Chapter 16: Rain That Breaks Restraint

“What kind of look am I giving you…?”

He asked because he genuinely didn’t know. But Osh let out a quiet chuckle at the question and intertwined his fingers with Kebel’s. Maybe because it had been a while since they last held hands, Osh’s knuckles felt a bit thicker, rougher than before.

“Who knows… What am I even trying to do right now?”

As if answering his own question, Osh gave a hollow smile and ran a hand roughly through his hair. His red hair, contrasting with his delicate face, slipped smoothly between his fingers.

He had never once shown such a disheveled side before, so Kebel felt confused by these unfamiliar behaviors.

“…Osh.”

“Yes…”

“Did something happen?”

For a brief moment, there was a chill in Osh’s eyes. The eerie sensation made Kebel blink quickly. As if it had been his imagination, Osh’s gaze returned to its usual self. Still, his face remained shadowed, making it clear something had happened.

Those green eyes slowly closed and opened again, several times. As if suppressing something, Osh bit down hard on his lower lip, his brows furrowing like someone forcing words back inside.

Even that expression looked frustratingly handsome. Every little movement of his felt strangely stimulating today. Embarrassed by his own thoughts, Kebel brushed the inside of his cheek with his tongue.

“Do you remember the day we first met?”

A voice so soft it almost sounded sweet slipped past Osh’s lips. Having just bitten them, they looked slightly redder than usual, like ripe cherries that might taste sweet if bitten. Perhaps that thought made Kebel instinctively wet his own dry lips.

“The day I said it felt like my heart was broken… and told you to ask my heart if you were curious…”

“Ah… yeah, I remember…”

“I’m glad. I was worried you might not.”

Kebel hadn’t thought Osh would still remember those sharp, hurtful words he had used back then. Even now, they felt rude and thoughtless. He wished he had softened them just a little. With late regret, he spoke sincerely,

“I’m really sorry about that…”

“No. I didn’t say it to get an apology.”

“…Huh?”

“May I have your hand for a moment?”

Kebel answered blankly, and Osh politely asked, extending his hand with a gentle expression. Almost instinctively, Kebel placed his hand in it. As if he had been waiting, Osh gently held it and brought it to his own chest.

Kebel looked at him, puzzled. Osh’s lips curved dangerously.

“Can you feel it? My heartbeat?”

“…”

“It’s not just beating, it’s racing.”

“So what?” The words stayed swallowed. Osh’s gaze was too direct, too intense, like something burning behind his eyes. Kebel felt that if he heard what came next, he would regret it.

So he cut him off.

Firmly.

“I’m sorry.”

A simple, clean word left his lips. Just two syllables, yet heavy with meaning, carrying countless emotions within them. Unable to face Osh’s reaction, Kebel lowered his gaze to the ground.

But no response came.

He wished Osh would say something, anything, but his lips remained closed. Unable to stay like that, Kebel finally looked up again.

“Um, Os-”

It happened in an instant.

A heavy thud of a heartbeat, and it felt like his breath stopped.

Why was Osh looking at him like that? Nothing had collapsed, yet his eyes looked like someone who had just faced utter despair. Completely empty, just like the first time they met.

That emptiness hurt Kebel’s chest.

But there was nothing he could say. He had already decided not to grow attached to him anymore. So all he had to do was turn around and leave.

That should have been enough.

But his body wouldn’t move.

Osh’s slumped shoulders looked so pitiful that Kebel felt an overwhelming urge to hug him. But if he gave in now, this would just keep repeating.

‘Get a grip, Kebel. You can do this.’

“…Haa.”

With a short sigh, Kebel hardened his expression. Forcing an awkward smile, he spoke slowly and clearly,

“I’ll get going now. You should head back too.”

Without waiting for a reply, he quickly turned and walked toward the carriage. It felt like Osh might follow him, or worse, that he himself might turn back and embrace him. So he hurried, climbed into the carriage, and ordered it to leave.

Even as he got in, Kebel held his breath, sitting rigidly upright. Only when the carriage jolted forward did he finally exhale and slump slightly, gripping his trembling hands with the other.

“…Haa. Good job. You did well…”

Even saying it out loud didn’t make him feel better. His chest felt heavy, like he had abandoned a puppy by a riverside. If he had pushed Osh away firmly from the start, it wouldn’t have hurt this much.

With that lingering regret, Kebel covered his face with damp hands, then roughly loosened his cravat.

****

After that, Osh came to see him every single day.

And every time, Kebel refused to meet him, as if he had truly hardened his heart. A day, two days, a week passed. Thinking it couldn’t go on like this, Kebel ordered that Osh not be let inside.

He thought that would hurt his pride enough to make him stop coming.

But Osh was still Osh.

Even if he lacked emotion, it seemed he had no pride either. He stood outside the estate every day, waiting before eventually leaving. Kebel grew anxious, it felt like this would not only cause rumors, but also harm Osh in many ways.

“Honestly…”

Muttering under his breath, Kebel closed the book he was reading. Seeing Osh like that didn’t sit well with him either. With a small sigh, he stood up. The sky, which he hadn’t noticed while lost in thought, was now gloomy, as if it might pour rain at any moment.

Surely he wouldn’t stay out there in the rain… He’d go home, right?

Trying to convince himself, Kebel turned away from the window. Yet Osh kept coming to mind. Pressing his temples, he tried to push the thoughts away. Still, a dull headache throbbed, his body feeling heavy, so he rang the bell.

Soon, with a knock, Bill entered.

“Bill, prepare some bathwater.”

“Yes, young master.”

At times like this, Kebel appreciated Bill’s personality, never asking questions, never prying. It was strangely comforting.

Out of habit, Kebel started toward the table, then changed direction toward the chair. Sitting down heavily, exhaustion clear on his face, his dry gaze drifted to the table.

From this angle, he used to be able to see Osh’s portrait. But now, it was gone, locked away deep in a drawer.

“I should put something else there tomorrow…”

Resting his head against his hand, he murmured.

In the silence, where even breathing sounded loud, a soft tapping noise began. Raindrops traced lines against the window, one by one.

“He’s gone by now… right?”

‘No, he must have. Don’t think about it.’

He kept repeating it like a mantra.

Then the rain grew heavier.

The sound against the window became loud and relentless. They said rain calmed the mind, but for Kebel, it only made him more restless, like sitting on thorns. His leg trembled slightly as proof.

Endure it. Be patient, Kebel.

He shut his eyes tightly, so hard that wrinkles formed around them. But it didn’t last long. His eyes snapped open again, and he stood abruptly, moving quickly to the window.

‘Surely he’s not still there… Please, let him have gone.’

With desperate eyes, Kebel looked outside.

At that moment, there was a knock, and Bill entered.

“Young master, the bath is rea-”

“Damn it!”

Startled by Kebel’s harsh tone, Bill’s eyes widened. Kebel, his face dark and frightening, snatched the towel from Bill’s hands and rushed out the door.