Chapter 8: Echoes of Music and Unspoken Shadows

It was when I had been wandering aimlessly for a while. In the grassy field, the class had already gathered in a circle and were drawing each other. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. Today especially, I felt like I was the only one left out. Feeling needlessly lonely, I turned around and entered the botanical garden I always visited. If nothing else, I planned to just draw flowers again.

The botanical garden was quiet again today. Students rarely came here, so it was a good place to be alone. It was also one of the few places at school where I could feel at ease. I gave the familiar scenery a quick look, then walked toward the back where many roses were in bloom. Then I saw a familiar back and stopped.

“Oh.”

Raymond turned around at the sound I let out without thinking.

“Raymond, why are you here?”

“Because I don’t like people drawing my face.”

Raymond answered with an indifferent expression. Right, if it was draw-each-other, everyone would want to draw Raymond. They probably wouldn’t leave him alone. But I felt a little disappointed. Still, I thought we’d gotten much closer lately, so it would be nice if we could draw each other.

“That’s too bad. It’d be nice if we could draw each other.”

The words I had only thought inside slipped out because I felt regret.

“……”

I glanced at him, thinking I’d made a mistake, but unexpectedly Raymond gave no answer. I wondered if I was bothering him when he wanted to be alone, so I turned to leave.

“Where are you going.”

“Huh? I was going to go back to school. I thought I’d draw Lisa or Dylan’s face in time for break.”

My words changed his expression, as if he was debating something.

“Sit. Drawing each other. Let’s do that.”

“Oh, really? I can draw you?”

No answer came, but it seemed like tacit permission. I was happy to have someone to draw, so I smiled brightly and sat in front of Raymond. With gratitude, I took out a pencil and sketched carefully, stroke by stroke, drawing Raymond’s face with all my effort. He began drawing my face too.

As we faced each other and focused on drawing, I naturally observed his face. He really was handsome. I stopped my hand for a moment and stared at him. Maybe he felt my gaze, because Raymond’s eyes, which had been on his sketchbook, turned to me. Our eyes met. Flustered, I quickly lowered my head and started moving my hand again.

I slowly drew his clear emerald eyes that shone prettily and his sharp, straight nose. Finally, to draw his lips, I stared at Raymond. Wait, were Raymond’s lips always that red? I blankly stared at his lips, which looked soft.

“Are you done?”

“Huh? Oh, just a moment. Just a little more and I’ll be done!”

Startled by the sudden voice, I flinched. He didn’t notice my impure gaze, did he? A pointless sense of shame rose. ‘What did I just do? I looked at a man’s lips and thought they were pretty!’ I hurriedly drew his lips roughly and finished. Raymond seemed to have finished too, because he was looking at me.

“Let me see.”

“……What?”

“I said let me see what you drew.”

“Then show me yours too.”

Raymond hesitated at my request, then held out his sketchbook. I took it and handed him mine. Looking at Raymond’s drawing, I couldn’t help but admire it. His drawing skills were considerable. In the picture, I was absorbed in sketching, captured exactly as if in a photograph.

Maybe he drew me better-looking than I am? I liked it so much I wanted to take it home. To draw me this well. Grateful, I looked up at him to thank him. But unlike me, Raymond’s face was twisted fiercely.

His eyes were on my drawing. I had done my best…… He must not like it. I felt a little intimidated by his expression.

“Actually, I don’t have much talent for drawing.”

Raymond’s expression twisted further.

“……A little?”

“Huh?”

“Who is this?”

“What do you mean? It’s not a good drawing, but this is definitely you.”

At my answer, Raymond slammed my sketchbook down on the floor and stood up, holding his own drawing that I had been holding. He left the botanical garden after one last word.

“Don’t go around telling anyone that’s me.”

I let out a small sigh at Raymond’s words. Was my drawing that strange? I picked up the drawing on the floor and looked at it again. ……I felt a little sorry toward Raymond.

It seemed class was about to end, so I got up. I checked the time and saw only ten minutes were left until break. I quickened my pace and entered the classroom. Most of the students had already returned and were submitting their sketchbooks to the teacher.

