Chapter 1: Scars and Shadows

“Whoa! Lee Jaehoon! Jin Gyuhyun! Sung Hyunjae! Park Seungwon! I’ll love you forever!”

In pitch-black darkness, dozens of lights shone on a single stage.

The crowd packed inside watched with tense eyes, afraid to miss even one movement or word.

On stage, after a performance had already ended, the others and I were soaked in sweat.

Among them, I was panting but smiling happily, looking like someone who had everything.

At that moment, a hand reached out from beside me.

His friendly shoulder hug made me flinch and tremble.

It was such a tiny movement no one would have noticed.

Except for the other members on stage.

But only for a moment.

Unable to hide my excitement from the fans’ cheers, I started smiling brightly again.

Like an idiot.

If I could touch myself right now, if this were real, I’d run onto the stage and punch that stupid face.

I wanted to shout, “What are you so happy about?”

Of course, after that I’d be dragged out by security and end up at the police station.

That evening’s news and articles would be all about me.

“Crazy X who rushed the Best Four Concert of the top idol.”

Of course, I am that member.

A hollow laugh escaped at the absurd fantasy.

My heart stung, and I clenched both fists.

I knew it was a dream, knew it wouldn’t change, but today I shouted again.

“Stop! It’s not too late if you stop now! Please, stop!”

My voice, which no one could hear, scattered into the air.

Standing over there, I was still smiling, like an idiot…

Then suddenly a woman’s booming voice, almost a scream, echoed through the concert hall.

“Park Seungwon, I’ll love you forever! I love you!”

How did I feel back then?

Ah, I think I was just happy.

I innocently believed those words.

It felt like I had someone on my side, and my heart ached.

As if anyone in the world was on my side.

Watching that happy time from now, a tear fell from my eye.

So I still have tears left.

I laughed hollowly and thought calmly.

Biri-ring, biri-ring.

I opened my eyes.

Ah, that dream again…

I felt drained from the morning.

But it wasn’t the first or second time I’d had this nightmare, and I’d long grown used to this lethargy.

I turned my neck around my stiff body and yawned.

The cheers from the dream still seemed to ring in my ears.

Maybe because I’d read until late and slept only three hours, my body felt heavy.

And to have that dream now.

I frowned and glanced at the clock beside me.

It really was time to get up.

Ah, I really don’t want to go.

I pushed my fallen bangs back with my hand and gathered my annoyed feelings.

Even in the short time it took to get out of bed, my sleep-deprived body seemed to cry for more sleep.

I pushed the noisy phone alarm off.

I stretched and slowly entered the bathroom.

I stared blankly at the mirror above the sink.

Really, I look terrible.

It’s always like this.

After that dream, I unconsciously cried, so when I woke up the next day my eyes were swollen.

“I’m a real monster. Seriously.”

To avoid recalling the remnants of the dream, I splashed cold water on my face several times.

Maybe because the weather was still chilly, my face stung from the cold water.

Still, thanks to that, my swollen eyes seemed to return to normal a bit.

My blurry vision cleared, and I finally felt fully back in reality.

I wiped my wet face and looked up.

My reflection was in the mirror.

I ran a wet hand through my glossy black hair once.

Thanks to my thick aegyo-sal, my face was far from masculine and looked younger than my age.

When I was a trainee, I used to practice expressions in the mirror like this.

Thinking back, I wasted time on useless things.

Now only I existed in the mirror, with empty eyes.

I washed roughly and came out.

It was already 7:30.

I’d dawdled and time had flown.

To get to school, I was a bit short on time.

Deciding to skip breakfast again, I headed to the front door, then opened the fridge with slight regret.

Only a bottle of water rolled with a clatter.

A small sigh escaped.

I like arriving at school just in time.

I don’t want to make any time at school outside of class.

Even if I told myself not to care, it wasn’t easy to ignore their cold, mocking stares during every break.

I am the only Asian in this school.

I heard there used to be a few Asians, but none lasted long.

When I transferred here, I heard there were groups betting on how long I’d last.

They apparently bet I wouldn’t last a week, but they didn’t win.

I’d already been at this school over eight months.

Maybe bitter about losing the bet, they didn’t forget to look at me with even more contempt.

I took my textbook from my locker and entered the classroom.

Today again I felt the unwelcome stares pouring on me as I walked to my seat.

I glanced at them from the corner of my eye.

They were whispering and laughing as usual, but something was different.

They seemed a bit more excited.

I thought not to care and walked faster to my seat.

And when I saw my desk, I immediately understood why they were so excited.

They probably wanted to see how I’d react.

They’d never done something this childish before.

I was left speechless looking at my desk.

I stared at my desk expressionlessly, then frowned.

Fred, who had been watching with the happiest face, threw his head back and laughed, holding his stomach.

“Look at that Chink’s frown. How is it? Do you like my gift?”

So it was Fred.

No wonder he looked more pleased after checking my face.

I relaxed my expression and let out a small sigh.

At the sigh, Fred laughed even louder, mockingly, as if he’d die from lack of breath.

He seemed so proud of himself that he started bragging to Sally next to him.

