Chapter 30: Trees Dont Dream

Even as I put the chocolate Heo Jintae gave me in my mouth and let it melt, my gloominess didn’t leave.

I don’t know if it’s depression, fear, or emptiness, but the reason why I don’t feel better even after eating chocolate is because the amount of serotonin produced by consuming sugar is not enough to accommodate my mental pain.

Still, thanks to that, the chilling cold seemed to have subsided a little.

Heo Jintae sat down in the empty seat next to me and asked.

“Did something happen?”

In this situation, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

I know from experience that getting counseling from others brings back greater pain than solving it.

For example, when I started being bullied, I asked the teacher for help, but they made me shake hands with the child and make up.

For example, while working part-time at a PC cafe, I asked about the wage difference with the female counter staff and was fired after being subjected to all kinds of personal attacks.

And so on.

Like this, I’ve been solving my grudges alone.

But this time it was a little different.

Someone came up to me first and asked me about my worries.

It’s not an adult who always betrays me when I have expectations.

He’s just a 13-year-old boy.

The chocolate in my mouth has completely melted away, and I was inadvertently speaking the words inside me.

“…How can I prove that I am truly me?”

After saying that, I realized that it was too difficult a question for the listener. I was about to cancel my words when I saw his slightly embarrassed face.

“No, please forget-“

“Isn’t the fact that you’re thinking like that saying that you exist?”

I think, therefore I am.

“Are you Descartes?”

“Who’s that?”

“It’s nothing.”

It’s a famous quote, so he might have just said it casually.

But for some reason, my words didn’t stop there.

“When my body feels like it’s not mine and only non-existent memories feel real. How can I say that I existed in this world?”

“I don’t know much about difficult things….”

“Just tell me what you think.”

Heo Jintae thought deeply and barely gave an answer.

“Then wouldn’t that just be yourself?”

“Is that so?”

“A movie I saw before had a similar story. A person has 23 personalities, and the 24th personality kidnaps people.

The content was difficult, so I couldn’t understand it well, but then, even if the body is different, isn’t the person who has the mind their own self?”

The proof of my existence consists of two things.

Objective and subjective.

Objective information written on the birth certificate.

Subjective information created by generating a personality while growing up.

If existence is proved only by objective information in the world, can a person with multiple personalities not be called a human?

Is a person with amnesia who has no previous memories a false self?

No.

“Even if there are multiple personalities, what they want and desire is all different depending on the personality. Their dreams for the future are completely different.”

“Dream…, is it?”

“Yes, dream. I think the most important thing a person can show in saying who they are is their dream. It’s the end point of what that person wants and desires.

That means that the person themselves is thinking while desiring and hoping. So, that itself can prove yourself.”

「Trees don’t dream.」

Because trees do their best every moment, and every moment is a decisive moment.

Then I-

Was I a tree?

“Come to think of it, you said earlier that you don’t have a dream job. What’s your dream?”

What I want.

What I desire.

What I’m heading towards.

What I look up to.

That’s-

“My dream is…….”

When I hung a 3-month time bomb on my heart.

Some huge, transcendent being seemed to be looking at me and laughing, saying, ‘It’s all in vain.’

And I returned to the past without knowing why and became a girl, and I was busy living each day to shake off my fear.

Then am I a tree?

No.

I have a dream.

It was the dream that 22-year-old Seo Joyeon had, and the goal that 13-year-old Seo Sua had hidden.

I had a dream.

I am not a tree.

When I returned to the studio, I immediately contacted everyone I knew.

There weren’t many people I knew, but I called each of them and asked them about their dreams or future plans.

First, Osorin.

-Hmm, I guess I’ll start by reaching 100,000 subscribers?

And I hope the average number of viewers on the live broadcast exceeds 3,000. A big dream for the future? Of course, I want to become a super big company broadcaster and appear on TV,

and I want to establish an MCN company.

Jina.

-A dream…. When I was young, I wanted to be a singer. Now it’s more of a goal than a dream. First of all, I want to get a YouTube Gold Play Button and travel around the world while filming vlogs.