As I approached the teacher’s desk to submit my assignment, someone snatched the sketchbook from my hand. Startled, I turned around, and Fred was standing there holding my sketchbook. Then he peeked at the drawing and started laughing like crazy.

“Pwahaha! Look at this! Chink must have gone to an alien planet instead of Earth during art class. How did you become friends with this grotesque creature here?”

Fred pointed at it, calling it a grotesque creature, and there was Raymond’s face that I had drawn with all my effort. I glanced at Raymond’s expression. He was glaring at Fred as if he would kill him. Under that murderous gaze, I couldn’t bring myself to say that what I drew wasn’t a grotesque creature but Raymond over there.

I saw Lisa and Dylan waiting for me in front of the cafeteria.

“Did you enjoy Vestatio yesterday?”

“I was just about to tell you about that. Now I get why that food journalist praised it as the best taste of their life. It would’ve been really nice if you’d come too.”

Lisa swallowed once as if remembering the food she ate yesterday. But if Dylan looked more afraid of Lisa than yesterday, that must be my imagination? Then Lisa said she was hungry, led us toward the cafeteria, and walked quickly ahead. Dylan, who had come close to me, whispered softly.

“Seungwon, that pervert you said you met before, the one who only chases Asian people? Was he maybe a big guy with a thick beard?”

“Huh? How did you know?”

“I knew it…… Actually, I ran into that lunatic yesterday. Well, it’s not like I met him myself.”

“What? You ran into that lunatic? What do you mean?”

“Yesterday, on the way out after dinner, Lisa said she wanted gelato ice cream. So we went to buy some.”

No wonder I could imagine Dylan hastily searching for a shop when Lisa said she wanted it.

“We barely bought it and came back, and that pervert was clutching his crotch and foaming at the mouth. I ran over in surprise, and he said the same thing to Lisa about the Asian person or whatever you mentioned before. Because of that, the police came yesterday and it was chaos.”

I was shocked by Dylan’s words. That pervert was still doing that? The creepy, chilling feeling I had felt then came back, and I got goosebumps. Dylan shook his head as if remembering yesterday.

“What are you two men whispering about like that? What, you’re not talking bad about me, are you? Hahaha.”

“……”

Lisa asked playfully with a laugh, but Dylan, flustered, avoided her eyes and couldn’t answer, so she frowned slightly.

“What, did you really talk bad about me?”

“No. It’s not that. Oh, today’s special menu, they said. Let’s hurry inside.”

Lisa looked at Dylan suspiciously as he obviously changed the subject, but at the words “special menu,” she quickly went into the cafeteria. Then, setting down the tray of food, she lightly tapped the table as if something came to mind.

“Next week is the school festival, right?”

“Festival? Ah, right. The class kids said something about that too.”

Dylan nodded. A festival. Come to think of it, Lisa, Dylan, and I were all spending the festival at this school for the first time. But Centrale School’s festival was so famous that I knew a little about it. The school festival lasted two days, and among the many events, the “Special Stage Show,” called the flower of the festival, was the most famous.

The Special Stage Show was a traditional event this school had held for a long time, and representatives were chosen from each class to compete in a class-versus-class format. The winning class was registered as that year’s “Honor Class.” Not even a cash prize, just an honor class.

But I heard the students’ fighting spirit to get that title was no joke. Maybe for them, who valued honor, it was a very coveted title. Well, it had nothing to do with me.

“I heard they sell lots of good food at the festival. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Lisa smiled brightly with an excited face. Still, with Lisa and Dylan, I thought I wouldn’t be too lonely during the festival.

On the way back to class, Lisa glared at Dylan and told him to be honest, looking displeased.

“Hey. I let it slide earlier because I was hungry, but you were talking bad about me before we went into the cafeteria, weren’t you?”

“No way……”

Lisa, who had a good memory, hadn’t forgotten earlier and pressed Dylan. Dylan shrugged pitifully and rummaged through his pocket, pulling out two lollipops. It was as if he desperately wanted to distract her.

