Chapter 1: The Name He Kept Hearing

No matter how much time is rewound, the conclusion remains the same.

There was no one I loved as much as you.

I loved you more than I loved myself.

That was my luck, and that was my misfortune.

It was March, and the cold had not fully gone. Tae-in walked to school, breathing out white puffs.

It was the first day.

The school had no entrance ceremony and no proper playground, so he did not expect much. He had passed the building often. At first he thought it was a cram school, until someone told him it was a school. A delinquent school, too.

Through elementary and middle school, Tae-in had been sure he would end up there.

People talk about intuition. From the time he could barely toddle until now, Tae-in’s life had been quietly falling apart. He was the one living it, so it was hard to feel it happening.

For one, Tae-in had no parents. His father had never been there, and he had parted from his mother at four. She had left him at a childcare facility without warning. From then until high school, he lived in institutions.

When he was younger, it was a place people openly called an orphanage. By the time he was old enough for school, it was a home-style facility with fewer than ten children his age.

They called it a facility, but those places could be unstable. Tae-in had been lucky.

From fifth grade through high school, he stayed in one place. Sometimes the building changed, or even the neighborhood. Haengbokwon, where Tae-in lived, was the exception.

“The owner is a good person. He says he’ll stay with us even without outside support.”

The center teacher had said that so often it was worn smooth. Other kids sometimes moved facilities every six months. You were born under a lucky star, she told them. At least you became locals in this neighborhood.

The children were supposed to be happy about that. Tae-in had secretly thought it was a relief. Moving houses and neighborhoods for no reason did no one any good.

If he had to name one thing that had gone well in his life, he and the other Haengbokwon kids could name that.

He took the bus to elementary and middle school. The facility stayed in one spot, but the schools were badly located. Middle school especially was far, so the commute took a fair amount of time.

Around then, his classmates became a bigger problem than the distance.

Tae-in had always been clumsy at making friends.

Between graduating elementary school and entering middle school, he had no one he contacted privately.

He talked with everyone at school, but no one came to mind when he heard the word “friend.”

He did not think much about making friends, and his sense of rank among kids was weak. He simply did not want to bother with all that.

Since Tae-in was alone in that way, his classmates paid him no attention. That continued through the first year of middle school.

Then in second year, he was placed in the same class as the bullies, and his daily life cracked.

Tae-in treated everyone the same, ordinary students and bullies alike. He answered only necessary questions. When someone tried to act close, he kept his distance. The bullies found that irritating.

They harassed him until the winter break of third year. They called him to the gym and picked fights, hitting him where it would not show. They left wounds on his ears, shoulders, and thighs.

At first it was not outright beating. But Tae-in stared straight at them, and that made them angry enough to raise their hands. Tae-in did not just take it. If a punch came first, he threw one back into their faces. But Tae-in was one, and the bullies were many.

It was natural that he got hurt. Even when he came back to the facility injured, no one noticed.

He just showered and went to sleep early. The next day he went to school and the same life waited.

He had grown into someone who was not easily hurt. He did not cry or get scared. He fought back every time.

Middle school was long if he counted it that way, and short if he did not. Marks remained here and there on his body, but they were small or nearly invisible. Bruises faded after a few days.

Entering high school meant the end of middle school, not a new beginning. He just wanted to graduate quickly and work. He had done part-time jobs now and then, but never real work.

The facility teachers and school teachers often stressed doing one’s share. They said doing your share was what made you an adult. So study hard, earn money.

Studying was already out of reach. The best he could do was get a high school diploma and find a decent job. If that failed, he could go to a construction site. Surely somewhere would hire him.

A diploma was better than none, so he sent an application to the nearest school.

Delinquent school or worse, graduation was all that mattered. School had never meant anything to Tae-in. It was a place he went because he was told to. A place he attended because he had to.

He hoped high school would pass without meaning, just like everything before.

It really was a delinquent school. Elementary and middle school had been different, and middle and high school were worlds apart. This place, which gathered only delinquents, was even more so.

The school put employment first, so the teachers did not talk about college. It was not because the students were first years. Past the entrance, the walls were covered with posters for job centers and high school graduate jobs.

The school’s direction was clear, and the students followed it. That was only natural.

The homeroom teacher said the school used to take in trash too awful to mention, and the atmosphere had improved somewhat. He also said it had ties to many small and mid-sized companies, so it would help with employment.

Tae-in listened and looked around the classroom.

There were five buzz cuts and two heads of long hair. One student had bleached his hair yellow. The school had no hair rules, so free styles were allowed. Tae-in still wondered if this was okay.

It was still a school. He had not thought they would openly dress like thugs.

Their hair was not the only issue. No one wore the uniform properly. There were a little over twenty students in the class. Tae-in was the neatest among them, and he was noticeably handsome, so he drew unnecessary looks. People kept glancing at him.

The school was mostly boys, and interest in Tae-in died within a month. He was neither playful nor loud, so attention faded on its own.

That suited Tae-in. He had worried a school full of noisy kids would be tiring, but there was none of that. It was the best possible condition for someone who hated standing out. For a long while, plenty of kids did not know his name.

What his classmates did or the violence they committed outside had nothing to do with his life. One by one, they were worse than the middle school bullies, but they had no interest in school itself. They saved bigger trouble for outside. Big incidents at school were rare.

Their incidents led to juvenile detention and juvenile prison. Many joined gangs and became thugs. The students seemed to treat that as ordinary.

Tae-in sat at his desk and was forced to hear talk he did not care about. The voices were too loud to ignore. What gang, what crew. That bastard was unlucky and got sent up. Most of it was short, but some topics dragged on. One name came up again and again.

The name mentioned most over that month was Gu Wan-jae.

He did not seem to be in the room. Whenever someone said Gu Wan-jae, or asked if they had seen Gu Wan-jae, the others perked up their ears. What had Gu Wan-jae done, and where was he? They looked that curious.

When the name repeated, Tae-in sometimes sank into thought with them.

It felt like a name he knew.

Who is it?

At first it seemed like a pointless thought, but someone kept coming to mind.

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