Chapter 37: The Imprint of the Past

The entrance was dim. The main door blocked the cold autumn wind outside, and in the silence of the room, there was only the intertwining of lips, teeth, and breath.

Patience seemed to have left its mark along the way, from downstairs, to the elevator, and finally, stepping through the main door.

But her kiss was reserved and gentle, landing on the space between her eyebrows, on her cheek, on her lips.

Finally, Jiang Yanlin heard her breath on the side of her neck, leaking out the only bit of heat.

“Is this okay?”

She asked softly, her arms full of warmth.

Jiang Yanlin’s way of responding was to stand before her, obediently letting her undo every button.

The awkwardness was not much different from what she had expected, but it also easily pleased Jiang Yanlin.

“Qining.”

She bit her ear, her hands wrapped around her neck, and whispered,
“Come in.”

The breath of the person in her arms missed a beat. Those fair, slender fingers paused on her skin for the first time. The knuckles that were so skilled at holding a bow were not so skilled at taking and possessing.

“Jiang Yanlin, do you like me?”

She gently caressed every inch of the softness that was unfolding before her. Her light brown eyes, under the moonlight of the night, shimmered with a beautiful glow.

Jiang Yanlin lowered her head, burying it in the crook of her shoulder. A moment later, she answered with a very soft “hmm.”

Qining laughed, her kisses landing on her shoulder, and then she asked again,
“Since when?”

Jiang Yanlin was slow to answer, but she was very patient, her fingertips pressing lightly, turning, and沾染了 warm wetness.

“Tell me.”

Qining gently moved down, then stopped at a place that was neither deep nor shallow, her gentle voice echoing in her ear.

Jiang Yanlin couldn’t help but clutch her hair. The slightly curled texture, her unique scent, had already enveloped her.

Every inch of her was drowning in that scent, unbearably.

So she reached out and took Qining’s hand, pushing with her own strength until it was completely submerged in the deep abyss.

Qining let out a soft laugh. “How cunning.”

But she didn’t ask any more, slowly taking control along Jiang Yanlin’s curves, until she had regained the upper hand.

At first, she was clumsy, but she quickly learned to learn from one and infer the other three. In the end, even Jiang Yanlin’s breaths couldn’t stop her.

And yet she would kiss Jiang Yanlin’s lips again and again, saying,
“Jiang Yanlin, you’re so cute.”

In that chaotic season, the long dark nights and the approaching winter oppressed everyone who could not breathe freely.

The lockdown soon spread to Jiang Yanlin’s apartment, and Qining was also unable to leave.

But she didn’t seem to want to leave that much either.

When she came, she had brought nothing. The two of them had to share everything. Soon, her hair and body smelled the same as Jiang Yanlin’s.

During the day, Jiang Yanlin worked at her computer, and she would use her laptop next to her to handle trivial matters, check work emails, and reply to messages from her family.

At night, the two of them would make a simple dinner together, clean up together, wash up together, and finally get into bed together, their bodies close, whispering secrets that should not be heard by anyone.

In the countless days and nights that followed, for the first time, Jiang Yanlin felt that the increasingly cold weather was not so unbearable after all.

She had plenty of time to do her own work and could also calmly call her family to check on the situation there.

Her friends had found ways to send Jiang Yanlin medicine and instant food. Even if they didn’t go out for half a month, they wouldn’t starve.

And Qining, trapped there, would report to her family every day, and remotely follow up on the progress of the negotiations with the lawyer.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t know when the lockdown would be lifted. She was not optimistic about it, but she also didn’t impose those emotions on Qining.

The person who had taken a long leave to return to the country to deal with important matters didn’t seem to be in a hurry either, just squeezing into this small apartment with her every day, living a plain and slow life of three meals a day.

Sometimes, when Jiang Yanlin was wearing headphones and dealing with those trivial tasks, Qining would have a video call with her family in front of the floor-to-ceiling window, sharing the bits and pieces of her recent life.

Qining’s mother didn’t know why she had gone out, nor did she ask too much, just telling her to pay attention to safety and be careful with everything.

At times like these, Jiang Yanlin’s hand on the mouse would pause, and her thoughts would drift far away from the computer screen.

Qining always seemed to be able to sense some of her worries. She would hug her from behind after dinner and whisper,
“Don’t worry. My mom is a very open-minded person. She doesn’t care if my lover is a man or a woman, what race or nationality. Besides, you’re so outstanding, so likable.”

