Chapter 41: Ashes Of Resignation

A silent and lonely black space, filled only with unfathomable darkness.

In its center, a small girl, whose form could barely be discerned, black like the space itself, stared blankly into the black void.

As if preparing a rough sketch for a form, faint white lines illuminated her skin, glowing faintly. Like self-luminescence.

However, the girl, as if accustomed to it, ignored it and only stared into the void.

Surely, there should be nothing where the girl was looking. Yet the girl just remained still.

Waiting.

For the person she wants to meet again.

In a world rife with illusions and fiction, the only person who truly exists.

Though the words are full of contradiction. She could call her even now. Instead, the time the world could be sustained would shorten.

If she was going to call her anyway, she wished it could be a little longer. And, eating together. Chatting warmly, spending a long time together.

Because of that wish, she didn’t call her right away.

Perhaps, she might have to wait several months again and open the world.

Or maybe, unable to bear this loneliness, she might open the world right now.

The time difference between here and the outside world is unclear. According to the her she saw today.

Didn’t she ask if they met just a few hours ago? Unfortunately, I saw her after two months. I don’t know exactly, but roughly that much time must have passed.

This problem arose because the power I could handle was unexpectedly weak. Since I’m borrowing her power temporarily to create this, it’s natural if-.

No, wasn’t it my power in the first place? The divine power inherited from Mother, which she merely awakened.

Originally, I should have been the master of that divine power.

“…Thinking like this feels somewhat unfair.”

And resentful too. Of course, it was said in jest, and honestly, I felt relieved too.

It was obvious I wouldn’t have been able to handle such power properly anyway, and even borrowing it occasionally to construct a fictional world took a long time.

Sadly, it seems I have no talent. Still, I felt good.

The one in ‘my’ body now. No, now that they’ve mixed, both are me, I guess.

Anyway, her. Kim Sia.

Because she uses my body better than I do. The glimpses I caught outside using borrowed power intermittently.

The many people by her side too. They looked happy and joyful, which I thought was fortunate.

Because I haven’t laughed or cried since that day.

So I felt sorry for Kim Sia too. Because I gave her a body worse than a corpse and ran away.

Kim Sia also complained when we met earlier. I apologized for it, but the feeling of guilt didn’t disappear.

In the world she originally lived in, she must have lived normally-.

“…Is that not right either?”

Just as Kim Sia doesn’t know about me, I don’t know about Kim Sia either.

When I first saw her, I thought she was just an ordinary person. The body was mine, but the expressions and use of the face were clearly different.

Just a person whose emotions were all displayed on her face. However, the hollow eyes I had created seemed unchanged. If we meet later, I should apologize for this too.

Because she suffered more than a few things because of me.

It’s strange for someone with such a body to smile so well. I also saw some funny faces.

However, there were strange points too.

Sometimes, borrowing her power, I could see outside. She was a person who smiled well.

The people by her side also laughed along with her smile, looked happy. And sometimes, looking at her, they looked sad too.

Accurately, it was probably because of her body’s condition.

In response, Kim Sia just smiles awkwardly or laughs cheerfully.

Yes, just smiles.

Like a person stubbornly insisting on only one expression.

But that too is contradictory. She has cried before too.

Because I’ve been watching continuously since Kim Sia settled into my body.

Facts impossible not to know are now embedded in my memory. From meeting the noble named Lilac to meeting Mother again.

Being the one borrowing power, I couldn’t see everything, but I remembered and watched the important scenes one by one.

And I saw Kim Sia struggling to live too.

I’m talking about the first meeting with Lilac. Back then, Kim Sia experienced fear and terror in an unfamiliar world.

There was nothing particularly strange about that. But the aftermath was the problem.

A familiarity with that fear and hunger was visible. That must be why she could ask Lilac for help instead of fainting in that situation.

An ordinary person would undoubtedly faint if their village burned and a magic swordswoman looked down at them from the sky.

