Chapter 38: A Child’s Dream

Any resistance to Péi Wanyi began the moment she realized she “couldn’t resist.”

It had been a long time since Jiang Yanlin had lived so absurdly.

Or rather, she had almost never had such a time in her life.

Every day with the same person, in a situation where no relationship existed, for a whole week of non-stop s*x, it almost seemed as if she had used up a lifetime’s worth of love.

Jiang Yanlin was not at all keen on this way of venting.

Even with Xiao You, it was only after two nights together that they naturally developed into a relationship.
—At that time, Jiang Yanlin had been single for four years.

Using another person’s body heat to relieve loneliness seems to be one of humanity’s flaws.

A sober person would notice something was wrong, and a self-restrained person would have ruled out this wrong option from the beginning.

And the vast majority of the rest would easily get lost in this illusion of “being loved.”

Sometimes Jiang Yanlin would also think, is love an ability or a talent?

But it was obvious that many people had neither.
—They neither had the ability to love others, nor the ability to love themselves.

So they constantly screened and locked onto targets in the vast sea of people, using all sorts of sweet words and affectionate tactics to get others to do the work of “loving themselves” for them.

A long time ago, Jiang Yanlin also knew nothing about “love.”

At a very tender age, all her understanding of love came from literature and film.

The “love” in the stories was always grand and soul-stirring.

She would be so sad that she would cry all night because Lu Yiping jumped off a bridge, and she would also be lost in thought because Lin Yueru gave the chance to live to Li Xiaoyao and Ling’er.

So in her most naive years, the little girl who thought she understood the true meaning of love secretly bought a thick diary and, every night, used a pencil to write down all her fantasies about love.

Later, Jiang Yanlin was very glad that her mother’s first reaction to finding out about this was to tear her diary to shreds, telling her to focus on her studies and not to write those useless things.

If such a dark history had been left until today, her creative spirit would have been severely damaged.

But Jiang Yanlin was not ashamed of those budding, naive dreams.

She still remembered how thick and long the notebooks she used to record her thoughts were.

From elementary school to middle school, spanning countless small days and nights, during morning reading, in study hall, during lunch break, after finishing homework, every quiet night before bed.

And at that time, Jiang Yanlin already had a faint realization.
—Creation needs to be fed by personal experience.

Perhaps many children who have not yet experienced sexual awakening will have such a stage.

Randomly pick a classmate who looks the most well-behaved and put them in their love fantasy, taking on the heavy responsibility of the leading role.

From elementary school, Jiang Yanlin was a literary girl who was severely poisoned by literary works.

She unceremoniously chose her deskmate—who was also the most handsome boy in the entire grade.

With a specific character and some daily interactions, Jiang Yanlin’s fantasy story could continue for three years.

And during this time, Jiang Yanlin had always been convinced that she was a girl in love, and that she understood “love” better than anyone else around her.

Until the end of the first year of junior high, when her birthday was approaching, her best friend urged Jiang Yanlin to ask that boy out.

“What’s the point of just writing? You have to take the initiative!”

In that era, girls of the same age were either chasing stars or watching Hong Kong and Taiwan idol dramas. Jiang Yanlin, who considered herself aloof, never participated in these hobbies, living in her own world.

But she also felt that her best friend’s words made sense, so she immediately took action and asked the boy who had been the protagonist in her story for three years out.

The two of them had not been in the same school since middle school. After a long time, the gentle and shy old deskmate still agreed to go out with her for her birthday.

Jiang Yanlin was a very planned person. No matter how impulsive she was, she could still be meticulous.

She remembered what the biggest common topic between her and this deskmate was, so she made full preparations and arrangements for this day with a specific purpose.

Jiang Yanlin chose the location to be a large comic-con at that time.

Because in the three years they were deskmates in elementary school, their daily topic was what manga they had recently read and what new anime they were chasing. So much so that the class teacher thought there was something wrong with them and forcibly separated their seats in the last semester.

At that time, Jiang Yanlin had been heartbroken for a period of time, and the story in her notebook also took on a sad and melancholy tone.

The comic-con was in the next city. The two of them took the subway and bus several times before arriving at their destination.

She was very happy and even specially wore a JK uniform, a wig, and makeup, which drew a lot of attention along the way.

Her old deskmate was a man of few words, and they hardly spoke on the way until they reached the exhibition. Looking at the cosplayers in their strange costumes, he finally spoke.

“This is…”

That day, Jiang Yanlin directly sent him home and turned to go to the exhibition.

Later, her best friend asked Jiang Yanlin, “How was the date?”

Jiang Yanlin sneered, “It felt disgusting. I can’t explain it.”

That night, she deleted his contact information and never mentioned him again.

It was probably at that moment that Jiang Yanlin finally realized.

