Chapter 48: I Think I Understand

Leaping towards the small world beyond the window, in search of freedom and happiness, wasn’t a bad idea.

The problem was that the ground below was a pool of blood.

In my panic, the blood I was using as a body was absorbed into the pool.

I almost drowned in it before the surrounding blood gathered my scattered remains and slowly pieced me back together.

After my body reformed, I slipped on a chunk of flesh, then stumbled again, stepping on the head of a child who died clutching a doctor’s hand. Just when I thought I wouldn’t fall again, I slipped on the blood once more.

It couldn’t be helped. I was running excitedly.

Something was flying towards me from behind.

I looked back and saw Seo-jun and Hye-yeon jumping out the window, chasing after me.

But they were far behind.

Far enough for me to start my motorcycle, shove the broken mask into my pocket, and speed away with a roar.

As my body regenerated and my chest began to reform, I looked up at the sky.

“Ha, haha, huh, heh heh!”

I sped down the road, laughing.

“Hic, I have to… get my gun…”

Lost in my laughter, I failed to turn the motorcycle and crashed into a building.

I was a bit of a mess, but I grabbed my half-destroyed mask and stumbled away.

Aimlessly.

Thinking about what I had to do next.

Someone approached me, seeing the blood and tattered clothes.

They asked if I was okay.

Of course, I wasn’t okay.

Not a single day had been okay since I woke up here.

Not a single moment.

I thought everything would be resolved if I met Seo-jun, but that wasn’t the case.

I believed everything would be alright, gave up on everything, and just waited to see her.

But nothing changed, even after we met!

Lately, I’d been feeling more and more depressed.

I kept thinking positive thoughts, taking positive actions, giving myself positive affirmations, but I didn’t know why I felt this way.

Talking to someone, speaking, breathing in, breathing out, then lost in thought again, taking a breath, and speaking again… what was I doing?

I didn’t know what I wanted to do or what I wanted to say. In the end, I only had one wish.

I thought I loved the village, but when I went back, it wasn’t the lovely place I remembered.

Instead of welcoming me back, they tried to take me somewhere, to assault me.

And the kind neighbor who used to look at me with fondness was nowhere to be seen.

Those junkies who took over his house probably killed him.

The cool, woody scent, the dog that came running when I called its name, the sunlight reflecting off the snow piled up on the mountains… none of it was there.

I realized I didn’t love the village. I loved that time.

The time I spent happily walking around the village with Seo-jun!

There were no problems back then.

There were absolutely no problems.

I didn’t have to kill people, and I wouldn’t have had any reason to destroy the village.

That was the only time I was truly happy.

No, wait, I think I was happy after leaving the research facility too.

I couldn’t smile or even say thank you properly because of the habits ingrained in me from the lab, but the time I spent with Si-hyun “unni” was definitely happy.

Why did she have to die?

And why at the hands of Seo-jun?

Hmm.

The Chairman said we had to tear down everything on this land, the buildings, the people, the society, and rebuild it.

Wouldn’t everything collapse if the people weren’t replaced?

I’m not saying we should kill everyone. I’m saying that if all the naive children who are taught to maintain and protect this society disappeared…

“Ah.”

I finally understood.

Why villains, the ones who are always defeated by the protagonists, attack schools, kidnap heroines, and do all those things.

Because if you want to end it all, you just have to get rid of the children.

It wouldn’t work as long as Seo-jun was around.

Still, the thought made me chuckle as I walked.

As a childhood friend, isn’t it my duty to leave an unforgettable memory in the place where she left me behind?

Thinking back, I really loved that village.

Enough to clean up and tidy the burned-down village, leaving only ashes.

I did get rid of the cockroaches because I hated them, but killing a few bugs wouldn’t make the village disappear.

The village remained there.

With the snow that fell in autumn and didn’t melt even when spring came, the clustered houses, now only remnants, the constant snowfall, and Seo-jun’s promise to visit me someday.

After waking up here, the first thing I did, naturally, was deny reality.

But the girl’s memories and emotions lingering in my mind, the novel I was reading just a few months ago, the small world surrounding me, and the smell of blood clinging to me quickly pulled me back to reality.

After a few days of being unable to escape this small world, committing all sorts of acts with my only self, I had no choice but to accept it.