Surely, if it had been me instead of Kim Sia in that situation, I would have fainted. What choices could a powerless girl make there?

Kim Sia was truly an amazing person. She faced countless crises of death, yet except for the initial situation, she didn’t even cry.

Familiarity? I definitely felt that. Another one of the contradictions I caught.

Why does familiarity with death exist? Did Kim Sia experience death before coming to my body?

According to her, she just fell asleep in bed and woke up to that situation.

Then where on earth did that adaptability come from? Innate talent? Can that even be called talent?

Originally, I planned to ask about this today too. But my mouth wouldn’t open. No, more accurately, a warning probably echoed in my head not to bring it up.

What’s certain is. Kim Sia, she definitely didn’t live an ordinary life.

Thinking ‘What’s strange about a smiling person?’ arises, but. She smiles too often. As if smiling for someone else.

It’s not a wrong idea, so that in itself is unsettling.

Beyond that smile. Someone exists. Whether it’s with Lilac, Jahy, or anyone else.

And when she’s alone.

“…Is this needless meddling? Hit. My situation isn’t great either. Busy worrying about myself.”

Still, I couldn’t help but think about it.

Strange and unsettling. And somehow sad.

Such laughter and smiles. Were full of contradictions. I know it’s meddling. I know it’s pointless thought and interference.

Yet, I keep thinking about Kim Sia. Maybe that’s the reason I, Sia Yggdrasil, keep summoning her to the fictional world.

A smile completely opposite to mine. And laughter.

I think I smiled for myself. If there was something pleasant or a happy day.

I smiled for myself. That made me happier and more joyful.

But Kim Sia. What makes her happy and joyful enough to laugh? Sometimes watching her talk with Jahy, it didn’t seem awkward. That must have been genuinely fun and joyful.

The problem is, aside from situations like that. There was nothing.

Contradictory laughter. A liar’s smile.

Kim Sia always converses with people with that face. As if to prevent others from getting angry.

She always lives with a smile.

Even when hurt. She says it’s okay.

Even when struggling. She says she’s still fine.

Even at the threshold of death. She checks the faces of those around her before her own.

How is such coping possible, how can she live ‘reading cues’ like that?

If someone were to tell her face, which prevents spitting on a smiling face, that danger has settled there. What expression would she make?

Did she truly live properly in her past life? What broke her like that?

The broken one wasn’t me, but her. And from a very long time ago.

Already an irreparable sight.

I didn’t say it, but. In the fictional world, I saw her insides. She must have seen mine too.

Probably looked mostly black. Though white was visible too. But she wouldn’t have seen the white increasing as it is now.

With the second meeting, the white increased nearly threefold. Though still incomparable to the black.

Meeting Kim Sia gave me hope, no, expectation. That with her, I could achieve my goal regarding Mom.

That was a wrong judgment. I called her to the world out of pity, but intended to use her as a means.

So, feeling sorry, I called her again just to talk, but.

Instead, my soul was healed, leaving me flustered. Did Saintesses affect even souls?

It was an anomaly caused by the conversation with her. Negative emotions that felt unchangeable. They faintly turned white.

And now, though small, occupied one spot.

Suddenly curious, I examined her interior too.

“She didn’t look much different in age from me…”

There was no white. And no black either.

Just, in the vessel that could hold emotions, what it contained was.

“Resignation about what, I wonder.”

Only resignation existed within her. Not a single one of the cliché emotions like joy, fun, happiness existed.

Until now, being with various people, some new emotions had arisen. But they soon faded and disappeared.

Whether it was happiness, joy, or fun.

Briefly and concisely. As if unwilling to dwell on it any longer.

“Later. Later, I must ask.”

Because I still don’t know what kind of wound it might inflict on her. If she gets hurt by this question, I will bow my head and offer an apology.

“Worse than me.”

Sia Yggdrasil. At least she had black.

But Kim Sia, only ashes filled her.

As if everything burned down, leaving only ashes.

Of course, I only learned later that only about half of what I said was the actual truth.