Jiang Yanlin put down her water glass. A moment later, she said,
“You didn’t have to walk this path.”

Qining thought her words were foolish.

“What path should I take? Even I’m not sure. Don’t you think?”

She took Jiang Yanlin’s hand, and they met.

“You always seem to be worried about something. Tell me, what can I do to make you stop worrying?”

Jiang Yanlin didn’t understand either. She just…
“Every morning when I wake up, I have this illusion that everything that’s happening now is a dream.”
…she whispered,
“Sometimes when I see you, my first reaction is still, that’s my friend Qining.”

This kind of development was a bit too far beyond Jiang Yanlin’s imagination. Even after so many days, she would still occasionally pull away and look at these wonderful changes from a calm to the point of cold-blooded perspective.

This is Qining.

It’s really Qining.

It’s the performer Qining, who I saw at a glance in a park in a foreign country.

And it’s also her ordinary friend Qining, who she had kept in touch with over many days through a few common hobbies and topics.

Now, she had to discard all her ingrained thinking and accept a brand-new identity.
—Her lover, Qining.

Living together every day, sharing the smallest bits of life, kissing and hugging, and having a relationship where they could go to bed together.

Could it really be that kind of relationship?
Could it really be wasted like that?

In the end, Jiang Yanlin didn’t get an answer either.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle kiss. The dining table was scattered with too many fragments, clothes, hair, and clasped fingers.

Qining was always very gentle, but she liked to say to her again and again,
“Jiang Yanlin, don’t hold back. I like to hear it.”

She would coax her with extreme patience, using words and actions to guide her, making Jiang Yanlin willingly open everything up, revealing every inch of her, inside and out.

And after that, she would kiss the corner of Jiang Yanlin’s lips and say with a light laugh,
“It’s so much better than the recording.”

Jiang Yanlin never made a sound when she was doing it.

She was always restrained. Only the suppressed breaths and broken sounds would leak out at certain moments.

Qining was inevitably curious. Jiang Yanlin thought about it and simply gave her the recordings of her testing the toys, satisfying her curiosity.

After listening, Qining finally understood why.

“Don’t let anyone listen.”

She rarely made such a decisive request.

Jiang Yanlin had no intention of letting anyone listen to begin with.

Because she also knew what level of damage that thing had.

But every time they did it after that, Qining couldn’t help but want her to make a sound.

For this, she had enough patience, spending a long time and energy, patiently guiding her to achieve her goal.

This was repeated over and over, and Jiang Yanlin also got used to her rhythm and pleasure points. So the colder the weather, the more energy the person who didn’t want to leave the bed had, and the more she could savor her over and over.

During that time, Jiang Yanlin herself didn’t realize that she had almost satisfied all of Qining’s needs.

Every time, she would do her best, as if it were the last time.

But Jiang Yanlin had never thought that what Qining wanted was far more than these brief pleasures.

In late autumn, people all over the country already understood that this year would probably be another year when they couldn’t go home for a reunion.

Qining’s sister was still studying alone in Boston. The occasional call was to ask Qining for living expenses.

“I went to Boston in high school. She only came after I graduated from university. We have a nearly ten-year age gap. Sometimes she’s not afraid of my dad or my mom, only me.”

Qining hung up the phone and started talking about the trivial things she wouldn’t normally tell anyone.

The two of them were boiling a pot of milk tea, each holding a mug to warm their hands.

When she talked about her sister, Qining also rarely sighed.

“At her age, she’s easily influenced by her surroundings. There are too many rich second-generation kids at school, driving sports cars and wearing brand names. She wants them too. Last night she asked my mom to buy her a Cayenne.”

She said, paused, and then continued,
“My dad can’t fly. He hasn’t been able to go to the US to see her these past few years. I’m usually very busy. Except when my mom is on vacation and can look after her, I’m helpless at other times. By the time I realized it, she had already become like that.”

Jiang Yanlin felt that it hadn’t reached a very bad point yet.

“At what age do you do what? She has the right to cause trouble and be willful now, and in the future, she will permanently lose that right. I believe that with a sister like you, she must know her limits.”

Qining thought for a moment and said,
“I don’t think I ever realized that point, because I was studying abroad alone back then, and the margin for error was too small.”

So she dared not be willful, nor did she like to be willful.

