Chapter 54: Walls of the Heart

As soon as I spoke, regret washed over me, and I clamped my mouth shut.

This was the ugly truth I shouldn’t have shared with anyone.

I’d thought of my struggling friend as a burden, no different from dismissing them for their hardships. They lived a tougher life than mine, and as the one better off, I should’ve been more understanding…

They had no one but me to rely on.

“Keep going.”

Bernell tapped my wine glass, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Don’t stop. Tell me everything. I’ll listen.”

His words felt like a brick being pulled from the sturdy wall around my heart.

Crash. The bricks around it lost balance, collapsing, widening the hole. My guarded emotions flooded out like a river bursting through.

No one’s ever offered to listen like this. Bernell’s the first.

Maybe this spot held a strange magic, compelling those on the stools to spill their stories to the person behind the bar.

Many guests had shared their tales with me here.

“I…”

I couldn’t muster the strength to patch the hole in my heart’s wall. My emotions poured through, filling me until they burst out, uncontainable.

“I had a friend, a long-time friend. We met in elementary school… so, since we were eleven. Until I came here, they were my best friend—my only friend.”

Bernell’s face took on an odd expression.

“What? Surprised? I keep saying I’m not Aileen. At eleven, she couldn’t have made friends.”

Aileen fell into a lake at seven and didn’t wake for over fifteen years.

“…That’s not it.”

“Right, I’m Kongyun, so it can’t be helped. Anyway, my friend and I had similar family situations. That’s probably why we clicked.”

During parent observation days, only she and I had no one show up. That bonded us. She was timid, kind, and quietly funny.

Even when we were in different classes, we stuck together, doing everything—playing, homework—as a pair. Sometimes, she felt like a sister.

“I always listened to her troubles. I was her only friend, her only support. Her family wasn’t there for her. Her parents were the root of her pain.”

We both came from single-parent homes around the same time. She thought I’d understand her better because of it… and that’s when it started. I began carrying all her negative emotions.

As her best friend, that was all I could do. My own situation wasn’t great, so I couldn’t help her materially.

“This might make you think less of me.”

“No matter what you say, I won’t see you differently.”

“You don’t know that. Someday, you might find me annoying.”

“I won’t.”

“Well… at some point, I started feeling tired of her. When her name popped up on my phone, my heart raced with anxiety. I’d dodge her calls, claiming I was busy.”

What was wrong this time? How bad was it to call during work hours?

Our venting sessions were implicitly reserved for after work, at night. Calls during the day usually meant a crisis.

Her violent father often sent her to the hospital. Sometimes the police came, but her father was never investigated.

I stopped suggesting she tell the police or teachers the truth. I knew she wouldn’t act on it.

“Once… I saw her as a leech.”

Shocked by my own words, I tried to wash them away with wine, but my glass was empty. Without thinking, I grabbed Bernell’s half-full glass and downed it.

How could I think that? My friend…

“Why did you feel that way?”

Clink. As I bit the glass rim, savoring the wine’s aftertaste, Bernell gently slid his finger between it and my lips, taking it away.

“If you need more, ask. That’ll damage your teeth.”

“Then give me more.”

He sighed briefly and refilled the glass.

This should be my last. I was definitely drunk.

My cheeks burned, my head foggy.

“It felt like she clung to me, draining my energy instead of blood. She wasn’t my friend—she looked like a leech monster. Meeting her eyes scared me; her voice felt like a monster’s cry, making me tremble.”

“That’s heavy.”

“I was afraid if I shared my struggles, others would see me like that too. Isn’t that awful?”

If I leaned on someone, would they see me as a leech someday?

So, I rarely asked for help. If I did, I never asked the same person twice or made sure to pay them back.

I always regretted it. If I’d worked harder alone, I wouldn’t have spent money or bothered anyone.

“Anyway… I was wrong. Because I saw her that way… she’s gone.”

If I could go back, could I have stopped her death?

Because I thought of my precious friend as a leech… with such ugly thoughts…

If I could try again, I’d do better. I’d listen harder.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But you’ll be disappointed hearing this. She took her own life. She was so scared, so timid, yet jumped off a building.”

Drip, drip. My cheeks felt hot, then tears welled up.

My heart overflowed, spilling through my eyes.

I hadn’t shed a tear at her passing, hating and fearing myself for it.

I thought my ugly heart might’ve seen her death as freedom.

I’m disgusting.

Bernell’s warm fingers wiped the tears from my cheek.

“It’s not your fault. It was her choice, and you did your best until then.”

“Really? I could’ve done more.”

“At the cost of yourself? Your story shows how close to the edge you were. You’re one person—can you carry two lives, yours and hers?”

He gently loosened my grip on the glass, placing a towel in my hand.

“But…”

“Your friend’s reliance was unhealthy, disrespectful. Yet you gave her love and care. You did nothing wrong, and no one would see you asking for help as a burden.”

I didn’t know. But having someone listen and empathize felt so good. It calmed me, made me want to rely on them.

I could get addicted to this feeling. It’s… too good.

“I thought you handled work so brightly, but inside, you were twisted up.”

“I…”

Suddenly, every word I’d spilled to Bernell hit me, and I realized what I’d done.

Drunk, I’d blurted everything, things I shouldn’t have.

I was mortified.

“What have I done…”

I shot up from my seat.

“Forget everything I said. I didn’t know my drinking habit was this bad. I’ve never gotten this drunk.”

“It’s fine. I’d listen to you like this any time.”

“This must be too much…”

“It was satisfying, seeing another side of you. You can rely on me as much as you want.”

“…”

When did his tone change?

It was different from when he saw me as his sister.

My drunken mind couldn’t dwell on it.

My vision narrowed and widened, eyelids heavy, legs wobbly, face burning…

I needed to sleep now.

“I’ll clean the bar tomorrow. I need to sleep, or I’ll pass out here.”

“I’ll help. Climbing stairs like this is dangerous.”

“I can manage.”

We drank about the same, but he seemed fine. Or was I too drunk to tell?

“Really.”

I tried the stairs, misjudged the first step, and nearly fell. Bernell caught my waist, saving me from smashing my nose.

“Bbiak…” Pig-Bird whined, stirring at the noise.

“This isn’t working.”

“You’ll fall if you go alone. Am I overreacting?”

“Maybe if I crawl…”

“It’d look better if I help.”

As I reached for the stairs, he pulled me back firmly.

“You said asking for help scares you. I want to change that. Start small, get used to it. How about it?”

“Uh…”

“Ask for help. I’ll gladly do it. Come on.”

His words, like a cozy bed on a sleepy day, were tempting.

“…Help me.”

“Good job.”

Half-carried by Bernell, I made it up the stairs.

At my door, sleep overwhelmed me.

“Thank you, really. I’m glad you’re here. Even if I’m Kongyun, not Aileen… I hope you’ll stay.”

I stumbled into my room, threw myself on the bed, and as my head hit the pillow, my consciousness faded.

Employee “Bernell Abelgart” Alignment Shift Detected

I glimpsed it in my drowsiness but was too tired to check.