Chapter 35: This is a Brand

“Ugh……”

I couldn’t even hold myself up.

I tried to put some strength into my body, but I couldn’t feel anything moving at all.

All I could do was barely, somehow, force my eyes open.

Through my blurry vision—

The space around me was crawling with people,

—Murmur, murmur!

And it was loud. Chaotic.

—“Wait, wait, didn’t she just say she’s Russian?”

This is…

I knew right away it was a dream.

Because back then, my Korean was still terrible.

Listening, speaking—both.

And to top it off, I was seeing this whole scene from third-person view.

That shy, awkward little Slavic blonde girl, nervously standing up from the table, trying to smile—that was me.

It was the very first saeteo OT and welcome party for our freshman class at KAIST.

It was when we were all taking turns introducing ourselves.

I even remember the place.

How could I forget?

That bar called “Two Legs, Four Legs”—because you walk in on two legs, but crawl out on all fours.

I still remember someone explaining the name to me later. Crystal clear to this day.

Even though it’s been over two years now—almost three.

“No way, really? There was news yesterday that Russia invaded Ukraine. War’s breaking out.”

“Damn, she got out just in time.”

“Guess she must have some connections.”

Ahh, yeah.

That’s how it was back then.

I introduced myself, saying my mom’s Ukrainian and my dad’s Russian.

And the second I said I was from Russia, everyone’s expression changed.

Looking back now, I still feel so wronged.

You guys were the ones who asked me, “Where are you from?” in awkward Konglish.

I just answered honestly.

And anyway, isn’t it normal in Korea too? When people get married, the wife moves to the husband’s place.

It was the same for my parents.

“If she managed to escape before the war broke out, her family must be super high up in the government or

something. No way they’re innocent.”

High up in the government? My family?

If that were true, why would my dad still be living at some construction site in Busan, eating and sleeping there like a

day laborer?

My dad’s such an idiot, he even forgot all his Russian by now.

He says he understands and speaks Busan dialect better at this point.

My mom and I—we were just waiting until my dad got his work visa for Korea.

That’s it. That’s the whole story.

…That’s what I wanted to explain, but my words didn’t get across.

 “Ah, um, so, yeah, I am Russian, but I just… followed my dad here… visa…”

Because back then, my English wasn’t even that good.

Just because people called me a genius girl didn’t mean I could do everything or knew everything.

I could only do what I knew. And I only knew what I could do.

But everyone seemed to think just because I was pale and blonde, I must speak perfect English.

The truth is, I didn’t get into KAIST for my English. I got in for my coding and math skills.

 “Ah, um, no, it’s not like that… I don’t know anything about the war… I just…”

Still, I tried.

I really tried to explain.

But it was impossible not to be nervous.

This was still a totally foreign place to me back then. I had no one here.

Nobody looked like me.

Not Slavic.

I couldn’t communicate properly.

And by the way, you all told me classes would be in English, so I figured you’d all speak English fluently. That was a lie.

Even just now, when I asked if this was the right place for the foreign student OT,

Nine out of ten of you just said “Yes, yes, yes,” and then immediately avoided eye contact.

Same thing’s happening now.

“Wait, did she just say ‘I don’t know’?”

“I also heard ‘just’ and ‘war.’”

“Wow, did she just straight up say ‘war’?”

Stop talking to each other.

Why aren’t you looking at me?

If you didn’t understand me, you could just ask me to repeat myself.

All you had to say was “Pardon?”

I’ll speak slower. More like Konglish if that’s easier.

“Well… I mean, if you look at it from an international relations perspective, war is just an extension of politics, so

technically she’s not wrong, but… Still, this feels kinda off.”

“…Does she even realize innocent people are dying right now because of her country?”

“Ha, if she knew, you think she’d openly say she’s Russian? She would’ve either apologized or at least pretended to be

Ukrainian.”

If you’re curious, just ask me directly.

Why are you acting like I’m not even here?

I might not understand everything, but I know you’re talking about me.

I’m right here.

Even if you’re mad, that’s fine.

Even if you misunderstood me, that’s fine too.

You can be suspicious if you want.

