Chapter 26: That Feeling

I stared at the funeral portrait for a long time, then stretched fully, feeling my whole body rattle.

Nothing gets better.

My body should be perfectly fine, but it feels like it’s rattling all over.

Should I say it feels like being lightly put into a grinder and ground up?

I looked again at the photo I received earlier, then touched my own face.

“We don’t look alike at all, what exactly was she seeing…”

The only thing identical is the red eyes.

And even those, unlike mine, are shining brightly, beautiful eyes full of life, far from withered.

Was she really projecting this cute, normal kid onto me?

I don’t know her story, nor what she went through.

The same goes for Si-hyun unni.

Aside from the fact that I was in the lab, she knows nothing about how I lived in the slums, or what kind of child Seo-jun was to me.

We know nothing about each other.

But why on earth do I feel this way just because someone like that died?

Every time I sat in school passing the time, I always felt like I was left all alone, but now, I literally have been left all alone.

Because the person in this world who cared about me the most was a strange person who knew nothing about me, who projected onto me someone I didn’t resemble at all.

“Why did you give me the photo?”

“Si-hyun asked me to pass it on to you.”

“Everything she owned.”

What she owned.

A rather menacing-looking shotgun, the pistol she carried at her waist, the rabbit mask that showed no expression, the money earned doing various dirty jobs in the back alleys.

It seemed like very little remained for a person’s entire life.

Just like me.

The person who looked so perfectly normal on the outside must have had nothing.

Was it then that I caught her eye, looking similar in age to her younger sister?

Bringing me in, washing me, feeding me, clothing me, sticking by my side even when I pushed her away – was that really the only reason?

“How did it end up like this?”

“The hideout was discovered.”

“Due to my lack of ability.”

“So, what, should I reproach you or something?”

“I’ve heard it plenty, so I doubt it’ll have much impact, but feel free if you want.”

“Follow me.”

I didn’t particularly want to say this in front of the funeral portrait.

Seeing the coffin, it felt like the thing that was once alive and moving was lying inside.

It’s surely in the mortuary room, but who knows.

Maybe it could suddenly rise up here.

With that thought, I stood up and reached for the coffin, but the middle-aged man grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

I tried to shake him off, then sighed and walked out of the funeral home.

It’s definitely no smoking, but I sat on a bench with a clear view of the lawn, crossed my legs, and stuck a cigarette in my mouth.

Then, before I could even pull out a lighter, the middle-aged man flicked his fingers and lit it for me.

I took a drag, then exhaled again.

The smoke filling my lungs didn’t hit my throat or insides; it just churned around inside for a long time before crawling out.

I smoked one cigarette, then two, and by the time enough butts littered the ground that it was annoying to count, only two remained in the pack.

I offered one to the middle-aged man, stuck the last butt in my mouth, and this time, lit it with my lighter.

“How did Si-hyun unni die?”

“Judging by the fact she passed on her belongings before dying, it seems like a rather dignified death.”

“First, her chest was deeply cut by a blade.”

“Next, her thigh was hit by something like a beam, and then her back was pierced by a thrown spear.”

“She bled out slowly and died.”

He seemed to speak calmly, but the end of his voice trembled slightly.

As if crying, or perhaps angry.

“Unfortunately, there’s no doctor to treat the world’s most terrible villain.”

“That, well.”

“It wasn’t a hunt or anything, was it?”

“Of course.”

“Because we’re not human.”

“If you’re not human, what are you?”

“People okay to kill, people who deserve to die, people who ought to die.”

“To put it simply, villains.”

“Did we also do that, carving out hearts and selling them?”

“We didn’t.”

“Anything similar?”

“Do you think I’m crazy enough to let that happen?”

“At most, we probably just sold drugs, so Si-hyun unni.”

“So what was she doing when she died?”

“Was it worth dying for?”

“She killed the person who killed the child in the photo.”

“She didn’t notice the pursuers following her, was resting at the hideout, got ambushed, managed to escape, but ended up dying anyway.”

Was saying she died due to a lack of ability meant he couldn’t even fend off the pursuers for her?

“Well, that’s a death of incredible value then.”

“She didn’t seem to think so herself.”

I didn’t answer.

Still, if the person who took care of me died, it’s much easier to accept if I think she died doing something at least a little meaningful, rather than a pointless dog’s death.

“Forget the organization.”

“If it wasn’t for Si-hyun, we wouldn’t have tried to keep you around anyway.”

“What if later, I become some great hero and come to kill you all?”

“I’d probably beg you to let us go just this once, for old times’ sake.”

