Chapter 5: Whispers of the Past

At my answer, Sophia and Matthew asked at the same time, looking bewildered. They seemed unable to believe that someone could live these days without internet or TV. I understood how they felt. Back when I was in Korea, I couldn’t even imagine living without internet and TV. If you didn’t know recent news, it was hard to join group conversations.

But when the incidents and scandals I used to enjoy watching became my own story, nothing was more terrifying. When I turned on the internet, everyone was talking about me. When I turned on the TV, only my face appeared, wearing an expression like I had committed a crime. Surrounded by countless reporters, bowing my head in a miserable state, that image still came to me in dreams and tormented me.

After that, I stopped watching both the internet and TV. Of course, a lot of time had passed, and I didn’t think people would still be gossiping about me. The entertainment world debuts dozens of people a day and new incidents break out constantly. But fear you’ve experienced once doesn’t easily disappear.

Avoiding media altogether, humans are adaptable animals, and I got used to it in my own way. So I had thought I was fine all this time, but apparently it looked very strange to others. Even Raymond, who had been looking only at his script like he didn’t care, was staring at me as if I were a bizarre person.

“So what do you use your smartphone for?”

“…An alarm clock.”

At my answer, Matthew stared at me like I was even stranger, but soon nodded as if he accepted it.

“Right. Well, there are all kinds of people in the world. Ah, you came to help me with my work, right? Then first, gather the documents I give you and staple them together.”

I had suddenly become an odd person, but I had no choice but to nod.

Sophia finished her coffee and said she had to get back to work, then returned to her office. It was about two hours after I started helping Matthew organize documents. The silence had settled as we focused on our work, and Matthew broke it by standing up from his desk chair.

“Aren’t you hungry? Want to eat something first?”

I nodded immediately at Matthew’s words. I had actually been feeling empty in my stomach for a while. Then Matthew looked at Raymond.

“Raymond, you’re eating sandwiches today too, right?”

Raymond, who had been reading his script, gave a small nod. As if he had expected that, Matthew turned his head toward me.

“About the cafe you went to yesterday. Their sandwiches are healthy ones, very fresh and delicious. You’d like them too. Raymond is picky, so he won’t eat anything but their sandwiches.”

“Oh, I tried that place yesterday too. It was really good. Especially the crab one.”

“Oh, really? So you bought one yesterday too?”

“Not exactly. Raymond left two pieces, so I ate those…”

Once I said it, I wondered if I shouldn’t have. I scratched my head, worried he might think it was pathetic to eat someone else’s leftovers. Ever since the internet and TV talk, he seemed to see me as a bit unusual. I glanced at him, and Matthew’s expression had changed strangely.

“What? Raymond did? Really?”

Matthew asked him with a peculiar expression, but Raymond only furrowed his brow and didn’t give much of an answer.

“Raymond giving food to someone else. That’s a first.”

Matthew repeated “Amazing, amazing” with a surprised look. He seemed to think Raymond had kindly given me food, so I quickly spoke to correct him.

“Oh, it wasn’t that Raymond gave it to me. He left it to be thrown away, and I just ate it.”

The more I spoke, the more pathetic I felt, so I gave an awkward smile.

“Huh? That’s strange. He starved all day yesterday, so he must have been really hungry.”

My explanation didn’t seem to clear up his confusion, and his peculiar expression barely changed.

“Stop muttering and go buy the sandwiches.”

Only after Raymond scolded him with an annoyed tone did Matthew stop muttering and leave the office, saying he would be right back. Unfortunately, my silent cry not to leave me alone didn’t reach Matthew.

After I finished showering, I checked the clock. It was almost nine. I roughly dried myself with a towel and took pajamas from the closet. Maybe my body had gotten used to working after a few days, because my arms no longer ached when I came home.

Feeling a sense of liberation I hadn’t felt in a long time, I flopped face down onto the soft bed. I also opened the book I had been reading and had folded over last time. There was nothing better than a book to pass the time. I was deeply absorbed in the story when…

Brrring, brrring.

The phone rang loudly. The only person who would call me was Sophia, so was something wrong? I picked up my phone and looked at the screen. I had expected a familiar name, but an unknown number was displayed. I had never gotten a call from an unknown number before, so I was a little flustered. Who is it?

