Chapter 61 : Disagreement (4)

I stepped onto the platform and looked around.

It was barely a meter high.
That slight difference became an invisible wall, dividing them into the audience and me into the actor.

That’s why I loved acting.
I loved being able to feel, so palpably, that I’d become a character in a wonderful story.
The pounding of my heart was proof of it.

I locked eyes with Han Dojun, who was frowning in the corner.
He avoided my gaze like a criminal caught in the act.

Good intentions are like sharp-pointed spears.
When they go astray, those spears fly toward each other’s hearts.

It’s an unexpected tragedy, so you can’t resist it.
That’s why we have to handle good intentions so carefully.

Adults don’t pry into each other’s wounds.
If you expose a wound, you have to treat it.

White gauze and clean antiseptic.
You have to sacrifice so much to hide a bright red, blackened wound.
But the harsh reality waiting for us makes it hard to offer those things to others.

Taking responsibility is scary.
That’s why we gloss things over.
We hide our wounds with awkward smiles and hope time will heal them.

My friends are young.
They imitate maturity, but they can never really have it.

That’s because no one expects it from them.
People don’t demand maturity from seventeen-year-old youths.

But kids who want to be adults, but haven’t become adults, make mistakes.
Without knowing how to take responsibility, they expose other people’s wounds.

Children’s mischief leads to bad results.
There might not be any gauze or antiseptic, or they might not know how to use it.

In the end, the neglected wound gets worse.
It keeps getting worse, causing pain.

But we don’t hold children responsible for their mistakes.
Even if we get angry, we don’t expect compensation.

Adults endure, and children learn to apologize.
That experience will be a meaningful source of nourishment for them to grow into good adults in the future.

In Act 2, Scene 12, the Monster gets angry.
He expresses his red emotions to the Smiling Girl without any filter.

Ironically, the source of that anger is good intentions.
His concern for the girl becomes a sharp spear, wounding her.

The Monster’s anger is like the author’s cry.
He throws a tantrum like a kid.
He’s disappointed because things aren’t going his way, and he blames all those feelings on the girl.

What the author wants is redness.
He wants that hot, desperate plea of redness to persuade the girl.

But the emotions I was going to show were a little twisted.
With Lee Haram’s colors added, that faded redness would have a chill to it.

I slowly composed myself.

I prepared myself.
I braced myself to fall all the way to the bottom.

I closed my eyes and summoned my emotions.
I focused all my senses on hearing.

When my heartbeat and the timing of my exhalations lined up,

I forcefully expelled the air stuck in my lungs,

And took off the mask.

The inner self I’d accidentally shown during the drama club initiation…
The form of resentment created by my selfish heart had a dirty nature.

Unlike then, I wouldn’t let go completely.
I couldn’t allow that tar-like black emotion to control me.

Fortunately, I was warm enough to smile without thinking, so
I felt my senses slowly coming back.

Using that bit of leeway, I added to the role.
I put a thin film called “the Monster” over my inner self.

Maybe it was because I still had a cold, but I felt a scratchy sensation in my throat.
I pulled up my breath to add a rough surface to my voice.

I piled the pain I’d experienced onto my emotions.
As I piled it on, I realized just how much pain I’d swallowed over the years.

I opened my eyes.
I slowly took a deep breath to soothe the anger that felt like it was about to explode.

Red, overheated emotions.
I looked for a place to vent them.

The Monster quickly found the girl.
The girl was smiling emptily, alone in a place where no one else was.

People hated her.
It had started with the tragic death of a friend.

On the desk of that friend, who had suddenly left on a long journey, were placed pure white flowers and letters.

And then the friends found the girl.
Among those showing their sadness, the girl was smiling.
She was smiling because she didn’t have any other way to express herself.

People felt uncomfortable with her difference.
They wielded emotions they couldn’t explain themselves, and they bullied the girl.

The Monster looked at the Smiling Girl with venomous eyes and said,

“Why are you just standing there?”

My voice was trembling and cold at the same time.

“I’m okay, Monster,”

The girl answered with a smile, but the Monster sensed the wounds she was hiding.

