Chapter 63 : Ordinary Daily Life (2)

After rescuing Enhen, I mostly stopped venturing out.

It feels like I laid a lot of groundwork, pretending to prepare for war, but it all fizzled out… It wasn’t my responsibility anyway.

I’ve already protected the place where I live, and I don’t have any desire to go outside, especially since Caspar hasn’t ordered me to.

It’s not like I crave wealth and glory. I already have the wealth, at least.

Caspar hunts devils as a pastime, but that’s Caspar. It wouldn’t make sense for a pregnant woman like me to get involved in a man’s outside work.

Up until now, Caspar had to bring me along because I hated being away from him, but he can’t take care of me forever.

Yes.
Caspar wants this too.

Isn’t that obvious, seeing how he’s been keeping me at home lately? He must dislike me meddling in outside affairs. He’s undoubtedly trying to mold me into an obedient wife who stays at home, gazing only at him.

“Right?”

I looked at Caspar and asked. He avoided my gaze, looking slightly embarrassed.

Don’t even try.

I cupped his face with both hands, forcing him to meet my eyes.
I was momentarily surprised by my own forceful action, but I decided to embrace it. What’s good is good.

“…Well, your logic is flawed. Firstly, you’re pregnant, and also, because of your dependency…”

“Yes. I understand perfectly.”

I cut off Caspar’s excuses.

It might be presumptuous, but it was necessary to reclaim my freedom.

“So, you want me to sit at home and wait for you. You’re making me spend a third of my day in this neglect play. Fine. I’ll listen to you.”

Despite the sarcasm, I was sincere.
It would be agonizing, but I’d endure it for my goal.

One step back to take two steps forward, as they say.

No, I didn’t misspeak.
I wanted to diminish my…value.

The value Caspar places on me, that is.

“Agathe! That’s not what I meant. Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?”

His voice rose slightly.
The fear of being disliked, deeply ingrained in my psyche, made me flinch involuntarily.

I felt tears welling up but managed to hold them back.
The results of my training were paying off.

Did he notice?

I hope not.
I provoked Caspar out of selfishness, and it would be my fault if he got hurt.

“Caspar. You don’t need to coddle me like this. You never really did before. Why are you suddenly so overprotective?”

Caspar’s expression brightened.

Though he didn’t quite agree with my opinion, he seemed pleased that I was voicing dissent.

“Right. I agree with you, to a degree. You’re not someone who needs protection, but an independent individual. But what you’re trying to say is, don’t protect me, and don’t respect me either. Agathe. Correct?”

Ah.
If he asks like that, I can only answer one way.

“…That’s, right.”

I’m mentally ill.

Objectively, and subjectively.

So, I think Caspar’s attempts to accommodate me are misguided.

My personality flips several times a day, vacillating between extremes.

Sometimes, I want him to restrain me, but then I act like my old self because it’s what he wants.

Formal and informal speech mix in my words, and the “me” who sees Caspar as a lover coexists with the “me” who sees him as a master.

I’d probably both love and hate it if Caspar whipped me.

…No.
On second thought, I think I’d just love it.
Considering what we do at night, it’s clear.

So.
Thinking about it again, most of my identity crises stem from being pulled towards the light.

Being told to speak informally.
Being separated from Caspar.

Especially the separation from Caspar. That’s a huge blow to me.
I have to obey, since I can’t inconvenience him, but it’s an unbearable pain.

Moreover, Caspar tried to completely reverse the reason for my obedience.
Separating me not for his sake, but for mine.

Does that even make sense?

Caspar’s intentions were like asking a devout follower of one religion to convert to another.

Making them perform the same act of prayer, but to a different god.
Physically, it’s the same action, but it’s unacceptable.

Because the heart behind it is different.

One can obey verbally while acting differently in reality.
Just like I’ve been doing.

But that can only last so long.
If I openly defy him like this, Caspar will be at a loss.
That’s why he’s saying these things.

“Agathe. Honestly… I don’t understand. I just want things to go back to how they were.”

From Caspar’s perspective, I changed overnight.
Enhen had some time to adjust, but not me.

I understand, but I couldn’t back down.

Selfishly, I wanted to be comfortable.

“It’s okay if you don’t understand. You have no problem using me at night. I don’t see why you can’t do the same during the day.”

“…That’s because… you’re enticing. It’s… unavoidable. Sorry.”

I knew it.

A strange sense of pride welled up.
It meant the body I diligently cultivated was alluring enough to break Caspar’s reason.

Honestly, if Caspar had treated me like a lover at night, or if he’d been under me like before, he might have achieved his goal.

My mental state began to improve rapidly just by reuniting with Caspar.
Enough for my arrogant ego, which I’d shattered long ago, to resurface occasionally.

So, if Caspar had satisfied my hidden desires at night, my old self would have emerged more.

But Caspar is a man.
If I pretended to rebel and showed my old self, it would inevitably trigger his desire to conquer.

My former self had often tied up and teased Caspar.
Considering his reaction back then, it was unlikely he’d choose to let me have my way until I was fully satisfied.

So.
Caspar has two options left.

Either order me to revert to my old self by force, or accept “Agathe,” the obedient s*ave devoted solely to him.

Even if he chooses the first option, the moment force is involved, it becomes no different from the second.

…A dead end.

I feel guilty.

Should I be doing this?
Dare I defy Caspar’s intentions?

Moreover, it’s sure to have a negative impact on raising our child.

But as I said before, I’m mentally ill.

I’m someone who, desiring to become a s*ave who loses their freedom by rebelling against a master trying to liberate them, can threaten a kind master with a knife.

It’s no wonder Caspar is struggling with my rehabilitation.

This is troubling.

I woke up to a changed world.
I somehow adapted to the sudden shift, but the lover I cherished seemed to have broken in many ways.

“I’m fine just being by your side. Nothing else matters. I don’t care how you use me, as long as you love me.”

Agathe asked, her voice filled with anxiety.

Disillusionment washed over me.

To use someone so emotionally vulnerable for my own sexual gratification…

Should I cater to Agathe at night, like before?
She seemed to show glimpses of her old self during those times.

I thought about it every time, but knowing it was a promise I couldn’t keep, I accepted reality.
Subjected to her all-day seductions, the origins of which I couldn’t fathom, I couldn’t suppress my surging desires.

…Honestly, I don’t think I could go back to our previous relationship now, the one before we officially became lovers.

Femdom, was it?
I didn’t even want to know about it.
It’s just…not my thing.
Leaving aside the pain in sensitive areas, the humiliation was unbearable.

Thinking back, it was practically sexual torture, yet I endured it, thinking it was fine back then.

Hmm.
Now that I think about it, it was torture.
Agathe refrained from it after we became lovers, which proves it.

It makes me angry, thinking back.

“…”

Agathe sat demurely, looking up at me with pitiful eyes.
Seeing her like this, my anger dissipated, replaced by pity.

How did such a proud Queen become like this?
I needed to know.

…Now that we’re going to be married.

I fidgeted with the ring hidden in my pocket, gathering my thoughts.