Chapter 1 : Lee Haram

The gears of daily life continued to turn.

Going to work, working, leaving work, going to work again, leaving work again.

Was the reason this simple, yet tedious routine felt like it was consuming me because I still held expectations for the future?

I tapped at the keyboard, a dry, strained smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

I stared at the display on the monitor.
White letters against a black background.

Senior Programmer Lee Haram, 34 years old.

The rigid and colorless nature of the work suited my temperament; development work fit me well.
Of course, it wasn’t as if I was blindly passionate about the work itself.

Team Leader Kim entered the office, clapping his hands to gather everyone’s attention.
“Alright everyone, I have an announcement.”

At his words, the entire team wore complicated expressions.
Usually, when the team leader started speaking like this, nine times out of ten, it was bad news.

“There’s been an issue with the QA team, so testing is going to run late. At least one senior developer needs to stay on standby.”

I had a sliver of hope, but as expected…
Sighs rippled through the office.
The inevitable game of avoiding responsibility began.

The team leader had mentioned one person.
Only one person needed to be sacrificed.

Everyone averted their gazes, trying to shift the burden.
It was understandable; no one wanted to be stuck working overtime on a golden Friday night.
I let out a long sigh and raised my hand.

“I’ll do it.”
“Are you sure, Haram?”
“I don’t have anything to do at home anyway.”
“Didn’t you do it last time too, Haram? I feel bad asking you again.”
“I’ll earn some extra money, so it’s all good.”
“I’m relieved to have a skilled developer like you, Haram. I’ll report to the higher-ups, so you don’t need to submit a separate request for overtime pay.”
Team Leader Kim returned to his seat with a pleasant smile.

As the commotion died down and everyone returned to their work, I felt a finger poke my shoulder. Turning my head, I saw Joohyun, my junior colleague, grinning.

She leaned in cautiously and whispered,
“Senior, you’re doing overtime tonight?”
“Yeah, I’m stuck here. Shouldn’t you be working?”
“I’m already finished. Whose junior am I, after all?”
“Then instead of slacking off, why don’t you do some personal study?”

Joohyun frowned at my dismissal.
“Senior, I swear your heart must be made of functions. Be honest, do you have a human developer kit installed in your brain?”
“So you inherited it from me and that’s how you became a developer? What’s your point?”
“Ah, I’m stuck on something. Can I ask you about it later during overtime?”
“Do you have to? I’m almost done; just need to commit this part. You can ask me now…”

Joohyun smiled slyly and went over to the team leader’s desk. After a brief conversation, she returned.
“Senior, looks like you have a companion for overtime! What do you want for dinner later?”
“Now… Just, whatever.”

***

The office was shrouded in darkness after everyone left for the day.
Only the space occupied by Joohyun and me was illuminated.

“Before we discuss the problem, where did you learn to declare variable names like this? a, b, c, d? Are you studying the alphabet? And what’s with this indentation? I can’t tell if these are global or local variables. If you’re going to write code like this, you might as well become a poet.”
“That’s how they taught us at the academy.”
Joohyun pursed her lips at my reprimand.

“Didn’t I teach you about camel, pascal, and snake case when you first joined? Not knowing is a mistake, but knowing and not applying is a crime.”
“Alright, alright… just teach me already.”

The problem she had was relatively simple.
I quickly explained it to her.

“But you didn’t know this? You’ve solved much more complex issues on your own.”
“I guess I was overthinking it.”
“Hmm, hold on.”

[QA Team Na Guihyun]

A welcome name appeared on my phone screen.
I answered immediately.

–The test results are fine. The development team can head home.
“Oh, okay. Thank you for your hard work.”
–You too.

I put my phone back in my pocket and looked at Joohyun, who was looking at me expectantly.

“You can go home.”
“Senior, how about some Pork Belly and Soju before we go?”
“And I’m paying?”
“Of course, you have to treat your poor junior. I can’t open my wallet, you know.”

I gave her an incredulous look as she feigned poverty.

“Just admit it. You planned this whole thing just to get free barbecue.”
“Hey, what are you talking about?”

Joohyun flashed a suspicious smile.
Come to think of it, she was a capable developer who could handle her own workload. Why would she need my help with such a simple problem?
Suspicion bloomed in my chest, but I quickly extinguished it with a sigh.

