Chapter 31 : I want to be a man

The creak of the classroom door.

I exhaled, trying to catch my breath.
I’d run all the way from Karen’s house.

My chronically out-of-shape body couldn’t handle even a short sprint.

As I gasped for air,
The elderly professor, about to start the lecture, noticed us and admonished us.

“Try to be on time.”
“We’re sorry.”
“Karen, this isn’t like you.”
“…”

The professor seemed surprised that the usually punctual Karen was late, but didn’t pry further.

He looked at me, about to say something, but
Karen quickly stepped in front of me, blocking me from the professor’s view.

Not that it would hide me.

She wasn’t trying to protect me. She was probably just
Taking responsibility for our tardiness.

Yes,
It was her fault.
We shouldn’t have been this late.

Despite my insistence that I didn’t remember anything from last night,
Karen had persistently questioned me.

She’d pinned me against the wall, her gaze intense, demanding I remember,
Threatening me, her hand hovering near my throat,
And finally, tracing my lips with her finger.

“…”

What was she thinking?

Was she seeking revenge?
Or did she simply enjoy tormenting me?

I had no right to complain. It was my fault, my karma, for not being able to let go of her, even after deciding to say goodbye.

Thankfully, the professor didn’t say anything to me, thanks to Karen.

But I felt a
Burning gaze on me.

Lucia, her chin resting on her hand, was staring at me.

Her gaze was so intense, it felt more like heat than a glare.

And I realized I hadn’t
Told her where I’d been.

As I looked at Lucia, my mouth slightly agape,
She smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners.

…

I’d completely forgotten about Lucia.

It was understandable, given the circumstances.

I couldn’t, in good conscience, return to Lucia’s house reeking of alcohol. My decision to stay elsewhere had been the right one. Being dragged to Karen’s had been unexpected.

…But those thoughts didn’t alleviate my guilt.

While I didn’t think I was anything special to Lucia,
We weren’t strangers either.

But my guilt wasn’t about our relationship.

It was simply that
She was so kind. I couldn’t help but worry.

Lucia must have waited for me. She’d
Done it before.

Since when?
And for how long?

After class,
Lucia approached me immediately.

“That was mean, Tanya.”
“…”
“I was so worried… I thought something had happened…”

Dark circles ringed Lucia’s eyes. She
Must have stayed up all night.

And yet, there wasn’t a trace of resentment in her voice, which made me feel even worse.

“I’m sorry. I…”
“Were you with Karen?”

She’d interrupted me. That wasn’t like her.
Her words felt sharp, like a knife.

Speechless,
I nodded.

Lucia’s smile widened.

“All night?”
“…”

I didn’t answer, but
She didn’t press further, as if she hadn’t expected a response.

And then, she stepped closer,
Leaning her head against my chest.

She sniffed my clothes, then said,

“I see.”
“Um…”
“I’m just glad you’re okay, Tanya. I was really worried… I thought something bad had happened…”
“Nothing bad… happened.”
“Then what?”
“Huh?”
“Why didn’t you come home?”
“Well…”
“Did you… want to be with Karen?”

That was absurd.

If that were the case, Karen wouldn’t have let me leave.

I hesitated, then decided to tell her the truth.

She looked like she’d been waiting for me all night. I couldn’t
Not explain myself after she’d been so worried.

“I…”
“Yes?”
“I drank… a little too much.”
“…Excuse me?”

Confusion clouded her pink eyes, her eyelids fluttering. Lucia
Seemed surprised.

“You shouldn’t be drinking.”
“…”

I was speechless.
She was right.

Given my age and status as an academy student, I
Shouldn’t be drinking.

“Just how much did you drink?”

I’d told her.
A little too much.

“Were you… drinking with Karen…?”

I shook my head.

Lucia seemed relieved, then her expression darkened again.

“So you were with Karen last night… drunk.”
“Well…”
“Hmph…”

Was she sulking?

I felt uneasy.

Not just because she was upset, but because of the implication.

It was a ridiculous thought, but
She was acting like a lover questioning a cheating partner.

…Why?

I wasn’t cheating, and
We weren’t lovers.

As I looked at her, puzzled, a flicker of sadness crossed Lucia’s face.

I felt like I’d made a mistake.

