Chapter 13: Overcoming Fear

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“Um, our team.”

“Our team? Why, is there a problem?”

“I heard our order changed from first to last.”

“What?”

The other support team members who heard me crowded over with surprised looks. Changing from first to last was such a drastic shift that I understood why the support teams were so shocked.

“Amazing! I knew this would happen!”

“Right, first? I really couldn’t accept it.”

While the support team chattered and laughed like they were thrilled, I was the only one who couldn’t smile. Something told me this was only getting bigger.

I sat at a table inside the tent waiting room behind the stage, waiting for the show to begin. Now that I was actually here, my nerves made my fingertips tingle. I kept repeating, ‘It’s okay. It’ll be okay,’ trying to calm the trembling, but it only got worse. Then someone tapped my shoulder.

“Oppa! I’ve been calling you for a while. Why didn’t you answer?”

“Huh? Ah, Lisa…”

“Why do you look like that? Don’t tell me you’re nervous?”

Lisa asked with a surprised look. It made sense. I had stood on countless stages in Korea, but I had always enjoyed them and gotten swept up in excitement. I had never once trembled. Well, if there was one time, maybe it was on my debut day when I stood on the music show I had dreamed of. But even then, I hadn’t shaken this much.

Old memories kept covering my mind and stirring up fear. It was just a school festival stage. There was nothing to fear. It was okay. I tried to soothe myself, but my heart only beat faster. I knew perfectly well I had come too far to turn back, but I couldn’t control myself. I had never even experienced how to shake off fear, so I couldn’t find an answer.

I hid my shaking hands behind my back and gave Lisa an awkward smile.

“No. Did you prepare well?”

“Yeah. Let me introduce you. These are the support team dancers helping with my stage.”

Maybe it was because Lisa had written ‘handsome backup dancers’ on the paper. They really were all handsome. I greeted them and introduced our band and chorus teams. Soon Lisa turned to me with an excited look.

“Oppa! I heard you got the last performance? That’s amazing. I knew you would.”

Maybe because she noticed I was trembling, Lisa praised me in a slightly exaggerated tone. Thanks to her, my mind, which had been filled only with fear, felt a little clearer. I tried not to think about the stage and focused on talking with Lisa.

“Oh, right. My order changed too. They said I’ll be on the stage right before yours?”

“Really? That’s good.”

“Yeah. But because of us, the whole order got changed… Look around a bit.”

At Lisa’s words, I looked around. Every representative in the waiting room was glaring at us with cold eyes. Their stares were so fierce that I quickly fixed my eyes back on Lisa.

“Why are they looking at us like that?”

“Why do you think? Because of us, everyone’s order got pushed earlier.”

“Ah…”

“See that brown-haired girl sitting on the left?”

I looked where Lisa tilted her head. My eyes met a pair of fiercely narrowed eyes. Startled, I swallowed hard without meaning to and looked back at Lisa.

“She was third in the order, but we moved back and she got changed to first today.”

“No wonder… Her glare is really scary.”

“I know. Seriously, why don’t they just set the order properly from the start? Why are we the only ones treated like criminals? What is this?”

Lisa crossed her arms and grumbled. Suddenly, a loud cheer came from the stage. I couldn’t make out the words, but the MC seemed to be hyping up the audience. It looked like the show was finally starting. But what was that cheer just now?

Yesterday morning, when I was at the food booth, and today, when I came for rehearsal, there had been so few people that it felt deserted. But the cheer I had just heard was huge enough to remind me of a concert. The trembling I had almost forgotten swept over my whole body again.

That was when it happened. A man wearing a staff necklace walked over to the girl sitting on the left. They exchanged a few words, then she stood and left the waiting room. Cold sweat pooled on my back. If I followed my heart, I wanted to drop everything, the stage and all, and run away. Just like when I had fled from Korea to America, I wanted to go somewhere with no one else.

Why did I say I would do this? Ah, because of Fred. This is insane. What was I thinking, preparing so hard for the stage like an idiot? For what, hoping for what… I had never been so pathetic to myself. I was blaming myself for my stupidity when…

“Seungwon.”

I lifted my head at the soft voice calling me. James was looking at me with a worried face.

