Chapter 19: Unasked desire.

“Thermis-nim, do you have a moment?”

“Ah. Your Highness. Come on in.”

As Ilesha lifted the dark stronghold tent, Thermis greeted her with a smile.

Inside the one-person tent prepared for the commander, candlelight illuminated softly.

Thermis seemed to hesitate for a moment whether to offer the hard chair she was sitting on, but gestured for her to sit on her bed right next to the desk.

“Your Highness? Just call me Ilesha as usual.”

“Well, I would have to when I’m on military duty as commander.”

Thermis said as she carefully put the documents she was holding on the table inside the tent.

“Now it’s a private matter. It would be right to call you Your Highness.”

“You always say such stiff things…”

“Your Highness, who says that, always calls me ‘Thermis-nim’. Whether in public or in private.”

“…Yes?”

“Isn’t that too stiff?”

Ilesha stammered a little as Thermis smiled.

“If you call me Thermis, I might call you Ilesha here.”

“No… I’m… this…”

“Besides, Your Highness’s name is ‘Iresia’, but I always shorten it to Ilesha.”

Thermis, who brought her fingertips slightly to her chin, seemed to ponder for a moment.

“Hmm… If I shorten Thermis… Temi or something…”

Then she quickly frowned as if she was disgusted with something and muttered.

“…Temi won’t work. It’s not a pet… It’s like that noisy beastkin…”

The last part was a story Ilesha couldn’t understand.

Thermis knew a lot of things.

Words that even Ilesha, who had grown up receiving thorough holistic education from the imperial family, could not understand often popped out of her mouth.

Yukomis too. How smart are both sisters?

“No, I’ll just call you Thermis-nim as I used to. I’m more comfortable with that.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Yes. Politeness is like a habit to me… and after all…”

She tried to say something more, but just changed the subject.

“It’s nothing. By the way, what were you looking at until this hour?”

“Ah. Field manual. No. Should I call it a technical document?”

“Technical document?”

“Yes.”

Thermis slightly lifted the paper she had just put on the desk.

“It’s a chart that summarizes the proportional formula of a Wyvern’s weight and runway length.”

“Isn’t that something Thermis-nim already knows?”

That was the truth.

It was something that everyone who was a Wyvern pilot, including Ilesha and Yukomis, knew first.

“That’s true. But the chart we know is quite incomplete.”

“Incomplete?”

“Yes. There’s a lot more to add here. Not only the approximate weight, but also the wing and tail length, breed, temperature and humidity, atmospheric pressure, and wind speed. Weather conditions must also be fully considered.”

Thermis, looking down at the papers, seemed a little happy.

“It hasn’t been very long since the Empire started using Wyverns as livestock. So the data needed for operation is still very immature. Until now, these variables I mentioned have been left to the intuition of the best pilot, but if we can quantify them and incorporate them into the formula, standardization will be much easier.”

“Then that paper is…?”

“Yes. For that, I had the pilots collect data with the variables as controlled as possible.”

“What do you mean by standardization?”

“Hmm, for example, before building Wyvern runways in imperial key locations, we can create blueprints and estimates that fit the purpose.”

“So this is a good thing for Your Highness too. If there is such a document, you will be able to use taxes rationally even if I am not here later.”

Ilesha did not ask why you, the eldest daughter of the Dukedom, were doing that yourself, not the male workers. She didn’t say that it was too much work to do even that.

Later.

She was more concerned about that word than those things.

‘Even if I’m not here’…

It was like she was hurrying to prepare before that time came…

Ilesha shook her head to erase the uneasy feeling.

“I’m sorry. I only talked too much.”

“No.”

She didn’t hate Thermis’s enthusiastic voice at all.

She was confident that she could listen happily even if the person in front of her talked alone for an hour.

“But what brings you here at this hour?”

“Ah, that’s… It’s really nothing. Thermis-nim seems busy, so maybe next time…”

“No. I’ll listen.”

“You really don’t have to…”

Thermis smiled playfully there.

“I’m disappointed. Don’t you want to tell me?”

“Ah, no! It’s not like that!”

“Then you’ll have to tell me.”