From beginning to end, she was creating a love fantasy, so she needed an actor to support the framework and provide her with inspiration.

From the beginning, she had never liked him, and it was impossible for her to like him in the future.

The little girl who thought she understood the true meaning of “love” had a long and whimsical dream. It wasn’t until she woke up that she realized that she didn’t know anything at all.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t feel a shred of sadness. She just locked up those notebooks and never opened them again.

She still loved to fantasize, she still would dream, but she would no longer casually pull a random passerby to be the lead actor.

For a long time after that, she had no time for these girlish daydreams, struggling in the unbearable reality until the rolls of pages at the bottom of the box also turned yellow, leaving the mottled traces of time.

What is “love” after all?

At the age of ten, in a three-year-long whimsical dream, Jiang Yanlin had never found the answer.

So she also stopped searching, stopped being curious.

But fate is just so strange. The thing you’ve been chasing for a long time never reveals its true face, but when you’ve put it behind you and forgotten it completely, it quietly descends upon you.

That year, Jiang Yanlin was sixteen.

That year, she left school with a permanent injury.

That year, Jiang Yanlin met the first silent recipient, the one who made her wake up in the middle of the night countless times and could not let go.

In the winter of her twenty-third year, Jiang Yanlin met Xiao You.

As the long vacation approached, Jiang Yanlin had arranged a plan to live in Hong Kong.

Four years of dark work intensity had pushed her body and mind to the limit. So, on a friend’s suggestion, Jiang Yanlin chose this way to switch and recuperate.

When she first arrived in Hong Kong, she only had two or three friends to meet up with. Everyone was very busy, and Jiang Yanlin was not a lively person, so she was happy on her own.

Every day, she would finish some work in her short-term rental, then go out with her phone and camera to wander around, take pictures to collect materials, and explore small alleys to relax.

Such days were very comfortable and could soothe her mood, so she unconsciously got used to the rhythm of life and almost forgot the passage of time.

Until one night, Jiang Yanlin started a live broadcast for the first time in a long time, planning to manage the fan base of her account.

It was already very late when the broadcast started. She chatted idly while working. She was not very interested in live-stream shopping and would only occasionally recommend something she had used and thought was okay.

Time flew by, and it was already midnight. An email popped up in her inbox, and messages from her friends came in one by one. Only then did Jiang Yanlin belatedly remember that today was her birthday.

Few people knew that Jiang Yanlin disliked celebrating her birthday the most, yet she cared about it the most.

Because this day was the starting point of a lifetime of suffering that her birth had brought to her mother.

But also on this day, Jiang Yanlin could get a lot, a lot of love from her friends.

As for her biological father, Jiang Yanlin had little impression of him.

After all, she had only seen him twice when she was very young, so it was not worth mentioning.

At an age when she understood some things, Jiang Yanlin had also asked her mother once:
“There are so many people in the world. Why did you choose someone like that?”

Her mother just smiled and said, “At that time, we were in the same factory. He had just come, and I was already a supervisor. I saw that he often couldn’t even afford to eat, and I felt sorry for him, so I couldn’t help but take care of him a little more.”

Jiang Yanlin said “oh” and commented,
“The story of the farmer and the snake.”

Jiang Yanlin had always been very sure that her mother’s major turning point in life was meeting this “snake” with a sweet mouth and a bitter heart.

Before that, although her mother was born poor, she was very hardworking and down-to-earth, and was deeply trusted by her neighbors. She was not afraid of hardship or dirty work. Her family did not give her any help, but she also worked her way up to the management level in the factory with her own abilities.

A factory supervisor in that era was already the beginning of a great future. She was still so young, and her future should have been happy and beautiful.

But her momentary pity had attracted the most flattering snake.

So at the best age, she entrusted her life to the biggest lie.

At least there was one thing that Jiang Yanlin’s grandmother did right, which was that she very much disliked the person her mother had chosen to marry.

But a person in love will go their own way, and no one can stop them.

It wasn’t until she was used as a stepping stone and left with a letter, disappearing from her life, that she still couldn’t believe such cruelty.

“At that time, your mother was pregnant with you. She took a train to Guangdong to find him alone, but she couldn’t find him. His family all helped him to deceive your mother. Your mother was even robbed on the way back. It was a great fortune that she came back alive.”

When her grandmother mentioned those things, there was only a sigh.

At such a crossroads, all sober people actually understood one thing.

Her marriage had failed, but she still had a way out.

However, no matter how much Jiang Yanlin’s grandmother tried to persuade her, she did not dissuade her from going her own way.

She still gave birth to Jiang Yanlin, letting her life walk into a more difficult future.