“Are you okay?”

“…Yes.”

Actually, I wasn’t okay at all. Maybe he noticed my feelings without me saying anything, because James took one step closer.

“Seungwon. You can do this. I guarantee it.”

“…”

“Don’t avoid it. Face it head-on. Then you’ll see that even the fear that feels so huge right now can be overcome in the end.”

“…”

When I still didn’t answer, James let out a small sigh, as if he couldn’t help worrying.

“Don’t think of it as a stage to show the audience.”

I had stood on countless stages, but it was the first time I’d heard that, so I looked up at him.

“Think of it as a song you’re singing to yourself, or to someone precious to you.”

Not a song to show, but a song to sing for someone? I felt something click into place and smiled a little.

“Yes, thank you.”

Just then, the first stage must have ended, because loud applause and cheers rang out.

“I’ll be watching from the audience with the others. Come watch too if you want.”

“Yes, I’ll come later.”

James smiled and left the waiting room. I repeated his precious words and took a deep breath to steady myself, but a dark shadow fell in front of me. I looked up. Fred was standing before me with George and Mason. He looked at me and smirked.

“So today is finally the day? You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this. I couldn’t sleep a wink from anticipation!”

“Thanks for looking forward to it…”

When I answered weakly, Fred’s expression twisted slightly.

“What trick did you use to make sure someone like you isn’t first? It doesn’t even look like you’re second.”

“I didn’t use any tricks. I just did what I was told.”

“What? How could someone like you… Ah, is there someone besides me who wants to humiliate you?”

I just shrugged at his words. I was already overwhelmed just trying to control my feelings, so I looked at him with tired eyes. Fred’s face twisted again.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

How was I looking at him? I was staring at him in confusion when…

“Hey, you there! You’re not a participant, are you? You can’t come in here!”

A staff member shouted and came over, so Fred clicked his tongue and left the waiting room. He didn’t forget to add, ‘I’ll look forward to later. chink.’ Watching his back, the anxiety and tension I had barely calmed surged up again.

“Oppa, I’m going now!”

Startled by Lisa’s voice, I jerked my head up. A staff member had appeared in front of her at some point, urging her to hurry out. No, when had time passed so quickly? I wiped my palms, soaked with nervous sweat, on my pants and watched Lisa leave the waiting room. Once her performance ended, it would be my turn.

After waiting so long in the waiting room, my hands had settled, but now they began to shake again. Afraid someone would see, I clasped my hands together and squeezed. Please, I didn’t want to show anyone a pathetic side of me. Just think of it as the band practice room. I had done well in practice.

Suddenly, what James had said the day we first met flashed through my mind. The story of a student last year who did well in practice but couldn’t sing even one line on stage and came down. Was that what my future looked like? If that happened, what would I say to the band team and chorus team?

I was so nervous I didn’t even realize what I was thinking, and I kept getting swept into darker thoughts.

“Final participant, please wait by the side of the stage.”

The staff member said to us. The seated band and chorus teams jumped to their feet. Their faces showed tension too, but more excitement. I slowly stood as well. As I trailed behind, James kept glancing back at me. He looked worried, but I had neither the time nor the room to care. I stood where the staff directed me, at the side of the stage where Lisa was performing.

As she had wished, the stage was decorated gorgeously. Lisa in her sexy outfit reminded me of her idol days. Her captivating movements and beautiful voice spread and flowed across the stage. Normally I would have gasped in admiration and clapped. But all I could feel was envy at how confident Lisa looked.

Lisa was enjoying the stage like I used to. Not the pathetic me trembling with nerves now, but the me from those days, confident and unafraid.

I glanced toward the audience. I had expected many people to have arrived while we were in the waiting room. But it was beyond imagination. Even with the seats filled, quite a few people were standing because they couldn’t sit. My body went rigid at the huge crowd. I swallowed hard and turned my eyes back to Lisa.

She had said she changed the choreography, and it was more flashy and powerful than the original. I could feel from here that the audience was amazed by her skill. The way she danced in perfect sync with the dancers looked very professional.

Please, I wished that stage would never end. I wished this were just a dream. I even had the ridiculous thought that maybe this was a nightmare I was having, and I pinched my thigh just in case. The pain only made reality feel sharper.