“Drink in moderation tonight.”
“Yay! You’re the best, senior.”

***

I always ended up being generous with my wallet when it came to drinking.
Partly due to the atmosphere, but also because of a sense of gratitude towards the other person.

Who else could I truly open up to and relax with these days?
We were all so jaded by society, mistaking the masks we wore for our true faces, afflicted by an inability to be honest.

That’s why the simple childhood phrase, “Let’s play,” had to be replaced with adult terms like, “Let’s grab a drink.”

Sadly, it was only through this bitter, transparent liquid that we could rediscover our childlike innocence.
Seen this way, the invitation to drink together was perhaps a form of expressing affection.

So, kindness for kindness.
The kindness a jaded adult could offer was the product of capitalism: green banknotes or a card with a black stripe.
Still, if opening my wallet meant we could be honest with each other, it was a worthwhile trade.

Joohyun deftly opened the soju bottle cap.
“I’m leaving if you start barking.”
“Hey, I’m not that drunk yet. Come on, senior, drink up! Cheers!”

With the repeated rounds of drinks, my vision began to blur.
Having fully rediscovered her childlike innocence, Joohyun finally voiced what had been on her mind.

“Senior, why do you always sacrifice yourself?”
“Sacrifice?”
“Like today. You’re always the one sacrificing, and people take it for granted. Do you know how upset that makes me?”
“I’m the one suffering, why are *you* upset?”
“Exactly! That’s what’s strange! From now on, absolutely never do that again.”
“Being at home is more depressing. It’s better if I just do it.”

Wouldn’t it be better to yield to those who could still find happiness, unlike myself, who felt apathy towards everything?
These words tumbled out without much thought.

Seeing Joohyun’s tearful expression as she stared at me, I realized I had made a mistake.
Sometimes, the clear liquid loosened one’s tongue.

“Depressing…?”
She sniffled, chewing on the crispy Pork Belly.

“Why…?”
“…Didn’t I say I’d leave if you started barking?”
“Why are you depressed?!”
“I’m screwed. Let’s just finish what’s on the table and go.”
“No.”
“What?”
“I’m not leaving until you explain.”
Her eyes, brimming with tears, held a spark of defiance.

I covered my forehead with my hand.
Why was this junior so concerned about other people?

To further loosen my already loose tongue, I took another swig of soju.

***

When something happy happened, you laughed. When something sad happened, you cried.
Unlike now, as a child, I found it difficult to hide my emotions.

Our family wasn’t well-off, but we had enough to laugh with friends over silly things and harbor small dreams.
There was a time when the sound of simmering stew filled the living room after school, my father quietly watched the news in the bedroom, and I bickered with my older sister over the computer. Simple, happy days.

Misfortune begins with small cracks.
One day, my mother’s phone rang, filling the air with unease.
A stranger’s voice on the other end calmly delivered the tragedy.

–Are you family of Lee Jinseong?

The long conversation that followed could be summarized as:
Your spouse caused an accident while driving under the influence. He’s in critical condition, so get here immediately.

Ironically, my father, the clear perpetrator, never faced legal judgment.
We rushed to the hospital after the call, but his face was already covered with a white sheet.

There were no laws in this country to prosecute the dead.
My father left the world, leaving only grief and anger in his wake.

Divine retribution was clearer than society’s rules.
If I could hear God’s voice, he would surely have said:

Sinner Lee Jinseong is judged. The remaining sins that cannot be repaid with death will be passed onto his bloodline.
Your family will live in poverty and sorrow.

Soon, our home changed.
From a decent apartment where a family of four could have their own spaces, we moved to a semi-basement with only one spare room.
As the amount of light diminished, blocked by the neighboring building, so did my words.

We changed.
The kitchen no longer echoed with the sound of simmering stew, my sister and I no longer argued, and the sound of news from the bedroom disappeared.

I felt like I was drowning in this atmosphere. Fortunately, my body was healthy, and when my draft notice arrived, I ran away to the military without telling anyone.

Two years passed. I left my emotional baggage at the front lines and was fully immersed in civilian life when I received shocking news.

The news of my mother’s death.
Apparently, she jumped from the roof of our old apartment building.