I’ll try my best to answer you.

I’ll do my best to explain.

Even if it sounds like an excuse, I’ll still give it my all…

“Ah f*ck, forget all that, because of this shit, my gas prices and my stocks f*cking tanked. Shiiit~!”

If you want me to apologize, I’ll apologize as much as you want…

“Seriously f*ck… My whole portfolio got destroyed… Why the f*ck did they have to invade now of all times…”

If you want me to admit I’m wrong, I’ll say it loud and clear…

“For real, it’s hilarious @#*&$# They tricked their own people and sent them straight into the meat grinder.”

Just… please, don’t look at me like that…

..@#…&$^&$…@#*$…

..((…#&*%&%…#…

…&%$@#…Russian…#…

…Please.

…Ask me.

…Answer me.

…Talk to me.

…Even if you hate me, just say it to my face.

…Even if you want to fight me, that’s okay.

…You can curse at me if you want.

…Even if you despise me, I’ll accept it.

@&^%#%&@%&@%&@$%&^$%&@%&@@&#^@#$@%&@%$&@$@($

Please…

Look at me see me

Jesus f*ck, you noisy-ass little freshmen bastards.

Ah.

“…?”

“Who’s that…?”

“Is that someone from your science high school?”

“No, never seen them before…”

“Judging from the way they talk, maybe they’re an upperclassman…?”

“But why the sudden swearing…”

“Wait, who even are you, suddenly showing up like this…?”

Me? I’m your proctor. Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you idiots figure that much out?

“Pro, proctor?”

“Wait, they never introduced themselves earlier…”

“Wait, where’s Seonghee noona? Wasn’t she supposed to be our proctor for this session…?”

Seonghee noona went to the bathroom. About ten minutes ago. To take a shit.

“……”

“……”

“……”

What? Don’t believe me? Wanna bet? She disappeared without saying a word to you all. What else could it be?

Taking a dump.

Or maybe she snuck out to smoke. Even though she claims she quit. Yeah, right.

“Um, isn’t that kind of rude to say about her…”

Hey, whether it’s rude or not, that’s between me and her. You little freshmen shits barely met her today and you’re

acting all buddy-buddy?

I bet you love it, huh? How she told you to just call her noona and act all close and shit? Feels nice, doesn’t it? Huh?

Guess you all think proctors and upperclassmen are just a f*cking joke, huh? Don’t you?

“Th-That’s not… what I meant…”

“……Senpai, isn’t that way too harsh?!”

“Y-Yeah! It’s not just rude to Seonghui noona, but to all of us too…!!”

“If you’re a Proctor, act like a Proctor and lead the freshmen properly—”

BANG! CRASH! SMASH!!

Hey, you crazy bastards. You still don’t get the situation?

『You seriously don’t know why the f*ck I’m acting like this? Are you guys really KAIST students?』

『No, you seriously don’t get it? Ha… what a bunch of goddamn morons… What’s the point of sending you to an

English camp before university if you can’t even understand basic conversation, let alone anything advanced…』

『Alright, fine. Let’s just set aside the fact that your English is total dogshit for a second. Yeah, you’re right—it is

rude. Rude of me, rude of you.』

『It’s also rude as f*ck that Seonghui noona is still nowhere to be seen, whether she’s too busy taking the world’s

biggest shit or just being a completely useless Proctor, or maybe both.』

『There’s only one person here who hasn’t been rude. Just one. And she’s not even a “person”—she’s a girl. You

dumbasses.』

『You guys really think you’re any different from those keyboard warriors swarming Soviet Girl’s comment section?

Huh?』

“……”

“……”

“……”

Oh? Starting to get it now?

Let me make something crystal clear before you get the wrong idea… Actually, no, knowing you lot, you’ll twist my

words no matter what I say.

I’m not here to defend that Slavic Loli or anything.

I’m just disgusted by you all—using your precious “senior” status as a free pass to act like complete f*cking trash.

Might as well blow off some stress from my research while I’m at it.

“W-Wait, so you’re just taking it all out on us?!”

“What kind of senior acts like this?”