“Waaaaaah!!”

Startled by the huge cheer that felt like it would burst my ears, I looked at the audience. People were cheering for Lisa with amazed faces. The performance had ended at some point, and Lisa was bowing and going down the stage through the stairs on the other side. No way. No way! I really had to go up there? I really had to stand there…?

The staff moved busily and finished setting up the instruments. Another staff member in front, who had been watching, gestured for me to hurry up. I forced my stiff legs to move. Hoo, hoo. I tried taking a deep breath, but my chest was so tight it was hard even to breathe.

I sat on the piano bench and looked at the audience. I could see Fred, George, and Mason sneering at me from the front row. Ringing filled my ears, and my stomach churned. My vision blurred and cleared, again and again. Dozens of phones were pointed only at me.

‘Mr. Park Seungwon, if you have any excuse, please say a word.’

‘Are you admitting the truth now? Mr. Park Seungwon, please answer.’

‘Mr. Park Seungwon! Just a word…’

The auditory hallucinations rang loudly in my ears. The small camera lenses of those phones looked like reporters’ cannon cameras. The nightmare from that day felt like it was happening all over again, and goosebumps rose on my skin.

The piano, which should have started first, showed no sign of sounding even after a long moment, so the band team and chorus team looked at me in confusion. The audience was also silent, as if waiting to see what we would show. Pressured to start quickly, I forced my badly trembling hand up and pressed one key.

Ting.

When I played the wrong note, James’s eyes darkened. He was probably recalling last year’s nightmare.

“What?”

“Why isn’t he starting?”

The murmurs grew louder. Fred and his friends, sitting in the most visible spot in the front row, were smirking at me with expressions that said they knew it.

Standing on stage, old painful memories rushed over me as if to devour me. I couldn’t summon the courage to hold on any longer. I was sorry to the teammates who had worked hard with me, but I didn’t think I could do this performance…

That was when it happened. I saw Raymond among the audience in the back. He wasn’t sitting in the front row like Fred, and he wasn’t wearing anything flashy, but among all those people, only Raymond stood out. It was like magic. My narrowed vision slowly widened. Seeing someone familiar, even him, felt like finding shelter, and my tight chest could finally breathe.

My body, stiff with tension, began to loosen little by little. It felt like a ray of light was shining into my heart, which had been wrapped in darkness. My shaking hands gradually stopped. I didn’t know why seeing him made me feel this way. I just felt that now, I could play. My closed ears opened, and the sounds around me began to come through.

“Seungwon, you can do it!”

“Just do it like in practice!”

The support team’s voices weren’t loud, but they were clear, and my hands stopped trembling completely. The team members nodded as if reassuring me that it was okay. They were looking at me as if to comfort me. The tension left in their eyes melted away like snow.

At some point, contemptuous looks had become familiar, and I had comforted myself by saying I didn’t really want warmth. I had decided I didn’t need things like that. But maybe that wasn’t true. Seeing how one look from them could make me feel this steady, it seemed I had been hungering for warmth more than I knew.

I smiled at the team members and nodded to mean I was okay now. I let out a big breath and placed my hands on the keys. I pressed one note, then another, carefully. Then the other instruments naturally blended in with the piano. At the gentle melody, the murmurs stopped, and everyone’s attention focused here.

I thought of the faces of people precious and dear to me, thought of that painful time, and sang as if spitting out a wound lodged deep inside. At some point, the audience had grown so quiet that not even breathing could be heard. I looked at them, then slowly closed my eyes. A song couldn’t heal a wound, but it could sympathize with the pain. Sometimes it could be the greatest comfort of all. Just as it had been for me.

I hoped the people listening to my song now could sympathize with me. I sang, hoping my song would be engraved in their hearts. My voice covered the stage. When I reached the chorus, the climax, the chorus voices and mine blended, and the sound rang out even more grandly.

Even after the song ended, the audience was quiet enough to suffocate. Unlike the previous stages, where cheers erupted as soon as they ended, this silence was almost strange. I looked around the audience and met eyes with Fred and his friends. George and Mason looked stunned, their faces blank with shock, and Fred was frozen too, eyes wide and mouth open, just as astonished.

