Chapter 9 : Curiosity

It was the academy. I was hungover and far from okay.

Just how much had I drunk?

I couldn’t remember last night.

Racking my aching brain, all I could recall
Was Charlotte’s stern expression and warning that I should be prepared next time.

She looked serious. What had I done?

Perhaps I’d been excessively impertinent.

Even Charlotte, who was usually quite lenient towards me, had been that upset.

It wouldn’t do to be on her bad side. She was generous with drugs and alcohol, not to mention incredibly beautiful. I didn’t just dislike the idea of her being angry with me, I hated it.

I’d apologize next time I saw her. If that didn’t work, then so be it.

I stopped thinking about it. Or rather, I couldn’t think about anything else.

Something had captured my attention.
The pink-haired girl, noticing my gaze,
Approached me with a bright smile.

“Tanya, did you get home alright yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“You look pale today. Is something wrong?”

Her concern, as she leaned closer to examine me,
Felt somewhat disingenuous.

Of course, I looked pale.

I had a splitting headache from the hangover and had barely managed to make it to the academy.

But the real reason for my pallor and foul mood was Lucia herself.

More precisely, what I’d done to her yesterday.

“Tanya?”

Seeing her innocent eyes filled with endless kindness,
I was overwhelmed by an indescribable feeling.

Something wrong? It’s because of what I did to you, obviously.

And she shouldn’t be acting like this.

I was the one who’d pinned her down, touched her without permission, and almost done something irreversible.

To approach me so casually, so amicably, after all that…
I didn’t know whether to call her naive or foolish.

“Are you feeling sick? You look really pale.”
“I’m fine.”
“Tanya, should we go to the infirmary?”
“I’m o…”
“I’ll go with you.”
“…”

Infirmary, together, like yesterday. Ah.

I stopped responding.

I averted my gaze and took a step back.
My efforts were futile, as she immediately followed.

Please, don’t come any closer.

Despite my thoughts and actions,
The distance between Lucia and me continued to shrink.

I couldn’t stay here.
She was going to drag me to the infirmary.

Yesterday, I’d stopped myself before things went too far, but
If I were alone with her again, I might not be able to control myself.

I fled,
Ignoring Lucia’s question of where I was going.

…
…
…

I ended up behind the building.
Seeking the darkest corner I could find.

As the shadows enveloped me,
I felt nauseous.

And it wasn’t just the hangover, which made it worse.

I keep thinking about her. My heart races. My body yearns for her. I can’t stop looking at her. I feel a longing, a burning desire. She consumes my thoughts…

How pathetic.

As I wallowed in these dark thoughts,
I suddenly sensed a presence.

The rustling of leaves underfoot.

I thought Lucia had followed me, but thankfully, it wasn’t her.

It was someone unexpected. Or perhaps, not so unexpected.

“Karen…”

Was it just me, or was this situation similar to before?

When she’d dragged me to a secluded spot like this, warning me to behave myself and keep Lucia out of trouble.

What had I said back then?

Ah.

Something about her knowing everything too,
And maybe she was worse than me.

“Ah…”

I felt even worse than before.

Even if I hadn’t meant it,
Even if it was just to provoke her, how could I have said such a thing?

“You…”
“…”
“Don’t try anything funny.”
“Like what?”

My mind was a mess, my mood foul, but
I didn’t show it.

My expression probably remained the same.
A blank, emotionless mask, staring back at her with vacant eyes.

And Karen loathed that look.

“Don’t play dumb!”
“…”

Why was she getting angry? I was the one who should be angry.

And what was I playing dumb about? I didn’t understand what she meant.

But then,
I realized why Karen was so upset.

“Why is she interested in you?”
“She’s not.”
“Not interested? Just now…”
“So what?”
“Fine, whatever. Then why don’t you push her away?”
“…”

From her perspective,
It seemed like Karen was jealous.

Jealous of my connection with Lucia, the girl she liked.

But I’d known Karen long enough to understand
What she was really thinking.

Obvious, and predictable. She was simply
Worried about Lucia’s innocence being tainted.

At that moment,
I realized Karen admired Lucia.

Just like me.

“I’m warning you. Stay away from Lucia.”
“Why?”
“Titania…!”

She’d said my name.

A rare occurrence for Karen, who usually despised my very existence.

Her eyes burned with anger.

But only for a moment. She looked at my face, then blinked in surprise.

I didn’t know what my expression was like. Or what had surprised her.

While she was momentarily speechless,
I said calmly,

“Okay.”
“What?”
“I’ll do as you say.”

I’d stay away from Lucia.

I would have done so even without Karen’s warning.

As I’d thought before,
Lucia and I lived in different worlds.
It was foolish to try and connect.

I didn’t understand my feelings for Lucia.

Whether it was anger, inferiority,
Affection, or something else entirely.

But I knew it wasn’t simply lust or infatuation.

It was closer to curiosity.
And that made it far more dangerous.

“What are you planning?”
“Planning?”

Seriously?
Even when I agreed to do as she asked, she was suspicious.

Well, given her perception of me, it was understandable.

“Nothing.”

I knew what my curiosity could lead to.

When I realized my mother was a lesbian,
I’d acted on a whim, wanting to see what would happen if I exploited her weakness.

Despite my outward indifference, I was impulsive, and
My impulsiveness always led to bad outcomes.

And just as I had a strong desire to self-harm,
I also had a tendency to want to inflict that same pain on others.

I want to break and shatter. I want to break and shatter others.

Why are you so happy? Why are you so perfect?

It’s unfair.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say “become like me,” but shouldn’t you at least experience what I feel?

With such dark thoughts lurking within me, my involvement with Lucia could only lead to disaster.

“I’m glad you understand… but if I see you two together again…”
“I know.”
“…”

Karen seemed to have expected me to argue.
She looked rather surprised by my compliance.

I wondered what would have happened if I’d refused.

Would she have slapped me again, like last time?
That would be a bit boring.

Would she have done something worse?
Punched me? Choked me?

Or maybe, she’d actually draw the sword she always carried…

As I thought that,
My body swayed.

It wasn’t Karen. Nor was it intentional.

It was my body’s way of protesting.

Already weakened by the drug’s aftereffects, my body, overloaded with alcohol, finally gave out.

I collapsed.

Or rather, I would have collapsed.
If Karen hadn’t instinctively caught me.

She seemed startled by her own reflex, as if about to push me away, then
She paused, noticing something.

“Why are you so hot…?”
“…”

I didn’t answer.
I didn’t have the strength.

I simply clutched her clothes.

Her refreshing scent filled my nostrils,
And I instinctively buried my face in her chest.