Chapter 3 : I’m so depressed

People say drugs are dangerous, something to be avoided at all costs. That they’re more dangerous than anything else in the world.

But how could something like drugs be more dangerous than dynamite or bombs, which are dozens of times more destructive?

I didn’t know before I tried them.

Now I know.
Better than anyone.

The true terror of drugs isn’t the inability to function normally or the escape from reality through pleasure, as they say.
It’s the extreme unhappiness they cause when you don’t have them.

In exchange for causeless happiness,
They bring about inexplicable unhappiness, with interest. That’s what drugs are.

Through a completely different path than bombs, drugs drag you down to hell.

Having experienced death once, I can say it’s a pain and misery worse than dying.

So, what I’m trying to say is,

I’m incredibly unhappy right now.

I feel terrible.

So much so that I want to strangle yesterday’s version of myself, the one who clung to Nadia after getting the medicine, showering her with genuine affection and every bit of coquettishness I could muster.

The medicine really works.
Why did I act like that? That crazy doctor.

Anyway, I was in such a foul mood today that I’d bite anyone who touched me.
Luckily, I was friendless and sat in the back corner of the classroom by the window, so no one bothered me.

After enduring all my classes, I ran into her on my way back to the dorm.

Or rather, she came looking for me.

“Tanya!”

My nickname.

Short for Titania.

Only one person in this academy was familiar enough to use it.

I turned around, and there she was, just as I’d expected.

The academy’s protagonist.

“Miss Lucia.”
“Oh, come on. Not ‘Miss.’”
“…”
“Tanya.”

Her voice, saying my nickname, sounded so sweet.

Probably due to her naturally melodious tone.

Whether I hesitated or not,
Lucia chattered on like a songbird.

“Isn’t it unfair?”
“What is?”
“I call you Tanya, but you call me Miss Lucia.”

It had only been a month since I entered the academy.

And I wasn’t sociable enough to make friends in just a month.

Who would readily approach and greet a gloomy, unhappy girl like me, radiating a depressing aura?

She did.

This girl.

Since then, Lucia would occasionally seek me out for conversations.

But that’s beside the point.

“Then call me Titania.”
“That’s unfair to me!”
“Is it?”
“Come on, say Lucia. Or Lucy, even better.”
“…”

This girl, with her strange mental circuits, had a knack for making me flustered. Sometimes. Often. Always.

She was stubborn as a mule and would harp on this topic all day unless I gave in.

I had to change the subject.

“So, what brings you here?”
“Oh, right. I’m so forgetful. Tanya, are you okay?”

Okay? About what?

My question remained unspoken as Lucia stepped closer, closing the distance between us.

Too close.
If she got any closer, we’d definitely touch, so
I took a step back.

“Karen took you somewhere yesterday.”
“She did.”
“Yeah, Karen looked really angry, and when I asked her about it, she wouldn’t tell me… and you didn’t come back. I was wondering if something happened between you two.”
“Hmm.”
“So I wanted to ask you, but you seemed really down all day. I couldn’t find the right time to ask.”

So, she’d been watching me all day?

But I hadn’t noticed her gaze at all.

Just polite small talk, probably.

Quite skilled at lying with that innocent face.

“Don’t worry about it.”
“How can I not!”

I replied coldly, but Lucia, either oblivious or thick-skinned, ignored my tone.

“If you fought, there must be a misunderstanding. Karen is kind, and Tanya is good, so…”
“…”

One of the endearing things about this girl was,
She knew she was being nosy.

But she just couldn’t stand seeing people fight, could she?

Was there any other word to describe it but kind?

It wasn’t some selfish concern about being inconvenienced by discord.
She genuinely worried about Karen and me.

Yes, this was what endearing meant.

And it made me realize once more,
How different I was from her.

“Tanya? Tanya, are you listening?”
“Ah.”

Her bright, cherry-blossom eyes met mine,
And I quickly looked away.