Thermis, who was sitting, pulled the chair slightly towards her.

Ilesha reluctantly had to start talking.

“Um, um. Then… this is not my story… but… it’s a story about someone I know.”

“Someone you know?”

“Yes. I’d appreciate it if you could listen to me like that.”

“Then I will.”

“And… that… that person doesn’t really like their story spreading around.”

Ilesha fidgeted with her clasped hands.

“Please keep it a secret…”

“Of course.”

Of course, that was never ‘someone else’s story’. Thermis wouldn’t have listened to it that way either.

But fortunately, the other party didn’t bother to question her poor excuse.

“That’s… that person, you know. What should I say… their taste… is a bit… unique.”

“Unique?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of taste is it?”

“I don’t want to say that… they don’t want to say it.”

“…?”

“But their taste is. Really. They’re a really strange person. If other people find out about that… taste, everyone will despise them and look down on them. That’s…”

She bit her lip tightly.

“It’s like it’s a socially unacceptable behavior… Everyone will think that they have abandoned their duty.”

“Hmm.”

“Th, it’s that bad of a taste.”

Thermis tilted her head a little.

“In other words, it’s a secret and unique taste that you can’t even tell me.”

“That’s right!”

She unconsciously wiggled her butt, realized she had made a mistake, and lowered her head again.

But Thermis pretended not to notice her agitation.

“Taste… That’s right. Everyone has a taste they can’t tell anyone about.”

“Does Thermis-nim… do you have something like that too?”

“Of course.”

Thermis lightly shook the materials that were on the desk again.

“These things are also very strange hobbies for ordinary nobles to see. It’s not something that the eldest daughter of a Dukedom should have.”

“…Is that a hobby? I thought you were working…”

“The two don’t always conflict.”

It was a tone as if she enjoyed fighting with those uninteresting materials.

“I can say that I’m lucky.”

But Ilesha didn’t find that comforting.

For Ilesha, revealing her secret was more shameful and humiliating than confessing murder.

Liking machines and numbers seemed like nothing compared to the secret she had.

“You said it was the story of someone you know.”

“…Yes.”

“Then can I ask Your Highness? Does Your Highness think that the taste is harmful to others?”

Her question lingered in her head.

What is it・・・

Harmful.

Maybe it’s harmful.

I’m harming them.

Because everyone has expectations of me. They want me to do what I have to do.

They want me to continue the Imperial family and the name of the Imperial family and leave an heir… If I can’t do that…

“…Yes.”

She nodded heavily as if confessing.

“……Does Your Highness also think that the taste is impure? Is it indescribably hateful?”

Her shoulders began to tremble slightly.

Yes. I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed and humiliated.

I wish I wasn’t like this.

I always think that. Why was I born like this?

Slowly, very slowly. The moment her head was about to move up and down again,

“You’re lying.”

Soft warmth wrapped around her shoulders.

“Your Highness doesn’t think that at all, does she?”

“…Ah…?”

“Your Highness. Don’t avoid my eyes and look at me.”

Thermis’s hand went up over her shoulder and gently wrapped around her cheek.

Ilesha felt like she was going to stop breathing for a moment at that touch.

“Tell me again. Is ‘that person’s taste’… impure and bad even when Your Highness looks at it?”

“I…”

“Does Your Highness also want that person to change their taste?”

It felt like tears were about to well up. Ilesha was about to turn her gaze and head away without realizing it, but

Thermis’s rough hand was firmly fixed so that she couldn’t.

Hand… It was a hand that was different from any other young lady in this world.

Rough calluses that had formed over the flesh that had burst out hundreds of times from holding sword handles and reins.

The large scars that crossed between them. Those scars that Yukomis’s magic was healing…

It wasn’t beautiful at all. It wasn’t elegant. It wasn’t ladylike.

But that hand was more reassuring to her than anyone else’s.

Ilesha, who felt that touch, closed her eyes tightly.

“…Yes…”

She felt some liquid running down from both eyes.

“Dirty… impure…”

“Really?”

“Yes…”

There was no answer for a moment on the other side of her closed eyes.

“I don’t think so. Ilesha.”

