Chapter 17: Please, Don’t Leave Me.

“It’s not your fault.”

Did she think it was an obvious consolation?

Ceril didn’t react much.

She was just staring at the air with a pale face, like before.

So, Seo Jin unfolded the documents that he had brought.

He read one passage from it out loud, slowly.

“Alpha Company Operation Record Report. 16:03, during a reconnaissance mission in Zone A817, an Encroachment species hatchery was detected. Ordered 1st Platoon to recon for detailed analysis. Is that correct?”

It was a report organized in chronological order.

But Ceril began to feel distressed just by hearing that description again.

“Stop….”

But Seo Jin didn’t stop.

“What orders did the Major give at that time?”

“Tell me.”

“……I found a large number of spawned cocoons, so I ordered them to be incinerated…………….”

“Did you know in advance that there was an Epsilon-class mutated species about to hatch among them?”

“……No.”

“Then why are you blaming yourself?”

“If I had judged a little better….”

“At the time of the first observation of the hatchery, was there a particularly high concentration of Hexa Virus detected?”

“Then, did you receive reports of high heat reactions or warnings about the content of specific organic components in the hatchery samples, which were clues for the fable (uhwa:emerging; transforming) of high-ranking Encroachment species?”

“Major, you didn’t make the wrong judgment. The probability of a high-ranking mutated species appearing in such a small hatchery is extremely low. However…. there are sometimes mutant entities that appear without any clues.”

“As you know, those guys evolve to be several times stronger than their kin when they become adults. Catching the infant sifter(chae: form) right after hatching is closer to an achievement of preventing even greater loss of life. That’s why the higher-ups didn’t question the Major’s judgment or discuss disciplinary action. Rather, they might be discussing medals for the fallen soldiers.”

Only then did Ceril turn to look at Seo Jin with eyes that had a little focus.

The story that he had told her was clearly a little different from the situation in the memory that Ceril was reproaching herself with.

Those who have experienced battles mostly experience the loss and distortion of memories that they aren’t even aware of. In a terrifying and violent experience where they are going back and forth between life and death, hormones are secreted explosively in the brain, so emotions and memories are mixed together.

So, there are cases where people have irrational guilt in situations where they have lost people around them.

Just like how firefighters have lifelong guilt even for people who couldn’t realistically be saved at the scene of an accident. If you have lost precious family members or colleagues, even more intense emotions are bound to be subjectively mixed in with your memories.

So, you have to properly separate those emotions from the real reality in order to prevent and overcome trauma. Through objective debriefing just like now.

In fact, this is originally conducted by professional counselors or military doctors.

At the very least, it was a role that those who had the same experience, like her colleagues or superiors, would take on.

However, the Allied Forces were currently engaged in an unprecedented great war. There was a shortage of every kind of manpower right now, and they didn’t even have the energy (yeoryeok: capacity; energy) to care about the mental problems of individual soldiers or officers.

Medical personnel were already struggling to focus only on the critically injured soldiers, and even the superiors who had experienced the same things as her were too busy.

As a result, psychological problems eventually became a structure that had no choice but to be overcome individually.

Ceril probably couldn’t easily confide in those around her either. The only people around her were the same unit members, but she herself was the superior. It was difficult to lay out weak words from a position where she had to be believed in and relied on.

But to Seo Jin, who was a member of another unit and was still close to being a stranger, she could have rather talked more comfortably.

Seo Jin knew that feeling.

Because he had a similar experience. After falling into this strange world for the first time, and after joining the Allied Forces, he had thought while just fighting to survive and then losing all of his unit members.

If he had used his knowledge and experience as a player a little more properly, could he have saved the people around him? Even though he knew that it was impossible in the position of a mere soldier, he kept having that guilt. There was a time when their voices woke him up at night as auditory hallucination (hwancheong: auditory hallucinations) and gradually his emotion was drying up.

At that time, Seo Jin was also able to overcome it with someone’s help.

“It’s not your fault.”

Through the story with Arcel, he learned that looking back at memories objectively was helpful enough in overcoming difficult memories.

So, it was a word that he could say just the same.

Seo Jin once again looked straight into Ceril’s two eyes.

In the faded light brown eyes that were looking back at him,

He could see the emotions that were starting to come back little by little.

Ceril safely returned to her original affiliated unit before long.

Fortunately, the company members who remained there didn’t blame her at all either.

They were just understanding and comforting each other.

Thanks to that, she was able to pull herself together quickly and grow even further.

After that, Seo Jin also often heard news from that side. Stories that she was still building up merits as a capable commander. There were sometimes opportunities to meet in person too.

When he shared news with her, the appearance of her that he faced was always confident. She seemed to have properly overcome the past sadness, to the point where it gave Seo Jin a sense of accomplishment in his own way too.

But…. some kinds of scars never heal.

In fact, Ceril hadn’t overcome the guilt.

However, thanks to the comrades who had been with her by her side,

She was turning her head,

And looking at each other,

And had been constantly averting her eyes from the terrible experience.

But as time passed, the situation changed.

The war between Encroachment and humanity became more and more intense.