“Chocolate flavor, strawberry flavor. Which one do you want?”

At the sudden candy, Lisa forgot she was interrogating Dylan and began seriously debating whether to choose chocolate or strawberry.

“Ah, I like both. Hmm…… Strawberry!”

Watching them bicker as they went up, I thought they were a really cute pair.

After class, the classroom was very quiet with all the students gone. I stood up to head to the company, but Raymond, whom I’d thought had left, was still in the empty classroom. Why hadn’t he left yet?

“Raymond, see you at the office later.”

He didn’t answer my short greeting. He rarely answered, so I took it as usual and walked to the door. Then, before I knew it, Raymond was standing right behind me.

“We’ll go in my car.”

Why suddenly? I looked up at him in confusion, but he silently went out the door first. I watched his back as his long legs took him far ahead, then hurried after him. What change of heart made him offer me a ride?

“I heard you don’t really like other people riding in your car. Is it okay?”

“It’s fine.”

If it was fine, I couldn’t understand why he’d coldly refused Matthew yesterday. But on the other hand, I had been uneasy about taking the subway because of the photo taken the other day, so I was glad he offered. And it was more comfortable than the subway.

I thought I absolutely must not fall asleep today and sat in the passenger seat. Thanks to sleeping well for once yesterday, fortunately I wasn’t especially sleepy. But the fact that we were going together just the two of us made me a little awkward.

“Raymond, could you play some music?”

I thought if we listened to music, the awkwardness might fade a little. He didn’t seem to object, so he turned on music. Music flowed out, breaking the quiet silence. It was Sam Smith’s “Stay with Me.”

“Oh, this song.”

Raymond glanced at me at my sudden exclamation.

“This is a song I like. Do you like it too?”

Raymond nodded slightly. Well, it was playing in Raymond’s car, so of course he liked it. This song was a little special to me. But it felt a bit strange that Raymond liked it too.

This song I found shortly after my incident happened. I learned then that when you’re truly in pain, when it’s truly hard, tears don’t even come. Wandering aimlessly in the dark, not even knowing that rage was eating away at everything, I heard this song.

I don’t want you to leave.

Will you hold my hand

Oh won’t you stay with me

It was a song I heard by chance, but the lyrics captured my heart. Maybe because I listened while overlapping it with my situation. My heart, filled with rage and left with nothing but venom, collapsed, and tears I hadn’t noticed were already running down my cheeks. My heart, which had ached madly as anger and loss swept through it, slowly found some calm.

For a while, I started every morning with this song and ended with it. And I cried loudly and long enough to faint. The more tears flowed, the more I screamed and shouted, the more the pain that had been suppressed shrank as if disinfected by tears. Along with the tears, the venom that had been eating at me was washed away too.

That was how I received comfort not from a person but from music.

The emotions I had felt then came back as I heard this song again and swirled in my heart. I slowly closed my eyes. Remembering my past, already abandoned, mixed with darkness and sorrow.

When I entered Matthew’s office, Sophia, who had been drinking coffee, jumped to her feet. Then she ran to me with a very excited face.

“Seungwon! I heard. I heard everything!”

“What? Heard what?”

“That you’re an acting genius!”

Startled by Sophia’s words, I looked at Matthew. He was nodding and smiling with a pleased face. He must have told her about yesterday with some exaggeration.

“I’m not, though……”

“See, my eye is accurate! I spotted you right from the start!”

I felt very guilty at the word genius. The two of them couldn’t even imagine that I had learned acting.

“Oh, I was holding you up too long. Both of you sit. Do you want coffee?”

Sophia welcomed us as if it were her office.

“……No. I’m fine.”

“Really?”

She smiled brightly and sat on the sofa across from Raymond and me. Then she looked at me as if telling me to hurry and read the script. It was so pressuring that I couldn’t focus at all. Sophia clearly had no intention of going back to her office. Matthew, sitting next to her, pressured me with a look that said, “Just wait. You’ll be surprised.”

Unfortunately, both of them looked very determined today.

“Um…… This is too much pressure.”

“No. Just pretend we’re not here. Come on, start!”