“Where were we?”
“Let’s go see Karen!”

What the hell?
Kudos to my mouth and throat for not blurting out what I was thinking.

“We need to clear up the misunderstanding!”

Before I could hesitate, Lucia grabbed my hand and started to pull me along.

The scent of cherry blossoms, emanating from her as we stood so close, filled my nostrils.
And I felt pain.

“Ouch.”

Why was everyone so eager to drag me around today?

And grabbing my wrist, no less.

“Tanya, this…”

Lucia’s eyes widened.
They focused on my bleeding wrist.

The fresh cuts from this morning, oozing blood, demanded attention.

My wrists, mangled to soothe the aftereffects of last night’s medicine and the ever-present cold, were clearly not normal.

I hadn’t wanted her to see them.

I instinctively swatted her hand away.

Lucia, the culprit who’d reopened my barely healed wounds, stared at me, dumbfounded.

If it had been Karen or anyone else from class, I would have told them to mind their own business and walked away.

But I was weak, too weak, against this pink-haired girl.

I didn’t want to be hated by someone so pretty and radiant. That’s how I felt.

Ah, what excuse could I give?

But then, I had to admit I’d underestimated Lucia, or rather, her naiveté.

“Did Karen do this?”
“?”

How could she possibly jump to that conclusion?

The second daughter of the Pesillid Dukedom, a noble knight, wouldn’t do something like this to a fellow student.

This was far worse than a slap in the face.

While I was momentarily speechless, Lucia’s imagination soared.

Muttering to herself, “That’s impossible, why would Karen…,” she looked at me with slightly clouded eyes.

“This won’t do. I’ll go talk to Karen and settle this.”

Settle what?

I was dumbfounded.

Surrounded by sane, bright people, she couldn’t comprehend what this meant, where it stemmed from, no matter how many times I explained it.

If I said, “Karen did this,” showing my other arm, all she’d see were the numerous needle marks from years of drug use, alongside the bruised and battered arm. That wouldn’t help my case.

How could I possibly explain this?

“I cut myself with a knife while cooking.”

A ten-year-old wouldn’t believe that excuse.

But Lucia was more naive than a ten-year-old.

“Really?”
“Maybe…?”
“Phew, I thought Karen did that.”
“…”

Was she naive, or just plain stupid?

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Wow, Tanya, you laughed. For the first time!”
“Huh?”
“You’re so pretty…”
“…”
“Laugh again. I’ll… I’ll go get the camera”

Was this some kind of elaborate ruse? She was far prettier than me.

In this academy full of beautiful people, if there were a beauty ranking, I was certain Lucia would win by a landslide. Her compliment didn’t quite register.

Or was this that legendary “girl talk” I’d only heard of?

The vicious kind where you shower each other with compliments, or else you’re deemed socially inept and ostracized.

This was exhausting.
Conversation was so difficult.

After ten minutes of meaningless chatter,
Lucia said she had another appointment and pulled something out of her bag.

“Tanya, this is for you.”

She handed me a small bag of cookies.
Clearly homemade.

She must have put a lot of effort into them.

“Karen, Victoria, Jasmine, and I made them together.”

All pretty girls.

“Want to try one?”

I was already planning on it.
Having skipped meals, I was starving.

“!”

Delicious.

Shouldn’t a clumsy character like Lucia be terrible at cooking?

This was cheating.

Lucia watched me devour the cookies with a satisfied smile, then said goodbye, saying she really had to go now.

“See you later, Tanya!”

She was impossibly kind and pretty.

I wish everyone in the world was like her.

My fondness for her growing, I hurried home.

“Ughhhhhhh——”

The moment I arrived home,
The nausea that had been building up overwhelmed me, and I ran to the bathroom.

I don’t know how much I threw up.
As I realized the undigested cookie pieces were coming back up with stomach acid,
I became depressed again.

Ah.
So f*cking depressing.