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Chapter 3: There is a work that is not a pledge.

For me, elementary school was the most comfortable period of my life.

When I was in elementary school, my parents weren’t as overbearing yet, so if I just went to school and my after-school academies diligently, there wasn’t much reason to be scolded.

Of course, if my grades dropped drastically, I would get scolded, but that was something every elementary school student experienced.

However, the schedule for those academies was much tighter than other kids’, so I couldn’t even imagine playing briefly during free time like other children.

Still, most of the academies I attended at that time focused on general education, so learning was fun, and I could somewhat converse with other children during class.

It was the most liberating period of my life.

Sometimes, I even wished I could go back to elementary school.

That said, I had never thought about going back to elementary school with my gender changed.

Let me reiterate, ‘I’ve never once thought about going back to elementary school as a ‘girl elementary student’.’

I was being dragged to the department store, my hand held by my mother.

Father stood a step behind, indifferently gazing at the display shelves my mother was looking at.

“This is cute!”

Mother picked up a pink girl’s dress and held it out to me.

“How about this?”

Of course, it was the worst.

No, pink?

On top of that, it had a lot of flowy lace attached.

No matter how I looked at it, it resembled a doll’s dress that young girls would like.

“I, I like that one better.”

I forced my gaze away from the dress and pointed to the plainest-looking pants on the display rack.

Among a display rack full of flashy clothes, they were ordinary pants with no special embellishments.

Among the flashy or expensive-looking clothes, it was the most reassuring design.

“That’s too plain.”

Mother seemed displeased, glancing dismissively at the pants I pointed to before picking up another brightly colored, flashy skirt.

“Isn’t this prettier?”

It seemed my mother was determined to make me wear cute, girlish clothes.

No.

That way is hell.

To think I’d have to start elementary school, which I’d attend for the next six years, in clothes like that.

“Oh, madam has excellent taste.”

As I turned my gaze to look for other plain clothes, a department store saleswoman approached my mother and started talking.

It was the devil’s approach, trying to make me buy one of those flashy outfits.

“This is also a dress from a famous children’s fashion brand.

The fabric is quite durable, so it won’t easily get damaged.

And as you can see, the design is really cute.”

Mother was already listening intently to the saleswoman.

It was a very bad sign.

“This is for this little lady, isn’t it? Your daughter is truly adorable.”

The saleswoman’s eyes turned towards me.

Those eyes, brimming with the will to sell something, anything.

She was staring at me with hyena-like eyes.

“Such a cute child deserves cute clothes.

There are things you can only enjoy at this age, aren’t there?”

It seemed that damn woman had seen the pants I’d pointed to.

Indeed, just comparing the price tags, the clothes my mother was looking at were more expensive than the pants I had chosen.

“Right? Kids should be cute and have that childish charm.”

Mother seemed to really like those words, practically grinning from ear to ear.

Ah, that’s really not it.

If I wore something like that, I’d feel an overwhelming urge to jump out the window.

I steeled myself.

This was something I really didn’t want to do, but it was better than suffering for several years.

I hugged my mother’s body and tilted my head slightly upwards.

This pose was the result of several days of research.

I had watched various videos on TV and my mother’s smartphone, examining the behavior patterns of girls my age one by one.

There wasn’t a single thing I felt I could do sanely, but I forced as much of it into my head as possible.

I never imagined I’d need it this quickly.

“What’s wrong?”

Mother’s gaze shifted from the saleswoman to me.

I forcefully suppressed something that was trying to rise from within me.

I just needed to bear it one more time.

Just one more time, and the next few years would be comfortable.

“I don’t like that one.”

I deliberately made my voice tremble to sound as pitiful as possible.

And I refined my already delicate girl’s voice even further, raising its pitch slightly to make it sound even more fragile.

“I want to buy that one.”

As I stretched my finger towards the pants I had chosen earlier, my mother’s eyes followed.

In the meantime, I quickly bowed my head.

I couldn’t maintain the expression any longer.

I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment.

I deliberately clenched my fists to suppress the shame that felt like it would erupt at any moment.

‘This goddamn f*cking hell.’

‘Why do I have to play this punishment game?’

‘Even if my body had become a girl’s, my mind was that of a robust young man.’

‘My pride as a man inside me was being torn to shreds.’