With that pressuring gaze, how was I supposed to pretend they weren’t there?

“I’m in the way. Both of you, get out.”

“Raymond, this is… my office.”

“Then go work.”

At Raymond’s words, Matthew got up from the sofa as if he had no choice and walked to his desk. Sophia, too, when he kept giving her looks, put down the cookie she was eating, frowned, and stood up.

“Honestly! You really make people walk on eggshells.”

She watched Sophia leave the office, then let out a small sigh. This was also the first time I was grateful to him. Soon the script practice with him began. For Raymond, who looked especially handsome today, I did my best as his script partner.

After reading the script for a while, I checked the clock and saw quite some time had passed. I packed my things and stood up.

“I’m leaving. I’ll be going, Matthew.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow, Seungwon.”

I opened the glass door and went outside. As soon as I stepped out, I was startled by a shape crouched next to the flowerpot and jumped in place. My heart dropped.

“Ah! W-what is it? You scared me.”

Soon I realized it was Sophia and let out a sigh of relief.

“What are you doing here? Instead of going inside.”

“Raymond keeps giving me looks. Did he think I had nowhere else to go?”

Sitting crouched pitifully in front of the flowerpot like this seemed worse than just going inside. Then Sophia stood up. She must have had a numb leg from getting up suddenly, because she staggered for a moment before steadying herself.

“I thought Matthew was exaggerating, but it’s true. You have a talent for acting. Did you know?”

Sophia’s eyes flashed. It was the same look as when we first met. Back then, I didn’t know her well and thought her gaze would give me goosebumps, but maybe that wasn’t it. I flinched and took a step back from her burning, pressuring gaze.

“This is really throwing away talent. Seungwon, let’s do it together.”

“Sophia……”

“Isn’t it a waste? If you go down this path, you can definitely succeed.”

Sophia spoke with a more earnest expression, as if she felt it was a shame. Her sincere expression touched me more than ever. So this time, I couldn’t immediately refuse and say I wouldn’t do it. I felt that the moment I refused, Sophia, whom I liked, would look hurt.

I knew she was trying hard to persuade me for my sake. That made my heart heavier. I bowed my head slightly in apology.

“All right. If you’re not interested, there’s nothing I can do.”

Sophia said weakly, looking disappointed.

“Just think about it one more time. And if you change your mind, tell me anytime.”

“I’m sorry, Sophia.”

I was so sorry that those were the only words I could say to Sophia. But my mind would not change. Ever.

This week the school was in an uproar, literally. It was because of preparations for next week’s festival. It was such a famous event that, although it was called a school festival, many people from outside came as well as students. Because of that, the festival was held on a fairly large scale, and just preparing for it was busy and chaotic.

Today was also the day our class had a meeting. It was a very important time to choose the representative who would put together the Special Stage Show at the festival. They said a few of the most talented people in the class were nominated and voted on, and the person with the most votes became the representative. Since it was a traditional event, the representative had to carry a heavy responsibility.

In our class, Sally would probably be chosen. I heard that in last year’s Special Stage Show, she received cheers for a splendid ballet performance. And there was no one else besides Sally who could be chosen. I just wanted them to decide on Sally quickly and end the meeting. Having to stay at school until after classes was really unwelcome.

“For our class, Sally should be the one to go, right?”

Billy, sitting in the front row, spoke first. Most of the students who heard him nodded.

“Right. Sally’s ballet is really beautiful.”

“Okay, then Sally is the only candidate in our class? Then there’s no point in voting or anything.”

Whether they agreed with the class president, the mood was to wrap it up. Everyone seemed to want to finish quickly and go home.

“Wait! I have a good idea.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Fred. I didn’t care who did it, so I was displeased that Fred seemed about to drag the meeting out again.

“What good idea?”

The class president asked, looking at Fred.

“There’s a guy in our class who plays piano very well.”

“Really? I had no idea. Who is it?”

“He’s especially good at children’s songs.”

Children’s songs? What kind of children’s song at the Special Stage Show? Fred’s ridiculous words didn’t even make me laugh.

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