Jiang Yanlin didn’t know if her mother had ever regretted it, but in her most rebellious years, in those countless quarrels and clashes, her mother had never really said once—it would have been better if I hadn’t given birth to you.

But Jiang Yanlin had repeated this sentence in her heart many, many times.

If it weren’t for me, how easy and free your life would have been.

From the most cold-blooded perspective, Jiang Yanlin only felt that pregnancy hormones were very terrible, and could make a living person live as an appendage of another life.

But as a beneficiary, she could never say such a thing as getting a bargain and still selling it for a good price.

Jiang Yanlin knew that she was a life that lived by sucking the nutrients from her mother’s blood and flesh.

So she had always had difficulty holding onto a simple happiness on her birthday.

Only a close friend of ten years knew that Jiang Yanlin actually liked to receive birthday gifts very much.

It didn’t have to be expensive. It didn’t even have to cost money. Any simple and sincere words could make her smile.

Pure words full of blessings were like a tireless reminder, telling Jiang Yanlin, “Your birth is worth it, and your existence has meaning.”

For a long time, Jiang Yanlin needed to rely on these forces to support her to move forward a little further.

But she would never ask for them.

One after another, emails and birthday wishes made Jiang Yanlin, far away in Hong Kong, also can’t help but smile.

The audience in the live broadcast room noticed the change in her mood and asked, “Sister, did you encounter something good?”

Jiang Yanlin replied casually, “It’s my birthday today.”

The frequency of her occasional broadcasts, and the fact that she didn’t sell anything, meant that there were not many live people in the live broadcast room.

But after she said this, more than a dozen people immediately sent gifts, wishing her a happy birthday.

Jiang Yanlin was in a very good mood, so she extended the broadcast time, planning to work overtime for free for a while.

There were also some old viewers who came often and were familiar with her, so they loved to joke with her.

“Why is no one calling you on your birthday? Is sister in a dry spell lately?”

Jiang Yanlin pretended to be angry. “Who are you looking down on? If I wanted to make a call, anyone would answer in a second.”

The people in the live broadcast room immediately started to jeer, asking her to call right now. If she did, they would send her more gifts.

There’s money to be made. Don’t take it for nothing.

Jiang Yanlin took out her phone on the spot and chose a person who would definitely answer the phone—her best friend.

But things didn’t go as planned. The night owl who usually didn’t sleep at this time, I don’t know what she was doing. The phone rang for a long time without being answered.

Seeing that the people in the live broadcast room were already laughing out loud, Jiang Yanlin was also a little embarrassed. She quickly hung up and quickly looked for a second person in her contact list.

She had very few saved numbers. In the era of developed social networks, many people only used chat software to contact each other and did not need to make phone calls.

Jiang Yanlin finished scrolling through her contact list in a glance or two. It wasn’t until her gaze swept over the last name that her fingers paused.

In those short two seconds, even she herself didn’t understand what kind of long circling and wandering her thoughts had gone through.

It was only when she came back to her senses that this call had already been dialed uncontrollably.

The ringing sounded again and again, like an empty echo knocking on her heart.

She won’t answer.

At this hour, she would have been asleep long ago.

So after two more rings, she’ll just hang up.

Jiang Yanlin comforted herself. As for what the people in the live broadcast room were saying, she had no time to care.

Until the dream-like second arrived, and the familiar voice came from the phone, with a sleepy, unconscious murmur.

“Hello.”

Jiang Yanlin was startled by this voice. Even her breath tensed up, so that she could only say,
“Sorry, did I wake you?”

The person on the other end of the line didn’t seem to be awake and didn’t even hear what she said.

Only the familiar voice, after a second, came very, very lightly:
“Happy birthday.”

On her twenty-fourth birthday, Jiang Yanlin locked herself in her room and didn’t go anywhere.

She didn’t want to read messages, didn’t want to answer phone calls, and didn’t want to go out anywhere.

Before hurriedly ending the broadcast at midnight, Jiang Yanlin sat in front of the computer, unable to regain her consciousness for a long time.

She thought that she was most likely hearing things.

So she asked softly, “Did she just say happy birthday?”

Countless bullet comments gave her the answer.

After a long silence, Jiang Yanlin used her last bit of strength to say good night and turned off the live broadcast.

Then, silently, she let herself lie in the long, quiet night.

A sleepless night.

Sixteen-year-old Jiang Yanlin got a love.

Unique, one-of-a-kind, hot and pure.

But it wasn’t until her twenty-fourth birthday that she truly understood.

In those sleepless nights of self-pity, she had wiped away drop after drop of tears, swallowed down sound after sound of longing, but again and again, she could not find reconciliation.

Year after year, the memory faded, but she arrogantly thought that only she still remembered.

—It wasn’t until I was so much older than you were when we first met that I understood.
—How important I was to you.