‘I thought I could do it if I just endured a little, but actually doing it caused immense internal damage.’

I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming right now.

Ah, please.

Just hold on a little longer.

If I just hold on a little longer, I can be comfortable.

‘Can I be comfortable? No, isn’t just dying the most comfortable path?’

“Do you dislike it that much?”

I heard my mother say something, but I had no leisure to reply.

Just suppressing the things that threatened to spill out in so many ways was draining my stamina in real-time.

“If you dislike it this much, buying it feels a bit… off.”

Perhaps because I had clenched my lips and fists too tightly, tears were already welling up in my eyes.

My vision was blurring due to the tears.

But this pain was nothing compared to my self-loathing.

“Oh, r-really?”

The saleswoman seemed flustered, stammered slightly, then told us to take our time looking around before scurrying away.

‘That hyena-like woman.’

‘She should have just not talked to us in the first place.’

‘Then I wouldn’t have suffered such internal damage.’

‘Someday, when this body grows up and I can spend money on my own, I’ll buy up all the shares of this department store group.’

‘I’ll return this humiliation exactly as it was given.’

****

Lately, my 8-year-old daughter has been acting strangely.

If I had to pinpoint the timing, it was after we had dinner with the family of my husband’s company client.

It was a dinner arranged because our daughter had a peer her age, and we brought the children along, but when their child tripped over something, Soan ended up with a large bruise on her cheek.

I was shocked by how hard she hit, losing consciousness, so I immediately took her to the general hospital.

After receiving a diagnosis that there was nothing seriously wrong, I brought her home and put her to bed.

Although I was very surprised, I was relieved that it was just a bruise on her cheek and no major injury.

The problem began after the child woke up.

As if confused, she suddenly jumped out of bed, then avoided my hand when I approached her worriedly, and finally, when she tried to jump out of bed again, she fell face-first, getting an even bigger bruise on her cheek and losing consciousness once more.

The hospital still said there were no major issues.

They said it might be due to being disoriented from a sudden severe shock, and all they suggested was to admit her to the hospital for a while to observe the situation.

He immediately went outside after hearing from the doctor that there was nothing wrong.

He was probably going to call the client’s CEO.

Although he was a gruff man, he doted on his children, so it wouldn’t have been just to discuss business.

Fortunately, Soan, after regaining consciousness again, seemed somewhat composed.

Although she made uncharacteristic mistakes, perhaps still confused about something, there were no major concerning signs.

However, I felt that the child had become quiet somehow after being discharged.

The child, who would normally whine a bit and pester me to play, now quietly watched TV alone or spent more time watching various videos on my smartphone.

When I discreetly peeked from behind to see what she was watching, she was intently focused on programs featuring girls her age.

Then, at some point, she started subtly imitating the actions of the girls on the screen.

Moreover, she somehow started decorating her voice more than usual and murmuring various things.

It was as if she was practicing something.

Of course, as my child, with her cute appearance and such actions, she was incredibly adorable, but I felt a sense of incongruity somewhere.

A feeling like she was being forced to do something she didn’t want to?

Somehow, I felt like I couldn’t understand what that child was thinking, even though she was my own daughter.

‘Is she lonely, perhaps?’

‘Or is there something she’s anxious about?’

For now, I secretly captured my daughter’s cute appearance on my smartphone while pondering a bit.

Oh, now that I think about it, I’d been so preoccupied lately that I’d forgotten, but it was almost time for Soan to enter elementary school.

She had graduated from her daycare, and before this incident, we had even attended the preliminary orientation for the private elementary school where her admission was confirmed.

‘Is she anxious about that, perhaps?’

Come to think of it, I had only prepared the necessary school bag and stationery, but I hadn’t paid any attention to other things at all.

Yes, that’s right.

Girls naturally gain confidence when they dress up.

Even though she’s an 8-year-old daughter now, she’s always liked to dress up like a girl, so I should buy her clothes to wear for the school entrance ceremony.

Taking her shopping this weekend should make her feel better.

I quietly closed the master bedroom door, leaving my daughter imitating the TV.

I left a message for my husband, telling him to make time this weekend no matter what.

Sorry to my second child, Jayeong, but I’ll ask my mother to look after him for a bit, and this weekend, it’ll be my husband, Soan, and me, the three of us, going shopping for the first time in a while.


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