Chapter 14 : Rot

I couldn’t move.

Not because I was shocked by the fact that we were sharing a bed, but because
Lucia was clinging to me like a vine, her body intertwined with mine.

Her leg nestled between my thighs,
Her arms wrapped around my neck,
Our stomachs pressed together,
Our breasts rubbing against each other.

I was speechless.

“…”

We weren’t just close. We were practically one.

“Mm…”

As I stirred, startled,
Lucia, perhaps finding my movements uncomfortable, tightened her embrace.

A wave of cherry blossom scent washed over me.
Overpowering, almost dizzying.

Warm.

Her body heat was intense.

I was suddenly consumed by the urge to stay in her arms forever.

To pretend I hadn’t noticed,
To close my eyes again, but not to sleep,
To enjoy the feeling of her soft body pressed against mine,
To bask in her warmth.

“…”

I couldn’t.

I knew myself too well.

I had no self-control.

I was the type to indulge in pleasure, losing myself completely.

I’d done it with everything else, and
This wouldn’t be any different.

I might even become more addicted than ever before.
It was an instinctive warning.

This girl, angelically kind as she was, still had her limits.

What if I clung to her like this, and one day, she found me tiresome?

For whatever reason,
She seemed to have some affection for me.

Unfortunately for her.

And I dreaded the day those feelings changed.

I didn’t want to be hated.

“Tanya…”

Her voice, murmuring my nickname,
Startled me like a thief caught in the act.

Thankfully, or perhaps unfortunately, she didn’t seem to be awake.

Saying my name in her sleep…
What kind of dream was she having?
Probably a nightmare.

I noticed her long eyelashes against her cheek and thought, How beautiful.

There wasn’t a single flaw.

Her delicate nose, soft cheeks, full lips, every feature was perfectly sculpted.

I held my breath, admiring her. And at the same time, I
Planned my escape from this precarious situation.

It was easy. There were plenty of ways to make her hate me.

It might seem contradictory, considering I’d just thought I didn’t want to be hated.

But this was my usual role.

This relationship was doomed.
Just like my relationship with Karen, who’d turned away after seeing my true colors.

If a runaway train with a broken engine was headed for a cliff,
Who wouldn’t jump off, even if they feared the fall?

Well, some might not.
But I would.

Better to get hurt now than later.
I’d end this here.
Return to my usual routine.

I made up my mind and acted.

Ignoring the excuse that I was trapped in her embrace,
I silently slipped out of her arms and, like before, pinned her down.

Her unruffled appearance, even in sleep,
Stirred a lust I’d never known.

This is your fault.

You shouldn’t have slept so unguardedly, tempting me to defile you.

So wake up. Ask me what I’m doing. Realize you’re about to be violated. And throw me out.

“…”

I acted immediately, but
I hesitated.

All I did was gently caress her shoulder with my fingertips.

Even that filled me with guilt,
A sudden wave of self-loathing.

I was frustrated with myself.

I needed to teach Lucia a lesson.
That being so kind and trusting would attract people like me.

I realized how awkward I was with physical intimacy.

It was no wonder.

I’d been surrounded by hatred and disgust my entire life, both in this world and the last.
The rare instances of kindness were born out of pity, not desire.

I was pathetic. Truly.

My body, my mind, everything about me was repulsive.
There was a reason people avoided me.

I berated myself, then smiled cruelly. This ugliness
Would make my act more effective.

I wasn’t sure where to start, but
I’d figure it out.

I leaned down, our bodies pressing together.
Our stomachs touched, then our chests.

And then…

“…”

And then… what? Where?

Her face. Touch her beautiful face with my dirty hands.

No. I couldn’t. Not her face.

No, it’s not that I can’t. I’m choosing not to. I don’t need to go that far. I’m just pretending.

Without realizing it,
I’d started treating Lucia’s body like a fragile glass figurine.

How foolish.

Just touch her.

More firmly. Wake her up.
This way, it really seemed like
I was trying to sneak something past her. Don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up. Let me touch you. I want to touch you more.

I was disgusted by my own hesitation.

I couldn’t do it.

“…”

I took a deep breath,
Trying to clear my confused thoughts.

I stopped, pulling away from her.

I should leave.
Not like this. I should escape while she was still asleep. Hadn’t I been thinking that all along?

Why defile her? What would I gain from violating someone so beautiful?

I realized my desire to touch her
Had been purely driven by lust.

The excuse that I needed to be hated was just a justification for my own desires.

I started to get out of bed,
Heading for the door, back home…

…
I should have.
If Lucia hadn’t moved.

Her hand suddenly snaked around me,
As if she disapproved of my attempt to leave.

She hugged me,
Her arms wrapping around my back, pulling me close.

I fell back onto the bed.

And then, she started stroking my back.

“Hee…”

Her breath tickled my ear. She kept exhaling softly,
Like a child blowing dandelion seeds. Gentle, yet
Intensified by my heightened senses.

“H-hee, mm, ah, w-wait…”
“…”

There was no point in talking to someone asleep.

My plea was lost in her soft exhales.

My mind went blank.
It felt like someone had lit a fire in my brain.
The flames crackled, and the heat intensified my senses. Wait, Lucia…

“Ah, mm…”
“…”

She started nibbling on my ear,
Her lips enveloping it, sucking gently.

I thrashed like a drowning person.

The sensation in my ear was strange, the sound distorted, as
Her tongue probed inside. Ah, don’t lick me. Haa, that’s weird. It feels weird…

This was bad. Really bad.
I’d finally given up, abandoned my desire for her.
This was tainting her, her pure lips touching something so dirty.

My body went limp,
As if drained by the sensation of her tongue on my ear.

I could only endure her sleepy ministrations.

And when it finally stopped,
I was completely undone.

“Ah, ah…”

My ear felt wet and my body hot.
My breath hitched, and tears welled up.

As I blinked, trying to hold back the tears,
Sleep claimed me once more.

…
…
…

“Sorry.”
“Huh?”
“I… I have a habit of hugging a stuffed animal when I sleep.”
“You didn’t have one…”
“I left them all at home. I don’t buy more because… well, it’s childish…”
“…”
“But Tanya… you’re… the perfect size to hug. Hee. I didn’t realize it until I woke up…”
“…It’s okay.”
“And… thank you.”
“For what?”
“I had a nice dream.”
“A dream?”
“I think it was because of you.”

I already knew she’d been asleep.

She wouldn’t do that in her right mind.

I was more disgusted by the fact that I’d let her pure lips touch something so dirty.

I needed to leave. Now.

The smell of breakfast cooking made my stomach growl, preventing my immediate escape.

“…”

Just one more meal, and then I’ll leave.

I steeled my resolve.