“Yerin, calm down… I’ll deal with this…”

Yeah, sure. Hate me, curse me out, loathe me all you want. That’s your freedom. Just do it directly to my face, like

you’re doing now.

If you’ve got complaints, then spit them out right here. Don’t mumble behind my back like a bunch of cowardly

sock puppets.

What? Am I just so easy to shit on because I look like some pushover loser? But that Slavic Loli is off-limits?

Why’s everyone suddenly gone silent? You guys wired up with Protoss mind-link or something?

Is this how all you science high and gifted high kids turn out? Sorry, I wouldn’t know. I’m just a filthy regular high

school graduate.

Don’t understand what I’m saying? Fine. Since you all love examples so much, let me show you. Can’t solve a

problem without seeing one, right?

Hey, you. Slavic Loli.

 “H-Hiiick…?!”

Relax. This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You’re not exactly fluent either, but you should at least understand this

much, right?

 “A… U-Uh… Y-Yes, yes, yes.”

…Okay, either my pronunciation isn’t that bad, or you’re just pretending not to understand.

How the hell did you even get into KAIST… Whatever.

Alright then, let me ask you a few simple things you should be able to answer.

After coming to Korea,

excluding your family,

“……?!!”

the first time you heard it at KAIST.

Your father’s mother tongue.

Your mother’s mother tongue, too.

“……”

And the third one—in Korean.

A language you’ve now had over two years to get familiar with.

That day, back then,

he asked me like this:

“Say it. Pu. tin. Gaesaekki. If you can’t, your new nickname is Red Partisan. Got it?”

I felt like crying.

Was it because I was happy?

Or because it was so absurd?

In Korean, I think this is what you call dumbfounded.

Or speechless.

Yeah, that’s it—I was speechless.

Completely and utterly.

Because that wasn’t a question—it was a command.

A straight-up order.

In that situation, with a demand like that, even a so-called Slavic genius girl… well.

What could I possibly do?

Especially since the third one—

he made a point to say it so. damn. clearly. in Korean.

Because he knew.

He knew I understood every word.

 “P-Putin…! Gaettaekki…!!”

So I shouted it out.

 “Putin…! Gaettaekki…!!”

Irina Rosenkrantz kept shouting it.

 “Ahaha… Putin…!! Gae… ttaekki!!”

With a bright smile.

 “Ahaha… sniff…! Gaettaekki! Gaettaekki PutinPutin!! Haha, ahaha! Sniff, ahaha! Putin Gaekki!!”

Crying and laughing at the same time.

Awww~ No no, I’m not gonna let you off just ‘cause your pronunciation’s all cute and fluffy. Do it again—with

feeling.

“P-Putin…!!”

Not Ppu, it’s Pu.

Ppu-tin~ No no. Pu-tin~ Yes yes yes.

 “Ahaha… sniff, sniff! Uhh…! Putin~!!”

“Gae…! Sae…! Kki…!!”

Like some twisted talent show.

There’s no way I could ever forget.

It’s impossible to forget.

That moment.

That salvation.

His laughing face.

His crooked smile.

His furious scowl.

Those clear, unwavering eyes.

That firm, unshakable resolve.

That single sentence, spoken with no hesitation.

It’s all still carved into my mind.

Into my heart.

Into my very soul.

As vivid as if it happened today.

Etched so deep, it can never be erased.

Love is a scar branded by fire.

It’s an engraving gouged out by a chisel called obsession.

“Huuh… huuuh… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I’m sorry… huuuh… hick…”

And so, once again today, I fall asleep inside this hellscape painted as happiness.

It’s always been like this.

Not a single day passed without it.

Ever since the funeral, every night and every day has been like this.

And yet—

For some reason, this time, I feel…

“Seriously, dumbass. Why couldn’t you appreciate it while it lasted, you stupid little Slavic brat.”

A warmth I haven’t felt in so long.

A touch rough and clumsy—just like his.

“Get some proper sleep, okay? Your dark circles are terrible.”

…Yeah, you’re right.

If it’s this kind of dream,

Maybe, just for tonight,

“I’ll stay here until you stop crying.”

Maybe, just for tonight,

I might actually sleep well.