At first Fred only gave me contemptuous looks like the others.

But for some reason, his actions grew bolder and more extreme.

When I didn’t react, I thought he’d get bored and stop, but instead he seemed to find more excuses to tease me and hovered around me more often.

I looked down at my desk quietly, then squatted in front of it and started peeling off the tape.

Ding-di-di-ding.

The class bell rang.

I looked at the tape I hadn’t finished removing and sighed softly.

Fred, who had good ears, burst out laughing again.

He could at least tone it down.

Wanting to finish quickly, I was hurriedly peeling the tape when the classroom door opened and the teacher came in.

Anyone could see there was a problem with me squatting and peeling tape, but the teacher just glanced once and frowned, not saying anything.

I already knew that frown wasn’t because I was being bullied but because the tape-peeling noise was annoying, so I peeled carefully and quietly.

When class started, students with open books looked at the board, then glanced at me.

Their eyes seemed to expect that I might finally get angry or shocked and run out crying.

But I just quietly focused on cleaning my desk.

Getting angry wouldn’t change anything anyway.

I wasn’t going to leave this place, and I had to be here.

This was the last refuge I’d chosen when I was pushed to the edge.

Their contempt and teasing didn’t really hurt me much, honestly.

Maybe I’d been through it so much I’d grown numb.

Centrals School was a long-established place for America’s wealthy.

So everyone knew its students were proud and full of themselves.

Because of that, no matter how rich, it was hard for an Asian to survive here.

That was why Centrals was the number one school Asians avoided.

I heard Asians who entered this school, if things got bad, suffered mental illness, or at best left Centrals with their pride crushed.

When I happened to hear that, I decided to attend this school.

If it was a school Asians avoided, that meant a school with no Asians.

That was true then and now, but especially back then I didn’t want to run into any Asian.

I was afraid someone might recognize me, or I might meet someone I knew.

I thought it was better to be despised just for being Asian.

Baseless contempt couldn’t dig deeper into wounds that were already deep.

The fact that I had no one on my side wouldn’t change here or anywhere.

I didn’t particularly want anyone on my side.

As much as I received from them and trusted them, it eventually turned to evil and came back as wounds.

I was afraid it would repeat.

If it happened one more time, I’d truly lose my grip on sanity.

I would keep living like this.

Believing only what I saw and heard, living alone like now, and I wouldn’t get hurt anymore.

The boring class ended and it was lunchtime.

I could finally escape Fred, who had shaken the tape and teased me throughout class.

I picked up my card to swipe at the cafeteria entrance and stood up.

I didn’t plan to go to the cafeteria right away.

To avoid the persistent stares, I had to get my food as late as possible.

In the past I wouldn’t have cared.

To think I’d avoid someone’s gaze like this.

In Korea, others’ attention on me was natural.

Even before debut, because I was a trainee, men and women alike flocked around me, and I wasn’t afraid of such attention like now.

If my friends from then saw me now, they’d laugh and enjoy it.

Thinking absentmindedly about the past, I left the classroom and bumped into someone entering.

I rubbed my tingling nose and looked up.

Raymond stood there, someone I seemed to see for the first time this week.

He rarely came to school, and I’d never spoken to him nearby, so it was my first time seeing up close the face everyone admired.

As I lost myself in his dazzling bright, smooth blond hair, Raymond frowned his handsome face and looked down at me.

I snapped to my senses.

“Ah, sorry.”

Not knowing what to say in the sudden situation, I apologized plainly.

“Whatever. Move.”

At Raymond’s curt answer, I shrugged and stepped back.

As soon as I confirmed Raymond went into the classroom, I went out to the hallway.

He often appeared on TV and I sometimes saw him passing by, but up close he was more handsome than I thought.

I wasn’t short, but I had to look up at him, and even his body was good.

I understood why girls were crazy about Raymond.

Raymond was one of the few students who didn’t look at me with contempt.

No, it was more accurate to say he simply wasn’t interested.

His indifferent, slightly condescending tone was the same for everyone, not just me.

Centrals students always tried to get close to Raymond, who had outstanding looks and a top-tier family.

But Raymond always looked annoyed at people approaching him.

Because of that, only a handful spoke to him directly, but his popularity never cooled.

The reason was simple.

Even without his family, he was a very attractive person.

He was a former Hollywood child actor and still a top actor.

Recently he’d ranked first as the star people most wanted to meet at least once and first as the man they wanted to date.

His popularity was so great that no one in Korea didn’t know Raymond.

Looking at him, I naturally thought heaven was unfair.

How could one person be given everything so perfectly?

Walking with useless thoughts, I soon arrived at the cafeteria.

From the entrance, a savory smell rose.

I rubbed my stomach once and swiped my card at the door.

It opened automatically.

The stronger food smell stung my nose.

Again today, as if I were an animal in a cage, people murmured and glanced back at me.

I ignored the whispering and looked at the display case with food models.

Number 1 was a Western course, number 2 was a Japanese course.

Both looked delicious.

After pondering, I walked toward set 1 because the dessert appealed more.