Perhaps the most impulsive thing she had ever done was to drive for three hours that night, all the way here.

Jiang Yanlin had seen her YouTube account. Besides posting promotions for concerts, she would also post some modeling tutorials.

Even earlier, she had also posted one or two food tutorials, many years ago when she was still living alone abroad.

Qining actually took good care of herself. Although she had that kind of background, her life skills were not lacking. She also had a heart that loved life and had learned to study her hobbies in the dull daily life.

When they were still friends, Jiang Yanlin had asked her for advice on how to grill the best steak and how to de-stink and marinate chicken wings to get the most flavorful taste.

And now, they could finally make dinner together, and lunch, and breakfast.

But beyond those peaceful and beautiful moments, Jiang Yanlin was also always aware of the hidden cold wind and the situation.

One day, Qining took a very long international call. Jiang Yanlin didn’t listen, but the apartment was very small, and there was no barrier between the bedroom and the living room. Fragments of words still reached her ears.

Qining had taken leave for too long. The matter she had to deal with had made no progress. If she didn’t go back next month, she would miss the orchestra’s tour in Munich.

She had been in the industry for a long time, but her seniority in the international orchestra was not very deep, and she had not yet been able to get the position of concertmaster.

Asians always have a hard time in the international art world. Not everyone is Lang Lang, and many people can’t even leave their names on the screen.

Jiang Yanlin knew that Qining had been working hard towards that goal.

She wanted to stand on a higher stage, to let all those who love music hear every piece she had written.

Every person with a dream should not be stopped by any external factors.

One night later, Jiang Yanlin made Qining’s favorite grilled steak.

First, it was wrapped in a plastic bag and slow-cooked in warm water. She needed to constantly add cold water to control the temperature, because if it was too high, the meat would become tough.

This was the last steak in the refrigerator. Jiang Yanlin was very careful and perfectly controlled the heat. Finally, she took it out, dried it, cut it into even strips, and coated it with her own researched marinade, and then put it in the oven.

She cut an apple, and each slice was placed under the steak. She brushed a very light layer of honey water and slowly roasted it.

Finally, she sprinkled some basil and a little bit of red pepper for flavor, and it was done.

Qining finished her work and walked to the kitchen. Seeing her focused expression, she couldn’t help but take a picture with her phone.

They had left many photos and even videos in that house.

Two people with a social media side hustle were used to recording every bit and piece on camera.

A dinner was too luxurious, which made the originally sharp-sighted person also understand something. So in the free time after the meal, they sat at the table, waiting for the conversation to begin.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t like to beat around the bush and asked directly,
“When are you planning to book your flight?”

Qining looked at her and replied calmly,
“After the lockdown is lifted.”

Jiang Yanlin didn’t like to play dumb. She had had enough of that in front of Qining.

“I know you can leave whenever you want.”

Qining’s nationality and identity, as well as her family’s connections, allowed her to return to the country at will during such times. Naturally, she also had the ability to have a safety net.

What’s more, her condition had always been very healthy. She hadn’t even had a cold so far.

Jiang Yanlin was a bit anxious. Even she herself didn’t know where that anxiety came from.

“If the lawyer can handle the matters in the country, then let the lawyer handle them. Even if it really has to go to court, it will be a very long process. But the orchestra can’t wait any longer, you know that.”

As she spoke, her volume even became a bit high.

Qining was not surprised that she couldn’t hide it from her.

The slightly curled reddish-brown long hair had almost faded to a deeper color. In the light, it had a silky texture, which made her skin look even paler.

She looked at Jiang Yanlin and finally said,
“After your birthday.”

Jiang Yanlin was stunned for a moment and subconsciously asked back,
“How did you know…”

Qining smiled and said to her,
“Jiang Yanlin, I’ve always known more about you than you think.”

Jiang Yanlin paused, and her tense nerves finally relaxed a little. She hid all the leaked emotions.

But unexpectedly, the person in front of her suddenly said,
“But I don’t actually know if I still want to go back.”

Jiang Yanlin looked at her, very puzzled.

“That’s your lifelong dream and career. Why would you suddenly think that?”

Qining propped her chin up, her gaze sweeping over her face, and then she lost focus.

“Actually, I haven’t written a new piece in two years.”

Her voice was very light, like a sigh.
“Jiang Yanlin, I seem to have lost my ability to create.”

The ability to create, for a creator, is no different from life.

