Chapter 51 : Monster (1)

Title: Monster
Characters: The Smiling Girl, The Monster, Man 1, …

If someone were to write the story of my life,
it would probably be the wrong one.

That’s how the world works.
Those who sin are always the first to beg for absolution.

We are so large, we fail to notice the insects beneath our feet.
Yesterday, I stepped on some ants.
I don’t know how many.

The weight of guilt is something society determines—
not something I can dare to grasp.
But if my very movements create sin,
shouldn’t I be the one to stop it?
Maybe I glimpsed hope at the edge of my wretched life.

People call me a monster.
And I shout back the opposite.

I insist that I mean no harm.
That I only look different, but carry the same heart.

But what I get in return is indifference.
People ignore me like I’m not worth listening to.

That’s when I realized—
It was never about whether I hurt them or not.
If I were truly a monster,
they should’ve feared me.

But it’s difference.
Just that one fact makes me something crude in their eyes.

Let me introduce myself again.
I’m a monster.

Because they called me one,
I became one.
I chose fear and hatred over indifference.

On a road where cars sped past and the sound of waves echoed in the distance,
I saw a girl leaning on a railing, lost in thought.

I approached her with a faint smile.
But the girl before me didn’t fear me.

Instead, she smiled back.

I tensed up and asked,
“Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“I am.”
“Then why are you smiling?”
“Good question. What do you do in a moment like this?”

The girl kept smiling.
Endlessly.

The monster watched her with a guarded face.

Saeron called Kang Haerin.
With a soft click, the call connected and a dry, cynical voice answered.

“Noona. What are you doing?”
– “Get to the point.”
“I heard your kids made it to the finals for the theater festival. Don’t you need a script?”

There were rustling sounds on the other end.
She was probably still lounging in bed.

The sun was already high in the sky, yet she was still like that.
Who is vacation even for these days?

After the sound of her drinking water, Haerin’s skeptical voice came through.

– “That’s random. I mean, I’m fine with it.”
“I watched that Moon Rabbit play last time. It was actually pretty good.”
– “You were there? You should’ve at least bought me dinner.”
“Who buys dinner for their older sister? You have no shame.”
– “Whoever earns more should buy. You be the big brother now, Park Saeron.”
“Anyway, I just sent the file. Check your email.”
– “Wait, don’t hang up.”

After a brief silence, Haerin spoke again.

– “‘Monster,’ huh… The title’s kinda lame, but the content’s good. Are we using this?”
“Yeah. Ask me anything later—buy me dinner or something. I’m busy now.”
– “Okay, thanks.”

Saeron hung up and turned to Dojun, who was watching him.
Dojun gave him a grateful nod.

“Thank you.”
“It’s a good script. That’s why I lent you my name. But… why the need to hide it?”
“There’s someone who mustn’t find out.”

Saeron immediately guessed.

“It’s I Haram, isn’t it?”
“Wow. You figured it out already.”
“Who else around you smiles like that all the time?”

Dojun gave an awkward laugh.
Saeron had already figured out who the “must-not-know” person was.

“Could be Lee Hyelin.”
“No chance. I know her well.”
“And how do you know that?”

Saeron kept silent.
Ever since that counseling session during their last trip, he and Hyelin had become close and stayed in touch.
Even if he had no romantic interest, it wasn’t something he should be sharing.

“Anyway, why are you hiding it from Haram?”
“It’s a sensitive topic for her. She’d probably get mad if she knew I wrote it.”
“If she’d hate it, maybe you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”

Dojun frowned, then spoke up.

“What if the thing she hates is something I have to do?”
“You mean want to do. Not have to.”

Saeron’s reply hit the mark.
Dojun gave a bitter smile.

“In my experience, meddling in other people’s business is one of the dumbest things you can do.
No matter how right it feels to you, they might never understand.
If you grow old not realizing that, you become a bitter old man.”
“…You’re right. This is my selfishness. She’ll probably hate me if she finds out.”
“Obviously.”

