Chapter 42: I’m Normal

“Couldn’t sleep? You have slight dark circles.”

Sitting blankly on the rocking chair, gazing out the window, I was startled by a voice from in front and widened my eyes.

“Yes… well, I tossed and turned a bit because it was slightly uncomfortable…”

Answering Lilac who had just entered, Mother, hugging me from behind, lifted her hand and stroked my forehead.

“Is your body uncomfortable? Are you hurting somewhere?”

“Haha. Not that kind of discomfort, just had something like a nightmare.”

“A nightmare? The sleeping arrangements must have been bad.”

“I suppose so.”

Replying to Mother’s question, Lilac, who was organizing the bookshelf in front, expressed her concern.

I hadn’t looked in the mirror, so I didn’t know, but were my dark circles that noticeable?

That must look unsightly. Should I put on makeup to cover it?

I didn’t even know the types of cosmetics, so I probably couldn’t even attempt it.

‘Does it really matter? It’s home anyway, and the people who see me don’t seem to care much.’

Or maybe not? Seeing this reaction, I feel like they’ll stick to me all day.

Decided to ignore it.

I definitely met Sia Yggdrasil and exchanged various stories, even receiving a request at the end.

Though it might be considered a short time, being able to look forward to the next meeting brought relief.

‘If that had been the last meeting, my mental would have cracked…’

[Don’t people usually not think like that?]

‘It’s my feeling, isn’t it?’

[Okay…]

Letting the Goddess’s words, ‘You’ve become strange after turning into a girl,’ pass, I patted the back of Jahy’s head, whose ahoge* swayed below my chin.

(*Ahoge: single strand of hair sticking out)

“Mommy?”

Jahy turned with a questioning face, her eyes wide as she looked at me.

Chuckling, I rested my chin on top of Jahy’s head.

“Eeing?”

Making a dazed sound, Jahy squeaked as she experienced the sensation of her ahoge being pressed down.

“Heeheehee…”

She seemed to strangely enjoy it, so I just stayed still. It was comfortable for me too, having a chin rest.

‘Though the fact that it’s Jahy’s head is the problem…’

Whatever. We’re both satisfied.

Come to think of it, my current condition was truly odd.

After spacing out, eating breakfast, and taking a walk in the Duchy garden with Mother and Jahy to digest (unfortunately, Lilac was stuck in her office with work)…

Still, her diligence in looking after the territory’s residents was admirable, so I occasionally praised her and had tea time together.

Before leaving for the Demon Realm, that is…

Anyway, after walking like that, my stamina ran out, I came up to the room, and ended up in this current state.

It could truly be called strange.

A whopping three people were sitting on the rocking chair. On a single chair, no less.

Lilac was sitting on my dedicated rocking chair. Because of her height, the chair looked small, but her slightly lean physique made even that look perfect.

Having finished organizing the entire bookshelf, she seemed to be sitting down to rest…

‘Why sit on a small chair instead of the bed?’

Perhaps Lilac is the type who likes small things. But why bury her nose in the chair…

‘Hmm… Let’s not think further.’

I didn’t see it. Truly.

Anyway, the current funny scene was Mother behind, me in the middle on Mother’s lap, and Jahy in front on my lap.

If I saw this in a full-length mirror, I would have definitely collapsed laughing.

‘…Though I wouldn’t be able to laugh for long.’

My mood sank again.

The memory forcibly erased by people in the morning. The memory of my past life that came back last night resurfaced.

Since when did I become a ‘child’ who couldn’t laugh for long? Though limited to childhood…

‘Was it…?’

Maybe not. I don’t think I laughed much even when I became an adult.

My memory might be wrong, so I decided to leave it alone.

Anyway, though I barely remember, excluding just one memory, my childhood memories were blank, as if a film reel was cut somewhere.

It was obvious that my past self forcibly erased the memories.

It was a life naturally mentally taxing for a child to endure. And as I think about it, even an adult might have developed a ‘disorder’ warranting psychiatric help.

‘Well… it’s a meaningless fact after moving out, though.’

After graduating high school, I cut ties with my family. I supported myself with part-time jobs, diligently saved the scholarship money I received from school, and managed university and a studio apartment without much trouble.

‘Seems like now is much better. No work, food, clothing, shelter all free…’

Capitalism is the best. Long live landlords.

