Chapter 34 : What’s Different?

Since that drunken night at Karen’s,
I’d sensed a shift in our relationship.

Years of resentment, longing, guilt, faded affection, and my resolve to avoid her, all mingled with the confusion of our constant encounters, creating a tangled mess of emotions I couldn’t decipher.

I’d already given up on her, hadn’t I?

Karen had left me, and even when we finally met again, she’d been cold and distant. I’d understood then that her leaving hadn’t been a mistake. And I’d accepted it, letting go of my lingering feelings.

Or so I thought.

I’d cried, used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, and time had started to heal the wounds.

So why was she
Back in my life?

“Titania, do you have a minute?”
“…No.”
“Make time.”

Why even ask if she was just going to
Force me to comply?

I quickly gathered my textbooks, eager to
Escape.

Karen, as if anticipating my move, grabbed my arm.
“Let’s go.”

She seemed to have forgotten her status as the second daughter of the Pesillid Dukedom.

Everyone was staring.

Arguing with me, someone surrounded by rumors and gossip, would only tarnish her reputation.

I had no choice but to follow.

As we left the classroom,
I made eye contact with Lucia.

She smiled and waved, her lips forming the words, “See you later.”

She was another source of my anxiety. I couldn’t
Decipher her true feelings.

Just last night, she’d been acting jealous, threatening to punish me for mentioning Karen, but then
She hadn’t done anything, and this morning, after watching me sleep, she’d smiled, a smug, almost predatory look on her face. She’d been acting strange ever since.

Anyway,
I followed Karen out of the classroom, eager to escape the stares.

…
…
…

“Titania, you’ve gained some weight.”
“…”
“You need to eat more, though. You’re still too thin.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Anything you want to eat?”
“No.”
“How about apples? You like those, don’t you?”

I didn’t.
She was the one who liked apples.

I knew why she’d thought that.

I used to pretend to like apples because she did.

I’d wanted to see her happy, delighted by our shared preference.

It was a childish act, and
Now, being offered an apple only made me feel indifferent.

“I’ll buy you some. Take them home.”
“…”
“Answer me, Titania.”
“…Fine.”

There was no point in explaining myself, so I
Took the apples without comment.

…

The town square, not far from the academy, was a chaotic mess.

The unplanned, almost haphazard architecture made it easy to get lost, and the crowds, dense as sprouts in a bowl, threatened to sweep me away.

What made it worse was that I kept bumping into Karen.

While the crowds made it unavoidable,
I still resented her for bringing me here.

Our hands and arms brushed against each other. Our thighs, our hips. I flinched
Every time, trying to put some distance between us.

After several such collisions,
Karen said, her tone puzzled,

“We used to be inseparable.”
“We’re not children anymore.”
“So what?”

She was being unreasonable.

I wondered what she wanted from me.

What had changed her mind, her attitude towards me?

I couldn’t recall any specific event.

Was it because I’d kissed her cheek while drunk? Because I’d clung to her, acting spoiled, then apologized, crying? …I’d told her I didn’t remember.

And if she’d changed her mind because of that, why had she left me in the first place?

Why now?

“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”

Karen, who’d been looking around, suddenly stopped at a stall selling trinkets and bought a hair clip.

It was a childish accessory, unsuitable for a knight.

But it was her money.

I thought it was just a whim, until
She pinned it to my hair.

“It looks good on you.”
“…”
“Keep it on. Okay?”
“No…”
“Shhh.”

I didn’t have a chance to protest. Karen
Grabbed my hand as I tried to remove the hair clip.

And then,
The question that had been forming in my mind finally surfaced.

Was this…
A date?

Us?

While I was generally indifferent to most things,
This was annoying.

I tugged on Karen’s sleeve and
Pulled her into a less crowded alley.

I spoke bluntly, slightly annoyed,

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m not interested in… this.”
“…”
“It’s childish and annoying.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have shown her
My vulnerable side, drunk and high. She’d probably
Felt sorry for me.

Had she misinterpreted my actions?

Did she think I was like this because she’d left, and now she
Felt obligated to… fix me?

If I were more articulate, more expressive,
I would have told her

It wasn’t her fault.
That it was just… my nature, and she
Shouldn’t feel guilty.

But we weren’t close enough for such a conversation. As I hesitated, searching for the right words,
Karen spoke.

“Then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“How should I treat you?”

Why was she asking me?

I couldn’t just brush her off. Her expression was too serious.

Treat me how? Just… avoid me. We could pretend we didn’t know each other, except for the occasional unavoidable encounter at the academy.

Ah.

I knew how to convince her.

I smiled, a cruel twist of my lips, and said,

“Just… hurt me.”

She’d already offered.

That was all I wanted from her. Not affection or kindness.

I’d rather be choked and tormented than
Receive gifts or be seen in public with her.

Especially if she truly felt guilty.

Even I thought I was messed up, rejecting her kindness and asking to be hurt.

But if I told her I wanted her to disappear from my life, she
Wouldn’t understand.

“…Fine.”

And then, things went as I’d planned.

Karen, her face a mixture of confusion and resignation,
Seemed to accept my request.

Like before, she pinned me against the wall, her hand on my throat, making me gasp and choke.

It felt good.
I was a pervert who enjoyed physical pain.

Karen seemed to have gotten the hang of it. She knew how to
Constrict my airway just enough to make me gasp and struggle without actually making me lose consciousness.

“My cheeks too… I like being… hurt…”
“Like this?”
“Harder, harder, ah, yes, more…”

The moment a hint of coquettishness entered my voice, my usually indifferent demeanor cracking,
Karen, intrigued, complied.

“Titania, you like this?”
“…Yes.”
“You’re a pervert.”
“…”

You’re not exactly normal either, indulging me like this.

Why did being choked and slapped feel so good?

After a while,
My legs, trembling from the pain and pleasure, the conflicting emotions, gave way, and I
Leaned against her for support.

Karen, without a word, hugged me.

I felt a surge of anxiety as our faces drew closer. And then, I did something stupid again. I kissed her cheek.

Why?

I couldn’t use the excuse of being drunk this time. I couldn’t
Claim I didn’t remember.

“…”
“…”

After a moment of silence, Karen didn’t say anything.

And I realized that was a bad sign.

Her torment intensified, as if
In retaliation.

Had I overstepped my boundaries?

But here was the strange thing.

In between slapping me until my cheeks were swollen, choking me until my throat was bruised, Karen kept hugging me, her face close to mine. And I, instinctively, would kiss her cheek, which would anger her again, and the cycle would repeat. It wasn’t like she was rewarding me for taking my medicine, so why didn’t she stop me from kissing her?

After a while, she re-pinned the hair clip, which had come loose during our… encounter, and said,

“Keep it on.”
“…”
“Answer me.”
“…Yes.”

And then Karen did something I couldn’t comprehend.

She kissed my cheek.

Horrified, I gasped,

“What are you doing?!”

But Karen seemed unfazed, as if
I was the one overreacting.

“You did it too.”
“That’s… different.”
“How?”
“…”

It was different.
Obviously.

Obviously…

I was speechless. While I had plenty to say,
I couldn’t articulate it.

I glared at Karen.

She chuckled, amused by my reaction.

What’s so entertaining about toying with someone’s feelings?

I hated Karen.
More than before.