Chapter 24 : It hurts

Her dark eyes, darker than the midnight sky, were inches from my face.

Her pupils, like polished obsidian, dilated, burning like lava.

Her gaze was hot,
As if trying to incinerate me.

But something was even hotter.
The heat radiating from her hand, wrapped around my throat.

“Gah…”

Strangled gasps escaped my constricted airway.

What… was this?

I was confused by Karen’s actions.

I couldn’t understand.

I’d mocked her, amused by her attempt to stop me, but
The Karen I knew wouldn’t do this.

Was she consumed by rage?
Anger could make people do irrational things.

But no. I saw something in her eyes that preceded the anger.

Confusion, grief, and… resolve?

I didn’t understand what she was thinking.

Resolve? Resolve to do what?
To actually strangle me?

While I desired it, it was incomprehensible.

The problem was,
My body was reacting to her actions.

My senses heightened.
A strange sensation, born from the place where I’d been cutting, spread through my body.

My toes, already on tiptoe, felt like they were lifting off the ground.
My breasts, usually soft, hardened.
A tingling sensation spread through my lower abdomen, intensifying into a burning heat.

I felt lightheaded.

A ringing, impossible to hear, filled my ears.

I wish this moment would last forever. Being strangled, unable to breathe, but with Karen, with Karen… dying like this… would I remain in your memory forever? Would you regret this? Even if it’s like this, as long as I can stay by your side, prevent you from leaving me again… as long as it’s certain…

“Gah…! Cough, hack, wheeze…!”

I was thrown away,
Just before losing consciousness.

As if rejecting my depraved thoughts,
As if refusing to let me have my way, she pushed me away. Startled, I could only stare at her.

She was so close,
Close enough for my reflection to appear in her eyes.

The usual indifferent mask was gone.

I couldn’t believe the person reflected in Karen’s eyes was me.

Pale skin flushed,
Eyes glistening with a strange mixture of fear and anticipation… was that really me?

“Eek…”

My fingers and toes curled,
My body trembling with fear, or perhaps something else entirely.

I trembled all over.

Karen’s burning gaze, moments ago so intense, had
Cooled into an icy stare.

“Titania.”
“…”
“I… I like that you hate me. No, I wanted you to hate me.”
“What are you…”
“I left you because…”
“No!”

I yelled, cutting her off.

I didn’t want to hear it.
I didn’t want her excuses.
I didn’t want her to justify abandoning me.

Just say you hated me. That you were disgusted by me and left. So I can hate you without guilt.

It’s easier that way, isn’t it? It can’t be undone. What good would it do to talk about it now?

She clearly had no intention of
Returning to how we were before.

I glared at her, almost desperately.

If she continued, I’d hurt her.

I’d pick up the knife, swing it at her… no, that wouldn’t work. Then I’d hurt myself. Cut off my ears so I wouldn’t have to hear her anymore.

Karen seemed to sense my desperation.

She trailed off, changing the subject.

“Anyway, I can’t stand seeing you hurt yourself.”

But even that infuriated me.

Who are you to say that?

Her sudden change in attitude was what bothered me the most.

You slapped me. You called me a filthy whre. You told me to stop spreading rumors.*

Don’t pretend to care now.

Karen seemed unfazed by my defiant glare. Her cold eyes only darkened.

She couldn’t stand seeing me hurt myself?

“And what are you going to do about it?”

I sneered.

She had no right to interfere with what I did to my own body.

But Karen didn’t seem to agree.

She suddenly pushed me against the wall,
My back pressed against the cold tiles.

And then,
She reached under my skirt.

“Eek…!”

As before, when she’d grabbed my throat, her hand was burning hot. The contrast to my cold skin
Made it feel even hotter.

Her hand slid up my leg, reaching my thigh.

And then,
She squeezed the soft flesh of my inner thigh.

“Ah, mm, that hurts…!”
“…”

Her silence, her emotionless touch, was unsettling.

My scarred thigh throbbed in protest, but I couldn’t move.

Karen’s other hand was back on my throat.

I gasped, struggling weakly, my arms flailing uselessly.

Pushing her away was pointless.
She was too strong.

“I’ll do… this,” Karen sneered,
Her hand continuing its assault.

I was bewildered.

Karen was strangling me. Touching me. Mocking me.

Nothing about this was expected.

But whether I understood or not,
My treacherous body reacted, the pain
Igniting a spark of pleasure.

Karen’s actions were violent.

More of an assault than a teasing touch.

But that, no, because of that,
My body flushed with heat.

I was used to self-inflicted pain.

I’d been hurting myself, both physically and mentally, for years.

My broken body had learned to interpret pain as pleasure, using
The excuse that it was the only thing preventing me from completely shattering.

More, harder, don’t stop. It’s okay, whatever happens. Depraved thoughts filled my mind.

Karen seemed to read my thoughts.
Her rough hand tightened its grip on my thigh, the pain intensifying.

She stroked, kneaded, pinched, squeezed, and caressed,
Inflicting pain, and nothing more.

It was different.

So much more pleasurable than cutting my wrists or thighs, it was unsettling.

It hurts, but why does it feel so good…?

I was a mess.
My body trembled, drool dripped down my chin, and my eyes rolled back.

Only then did Karen step back.

As I coughed, clutching my throat,
Karen pulled me into a hug.

It was unthinkable.

I wanted to push her away, but I didn’t have the strength. My body was limp, my throat too constricted to speak.

As I trembled in her arms,
Karen said,

“Titania.”
“…”
“I can’t stand seeing you hurt yourself.”

She’d said that before.
Now, she repeated it, her tone firm.

“So… if you feel like that again…”

She trailed off,
As if searching for the right words.

As if she didn’t know what to say.

Her gaze, filled with a strange longing, scanned my body.

My wrists, my thighs, my throat where her hand had been, my swollen breasts, my hips, my shoulders, my arms, my face…

Karen finally cupped my cheek and said,

“Come to me. I’ll hurt you anywhere you want.”
“No…”
“No? Then I have no choice. I’ll come to you.”
“…”

Even a spoiled child wasn’t this unreasonable.

I glared at her, but it was no use.

She simply smiled, a bitter smile, and said, “Tell me if you want more.”

Karen picked up the knife she’d thrown away.

“I’ll make it hurt much more than this.”
“…”

She shoved the knife into her pocket and left.

Alone, I tried to process what had just happened, my mind reeling.

Karen… offered to hurt me. Touched me. Said she couldn’t stand seeing me hurt myself. Why? How? What did it matter to her?

“Ha…”

As I turned to leave,
I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror.

A bruise, shaped like Karen’s hand, was already forming on my throat.

And I realized
The depression had lifted.

And I had a feeling it wouldn’t be so easy to satisfy myself anymore.