Chapter 1 : Issue 30: Dark Summer

I slept with him.
With my dead lover’s friend.

When I opened my eyes to the sound of rain pattering against the window, the world was so dark it was hard to believe it was morning.
The rain grew stronger, turning into a downpour.
Usually, I would have thought it was f*cking annoying, but on a day like today, I was almost grateful for how it set the scene.
Especially on a morning after waking from the same dream for the seventh day in a row.

“…What time is it?”

“06:48.”

I asked the question assuming he was awake, and a sharp reply came back, without a trace of sleepiness.
After checking the alarm that had rung, I sat up, and the man lying next to me lit a cigarette as if he’d been waiting.
Instead of questioning him for turning off the alarm, Hannah first threw open the window by the head of the bed.
As she brushed back her messy, chin-length bob and faced the driving wind and rain, she felt his eyes on her.

“What are you looking at?”

“The sight of the woman I slept with while getting soaked by the rain.”

The man, with a cigarette between his lips, murmured the plain truth without a hint of a smile.
A moment later, white smoke slowly billowed into the air.
Through the smoke, his long, almond-shaped eyes were fixed on her exposed white body.
Hannah found a black hair tie, roughly tied her short hair back, and tucked the stray strands behind her ear, nonchalantly sizing him up in return.

Beneath his fine black hair, his tanned skin was undeniably beautiful.
I wondered if it was just an impression from last night, but seeing him again, his appearance truly didn’t suit this shabby room.
That much hadn’t changed at all, not then and not now.
Not from our ignorant days as nineteen-year-old cadets, through crossing the line between life and death several times, to this very moment as adults.

As I silently gazed at him before turning my head back to the rainy view outside, the white wall directly in front came into view.
No view to speak of.
A crack ran up the wall from the bottom.
‘It’s like last night’s encounter,’ I thought.
The truth was, I knew it would turn out this way.
From the moment we met in front of the gravestone yesterday, from the moment I saw those dark eyes staring intently at me over the black officer’s uniform.
‘Ah, we’re going to sleep together,’ I had thought.
By the time you’re twenty-eight, you can sense that kind of atmosphere even before he takes off his formal cap.

“Need a light?”

He asked as I pulled a cigarette from the pack on the side table.
Ah, come to think of it, yesterday too….
Back then, he had asked me the same thing as I searched my pockets for my lost lighter.

“Need a light?”

As I leaned toward him without protest, a flame clicked to life, burning long and making the tip of my cigarette glow red.
Drawing on the filter, I grasped at the last memory.
A toppled, rolling glass and a well-sculpted face looking down.
As I exhaled a cloud of smoke, a faint light shimmered, as if to protest that it was, in fact, morning.

Yesterday, in this shabby place, I slept with Zakar Kairos.
A damp room.
On a bed steeped in the faint smell of cigarettes.
Without either of us making the first move, I had reached out, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him.
He smelled clean.
I always thought s*x just smelled dirty and sticky… Is that why I held a faint hope?
That maybe, I could be freed from the agonizing dreams of the dead.
Clinging to a soft, uncharacteristic wish.
But far from being liberated, my body felt even heavier this morning, like rain-soaked dust.
Of course, it’s not his fault.
To blame him would be a pang of conscience, as the memory of being pressed down and gasping last night was too ecstatic.
So, it’s just my problem.
Always, ever since I came up from below, it’s been like this.
As if something huge is clinging to my back.

“Your sleep-talking was quite a spectacle.”

Zakar’s low voice cut through the silence, riding on the smoke.

“‘Don’t touch me. I’ll kill you. If you dare lay a hand on them, I’ll kill every last one of you, so watch yourself.’”

His calm, reading-like voice set my nerves on edge.
I slowly turned my gaze to meet his, finding his eyes studying me.
The man, with his indifferent face, flicked his ash and asked casually.

“Did you have a terrible dream? Or is making murder threats a hobby of yours?”

“…Both. I dreamed that the man I brought home last night forgot who I was and turned forceful.”

As I gave an equally casual smirk, a slow light gathered in the man’s eyes that were staring at me.
As long as there were mirrors, I knew my smile could stir something even in a man with no feelings for me.

“I have a confession to make.”