This was a place where people lived.

Assuming I was a person.

It meant it was livable.

The lab, this place… both were livable.

Though the list of things I hated grew longer.

Memories, the cramped room, affection, the iron door in the room, reminiscences, needles, promises, sharp objects, love, blades, electricity, Si-hyun “unni”, Lee So-hyun, Seo-jun, Im Hye-yeon, the class president, the homeroom teacher, the school, me, blood, water, those struggling to live, the hospital, something I couldn’t quite remember…

And even me.

Though I wasn’t sure if I could call this me.

Still!

I looked at my reflection in a window and smiled.

I couldn’t see myself there.

Sometimes, very rarely, I could see my old self.

But now, I couldn’t see anything at all.

Shaking my head to clear the useless thoughts, I turned the people staring at me into a sea of blood flowing on the ground and headed back to the hideout.

Using the sewers as my guide, riding on a chariot of flesh.

Was there even a need to run away?

I could have just gone to her.

I felt like I was starting to understand everything.

The things I didn’t know were slowly disappearing.

Maybe it was because my feet weren’t touching the ground, since I was riding on the flesh.

“E-even now, you’re going to say… you have to capture her alive?”

Hye-yeon stared blankly at the window where Ha-rin disappeared.

“You killed… those villains who tried to capture you without hesitation… is she that special?”

An ambulance arrived.

Instead of healers, most of the people who came out were there to collect the bodies.

They picked up the scattered flesh, put it in black plastic bags, compressed them, picked up more, compressed them, repeating the process.

The sea of blood that filled the garden and hospital was slowly disappearing.

“I don’t know how special your unmentioned childhood friend is, but look outside the window.”

A man in a white hazmat suit tripped over something.

It was someone’s mangled shin, stuck to the ground, submerged in the sea of blood.

“I was watching, even if I didn’t say anything.”

“Then you should know!”

“…….”

What was there to know?

I didn’t know anything.

Except that a lot of people died, and Ha-rin did it.

“The scale is different. This isn’t terrorism or anything like they say on the news. This is a massacre, committed for fun.”

Hye-yeon grabbed me by the collar, dragged me to the wall, and shoved me against it.

She pushed me against the wall.

But it wouldn’t bring our gazes to the same level, no matter how much she pushed.

“At least terrorists say what they want, they hope for something…”

She trailed off, realizing her words were wrong.

“Anyway, she didn’t demand anything, she didn’t want anything, she just killed because she wanted to. That kiss… that smile… it was all the same.”

Her face flushed, and she gritted her teeth, furious whenever she thought about Ha-rin. A doctor came and carried So-hyun “noona” away.

I followed So-hyun “noona”’s mangled form with my eyes until she disappeared. Then my gaze met Hye-yeon’s, tears streaming from her right eye as she held me against the wall.

I sometimes thought about it.

How I hit the back of Ha-rin’s neighbor’s head with something long, I couldn’t remember what, and then, while he was on the ground, I kept hitting his head until his brains splattered on my face.

Then I took Ha-rin to the hill where the deer with clear eyes always came begging for food.

I didn’t remember anything except hitting the back of  head.

“She must want a lot of things. I don’t know much. I don’t know what happened. But…”

“What could she possibly want to do something like this? What could be so important!?”

“She doesn’t want to be alone, probably. She said she didn’t want to be alone, both in the village and when she came to find me.”

“Then why! I told her I’d be her friend!”

Her words deepened my sense of self-loathing.

I thought I was being her friend.

Like a superior bestowing a favor on an inferior.

Like I was doing her a favor by associating with her.

And that wasn’t friendship.

“……You don’t ‘do’ friendship.”

“…….”

“Don’t give me that,People died. Don’t joke around.Friendship or whatever, whether you two were in love or whatever, none of that matters.”

Hye-yeon spoke with determination.

“Don’t even think about following me next time. I won’t capture you. I’ll just kill you. Grind you into dust, so you can’t even regenerate, let alone have a grave.”

I couldn’t bring myself to nod.

This was the right reaction, but…

Maybe it was because she said it was all my fault, or maybe I truly believed it was.

I didn’t know anything.

I used to think I knew everything, that I knew where to go, what to do.