At my mother’s funeral, my sister, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, asked me where I had been.

With an awkward expression, I told her I had been in the military.
She seemed about to say something but stopped herself, biting her lip with a complex expression.
Then she just said, “Live well.”
After that day, I lost contact with her as well.

I found a job related to my major and lived a dull life.
At some point, I realized I was completely alone.

And so, I became a person who didn’t expect anything from tomorrow.

***

After telling Joohyun everything, I took a swig of soju, trying to refill the emptiness created by pouring out my past.
Joohyun had been crying since the middle of my story.

“I’m sorry. Hic- It’s rude of me to cry like this. Sniff-”
“Stop crying. You look ugly when you cry.”
“Sob- Senior… You’re a jerk.”

I helped the half-drunk Joohyun out of the restaurant after paying the bill.
Our adult playdate was over.
It was time to return to our respective shelters.

We walked down the street, past the bright billboards of the nightlife district, into an area lit only by streetlights.
Passersby and cars remained indifferent to us.

Joohyun, though sobering up, still needed my support as she stumbled along.
With a flushed face, she looked up at the sky and said,
“Wow, the moon is beautiful. Senior, are you still alive?”
“I’m alive. If I die now, you’re next.”
“Aren’t you lonely? I think I’d cry every day until my tear ducts dried up.”
“Mine are already dry, so I don’t feel anything anymore.”
“I can make you feel less lonely tonight. Or maybe even beyond tonight.”
“What?”

Taken aback, I looked at Joohyun’s face. She turned away, revealing her bright red ears.
It seemed even the invincible power of alcohol couldn’t hide her embarrassment.

“How am I supposed to interpret that?”
She hesitated for a moment, her lips moving slightly. Then, as if having made up her mind, she nodded and turned, blocking my path.

“Senior, I like you. Just go out with me already.”
“Is that a threat or a confession? Pick one. And is that all you wanted to say?”
“Just… how about a one-night stand tonight…?”

Joohyun averted her gaze as she spoke.
I chuckled at her bold yet shy demeanor.

Despite her valiant effort, my answer was already decided.

***

“I knew it.”
“If you knew, why didn’t you hold back?”
“It’s all your fault. You made me feel all messed up by telling me about your past.”

Joohyun’s confession ultimately failed.
The problem was that she lived quite close to me, so we had to continue walking together, faces burning.
But seeing her walking ahead and chatting casually, it seemed her claim of knowing I’d reject her wasn’t a lie.

“Don’t think too much about it. It’s not your fault.”
“I know. It couldn’t possibly be my fault.”

She smiled bitterly and nodded.
Unlike her, brave enough to confess her feelings, I was a coward, unwilling to let anyone in.
I had learned long ago that it was cheaper to deceive myself than to trust the world.

She smiled gently and said,
“But promise me one thing, senior.”
“What promise?”
“Change. Have some expectations for tomorrow. You don’t have to be my lover, just give me permission to make you less lonely.”
“You won’t do it without my permission?”
“That’s true too. Just accept it. I’ll come to you like a natural disaster, anytime, anywhere.”

Joohyun’s audacity thawed something frozen within me.

However…
The world, as always, decided to play a cruel joke on me.

Behind her, a car swerved erratically on the road, speeding towards us.
It was clearly a drunk driver.
Based on its trajectory, it would hit us in a matter of seconds.

I reached out and shoved her out of the way.
After a brief moment that felt like an eternity, a crash resonated through the air.

Blink-
My vision flickered, and I felt the cold ground against me.
Breathing was difficult, but it wasn’t that painful.

Blink-
Joohyun stared down at me in disbelief.
I was much taller than her.
It was a strange feeling to have her looking down at me.

Blink-
My vision faded to black.
I couldn’t see anything anymore.
Someone’s cries and screams mixed with the sound of a car engine, creating a cacophony in my head.

‘I’m dying before I could even spend all my saved money.’

The noises gradually subsided.
And so, I died.

***

I died.
I should be dead.

Yet, the distinct sensation of my body created a jarring dissonance.
A room decorated in a distinctly girly fashion.

With trembling hands, I took out my phone and checked.
Staring back at me was a distinctly feminine face, with familiar eyes.