Saeron patted Dojun on the back.

“Still… do your best. No turning back now.”
“Yeah. Let’s hope it turns out okay.”
“To gain something, you must be ready to lose something too.”
“Wow. That’s so comforting. Why not curse me outright while you’re at it?”

Saeron chuckled.
Young people become better only after a few stumbles.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been spending more time talking to adults than kids my age.

Sure, having memories from my past life makes communication easier,
but there’s still a sense of discomfort.
Especially when my mind is a mess—
I miss the carefree days of childhood.

You know the saying: “A healthy mind in a healthy body.”
Then, having the body of a high school girl,
shouldn’t I also have the mind of one?

Goo goo. Ga ga. I’m baby Haram. I know nothing.

I sighed and took a sip of coffee.
The rich bitterness and sharp acidity danced on my tongue, widening my eyes.
Watching me, Kim Dohyung spoke with satisfaction.

“Good, right?”
“It’s amazing.”
“The owner here is crazy about coffee. I always bring people I like here.”
“Are you hitting on me, director…?”
“Kind of. But only as a director hitting on an actress.”
“Hmm, so it’s like: ‘Middle-aged director flirts with a minor actress.’ That’s how I should interpret this?”
“I surrender. You’re impossible, Haram.”

I smiled and looked at the two people sitting across from me.

Lee Huiseok and Kim Dohyung.
The day after our last wrap party, they both contacted me as if they’d planned it together.

I had told Huiseok I had plans with Director Kim,
but the two of them talked and decided to meet together.

Dohyung spoke first.

“How was the shooting experience?”
“Great. It felt so different from theater.”
“Like what?”
“It let me express emotions more directly.
Now I get why you said I was more suited for film.”

Dohyung smiled with satisfaction.
He paused briefly before continuing.

“So, is it film or theater?”
“Hmm… I’m not sure I need to choose just one.”
“That’s disappointing. I thought you’d know after one experience.”

He seemed genuinely disappointed.
Maybe he was hoping the shoot would change my mind.

But the core of who I am doesn’t change so easily.
Just as Seol in the film kept track of memories through her journal,
I’ve shared pieces of myself with the people around me.
So I won’t abandon that for personal ambition.

“Working on a film with me would help your career more than a school play.”
“True. But I won’t give up theater.”

“It would be ideal if your schedule wasn’t already filled.”

Dohyung sighed, then Huiseok, who had been patiently waiting his turn, spoke up.

“Or… perhaps it is.”
“I told you I wanted to buy your time.”
“You did.”
“I was planning to sign you to my agency, but after hearing your conversation with Dohyung, I think that’s… unlikely.”

He took a sip of his coffee.

“You’re a talented actress, but you lack… polish. I was going to assign you a mentor, manage your schedule, provide you with the resources you need…”
“I…”
“And you’re going to refuse, aren’t you? Because there’s something you can’t give up.”
“There is.”
“I have a weakness for talent. I don’t give up easily. So… I’ll give you some time to think about it.”

He scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

“This is my personal number. Contact me whenever you’re ready, and I’ll make time for you.”

After I left, Dohyung and Huiseok continued their conversation.

“You seem disappointed. Giving up on her so easily?”
“Does it look like I’ve given up?”
“Isn’t that what you just did?”
“You were there, Dohyung. You saw her perform. You know what she’s capable of.”

Huiseok took another sip of his coffee, savoring the complex flavors. Coffee was a symphony of tastes, encompassing salty, sour, sweet, and bitter notes. He preferred the subtle saltiness, the way it enhanced the other flavors without overpowering them.

Sourness was too sharp, sweetness and bitterness too competitive, vying for dominance. Only saltiness was selfless, enhancing the overall experience. This subtle nuance, this hint of consideration, was what made him appreciate it. He savored the lingering taste on his tongue.

“She’ll call. Eventually.”

He was willing to wait, for the sake of the perfect blend.