But the person I was actually looking for wasn’t among them. I was sure I had seen him earlier, but no matter how much I looked around, Raymond was nowhere. Even among this many people, I had thought I could find him quickly… I never did. It seemed he was already gone. Not being able to see him right now felt a little disappointing, though I didn’t know why. I was about to lift my hands from the keys and stand.

“Amazing!”

A man’s voice rang out from the audience. Only then did huge cheers and applause return to the silent audience. Now I could see some people wiping tears and sniffling. It seemed the feelings I had wanted to convey had reached them. Whistles flew from here and there, and the heartfelt applause continued without stopping.

I glanced toward James. He was smiling brightly and had his thumb raised straight up. Only then did relief wash over me that I had finished the stage safely. My heart felt a little lighter, and I let out a big sigh. Then, as I went down the stage stairs, Lisa ran up with an excited face.

“Amazing. That was amazing, oppa!”

“You were still here?”

“Yeah! Wow, it was really moving. I’m telling you, it was the best so far. The audience must have been moved too, because they couldn’t say anything!”

Lisa jumped around, unable to keep still. James, who was walking down behind me, added to her words.

“Today’s stage was really the best! It seemed a hundred times better than anything we practiced, no, a thousand times!”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“I’m serious! Just listen to those cheers that are still going!”

Just like James said, people were still gasping and clapping. I felt embarrassed, and also a little ashamed. I remembered how I had shaken and made a mistake before the performance began. If it hadn’t been for them, I wouldn’t have been able to finish this stage safely. And Raymond too…

“I really enjoyed your song!”

I turned to the side, puzzled by the unfamiliar voice. It was a man who looked to be in his early to mid-thirties, neatly dressed in a brown suit, standing nearby. Who was he? I had never seen him before. He was a stranger, but since it seemed he was speaking to me, I gave an awkward smile.

“Ah, yes. Thank you…”

Maybe he noticed I was awkward, because the man smiled.

“Ah, I didn’t introduce myself? Nice to meet you. I’m Delton.”

“Ah, I’m Park Seungwon.”

“I’m also a judge for this special stage show. Though it’s my first time participating, at a friend’s request.”

Ah, he was a judge. I nodded now that I finally knew who he was.

“I was so moved by a stage I hadn’t seen in a long time that I came to find you without realizing it. It really was a chilling stage.”

The man raised his thumb. His exaggerated words made me embarrassed, and my face heated slightly.

“No…”

“Especially that direction you did at the beginning. Because of it, the emotion hit even harder.”

I had never done anything like directing, so I was confused. I tilted my head and asked what he meant.

“Direction?”

Delton’s eyes sparkled, as if recalling that moment, his expression a little more excited.

“That scene at the beginning where you pretended to be unable to do it, and your colleagues gave you courage with passionate eyes, saying ‘You can do it.’ Haha, I thought I was watching an episode of a coming-of-age drama!”

My face burned at Delton’s words. How could he think that was directing? And a coming-of-age drama, no less. I grew more embarrassed. Delton finally seemed to notice Lisa beside me, and his eyes widened a little.

“Oh, you’re the one who performed on the stage before this?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You were no joke either. The dancing was one thing, but your voice was really pretty. You had so much stage presence.”

“Really? Hahaha.”

“It was really the best! This special stage show felt like it was made for you two. I doubt I’ll remember anyone but you.”

Delton smiled happily, and Lisa smiled along with him.

“Oh, I got called in to judge quickly. I should go. See you next time!”

We probably wouldn’t meet again, but it sounded like a polite goodbye, so I answered with a smile. Delton waved his hand widely and disappeared toward the judges’ seats.

“Seungwon, you worked hard today. We’ll get going now. You two have to go back to the waiting room and wait for the results, right?”

“Yes. James, and everyone, thank you for everything. Thanks to you, I was able to give a good performance.”

“It’s because you overcame your fear so well. More than anything, I’m glad you could show those people your outstanding skill.”

Emma, who was beside him, nodded strongly.

“Right! I’ll never forget today! It was such a thrilling experience. Seungwon, meeting you was our luck.”

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