The ringing didn’t stop for a long time. Deciding it was better not to answer, I stared at the phone and waited for it to stop. After a while, it finally went silent. I was relieved and about to turn back to my book. Then the phone started ringing again. It seemed like it would keep ringing until I answered, so after hesitating, I picked up.

“Hello.”

–Oh, you finally picked up. Oppa, it’s me! Lisa!

The voice from the phone belonged to someone I knew. It was Lisa. Lisa had been a colleague at the same agency when I was active as an idol, and a member of Baby Four, the younger girl group that debuted under Best Four. She was a Korean-American from the US, and within a year of debuting, she made a name for herself appearing on many variety shows with a sexy yet easygoing image, even earning the title of the nation’s little sister.

But she soon left Baby Four and quit the entertainment industry. Lisa had admired idols in the US and came to Korea to achieve her dream, but the murderous schedule and incomprehensible cultural differences stressed her severely, leaving her suffering from depression and insomnia. That alone would have been hard enough, but the decisive reason she decided to leave was being ostracized.

The other members of Baby Four, excluding her, had gone through four or five years of trainee life. But when Lisa suddenly flew in from the US and debuted just one year after becoming a trainee, they never ended up accepting her.

Because Lisa had grown up abroad, she had a poor understanding of seniority relationships, so she couldn’t understand their feelings and struggled with the constant ostracism. Seeing her suffer while unable to adapt to the culture, I felt sorry for her and took care of her a lot myself. Lisa followed me well, like I was her real older brother.

But after I left the company, we never contacted each other once. Still, not long after I left, I heard rumors that Lisa had also left the group. I roughly knew what had happened.

Lisa was the only daughter of a wealthy upper-class family in the US, and her father had opposed her going abroad to live as a trainee. But like any parent, he couldn’t break her stubbornness and eventually allowed her to debut. What happened next was obvious. When Lisa’s father learned that his only daughter was suffering emotionally abroad, he came to Korea and took her back to the US.

Lisa, who had insisted she would never go, must have decided she couldn’t hold out any longer, because she pretended to give in and left Korea. She took only bad memories with her. Her sudden call was so unexpected. So I had to check again whether she really was the Lisa I knew.

“Lisa? Lisa from Baby Four?”

–Haha, yeah. Oppa, you really were alive. How could you cut off all contact so suddenly!

“More importantly, Lisa, how did you get my number?”

Lisa’s voice was excited, as if she was happy to talk to me after so long, but I felt the opposite. The appearance of a connection I thought I had cut off left me beyond baffled, half dazed.

–Oh, I saw the news that you were in the US, so I asked someone I know to find your number.

“News? What news? Who knows I’m in the US?”

–Huh? What are you talking about. The internet is going crazy right now. A photo of you riding the subway in the US was posted as an update on you, and it’s a huge hot issue. You’re number one in real-time search rankings, and all the articles are about you. You didn’t know?

At Lisa’s words, I thought of the subway I had taken every time I went to work lately. I had worn a hood pulled down low to be careful, but someone must have taken a photo without me knowing. Maybe I had let my guard down a little. Maybe I had thought it was over. But in an instant, it had turned out like this again.

Thinking that talk about me was rising and falling from their mouths in Korea again, goosebumps covered my whole body. I had thought I was mostly forgotten, but apparently not.

“My photo spread on the internet?”

–Yeah. What, you really didn’t know? Articles are still coming out. They say you’re attending Centrals School? Isn’t that a really expensive school?

“What? How do you know that too?”

–Oppa, what’s with you. Korean netizens, you know. By tomorrow, they might even find out what you ate for breakfast.

I couldn’t laugh at Lisa’s joke at all. Somehow, I felt it might really be true. I wiped my sweaty hands on my pajama pants and irritably swept back my bangs. Just as she said, Korean netizens were really fast with news. I thought it was over, I thought it was really over. There was nowhere left to run. A sense of helplessness made my chest tighten.

When I didn’t answer for a while, Lisa asked in a cautious voice.

–Oppa… you’re okay now, right?