Did Sorin say she wanted to establish an MCN? Hmm, should I try it too?

Bom.

-Of course, my goal is to become a Hollywood actor. Well, of course, I can’t even speak English properly yet, and I need to build up my acting skills in Korea.

To be honest, I used to feel like I wanted to prove myself only with acting as an actor, but these days, I think it would be okay to do other things too. There are senior actors who are Hollywood actors but still appear on variety shows.

Song Jagka.

-That’s right, a dream… I’m pretty much accomplished. When I was young, my dream was to become a writer for a broadcasting station. But if I have something I want now….

I want to try a field I haven’t tried before. For example, a drama writer.

Seo Yebin.

-Oh, um. Oh, hi…. D-Dream? Well, I haven’t decided yet…. Ah, but I’ve been having fun writing lately. What you told me about.

As you said, I started with a diary at first, but as I watched the kids, I started to think of things I wanted to write about. Of course, it’s a mess, so I can’t show it to anyone……. I want to show it to someone someday.

Heo Jintae.

-Idol! I’m going to be the best idol in Korea! I’m living with my aunt and grandmother, and they both love watching TV. Wouldn’t it be cool if I appeared on TV, dancing and singing?

My grandmother watches trot more than idols though……. If her grandson appeared on TV, she’d be happy!

Each thought.

Each goal.

Each dream.

Everyone has something they want and a place they’re heading towards.

And I have such a thing.

The reason I started editing.

To discover and refine hidden gems and reveal their value.

To make people smile.

I want happiness.

Broadcasting is fun.

I like to spread that to someone and share the fun.

Making someone happy.

That is my happiness.

That is my dream.

That was the reason I started editing.

‘Having a dream itself is my proof.’

It was somehow a messy logic.

But it’s a sentence that touches my heart.

I exist even if no one proves me.

I just realized that.

While I was chuckling, Osorin, who was on the phone, asked curiously.

-But why are you suddenly asking about dreams? Oh, right. You said you started school now? Did you do a career survey at school?

“Well, something like that.”

-Wow, I miss that. When I was in elementary school, if I had to write down my future dream, the boys would say president and the girls would say idol. These days, they say YouTuber or professional gamer, right?

“Because the media has been making a lot of noise about how much money they make.”

-Kids are becoming so materialistic….

“Money is the best. Give me my salary, boss.”

Strictly speaking, it’s because there have been continuous controversies in the political and entertainment world, but it’s not wrong to say it’s because of money.

-So, Sua, have you decided on your dream?

“Yes, I have.”

-Oh~ It’s difficult to decide on a dream at that age. What is it?

“It’s hard to say exactly. It’s a bit vague.”

-Really? But do you have a direction?

“Of course. I know how to move forward.”

-Then that’s enough. If you follow that, you’ll eventually get a clear substance.

For some reason, she gave me adult-like words of wisdom.

“Then, will you help me pursue my dream?”

-Of course. Sua is helping me with my dream, right? If I don’t help, who will!

“Thank you.”

And I definitely got a promise.

I opened my mouth with a smirk.

“My dream is for people who watch my videos to be happy. To be precise, my dream is to see people who feel happy watching something I made.”

-It’s definitely vague. So that’s why you’re editing?

“That’s right. And just now, Sorin said you would help me with my dream, so I’d like to get some help right away.”

-Of course. What should I do?

“It’s simple.”

This is a way to approach Osorin’s dream and at the same time fulfill my dream.

In other words, content that can grow Osorin’s broadcast and make my videos more fun.

“Let’s do a horror game soon.”

-Eh.

“You know that horror game broadcasts are very good for attracting new viewers, right?”

“I think a lot of people would really like it if I made a video with a horror game broadcast….”

“You wouldn’t say you won’t do it when you promised, would you?”

A moment of silence.

And a little moan came through the speaker.

Soon after, Osorin opened her mouth.

·Okay.

Yes.

That’s it.

I’m finally making her play a horror game.