alive, isn’t she?”

“You can just go visit her.”

“Don’t forget, don’t leave her behind, just go see her.”

‘I’m talking more than usual, which isn’t like me.’

And Seo-jun was looking at me like I was a very strange child.

‘My face shouldn’t have changed.’

‘Or maybe it did change when I got hit by the hammer?’

“I won’t forget, I won’t leave her behind.”

“Anyway, are you saying I should just leave the person who did that to her, no, to the teacher, alone?”

“If you want to leave them, leave them.”

“If you want to catch them, catch them.”

‘Because I’m right in front of you.’

‘If you’re talking about revenge, shouldn’t you just attack the person right in front of you?’

‘Since I’m probably not your childhood friend anyway.’

‘Because it seems like the one you remember isn’t me.’

“I think the people at the research facility can exist as researchers thanks to the test subjects they experiment on, and the police exist thanks to criminals.”

‘It sounds like bullshit even as I say it, but still, somehow.’

‘I wanted to spit out words like these.’

‘I hoped I wouldn’t be the only one always sulking, always left behind, feeling strange.’

‘Maybe I’m just taking out my anger on someone completely unrelated for no reason.’

‘I’m doing this just because she didn’t save me, aren’t I?’

“And the person you’re talking about, it’s obviously Lee So-hyun, isn’t it?”

“There probably aren’t many people who teach A-rank students and work in the field.”

“They’re all famous.”

Seeing her slightly flustered expression, I raised the corner of my mouth slightly and continued.

“Lately, isn’t she the only half-corpse lying sick after being attacked by a villain?”

“Right..?”

‘But I can’t stop.’

‘I could endure it for about a month, but beyond that, I felt like I couldn’t hold on unless I thought these strange thoughts and let them out.’

‘It was fortunate they gave me drugs later, though.’

“Someone famous for being famous.”

“Someone with no real skill, but with unique green hair, a pretty face, and a decent figure, making her good to put forward as a figurehead.”

“Her face also looks quite virtuous, making her good to present as a hero.”

‘Even while getting high on drugs, I wondered if this was right, but it doesn’t matter anyway.’

‘Since I can’t get out anyway, it’s better to just be high on drugs.’

‘Because I can’t see the reality in front of me.’

‘A rapturous future, my happy past self, myself managing somehow even in the slums.’

‘When only things like that are visible, how lovely the ‘dust of happiness’ must have seemed.’

“Those people who always shine on television but never come to save you when you actually need them, they remain such shining figures thanks to the existence of flashy villains.”

“Look now.”

“Thanks to being laid up, she’s all over the news.”

‘When I was tied to the operating table in that tiny room, going through this and that, I saw the wall collapse and thought it was you.’

‘But it wasn’t.’

“In that sense, your teacher’s situation has actually improved, hasn’t it?”

“She didn’t run away when attacked by a villain but fought back, protected everyone, survived, and became even more famous.”

“Actually, if she had died, her name value would have risen even more…”

“Hey.”

She cut me off.

Staring at me with bloodshot eyes.

‘Did she think I was mocking her after all?’

“Stop smirking and spouting bullshit in front of me.”

“Shut up and get lost right now.”

“Before I kill you.”

“No.”

“Or are you going to stab a blade into my shoulder like your friend did?”

“…”

“Since she survived anyway, don’t you think it turned out well… Oof.”

Seo-jun lunges at me.

Then she starts punching my face.

‘I didn’t particularly resist.’

‘I just flailed my arms, trying somehow to push her fists away.’

‘Since this is the academy, she doesn’t seem to be holding back.’

‘Everyone here is tough, so maybe it’s considered quite gentlemanly as long as you don’t stab someone with a blade?’

‘In a way, this girl might be all that’s left of Yoo Ha-rin; half of my memories might be of this friend.’

‘If she disappears, surely nothing will remain.’

‘I probably couldn’t kill her anyway.’

‘I already realized that when fighting Lee So-hyun.’

‘That I can’t control just any blood.’

‘The stronger the opponent, the less I can do.’

“Ha, I thought you were just some pitiful kid.”

“You really deserved to be misunderstood.”

Seo-jun stops punching my face and grabs my wrist.

Then she unwraps the white cloth bandage and scoffs at me.

“Someone like you should have just died.”

“Then, like you said, you would have become famous.”

“As the useless b*tch with a worthless ability who got into the academy and then killed herself like an idiot.”

So I laughed too.

“Think before you speak.”

“If you’re stupid, you should at least try to think.”

‘Wondering if she might cry.’

Seo-jun looks like she’s about to hit me again, but then she stares intently at the scars on my wrist for a long time, gets up, and starts walking away somewhere.

I pushed myself up and watched her retreating back for a long time.

‘I always think before I speak.’

‘Maybe I am stupid.’

‘My ability is useless, that’s true.’

‘I could become the idiotic b*tch who got into the academy and killed herself.’

‘Would I become famous?’

‘I don’t know about that.’

‘It probably would have been better if someone like me just died.’

‘Did I deserve to be misunderstood?’

‘Since I actually did those things, it probably wasn’t a misunderstanding.’

‘Am I pitiful?’

‘I wish I didn’t look pitiful.’

‘Maybe dying not by my own hand, but by my only… no, my oldest friend, wouldn’t be so bad.’

‘I could disappear right before your eyes.’

‘Because then I wouldn’t be able to talk, or laugh in front of you.’

‘Is that true even now?’