“…We might have talked big at first, but we’re just riff-raff who walked out of normal society on our own.”

“Now, thanks to the attack, we have no home, no possessions, no power.”

The man says it with a slightly relieved face.

“So we all decided to just take care of ourselves.”

“Honestly, I wanted to try collapsing the National Tax Service or the National Assembly building, though.”

“It’s a shame.”

“Since we lack the power.”

“If we meet later, I’ll let you go maybe three or four times, for old times’ sake.”

Silence fell for a long time.

Neither of us could find the next words.

Maybe we didn’t really want to bring it up.

The man started walking somewhere with his limping gait, then suddenly, as if remembering something, turned his head and called out loudly.

“Before she died, she asked to be remembered.”

“It’s okay if you forget, but if possible, strongly, for a few years.”

Even if he hadn’t said it, I feel like I’ll remember her very well.

Feeling tired, I smiled faintly and shook my head.

I don’t particularly want to cry.

The times I cried were always when I was dragged out of the lab and had iron needles stuck in my head, when I underwent durability tests, when the drugs ran out.

Shouldn’t I send her off with a smile?

Time passed, and when night fell, the middle-aged man approached me as I still sat on the bench, staring blankly into the air.

He put me in the car and dropped me off in front of the school.

Then he got out of the car, walked to the trunk, and took out a large bag.

I have a rough idea of what’s inside.

Without a word, I took the bag and bowed my head slightly to express my gratitude.

The man patted my head and said it would be best if we didn’t run into each other if possible.

Unfortunately, I had no intention of doing that.

If we do similar work in the same neighborhood, we’ll eventually meet.

As thanks for bringing the bag, I could probably help him blow up a building or two.

It’s just a world of text blocks anyway.

Everything is just letters, letters, letters.

Talking letters, strong letters, desperate letters, happy letters, righteous letters, letters in love, letters enjoying the world, letters floating in the sky, letters forming buildings, letters, letters, letters.

Among them, a letter that thought of me just disappeared.

Even if I don’t like the remaining text and want to erase it with an eraser or roughly cross it out with a red pen, that would surely be my own arbitrary decision.

It’s just that kind of feeling.

Just a feeling.

A feeling.

When thoughts are completely solidified and willpower is stuck at rock bottom, the only thing that moves the body is that kind of sensation.

I slung the bag over my shoulder and looked at the moon.

I feel somewhat tired.

I didn’t even feel like the round moon was mocking me.

“You too, looks like you went somewhere.”

Just then, I heard a familiar voice.

Turning my head, I saw a familiar face.

‘Why haven’t you come looking for me even once, while running around everywhere so diligently?’

‘Not just me, but the places where people needed you.’

‘With her tragic story of losing her younger sister, pitiful, and even pretty, why didn’t the great protagonist save Si-hyun unni?’

‘Then again, I just left her alone and never helped either.’

“Yeah, I went somewhere.”

“You?”

“To my hometown.”

“Why your hometown?”

“There was someone I needed to meet.”

Were we close enough to talk like this?

Or did we become friends fighting villains or something?

‘That was just… something dirty rather than a villain.’

“Did you meet them?”

“…No.”

“There’s no way you could meet them.”

“What nonsense are you spouting now?”

“No, just, well.”

“I also had someone I needed to meet, but couldn’t.”

“Who?”

“Not family, not a friend.”

“Someone you don’t need to worry about.”

“I wanted to see their face after a long time, but they were dead.”

“…That’s unfortunate.”

“Right, it’s unfortunate.”

“I think so too.”

Standing side-by-side with Seo-jun, we passed through the main gate, and they didn’t even check what was in the bag I was holding.

Well, her face is probably plastered everywhere already.

As the hero who saved the school.

“Hey, just saying.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s just hypothetical.”

“A thought suddenly occurred to me.”

“What do you think it would feel like if everything I had, things I thought were mine alone, the people around me, things I cherished, people who cared about me.”

“If all of those things gradually disappeared, leaving only me behind?”

“…I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either.”

What I want to do.

What I’m saying right now.

What I will end up doing.

“Hey, Seo-jun.”

“…Were we close enough to call each other by name so familiarly?”

“Yeah, we were.”

Who I want to spend time with and how.

How to treat people.

Or maybe just living by feeling is okay too.

Spontaneously.

If you don’t think, it doesn’t hurt.

“Just kidding.”

Only a suspicious gaze returned.

As if she knows yet doesn’t know, acting like she knows without fully understanding.

All I returned was a smile.