Jiang Yanlin had never thought that she would hear such a sentence from Qining’s mouth.

In all the days and nights they had spent together, she had never noticed that behind Qining’s gentle smile, there was such a silent anxiety hidden.

Why was she so calm?

Did she accept the reality?

But can she really give up so easily?

That was the dream that had quietly sprouted in her heart since she was six, when she sat at the piano and practiced again and again, breaking her fingers and growing thick calluses.

Now it had become a light sigh.

Later, what the two of them talked about, Jiang Yanlin could no longer hear.

Even at night, when Qining kissed her gently, she was slow to react and couldn’t give her an instinctive response.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t want to make a sound in that mood. She also silently deepened her force, kissing her every inch, again and again.

Until she was about to reach the critical point, Jiang Yanlin suddenly grabbed her hand and asked,
“Do you really want to give up?”

Jiang Yanlin couldn’t imagine what Qining would be like without the stage.

That should not be a scene that would exist, at least not on that world line.

Qining stared at her. After a moment, she whispered,
“Why do I feel that you are sadder than me?”

Jiang Yanlin was stunned for a moment, and then she understood that she was feeling sad for her.

“Don’t be sad. At least you still have me.”

Qining caressed her cheek and comforted her softly.

But Jiang Yanlin felt an unprecedented sense of sinking, like weightlessness, or a sudden fall.

For the first time, she said those words directly to Qining:
“No one can walk with you to the end, Qining. The only thing you won’t lose is yourself.”

So don’t give up, don’t stay.

That night, for the first time, their conversation ended unhappily.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t know if that counted as a fight, only that Qining had turned her back on her and hadn’t said another word to her until dawn.

No one can easily forgive such words, even Jiang Yanlin herself knew that.

She thought that if she opened her eyes tomorrow and saw an empty room, it would be expected.

Qining had just fallen into a dream that numbed her nerves. When she woke up, she would be able to get back on track and move towards her goal, shining brightly.

Later, as that dream played out for a short while in her drowsy state, Jiang Yanlin was pulled out of the dream, half-asleep.

A wet and hot feeling scraped past her, again and again. She opened her eyes sluggishly. The sky was already faintly brightening. Through that bit of morning light, and between her separated legs, Jiang Yanlin couldn’t see any of her expression.

“…Qining.”

She wanted to stop her, but she couldn’t break free. Her body had lost its dominance and was forced to sink and float in a raging storm.

Soreness and swelling welled up without any warning. Jiang Yanlin reached out to push her away, but her wrist was caught and pressed down under an absolute force.

Those hands, which would lightly play the piano keys, would tightly hold a bow, would grip a racket.

But for the first time, on Jiang Yanlin’s body, they showed a force that seemed to be able to break through her defense.

In the end, Jiang Yanlin no longer had a shred of sober consciousness to let her distinguish the color of the day.

She only heard her very light question in her ear:
“Jiang Yanlin, do you like me?”

But regardless of whether Jiang Yanlin answered or not, Qining only held her in that small world, refusing to let go for a long, long time.

“You don’t like me.”

Finally, she came to that sad conclusion.

“Otherwise, how could you bear to let me go?”

An unshakable force held her long legs, forcing them to be raised high.

Jiang Yanlin leaned on the shoe cabinet, almost unable to stand.

She gasped for breath, desperately taking in new oxygen, to get over the waves of dizziness.

When she looked down again, she saw the wanton person kneeling at the entrance, her black hair disheveled, her eyes looking up at her, a provocative upturn at the corners.

The wet and hot probing, crushing, and extracting, and the inescapable restraint, ignited the last bit of air in the small space, and soaked everything.

Jiang Yanlin reached out to touch her forehead, and she seemed not to care at all about being pushed away.

It would just be another time, until she was tormented to the point of having no strength to resist.

Her outstretched hand was trembling slightly, and she barely touched the top of Péi Wanyi’s head.

Péi Wanyi’s movements did not pause for a moment, but she was also prepared to be hit head-on.
—There’s a price to pay for a free meal.

The slightly hot fingers were on her head. Péi Wanyi opened her mouth slightly, not letting a single drop go to waste.

The next second, the hand on her forehead pressed down on her, and with a force, pressed her into the wetness.

Péi Wanyi paused for a moment, and a moment later she heard her voice above her head, one word at a time, without any emotion:
“Lick, it, clean.”