Thermis changed the way she called her.

“Ilesha. Open your eyes. Tell me while looking at me.”

“…Yes?”

Ilesha’s voice reflexively denied Thermis’s words.

“You said it was a private matter now…”

“I’m the commander. Ilesha. I’m your superior.”

Unlike the soft and relaxed voice just now,

Thermis’s voice had changed to the calm and subdued voice she used to hear during missions.

“The place and time I want is right here.”

“Ah…”

“And I don’t like subordinates lying to me.”

At those words, something eerie flowed down from her cheek, which Thermis was holding, towards the bottom.

“Tell the commander, Thermis Solenas. Is it that ‘person’s taste’, in your opinion, so disgusting and unpleasant that you can’t tolerate it?”

“Look me straight in the eyes and tell me.”

“…I…”

“Ilesha. Look at me.”

Ilesha narrowed her eyes. Then, she saw the other person in front of her, smiling gently, unlike the stern voice that was urging her.

She didn’t seem angry at all, facing her so closely that their foreheads almost touched.

“Looking at me, can you say that ‘that person’s taste’ is dirty, vulgar, unspeakable, and only causes harm to everyone? Do you really think so?”

Now it was even ridiculous to say that.

Thermis in front of her must have known from the moment Ilesha first spoke that this was her story, not anyone else’s.

But only. In order to protect her small pride, she was still calling it ‘that person’.

She was telling her every time that it was someone else.

“Do I think so too?”

“I… I…”

“If your superior, Thermis Solenas, hears about that taste, will she despise that person?”

“No…”

“I can’t hear you well.”

“I don’t think so…”

“How did I tell you to report when you’re reporting?”

“No…”

Ilesha’s chest heaved, and a few more tears burst out.

“It’s not dirty, it’s not dirty…”

“Again.”

“It’s okay… It’s all okay…”

“Do I look like I think so too?”

“Yes. Yes…”

It was like comforting a child.

“Ilesha. Taste is personal. I don’t know exactly what worries you have now. And I’ll be happy to wait until you feel like telling me. …But I know a lot of people with even stranger tastes than you think.”

It was a word that sounded somehow vague and reminiscent of a distant memory.

“Tastes that you… that you can’t even imagine in your dreams… like something caught from the garden of nightmares. Some are born from experience, but some are given from birth without even a choice. But just because you have such a taste doesn’t mean that person is a bad person.”

Thermis’s two thumbs swept across Ilesha’s tears, which had begun to flow down her cheeks uncontrollably.

“I don’t remember those people by those tastes. I remember those people by ‘whether they are good people or not’. And Ilesha…”

“…Hic… Yes.”

“You’re a good person.”

“Now. Wipe away your tears.”

Thermis took out a handkerchief from her arms and handed it to her.

“You’re someone I can rely on.”

“…Hic!”

“That’s the most important thing to you.”

The most dazzling person in this world said that.

That’s the most important thing to me.

Important…

Important…

Ilesha returned to reality, feeling that the end of the recollection was fading away vaguely.

The handkerchief that she had bitten and dropped was lying between her thighs.

“…You’ll never know…”

One corner of the handkerchief that she had bitten was still wet.

“What I was thinking while listening to your words that day…”

“…You’re wrong about one thing.”

After finishing the suppressed sob, the eyes that had lost their radiance were like those of a dead person.

“I…”

She smiled self-deprecatingly.

“Even at that moment when you were kindly comforting me…”

“Without my knowledge, the rough fingers touching my cheek, the breaths touching, the two unbuttoned shirt buttons…”

“I couldn’t help but be drawn to the beautiful neckline that was visible inside…”

“And now I can’t erase those thoughts even in your room…”

“After all, I was a dirty person.”

She was someone who wasn’t qualified to receive comfort from the beginning.

I knew it.

I believed that you would definitely say those words…

I wanted to be told that I was a good person, even though I was afraid of being blamed and cursed, and I was only telling you, not anyone else in this world…

“Did you see? I was this kind of woman.”

“…So… please tell me that you hate me now.”

There was no answer.

“Please tell me that you hate me very much…”

Now, there was no owner in that room to say those words.