After that, I naturally lived an ordinary life until I fell into this world.

The only slight difference was sending gifts via delivery for Mom’s birthday.

Said I cut ties with family, but…

‘What a contradictory statement.’

It’s just an excuse, let’s stop here. I cut ties with my family.

‘Yes. I have nothing to do with them.’

Consoling oneself is very unfair. It feels like having no one to pat your shoulder and cry with you.

Felt absurd and full of discrimination.

Someone shares sorrow with friends. Someone shares sadness with family. Someone shares pain with a lover.

‘I never got to do any of those things. Heehee.’

[……]

What is a given fact for someone else. Was what I, my childhood self, needed more than anyone.

Family, lover, friends. At that age, understanding them was impossible. And I didn’t approach them either.

No, I did try to approach.

‘Hit. If that’s how they came at me, I wouldn’t have even started.’

They too, family too, approached me. In the exact opposite direction I had hoped for.

Coming to the present, I think I’m okay. It’s the past anyway. I didn’t want to be bound by it. So I showcased running away from home and confidently enjoyed university.

…Was it enjoyable?

Ah, there was one enjoyable thing. When I received a reply asking me to come back after sending Mom a gift. That was the most enjoyable and happy moment.

‘What did I do with that letter? Ah, right.’

‘I miss Mom.’

I still love and like Mom. Because she’s family.

And yet, I hated and resented her too. Even now.

The time spent without anyone. Everyone probably has it, but. If it lasts for a long time, a person’s spirit erodes and crumbles.

The absence of beings who should be beside you, causes a great sense of loss.

‘Someone said that.’

I don’t remember, but I heard it from a university classmate who broke up with his girlfriend. We were just acquaintances who greeted each other occasionally. Happened to overhear it during the end-of-semester party.

He was truly a philosophical person. Though I couldn’t empathize at all.

Because from the beginning, there was no one beside me.

Stroke stroke.

Lifting my chin, I stroked Jahy’s head and smiled sadly.

“?”

“No. It’s nothing.”

“Mommy…?”

Being alone is lonely. Solitary and lonesome.

-Kim Sia…

Now Sia Yggdrasil interferes too. Guess it wasn’t auditory hallucination. The feeling echoing in my head wasn’t unpleasant either.

Stroking Jahy’s head like that, I turned my gaze out the window.

Nearly lunchtime. I had no appetite.

Alone, one can do nothing. Like a protagonist in a manga. Such absurd stories. Are just fiction.

Therefore. Perhaps I felt sympathy for Jahy struggling in the Demon Realm.

There, no one was beside Jahy, and she ran away to survive.

Just like me.

That’s why I felt more attached to the child too. Let’s make her different from me, let me stay beside this child.

At least, let her not learn to fake smiles like me.

“Sia…”

“Baby…”

[……]

From here and there, they call me, trailing off their words. Annoyed by my tired mind, I frowned and looked there.

Then my eyes widened, and I looked at them.

They all approached my face with anxious expressions.

“Uh, um… Why…?”

“……”

-……

[……]

Asking, the three, no, five remained silent. Is something smudged on my face? Why are they like this?

“Are you really not hurting somewhere…?”

At Lilac’s question, I smiled, shook my head, and spoke.

“No problem. Just tired.”

“…Okay. But tell me if you feel pain.”

“Hehe. I will.”

Maintaining the ‘forced’ smile, I gazed out the window at the territory beyond.

Hardworking people spend their time laboring and trading to maintain their livelihoods.

It seems the feelings of regret and loneliness are unavoidable.

Because even such time was stolen from me by others.

Even working hard, there were things I couldn’t receive.

A bitter taste lingered in my mouth. If someone saw me now, they would treat me as both crazy and attention-seeking.

‘They just don’t know.’

How perfectly fine I am now. No mental issues. Never had a mental illness.

Just scoff at them and ignore it.

I am normal. The past is gone. If one is bound by it and cannot look forward, they are just vermin.

What expression my face holds now. Why Mother, Jahy, and Lilac look at me with such expressions.

Was an incomprehensible sight.

Still, I felt good. Because they are beside me.

Beside me…

[Child. Get a grip. Child!]

Right. Need to get a grip. I’m normal.

[No, you’re not. My daughter. Do you know what state your mind is in-.]

‘Shut up.’

No matter what anyone says, I am normal.