Lisa let out a small sigh at my continued silence. I wanted to tell her, who seemed worried about me, that it didn’t hurt anymore, but my mouth wouldn’t open. I couldn’t even say I was fine as a lie. The wound still seemed too unhealed for me to speak casually. Lisa spoke in an even softer voice, as if coaxing me.

–I know. On the outside, you seem calm and strong, but you’re actually more tender and kind than anyone. But this is something you have to overcome yourself.

Her words made me wonder if I had ever been tender and kind, but I didn’t say anything about that.

–When I was having a hard time, you helped me a lot. I want to help you too.

At Lisa’s words, the tightness in my chest felt a little eased. I gave a faint smile.

“Just saying that is enough. Thank you.”

–It’s late today, so let’s talk again tomorrow.

Maybe she liked my answer, because Lisa’s voice was brighter than before.

“Okay, you get some rest too.”

–Oh, right. Oppa, a gift will arrive soon.

“Gift? What gift?”

–Something really good. Ah, my drama started. Bye!

I was about to ask what gift and tell her I didn’t need it, but Lisa hung up without listening. It was a pointless thing to say anyway. She was the type to force it into my hand no matter how much I refused, so I just prayed it wasn’t a strange gift.

I lay down and opened the book again, but my mind was already a mess, and not a single word registered.

It had already been ten days since I started working. Before I knew it, going to the company after school had become a normal routine. By now I had gotten used to the work, and the burden had lessened, making it easier to do.

In the meantime, I ran into Raymond seven times out of ten days. We had rarely spent long periods together, but I had come to accept him as a matter of course. Sophia complained that he was suddenly showing up to stamp in at the office he never used to come to, but she only got a cold look from Raymond.

When I finished cleaning the office on the tenth floor and went up to the eleventh, he was again sitting on his usual sofa with his legs crossed, reading a script. But Matthew, the actual owner of the office, was nowhere to be seen.

“Where did Matthew go?”

Raymond glanced at me and answered.

“He’s working outside today, so he won’t come.”

I nodded at Raymond’s words, picked up the broom, and walked toward the desk. Being alone with him didn’t feel as awkward as before, but it was still uncomfortable. As I swept under the desk with the broom, something I had been curious about came to mind.

Why does he always come here to read scripts instead of doing it at home where it’s comfortable? I debated whether to ask, then decided I might as well ask instead of wasting time wondering.

“But… why do you come to the office to read scripts?”

Without taking his eyes off the script, he answered.

“Because there’s no one at home to play the opposite role for me.”

Hmm, does Raymond live alone? Or are his family members busy? Asking that far felt like prying into his private life, so I asked something else.

“Matthew plays the opposite role for you?”

“Whenever he has time between work.”

According to Sophia, Raymond had been coming to the company often lately. Did that mean Matthew hadn’t been playing the opposite role before? Maybe he read the dying curiosity on my face, because Raymond answered before I asked.

“My manager used to play the opposite role for me, but I fired him, so now Matthew has no choice but to do it instead.”

“Oh, but isn’t it hard to work without a manager?”

“I’m on a break right now.”

His words puzzled me. A break? That meant he had no filming. I had seen Raymond often at the office, but he had come to school only three times in ten days. I had assumed he wasn’t coming because of a busy schedule.

“A break? Then why aren’t you coming to school?”

Raymond slightly furrowed his brow, his eyes asking why I was asking something so obvious.

“Because I don’t want to go.”

His confident answer left me speechless for a moment. But I soon nodded. Right, it was different from my reason, but he always drew a lot of attention at school. It must be burdensome. He didn’t seem like the type to enjoy people’s sycophantic stares.

At the same time, I was surprised he answered more kindly than I expected. At school, whenever someone tried to talk to him, all I ever heard him say was “get lost” or “move,” so I had thought talking to him would be harder. I looked away from him and was about to pick up the broom I had leaned against the desk. Then Raymond suddenly called me.

“Come here.”

“Huh? Me?”

At the unexpected call, I looked at him and asked. Was he calling me? Of course, I was the only one here he could be calling… but why suddenly?

“Play the opposite role for me.”

