Chapter 9: I Am Still…

On the first day of school

I hesitated outside the gates. I wasn’t ready to go in.

Parents, friends of newly awakened ability users, reporters, people handing out business cards to students in uniform…

Parents hugged their children, beaming with pride.

Some chatted with the students, their faces filled with affection.

Kids from poorer neighborhoods, there to see their friends off, not to attend themselves, seemed to stare at me.

I remembered walking Seo-jun to the school gates, always alone.

Si-hyun and I watched them, sipping iced coffee.

I had started calling her “unni” (older sister) at her request.

It felt appropriate, given our shared circumstances.

“This is my third time here,” I said.

“You said your friend goes to this school.”

“I wonder if she’s still my friend. I was slowly forgotten. She stopped contacting me altogether.”

My new phone contained only two contacts: Si-hyun and the old man, the head of the organization.

I doubted I would need them.

“You know what to do, right?” Si-hyun asked.

“Gather information on students with strong abilities, recruit them if possible, and familiarize myself with the school’s facilities.”

“That’s the official line, but I hope you can just enjoy a normal school life.”

“This isn’t a normal school.”

“That’s true.”

Students started entering the building, guided by staff.

“I should go in.”

Si-hyun pulled something from her bag and handed it to me.

“I hope you don’t need this, but I brought a two-month supply.”

A small handbag filled with white powder, pills, and unlabeled vials.

After half a year of drug-induced numbness, it had become a habit. A necessity.

Without them, I would be consumed by despair and physical pain.

I couldn’t obtain them on my own, so I relied on Si-hyun.

I popped a pill from a vial and chewed it dry. The bitter taste filled my mouth, but the creeping despair receded.

I smiled brightly, thanking her.

“Thank you, unni. I really mean it.”

For some reason, my gratitude made her face crumple. She looked like she might cry again.

I didn’t want to see that, so I hugged her for a long moment, then hurried after the students, escaping into the building.

I sat through an hour-long, meaningless speech in the auditorium, then found my assigned dorm room.

There was no sense of a new beginning, no exciting conversations with new classmates, no budding friendships.

Only curious glances and whispers.

No one wanted to talk to the gloomy-looking girl.

Yet, everyone else seemed to be making friends easily.

No one looked like they had been forced to come here.

They all seemed pleased to be attending this school.

This school had taken everything from me.

Perhaps that’s why I had been so easily forgotten.

——————–

I entered my dorm room. A luxurious bed, a chair, a desk.

The room was spacious. A large TV, speakers, even a Wi-Fi router.

I turned on the TV, flipping through channels until I found one playing music. I didn’t recognize the song.

I unpacked my meager belongings – a small handbag and a bag of clothes.

I opened a vial of white powder, poured some onto the table, and inhaled.

“Ahhh…”

The drugs eased my mind.

Si-hyun’s supply was stronger than the painkillers they used in the lab. The kind you could find on the street.

Trying to ration them, to wean myself off, was torture.

I would be consumed by despair, my body heavy and listless. Sometimes, I felt phantom pains, as if needles were piercing my skin.

Who said the world was a terrible place? It was beautiful.

Slightly distorted, perhaps, but shimmering. Painless. That was enough.

I sliced my wrist with a dagger and used the blood to change the channel, silencing the annoying music.

Pop songs, idol music, electronic, classical… I flipped through the channels until I landed on one playing jazz. I collapsed onto the pristine white bed, letting my body go limp.

I fell asleep.

I woke up to sunlight streaming through the window. Assuming it was morning, I placed a coffee stick Si-hyun had given me on top of a paper cup and went to the bathroom.

“Oh…”

My wrist was still bleeding. Usually, my wounds healed quickly.

I returned to the bedroom. The bed was soaked in blood. It looked like a murder scene. I wasn’t dizzy.

I gathered the blood and poured it into the bathtub, plugging the drain.

I would have to be more careful. The wound wasn’t closing. Perhaps a side effect of the drugs.

But I didn’t want to be depressed.

I washed quickly, wrapped my wrist in a white cloth, changed into my uniform, and checked the time.

11:00 AM.

A bit late to be considered morning.

Skipping class on the first day, after all the trouble I had gone through to get here… No, Si-hyun was the only one who would scold me.

No one else would even talk to me. I avoided their pitying glances.

I might as well be late. I made coffee, swallowed another pill, and left the room.

Si-hyun had given me a two-month supply, but I could find more. Or just endure the withdrawal.

I wasn’t an addict. Probably.

“Aren’t you… supposed to be in class?”

All eyes were on me as I entered the classroom. Perhaps I should have used the back door.

“Sorry. I got lost. It’s my first day.”

The teacher looked at me, exasperated, then sighed.

“Sit down. Even F-ranks should be punctual.”

Ability users had ranks, apparently.

Si-hyun had advised me to downplay my abilities.

Using blood to kill people might attract unwanted attention from the researchers.

So, I registered as an F-rank, claiming enhanced strength and durability.

Did ranks even matter? We were all just lab rats.

A successful experiment, a high-ranking ability user… both just livestock.

I had thought escaping the lab would solve everything, but I was wrong.

This was how I had always been treated. Even in the slums, where everyone was looked down upon.

After my parents died, it became my daily life.

The creepy neighbor, the thugs who threatened to sell me to a brothel, the bullies… and Seo-jun, always there to save me.

Not anymore.

I rested my chin on my hand, scanning the classroom.

She wasn’t there.

She wouldn’t be here. She had looked so radiant, so powerful.

Not like me, with my regenerating limbs.

Nothing had changed. Despite everything I had endured.

I hadn’t come here for this. I wanted my friend to remember me, to need me.

Perhaps… I had changed, after all.