Chapter 16: Unexpected Explanations

“Oh, right. You asked earlier if I hated what we did, didn’t you? I’ll answer you now. It was truly, absolutely awful.”

He spat out the harsh words. Recalling the man who had pressed for s*x and then doted on him under the guise of concern, his anger flared.

He had been fine with the knowledge that it was all an act, not genuine affection. After all, that was just the kind of man he was. Yet, he had never imagined there would be another ulterior motive.

“As much as I had foolishly enjoyed it earlier… now, it feels twice as wretched. You bastard.”

Though he had poured out his grievances, it hadn’t entirely eased his mind.

The man would never fully comprehend his feelings. He was a man who knew nothing of expectation or disappointment, let alone the feeling of liking someone, born a psychopath utterly devoid of emotions.

“Damn it…”

As he bit back another curse, Jung Ban-ri subtly glanced at him.

Jung Ban-ri didn’t even bother to lie that he understood ‘emotions’.

He merely toyed with the wrist that had been struck.

Watching the man, a belated throbbing pain resonated in his own wrist. The man, struck unexpectedly, must have felt it even more.

Yet, he would never understand why he had been hit, not even until his dying day. His face, silently enduring the barrage of curses, seemed strangely pathetic.

‘…As if he would have wanted to be born like that.’

It was a phrase he repeated to himself whenever the man became utterly incomprehensible.

In truth, the man had no choice. He wouldn’t have become a monster by choice.

Perhaps… the choice had been his own. He, who had known what kind of man Jung Ban-ri was, yet had still fallen in love.

If not for his own feelings, he wouldn’t have been so enraged at the man. He would have simply considered it a bad encounter and avoided him altogether. But to do so… his heart still wouldn’t allow it.

In-tae reined in his anger. Emotional outbursts held no sway over the man. Unless it was presented with concrete examples and clear rules, it would be useless.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were uncomfortable when we met during the walk?

If you had, I would have found a way to send you home—of course, I wouldn’t have been able to orchestrate it as perfectly as you did.

I couldn’t have thought to arrange a taxi like you, and I’m terrible at acting and lying. It’s true that this method was better than whispering secrets with me…

No, that’s not what I was trying to say…”

His intended rebuke got tangled. When it came down to it, was becoming Jung Ban-ri’s pawn truly the best option?

“In-tae.”

Jung Ban-ri opened his mouth again. It felt as if he was about to say, ‘See? You already know why I didn’t say anything.’ Instead of replying, In-tae quickly continued speaking.

“Wait, let me speak first. Still… Jung Ban-ri, don’t treat me like this.”

“……”

“If you need something, just say so. I’ll do whatever I can for you.”

If he had, In-tae would have understood and endured even the forced s*x in the shower and the pain that followed, all for Jung Ban-ri’s sake.

“But if there’s ever a time, like today, when you think it’s better for me not to know… then just erase me completely from your mind, whether it’s your plan or your grand scheme. Don’t deceive me.”

“……”

“If you do that one more time…”

Just imagining it made his mouth feel dry.

“Because no matter who you are, I think I’ll grow to despise you.”

He uttered words he had never once considered.

Yet, it was his own face, not Jung Ban-ri’s, that was contorted. That man, he probably wouldn’t care at all.

His attempted threat was so useless it was embarrassing.

Unwilling to let Jung Ban-ri see his ridiculous state, hurt by his own words, he turned his head towards the window.

“…So you thought you were deceived.”

The earnest reply from behind him seemed to carry a hint of soft amusement. Even though he felt nothing at all… At that moment, his shirt near his neck was tugged again.

“But, In-tae.”

He wanted to swat the hand away again. However, by an unfortunate coincidence, Jung Ban-ri’s reddened knuckles caught his eye. His unusually pale skin was prone to showing marks.

“What.”

He replied curtly. He looked at the man’s hand as if to tell him to remove it, but Jung Ban-ri merely fiddled with the fabric.

It was the utmost contact the man, who disliked touching others, would allow.

Throughout middle and high school, whenever In-tae was preoccupied with other people or tasks, Jung Ban-ri would draw his attention in this very manner.

In-tae knew that while it involved no skin-on-skin contact, it was, by Jung Ban-ri’s standards, the most intimate form of interaction.

“I arranged the taxi for you.”

“…What?”

Distracted by the touch, In-tae was slow to comprehend the man’s words. It was something he had never imagined.

“I arranged the taxi not because I was preparing for my own discomfort… but because I thought you might want to go home.”

“What… what do you mean?”

“You said you’d come back early if you weren’t having fun.”

“When did I say that?”

“The night before last.”

What conversation could they have had the day before the MT? As usual, it had just been tutoring… and s*x.

‘So, even if you miss this older brother, just bear with it a little. If it’s not fun, I’ll just come out and play with you—Ugh!’

“…Oh.”

He had said something like that when he announced he was going to the MT. It was just idle chatter, meaning nothing. Words he himself had completely forgotten.

“That’s why?”