“Why are you just smiling when those bastards are bullying you? If you’re sad, cry. If they hurt you, bite them back.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because then they’ll hurt.”

The girl kept smiling.
The Monster gritted his teeth.
He wanted to tear off that smile that made him so uncomfortable.

The Monster suddenly realized a truth.
A scrap of the past that he’d carelessly ignored flashed through his mind.

[The fact that those people can see me is proof that they’re afraid.]

People who aren’t afraid can’t see the Monster.
So, how could the girl see him?

After a moment of thought, he spoke to her with conviction.

“You’re scared of me, aren’t you?”
“…”

She had been scared of the Monster from the very beginning.
She had just been hiding her fear with a smile.

“So you are. You’re scared.”

The script described the Monster feeling betrayed by the girl, who was afraid of him.
And then the Monster would get angry, threatening the girl.

But I didn’t like that.
So I added my own interpretation.
Instead of emotions tinged with anger, I added faded redness made of good intentions.

The girl was scared of the Monster, but the Monster still liked the girl.
That’s why the Monster would demand it from her, like a spoiled child.

His lips trembled as he forced himself to imitate the girl’s smile.
The Monster’s expression, with his mouth and eyes moving separately, was repulsive.
He gathered the emotions he’d been building up and opened his mouth.

“I still like you, so that means I can do whatever I want, right?”

The Monster would keep denying the girl.
Whether she liked it or not, he would act according to his own thoughts.

But the girl would still smile.
So it was her fault.

He thrust that sticky, obsessive emotion into the girl’s eyes.
And, feeling her rough breathing in his ear, he said,

“I’ll stop you from smiling.”

I closed my eyes and composed myself.
I took three deep breaths and opened my eyes.
The scene in front of me had changed to something familiar.

The auditorium was steeped in silence.
Everyone’s eyes were on me.
I slowly looked around.

Han Geunseok was stroking his chin with an interesting expression, and Kang Haerin was frowning and covering her forehead with one hand.
Dojun was also looking at me with a serious expression.

The instructor sighed and opened her mouth.

“Haram.”
“Yes?”
“Tone it down. Tone it down. What did I ever do to you?”
“It’s not that, right?”

I tilted my head, confused, then realized what she meant.
Kang Haerin had been reading the girl’s lines, so it seemed like my emotions had naturally been directed at her.

“From now on, even if you ask me to read your lines, I won’t do it. Just do both roles yourself.”
“Instructor, you’re so funny.”
“Does it look like I’m joking?”

Kang Haerin answered with a smile.

Suddenly, all my tension drained away and my legs gave out.
I staggered slightly, and Chaerin, who had been waiting behind me, quickly ran up and supported me.
I thanked her.

“Thanks.”
“Ugh… you crazy bi*ch.”

Chaerin suddenly frowned and looked at the instructor.

“Ugh… Instructor, sorry, but can I give up and try for a different role?”
“Why?”
“To be honest, it feels pointless.”

The instructor sighed deeply at her words, then opened her mouth.

“Do whatever you want. And Lee Haram!”
“Yes?”
“Do you even see that script as a script? I let you improvise a little bit last time, and now you’re completely out of control.”

All those interpretations that were layered into my acting, the lines I had added however I pleased…
It was the most unrestrained behavior an actor could show, so I had no right to complain about getting yelled at.
Haram gave an awkward smile and said,

“But it wasn’t bad, right?”
“It was amazing. That’s why I’m letting it go. If it had been bad, I would have brainwashed you right then and there.”

I finished talking with the instructor and looked up, and the lights on the ceiling were shining in my eyes.
The big lights on the high ceiling were really making their presence known.

I let out a breath full of relief.

People in the past used the stars as their guide for sailing.
Vague brightness can’t show the way.
Only the stars that show their presence among the countless others can tell sailors anything.

The brightest star can guide sailors and correct a wrong course.
That’s why I showed it.
I showed the brightest light I could.

Of course, stars are only visible to people who look up at the night sky.

Fortunately, they were chasing after the stars, so

It definitely got through.