His demand was so confident, as if he hadn’t even considered refusal, that I stared at him blankly with a bewildered expression.

“…Why me?”

“Because Matthew isn’t here.”

I wanted to argue, “That’s why I’m asking why me!” but Raymond wiggled his fingers as if he couldn’t be bothered to say more. I had no choice but to lean the broom against the desk again and plop down beside him. Raymond took out another script from under the table in front of the sofa. It was probably the script Matthew used when he played the opposite role.

He tossed the script to me. Thinking he was so kind to give it to me, I looked inside. It was the same script I had read in Sophia’s office last time. Raymond tapped his own script.

“Page 125.”

I wondered why on earth I was sitting here, but he frowned as if my slow movements annoyed him, so I automatically became cautious. I quickly opened to page 125. Raymond looked at the script and explained the roles.

“Here, Zachary is my role. You read Noah’s part.”

At Raymond’s words, I looked at the lines marked Noah. It was still a smaller part compared to Zachary’s. That was a relief.

“I can’t act.”

“I’m not expecting acting. Just read.”

His indifferent words, as if he couldn’t care less, made a small surge of anger rise in me. I wasn’t going to say anything, of course, but I did have acting experience, and I hadn’t even shown him anything yet. It felt like he was dismissing me too much.

Back when I took acting classes as a trainee, my own evaluation of myself had been pretty decent. After debut, I had also appeared in a few dramas in supporting roles, and viewer reactions weren’t bad.

Around the time I had gotten hooked on acting, I received a call from a famous screenwriter, Writer Oh Yeon-suk. She wanted to cast me as one of the double leads in a film, and soon sent me the script.

My role in the script was the son, and the father had already been cast as Senior Gong Ho-jun. Senior Gong Ho-jun was a middle-aged actor in his late forties, famous for his godlike acting and known as a national actor. A film with the best actor and the best writer. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep and read the script quickly in one day.

The story was excellent, as expected. I fell deep into the script, and the desire to take this role filled my whole body. I read the script over and over until it was worn ragged, waiting only for their call.

But in the end, no call came. The role I had desperately wanted went cruelly to Lee Jae-hoon, a member of my own group. The disappointment from back then was indescribable. It felt like everything was collapsing.

As expected, the film surpassed ten million viewers and was a huge success, and he was called Lee Jae-hoon, the ten-million actor, receiving a lot of love. Thinking of that time still left a bitter feeling.

It wasn’t because I was jealous of the title of ten-million actor or the love he received. The thrill that had bloomed when I read the script, and my greed for that role, must have unknowingly grown little by little each time I reread it. The regret that came to me was that great. After that, I focused only on music and didn’t do any other acting at all.

And this was my first acting since that day. It wasn’t a proper set, but it was enough to make me fall into a strange sentiment. I looked at the script silently for a moment, then delivered the first line.

“Zachary, there’s no time. The building is going to collapse soon.”

I spoke in a hurried voice to match the situation, and Raymond glanced at me. What was that? Was I that bad? Or did my pronunciation sound strange? As all sorts of thoughts ran through my head at this challenge after so long, Raymond’s next line came out.

“I still haven’t found Jane.”

“At this rate, we’ll be crushed in the building too. We’re all going to die! Don’t you understand?”

“I can’t leave Jane behind!”

“Please, Zachary. Think calmly. Do you think this is what Jane would want?”

“You get out first. I’ll bring Jane.”

“…The central pillar supporting the building has broken. Don’t you understand? It wouldn’t be strange if it collapsed in minutes, no, right now!”

“Go to Zeist Plaza with Ren first.”

“Fine, do whatever you want. I don’t care if you get crushed to death!”

“I’ll go back to the room.”

“…”

I was supposed to read the next line, but when I stayed silent, Raymond, who had been looking at the script, raised his head as if asking why I wasn’t reading.

“Isn’t that too much like you’re the only good person?”

When I grumbled with a sullen face, he furrowed his brow as if dumbfounded. Then he lowered the script he was holding.

“It’s acting.”

“Still. It makes me look like the only bad guy.”

At my words, Raymond let out a small sigh. Then he explained and analyzed the role in detail so that I, who didn’t know Noah well, could understand him.

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