“I prepared the taxi beforehand because I thought you wouldn’t have a way to get back once the public transport stopped. You, In-tae, aren’t very good at preparing for such situations.”

“Of course not. Who, as an ordinary person, would spend hundreds of thousands of won to arrange a taxi for an entire day…? Ha.”

Yes, Jung Ban-ri could do that. This amount of money meant nothing to him.

Ironically, such an immense favor was no different. In-tae couldn’t do it, but Jung Ban-ri could easily, so he simply did.

Like the flawless tutoring he provided daily, it felt like a thoughtful gesture to the recipient, but to Jung Ban-ri, it was utterly meaningless.

‘Wait, then was my assumption that he used me a misunderstanding?’

All those situations that had fallen into place like dominoes… were they just coincidences?

If the initial premise was overturned, then the chain of events that seemed to stem from it would inevitably break. However… he still couldn’t quite shake the uneasy feeling.

Could Jung Ban-ri truly not have prepared for his own discomfort?

“Then what were you planning to do if something unpleasant happened at the MT?”

“Endure it.”

Jung Ban-ri replied as if it were obvious. “Just… endure it?”

Of course, Jung Ban-ri had never once caused trouble at this type of school event.

Around middle school, during a field trip, minor student misbehavior and troublesome incidents occurred.

For instance, students secretly consuming alcohol and snacks, leading to messy bedding, or the barrage of questions and annoying physical contact directed at Jung Ban-ri.

Yet, Jung Ban-ri had shown no sign of displeasure towards any of it.

It was much later that In-tae realized the man was actually enduring discomfort.

During their last high school field trip, after they had become intimate, In-tae had seen Jung Ban-ri stay awake all night, eyes wide open in the pitch black as everyone else slept.

Only then did he realize that Jung Ban-ri had never once appeared tired enough to sleep on any trip. He always acted perfectly, never showing his feelings, just as he claimed.

But today was subtly different. He suddenly initiated s*x, then revealed their closeness by bringing up childhood stories, doing things that could put himself in an awkward position. Were these truly mistakes made while drunk?

It would be better to confirm than to remain uneasy. In-tae mentally organized the parts that had seemed suspicious. He tried not to sound like an interrogator, but a hint of it was unavoidable.

“Something unpleasant did happen to you today, didn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“What was it?”

“……”

“I’m not trying to gossip—”

“Because of a person.”

“……”

“Someone was really getting on my nerves.”

Someone was getting on his nerves—Jung Ban-ri didn’t specify who, but In-tae nodded at that. That would be the most Jung Ban-ri, who disliked gossip, would ever express.

“Yes, I thought so. You seemed quite displeased.”

Jung Ban-ri’s answer matched In-tae’s earlier guess at the MT.

If he had felt extreme discomfort, he might have resorted to outdoor s*x to alleviate it, fully expecting that such an outrageous act wouldn’t be discovered, given how well he knew In-tae.

“So that’s why you… suggested we go shower.”

He skirted around mentioning s*x. At that moment, Jung Ban-ri tugged a little harder on his shirt and let out a faint chuckle. It was an innocent-looking smile.

“I didn’t use you, I wanted to.”

Jung Ban-ri emphasized it again. Even if he had s*x to relieve discomfort, In-tae hadn’t considered it ‘using’ him, but hearing it reaffirmed still eased his mind further.

“I didn’t mean you ‘used’ me for that. I thought that was perfectly understandable, and I consented. That’s just how it is, isn’t it? It’s natural to want to relieve yourself in some way when you’re feeling off.”

“Exactly. And after that, everything felt fine.”

“Everything felt… fine?”

“Yes.”

The man offered a slightly more brilliant smile. Even knowing it was an act, In-tae’s heart fluttered a little. It was probably just an appropriate expression for the taxi driver glancing back at them.

In-tae continued, feigning nonchalance.

“Well, you certainly had a good time once you got back to the accommodation.”

If his discomfort had vanished after s*x, then it made no sense that he had laid all that groundwork to leave the MT.

So why, after returning to the accommodation, had he kept In-tae by his side, preventing him from getting rid of what was inside him?

“But you kept telling me to stay next to you. Why was that?”

Jung Ban-ri met his gaze directly. Then he replied as if it were the most obvious thing.

“Because you seemed to be in a lot of pain.”

As if it were naturally his responsibility to take care of In-tae.

Indeed, it had been the same a year ago when In-tae injured his ankle. Even with the Suneung [TL Note: South Korean college entrance exam] approaching, Jung Ban-ri hadn’t left his side, nursing him.

Not only that, he’d tutored him and sorted out his university applications. As In-tae pondered this sudden recollection, Jung Ban-ri added, “You cried and cried, saying you were scared to be alone when you were hurting.”

“What are you talking about? How far back are you going?”

His face flushed, and he retorted unnecessarily.

“When you were eight.”

“Ah, fine, I get it. Anyway… I misunderstood.”

Jung Ban-ri swiftly dispelled his suspicious thoughts with just a few words. And everything he said was without contradiction.