On a stressful day like today, a sweet dessert mattered.

I quickly got my food and sat in the farthest corner.

It was a seat where I could avoid people’s stares unless they deliberately came over.

I was just about to cut the steak and bring it to my mouth when Fred, George, and Mason came up to me.

Did I have to be teased even while eating?

I held back a sigh and looked up at Fred.

“What do you want?”

Fred, scanning me up and down for something to tease, stopped his eyes on the steak.

He sneered with a mocking face.

“Chink, are you pretending to be Western now? It’s really sad when you can’t eat what you want.”

Pretending to be Western?

At his incomprehensible words, I made an absurd face and put my fork down.

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean? You’re pretending to be Western, so you can’t eat your homeland food even when it’s right in front of you.”

“Homeland food?”

“That Japanese set over there. It’s all your homeland food.”

I was so dumbfounded I unconsciously frowned slightly.

Seeing that, he seemed amused and his smile grew.

Oops, I need to control my expression.

I quickly smoothed my frown.

“Um, I’m not Japanese. I’m Korean.”

At my words, Fred shrugged with an annoying look.

He was tall with a manly face, but his expressions were so despicable.

“Japan or Korea, Asia is all the same Asia, isn’t it? Chink.”

He probably knew it was a stretch.

He just wanted to see my annoyed expression.

Suddenly I wondered why I was even answering such nonsense.

I turned my eyes from him to my plate.

When I showed I was ignoring him, he took a step closer as if to argue.

Then:

“That’s not right. Saying all Asian homeland food is the same? What logic is that? Isn’t that a very ignorant statement?”

I turned at the sudden voice.

A friendly-looking brown-haired man approached.

He had a sturdy build and looked quite tall.

About 185 centimeters, since he seemed similar in height to Fred in front of me.

Fred’s pride seemed hurt by the man’s words, and he glared with a slightly red face.

“What are you! Why interrupt when people are talking? Ignorant! Are you talking to me?”

“I call someone ignorant when they don’t know their own ignorance.”

The man also seemed upset and spoke in a slightly lower voice.

Ah, was this going to get annoying?

I had a bad feeling.

Fred was about to clench his fist in anger when the cafeteria door opened and teachers came in.

Only then did I relax and loosen my tense body.

“Oh, it’s the teachers.”

At my words, Fred turned around, glared once more at me and the man behind me, then walked out of the cafeteria.

George and Mason hurried after him.

The man shot a sharp look at Fred’s back, then spoke to me.

“Can I sit here?”

It was the first time someone at this school asked to sit in front of me first.

I was so taken aback I just stared, and he smiled brightly and sat in the seat across from me.

“Hi, I’m Dylan.”

“Oh, I’m Seungwon.”

“Don’t take that kid’s words too seriously. There’s always at least one person who feels superior by putting others down. It’s really pathetic.”

I wanted to say, ‘It’s not just one person. It’s the whole school.’

But I swallowed it.

“What country are you from?”

“Korea.”

“Ah, Korea. My old school had them too. There were Japanese and Koreans, but Chinese were the most.”

“You came from another school?”

“Yeah. I transferred a week ago. I played rugby continuously, but I hurt my leg, so my father said to focus on studying seriously this time…”

His expression turned gloomy for a moment.

Unlike his scattered big frame, he was expressive, which was kind of cute.

I smiled slightly.

It was the first time I’d met someone at this school who treated me as a person without racism.

It was strange and new.

But this would only last a moment.

After a few more days here, he’d become like the other students.

People assimilate to what the majority does and eventually accept it as natural.

I felt bitter for no reason.

I glanced ahead and saw he was staring at me intently.

“What?”

“Nothing, just your smile…”

“Huh?”

“It’s pretty.”

“What?”

I made a baffled face at the unexpected words, and Dylan scratched his head and laughed, perhaps embarrassed.

Hearing “pretty” from a guy wasn’t welcome at all.

It felt like I was being teased.

“What grade are you in?”

“I’m 12th grade. You?”

At my words, Dylan’s eyes widened in surprise.

When I looked at him as if asking why, he smiled slightly.

“I’m 11th grade. I thought you were younger than me. I knew most Asians look young, though.”

“I see.”

I shrugged.

Dylan glanced at his wristwatch.

“Oh, is it already this late?”

At his words, I looked around and most students had already left the cafeteria.

“It was nice meeting you today. I’ll get going.”

I gave a simple greeting and stood up.

Dylan stood up too.

“Want to have lunch together tomorrow too?”

When I didn’t answer right away, Dylan seemed to think I’d refuse and spoke again.

“I’ll come at this time tomorrow.”

I nodded at Dylan’s words.

I watched him leave the cafeteria for a moment.

Opening my heart to others was still frightening.

I knew that as much as I opened it, it would come back as wounds.

I let out a small sigh and walked to class.

Come to think of it, Fred had left angry earlier.

Would he do another childish prank as revenge?

I felt a little worried.

As soon as I entered the classroom, I expected Fred to glare at me with murderous eyes, but unlike my expectation, he looked very busy trying to win Raymond’s favor.

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