Hannah lowered her upturned eyes, took a deep drag of her cigarette, and then exhaled with a quick dip of her head.

“I’ve always thought you were the type to choke a woman during s*x. But last night, you were more normal than I expected. Sorry.”

Their gazes locked intensely at close range.
The man, staring fixedly, broke the silence with a tilt of his lips, accepting the challenge.

“You look like you’d scream, but you didn’t make a sound.”

Then, as if to meet her expectation, a large hand traveled up her nape.
But it stopped near her carotid artery, where her pulse was throbbing.
He asked.

“Want to go again?”

“……”

“On the condition that we meet each other’s expectations this time.”

Her eyes widened slightly.
Zakar didn’t take his eyes off her face.
This was different from when they started, drunk.
Now, they were both sober, and a second time couldn’t be covered up by the name of a mistake.
‘This is a real betrayal.’

“…No. Besides, once this chance meeting is over, we’re not the type to see each other privately again, are we?”

As she answered quietly, the sound of the rain filled the space between them.
The man looked as though his interest had waned.
His hand slid down from her shoulder, and in one motion, he rose from the bed.

“I’m just saying this on the off chance, but if you’re feeling some unfitting guilt, get rid of it. If it were me, on the anniversary of my death, I’d rather my lover be screwing someone than locked up in a room crying alone.”

The man, reaching for the clothes draped over a chair, ran a hand through his hair, which was darker than the night, and glanced over his shoulder.
I felt blindsided.
I knew one of us was bound to mention Ian this morning.
Even so, I heard a cracking sound inside me.
As if something sharp had broken, or perhaps, something already broken had been trampled.

“…I was wondering why. So that was it? You slept with me as if to comfort me?”

“……”

“Were you afraid I’d lock myself in and cry all night? Did that idiot ask you to take care of me like that after he died?”

He didn’t answer for a moment.
I thought he was focused on getting dressed, but then came a low chuckle.
At the end of a suffocating silence, he turned his sharp, slit-like eyes and answered.

“No, I just did it because I wanted to. We’re creatures far more lacking in morals than you think.”

“……”

“We have s*x on the brain 24/7. To the point that when you sit there looking like that, the conversation half-derails and all I can think about is how to get it in.”

For some reason, I couldn’t move from my spot until the man, with a smirk on his lips, had carelessly thrown on his uniform.
Not until he finally turned his head and left the room, not until the old hinge cried out and the sound of running water could be heard from the shared bathroom down the hall.
The sound of the shower spray is a little different from the natural sound of the rain.
It’s a more violent, forceful water pressure.
The old tiles scream in pain.
I put out my cigarette in the ashtray and numbly covered my ears.
I feel like I’m drowning.
Two years after the most horrific disaster in Earth’s history concluded.
Perhaps because the anniversary has been just around the corner, I’ve been dreaming for a week about my ex-lover who never made it out of that pit.

“I went to the barracks and there was a guy with similar tastes to you. I think you two would have a lot of fun if you met.”

“It’s such a strange coincidence. That song you said you liked the other day, I thought I’d heard it somewhere, and it was the same as Zakar’s annoying alarm. Haha, I know you’d hate it if I said I was jealous of something like this.”

“This is the first time you two have spoken since basic training, right? This is the famous Zakar Kairos, my roommate for this semester. And this is Hannah Tara, my friend from the facility.”

“…I’m sorry that guilt comes before longing.”

I murmured and looked out the window.
The pouring rain scarred the white wall with countless wounds.
Yesterday was the anniversary of Ian’s death.
He was one of the countless soldiers who died for humanity.
A number that is merely a statistic becomes a reality for those who were close.
As a fledgling second lieutenant, I survived by trampling on his sacrifice three years ago.

Trring-

Drifting in the abyss of memory, I was pulled back to reality by the sound of a notification.
It’s my day off, so it must be someone asking to meet.
As the anniversary of Ian’s death approached, people around me became almost burdensome in their concern.

I closed the window and pulled on my underwear and a tactical tank top.
I reached out, fumbling for my phone screen somewhere on the bed.
As I scrolled down, the screen lit up, illuminating the dark room.

[Inbox 01]
[Subject: I’m back, Hannah. I’m right behind you.]
[From: Ian Somerset]

An email arrived from my dead lover.
On the morning I slept with his friend.