Chapter 10 : Thighs

I considered myself rather cynical.

Generally indifferent to the world, I rarely paid attention to what happened around me.

One could call me avoidant.

Disliking anything troublesome, difficult, or tiring, I’d turn away from problems, hoping they’d resolve themselves.

But, perhaps unsurprisingly,
I wasn’t always like this.

Cynicism and avoidance were traits honed by harsh years and a cold reality,
Defense mechanisms to protect a fragile mind.

I didn’t know how I ended up with such a complicated, troublesome personality.

I had a sort of trauma.

The belief that if I voiced my desires, wants, or needs,
They would never be fulfilled.

Instead, I’d lose even what little I had.

As if cursed,
Or punished for daring to want anything.

Logically, I knew that all the bad things that happened to me were mere coincidences, but
Experience had taught me that voicing my desires required immense courage.

“…”
“…”

I felt slightly dizzy.
Ever since I’d leaned against Karen.

My body was extremely sensitive to physical contact.

Even though it didn’t actually make me warmer,
Simply being close to someone, sharing their body heat, overwhelmed me with a strange sensation.

It wasn’t lust. Not that kind of foolish feeling.

Or maybe it was. I wished it were.

If my sexual desire could overcome my trauma, I could find someone, anyone, to hold onto and chase away the cold nights.

“Mm…”

In that sense,
I wasn’t in my right mind.

Setting aside my self-loathing,
Pressing myself against the woman who despised me most in the world, burying my face in her chest, was hardly normal behavior.

Well, it was understandable.
I wasn’t completely sober.

Alcohol was the only thing that could break down my stubborn refusal to voice my desires. And my current behavior
Was the result of pouring enough alcohol down my throat last night to erase my memories.

My true nature was weak and fragile,
Easily reverting to a childlike dependence with the slightest crack in my armor.

That’s why
I couldn’t pull myself away from the woman who hated me.

Perhaps using that as an excuse,
I was doing what I truly desired.

Disgusting and pathetic.
I berated myself, as usual.

But the gap between reason and instinct was too wide.

Despite knowing I was acting like trash,
My body moved on its own.

Karen’s refreshing scent filled my nostrils, and
I instinctively sniffed her, like an idiot.

“Hmm, mmm…”

After a while,
I came to my senses and glanced at Karen.

Her eyes, looking down at me nestled in her arms, were icy cold.

She was disgusted.

Her stillness, her lack of reaction, confirmed it.

I looked pathetic, reflected in her obsidian eyes.

Where was the emotionless, wooden doll who never reacted to anything?

A giddy fool, grinning like an idiot, enjoying the alcohol, the warmth, the comfort of her embrace, had taken her place.

But there was something strange.

Karen wasn’t doing anything.

Despite ample opportunity to push me away, she remained frozen, making no attempt to remove me.

That was odd,
Considering our relationship.

Maybe time had stopped.

Of course, that was impossible, but
The thought crossed my mind, and I grew bolder.

“Karen, Karen…”
“…”

Hmm, mmm. Even I cringed at the sounds I was making.
It was so impulsive, even my indifferent self couldn’t hide the embarrassment.

My face burned.

I was truly hopeless, ignoring the shame and wriggling closer, seeking more contact.

The friction between our uniforms
Created wrinkles in our clothes and loosened our ties.

Greedy for more, I wanted to stay like this forever… just a little longer…

I might have,
If it weren’t for the clear voice that suddenly cut through the air.

“You two seem close.”

It wasn’t Karen.

The voice came from behind me. I couldn’t see who it was, but
I recognized the gentle tone immediately.

There was only one person with such a sweet, melodious voice.

Lucia.

I froze, my heart plummeting.
Like being caught red-handed.

But someone was even more startled than me.
Karen, as if surprised and embarrassed by Lucia’s sudden appearance,
Immediately pushed me away.

Pushed wasn’t the right word.

I practically flew through the air and landed on the ground with a thud.

How strong was she?

Alarmed, Lucia rushed to my side.

“Tanya, are you okay?”
“…”

I’d landed in a puddle of dirty water,
Soaking my dusty skirt.

Lucia offered me a hand.
I ignored it, pushing myself up and wringing out my skirt.

The hem rode up, exposing my thighs.

Lucia’s eyes flickered to my legs, her pink pupils widening.

I soon understood why.

“Wait, Tanya, wait. Why… what… there…”

Her gaze was fixed on the scars that littered my thighs.

Having run out of space on my wrists, I’d turned to my thighs.
The red and black scabs were a testament to my cold nights.

Lucia, staring at my legs,
Turned to me, her expression filled with a mixture of emotions.

“Did you cut yourself cooking there too?”

And in that moment,
I knew.

She hadn’t believed my excuse when she saw my wrists.
My perception of her as naive had been an illusion.

I had no excuse.

“Don’t worry about it.”

That was all I could say.

Lucia’s expression became complicated.
She had a lot to say, but too much to know where to begin.

And then, Karen intervened.

The one who’d just thrown me to the ground
Now approached, her face a mask of concern.

“What happened? Who did this? Why? Titania, tell me. Now.”
“…”

I sighed inwardly.

How could she be so slow on the uptake? Even slower than Lucia.

With the last of the alcohol leaving my system, only embarrassment remained.

What, and how, was I supposed to explain this?

I didn’t want pity,
And I didn’t enjoy being looked at with disgust. I had only one option.

Ignore them.

Why should I explain myself? There was nothing to be proud of.

My indifference wasn’t an invitation for further scrutiny. I didn’t want to be hated more than I already was.

I remained silent.

Karen seemed frustrated by my silence. She reached out
As if to shake me.

And she did.

“What happened? Who? Why? Titania, tell me. Now.”
“…”

How flustered was she? Her words were jumbled, barely forming coherent sentences.

It was strange.

You hate me, don’t you?

I understood her misconception.
She thought I was being bullied.

But her reaction was odd.

If I was unhappy and hurt,
Shouldn’t she be happy?

Because she hated me. Couldn’t even stand the sight of me.

She’d even said she wished I’d disappear.

And yet…

“Ah.”

Suddenly,
It hit me like lightning.

Lucia was here.

She had to at least pretend to be concerned.

If she saw Karen’s true reaction to my scars, her enjoyment,
She’d hate me.

I was a fool for even momentarily hoping Karen cared.

My mood plummeted
To the deepest depths of despair.

 A pair each of pink and black eyes studied me.

I didn’t need their fake concern.
It wouldn’t solve anything, and I didn’t want it.

I just wanted to get away.

“It’s none of your business.”

I swatted Karen’s hand away and
Left.

I felt terrible.