“What’s the reason?”
“Huh?”
“I… I just felt like drinking…”
“So it wasn’t a mistake. And it’s not like it’s the first time.”

She was right. I nodded again, wondering
Why I was being so cautious.

“Tanya.”
“Yes?”
“What does… ‘feeling like drinking’ mean?”
“…I don’t know.”
“Really? You just… feel like it?”
“Yes.”
“Then… drink with me next time.”

Why did she jump to that conclusion?
I was baffled.

…
…
…

Lucia didn’t leave my side.

She was worried I’d disappear again and not come home all night.

We ended up grocery shopping together, and
As we passed the alcohol aisle, she said,

“Tanya, are you feeling like drinking today?”
“No.”
“Should we get a few bottles anyway? You never know.”
“…Whatever.”

So we bought a few bottles of wine.

Back at her place, she suddenly asked,

“Want to shower together?”
“Huh?”

I stared at her, dumbfounded, and
She giggled, explaining herself.

“What if you disappear while I’m showering?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Really?”
“…Yes.”

I was already home, and I wasn’t feeling particularly restless, so I wouldn’t disappear.

I didn’t understand
Why she was so worried.

It would be more convenient for her if I left. She wouldn’t have to
Make me meals, wake me up, or draw my bath.

Her behavior was strange.

Why was she so anxious after I’d only spent one night elsewhere?

Her anxiety peaked when we went to bed that night.

“…Lucia.”
“Yes?”
“Could you… move a little?”
“No.”

She nestled her leg between my thighs and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close.

While her nighttime cuddles had become routine, this
Was different.

She was practically on top of me, her weight pressing down, as if
Trying to smother me.

Was she planning on sleeping like this? Or
Was she just trying to tease me?

“Lucia?”

This was a bit much.

Anyone seeing us would think we were doing something… inappropriate.

“You’re so pretty, Tanya.”
“…”
“So, so pretty…”

Her pink lips brushed against my ear as she whispered.

I should have stopped her, but I couldn’t. A strange feeling
Washed over me.

I wanted to scold her. Did she even realize how seductive she was being?

Her flushed cheeks, her hot breath on my ear, her body pressed against mine…

My self-control was waning.

It wasn’t simply lust, but
A desire to corrupt her innocence, her purity.

“Lucia, stop…”
“No.”

Lucia seemed determined.

I couldn’t push her away.

She smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners, then pressed her body against mine.

“Wait, mm…”

Why was she blowing on my ear?

“Are you going to do that again, Tanya…?”

Don’t talk so close to my ear.

It was too sensitive, and my mind was starting to feel fuzzy.

I felt my desire growing, fueled by her beauty, her unguardedness. My darker impulses urged me to punish her, to shatter her innocence. You warned her, and she didn’t listen.

…But I couldn’t.

It was sacrilegious.
The thought of violating Lucia…

I had to stop her before she completely broke down my defenses.

“Don’t, please… no…”
“Yay…”

I’d told her no, clearly expressed my refusal, so why was she
Pressing closer?

I felt a strange sensation every time our skin touched, and then
I realized

My concerns were one-sided.

For Lucia, there was nothing wrong with physical intimacy between women. She probably didn’t feel the same way I did, which was why she was so unguarded.

Because we were both women.
That was the problem.

I managed to push her away and said,

“Lucia.”
“Yes?”
“I’m… a man.”

It was an impulsive confession, a secret
I’d never told anyone.

It was a strange thing to say, a lie, really.

But how could I let her continue, thinking I was just a friend?

Or maybe I wanted to tease her, to scold her. Do you even realize what you’re doing?

My words were contradictory. I was physically female, so claiming to be male was absurd.

But that was my point. I wasn’t a woman, not entirely. What she was doing wasn’t just friendly affection between girls.
So she needed to stop.

But Lucia’s reaction was strange.

Her face flushed crimson, even in the darkness, and
She blinked rapidly, her wide eyes filled with confusion.

“Tanya, do you… prefer to be on top…?”
“Huh?”
“Oh, I don’t… mind either way, but… I was just thinking… since you’re…”
“…Lucia?”
“Yes… now that I think about it, I do mind. No, I’ll be the man. Okay…?”

What was she talking about…?