The battles that crossed back and forth over the defense lines also gradually became fierce, and the Allied Forces’ loss of life also increased exponentially. In that process, the comrades who had been fighting with Ceril also died one by one or left the unit.

As the familiar faces disappeared from around her, Ceril closed her heart. She couldn’t regard the new recruits as another family anymore either. The pain of loss was that much more painful.

In the photo that had been taken with the company members when she had first been transferred to the 77th Reconnaissance Regiment, she could no longer find any of the familiar faces from that time around her.

Like that, Ceril was left alone.

When she came to her senses, everyone had left her side, and now their voices began to be heard again.

In a place that was too quiet because she had been left alone, the auditory hallucination (hwancheong: auditory hallucinations) of those who had left always tickled her ears.

There were more days when she couldn’t sleep than days when she could properly close her eyes.

Even if she fell into a light sleep, she would always have nightmares.

On those nights when she woke up alone, Ceril felt too much loneliness.

No matter how much her rank rose and how many medals she received, it was an emptiness in her heart that couldn’t be filled.

If she had just done a little better, wouldn’t at least one person still be by her side? Such thoughts and regrets kept tormenting her heart.

It felt like she couldn’t endure it anymore.

From that time on, there was always a handgun in one corner of Ceril’s desk, inside the drawer.

In a state where only one bullet was loaded.

She was always worry about it.

It was those days.

A sleepless night, auditory hallucination of those who had left.

Ceril was getting tired.

When she came to her senses, she was in the middle of caressing the corner of her desk drawer.

She was just continuing her life with only inertia, with a heart that didn’t even know what she was thinking.

But,

A miracle came to her too.

“…..Sergeant Yu?”

“Major.”

A relationship that had been reunited by chance.

The moment she saw his appearance, she couldn’t believe it at first.

Ceril didn’t know that she was barely managing to control her expression.

It was a meeting that she really hadn’t imagined.

She still remembered it.

The helping hand that had been offered to her at the moment when she had been the most difficult (himdeul: struggled; had a hard time).

Did he know how much strength that had become?

The moment she reunited with Seo Jin after several years, Ceril came to feel a warmth that hadn’t been there before.

His existence, which had come back to her at the most difficult time, felt like nothing but destiny.

That’s why even at the house where they had ended up staying together after twists and turns, even on the days when she still couldn’t sleep, if she looked at his face lying next to her… she felt somehow relieved, and could close her eyes while forgetting the voices that were ringing in her ears for a while.

Ceril dreamed of a hope that she had forgotten.

If a colleague who had had the same experience, a friend, a person who understood her stayed by her side, she also could have regained her dulled emotions…. and felt like she could live like other people.

She had thought that much.

But…. the happiness of turning away from reality always has an end.

“I have to go now. I’m sorry.”

The back that was turning away.

It was a word that made her vision turn pure white.

Now he was trying to leave Ceril again.

Just like everyone else had done.

“No…”

Ceril reached out her hand without thinking and grabbed him.

Because she was terrified to the point where she couldn’t bear it.

If she lost even that, she would be left alone again.

That was absolutely…. something she couldn’t permit.

However, Seo Jin carefully released her grip, which was tightly grabbing his wrist.

And then completely turned around.

The moment she faced his back that was walking away step by step, Ceril unknowingly stretched out her hand below the desk. She was urgently pulling the drawer with trembling fingertips.

She grabbed the thing that had been placed inside and pointed it towards Seo Jin.

The sound of click-, made his movements freeze.

Because she knew all too well what it was.

“Don’t go.”

Ceril had caught Seo Jin like that.

Her eyes, which were shaking beyond the gun that was pointed at him, were pitifully looking at Seo Jin.

The fist that was gripping the handgun was trembling precariously.

Just like at that time in the medical room.

With a voice that had been badly hoarsened, Ceril muttered sadly.

“Please. Don’t leave me.”

Because she couldn’t hold onto him in any way. She had said that while even pointing the gun. Too desperately, so earnestly.

Seo Jin couldn’t bring himself to say anything to that deep emotion.

He hadn’t rejected or agreed with her earnest attitude, and had just……

Stopped.

Ceril said.

“I’ll, I’ll be even better to you, so just…. can’t you stay here? Huh?”

She asked with such a plaintive face.

He wanted to answer that he would do so right away to the point where it was almost unbearable.

But Seo Jin couldn’t say the words that she wanted to hear.

Because the time given to him was really not much left now.

Seo Jin was someone who was going to leave her anyway.

In some way or another.

‘So…………’

He just felt sorry.

Seo Jin quietly looked at her with a dark expression.

Whether she had read something in it, Ceril’s complexion gradually turned pale.

“Ah, aaa…….”

She had sensed it.

The fact that no matter what she offered, Seo Jin wouldn’t stay by her side.

Ceril despaired.

She was really going to be left alone now.

The warmth and hope that she had felt for a moment, were all destined to be tossed into a time where they had disappeared.

If so,

If she was just going to be alone forever-

‘Rather….’

Ceril slowly lowered the gun.

And then brought it to under her chin

Seo Jin’s eyes widened greatly.

Everything had happened in an instant.

Bang-!

Along with the sharp gunshot, the cartridge case popped up.