Chapter 114: A Necessary Departure

Contrary to my concerns, as Taewoon’s body gradually recovered, the side effects also began to slowly diminish. It seemed he felt a sense of mental and physical stability just by having me by his side.

When the doctor said that the all-day guiding, except for the early morning, could now be reduced to just lunchtime, I felt both relieved and a little disappointed.

“So now we’ll only see each other at lunch?”

Taewoon knew that besides guiding, there was no reason for me to be by his side, so he even intentionally lowered his guiding level to try and keep me with him.

“Can’t we just stay together like now? My wavelength is still unstable, actually.”

This was the third time he had said this. Nevertheless, I spoke as if reasoning with him.

“I’ll continue to guide you at lunchtime. Don’t worry.”

“But when I fully recover, we won’t be able to be together even at lunch.”

As he said, I also thought it would be that way. It was a natural progression, so I stood up without saying anything special.

“I’m going to go now. I’ll come back tomorrow at lunchtime, so I’ll see you then.”

“Shinui, don’t go. Can’t you stay just a little longer?”

Despite his pleas, I walked firmly towards the door. There was no reason for me to be with him anymore. But then, I heard a retching sound from behind me. I turned around to see Taewoon bent over, vomiting.

I rushed over to him. The guiding level machine connected to him began to sound an emergency alarm. His guiding level was dropping rapidly.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“Don’t go…”

I quickly hugged him and guided him. Fortunately, as I did, he began to calm down little by little. In the end, I had no choice but to stay in his hospital room that day, guiding him.

After that, whenever I tried to leave, Hyun Taewoon would vomit, and eventually, he even collapsed from exhaustion. Seeing him look as if he could die at any moment, I had no choice but to place a cot next to his bed and stay with him.

And so, my unwanted cohabitation with Hyun Taewoon continued. Nevertheless, when he woke up first in the morning and smiled at me, I felt relieved. I found myself to be frightening.

I didn’t want to feel attached to Hyun Taewoon now. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t hate him anymore.

At this rate, I felt like I would be by his side for the rest of my life, so in the end, I decided to accept Sehyun’s proposal. And today, a call came from the International Awakened Organization.

Perhaps because I was an S-Class guide, the transfer was quickly confirmed. I had to tell Taewoon about the move, but I kept putting it off, and now it was the day before my departure.

His guiding level had been stable for a week, and I even received confirmation from the doctor that I was no longer needed. I thought I could finally leave with peace of mind. I had also asked Minseong to guide him, just in case.

I waited for him in his hospital room to say my final goodbye. At 5 o’clock, he returned from his rehabilitation training. I called him quietly.

“Hyun Taewoon, I have something to tell you.”

At my words, he quickly approached, as if just the fact that I had spoken to him made him happy.

“What is it? What’s the story?”

I couldn’t bring myself to speak, seeing him smiling, unaware that I was about to say goodbye, but in the end, I opened my mouth.

“I can’t be with you forever. I’m not your guardian or your exclusive guide.”

“Why are you suddenly talking about that…?”

He seemed to have sensed something unusual. He stopped smiling and looked at me with anxious eyes.

“I’m going to stop guiding you now. And I won’t be coming to the hospital anymore.”

“Why…? You know I can’t be without you…”

“I’ve dedicated a year to your guiding. I need to live my own life now.”

“Shinui, don’t you want to be with me?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with him. From the time he fell into a coma until now, there had never been a single moment when I didn’t want to be with him. I was even shocked by myself. But now, I had to lie to get away from him.

“…Yes.”

At my words, Hyun Taewoon pressed his lips together tightly. Then he said in a low voice.

“You’re lying.”

“What?”

“Don’t lie.”

Unlike his trembling voice, his movements were firm as he pulled my wrist and rolled up my sleeve.

As the sleeve was rolled up, the bracelet he had prepared was revealed. I immediately tried to pull my arm away, but I couldn’t overcome his grip.

“Then why are you wearing this?”

“Let go!”

“I’m asking why someone who says they don’t want to be with me is wearing this!”

I had been wearing the bracelet, thinking he wouldn’t notice if I hid it under my long sleeves, so I felt cornered.

“Since when did you know?”

“I saw it a long time ago when you were sleeping.”

There were many times when he would wake up before me and just watch me. It seemed the bracelet had been exposed in my sleep then.

“You say you don’t want me, so why are you wearing the bracelet? And what about being by my side for a year?”

I don’t know why I did it either. To be honest, I had wondered, but I didn’t want to know, so I had left it alone.

“Are you sure you don’t want me?”

“Don’t ask anymore.”

“Looking at your actions, there’s no way you don’t feel the same way as me. Shinui, don’t hate me. It was my fault, so please stay by my side.”

Hyun Taewoon pleaded, holding my hand with the bracelet in both of his. He looked at me with eyes full of tears, then dropped his head helplessly. Seeing that, I also choked up.

He was seeing through the unknown feelings I had hidden deep in my heart so easily.

“Shinui, are we not allowed to love each other? I want to be happy with you.”

At his last words, the strength drained from my arm. What is happiness?

Before returning to the past, my daily life with him was my happiness. But now, I don’t know. Still, as he said, I also wanted to feel happiness.

The world I see now is like black and white. It’s so dark, bound to the past, that I can’t even picture a future. In fact, the person who had been suffering the most might have been me.

Will happiness ever find me again? If I become honest with my feelings and face the truth like him, can I escape from this darkness? I looked down at the bracelet and continued in a low voice.

“I didn’t know this bracelet was a gift from you.”

“I thought so.”

“I saw the past with Sung Yohan, and that’s when I knew it was a gift. It was definitely my past, but it was all unfamiliar, different from my memories.”

Misunderstanding could only lead to more misunderstanding. And our relationship was built on misunderstandings.

“You know I liked you a lot, right?”

“I know. I knew, but I pretended not to, I used you, and I’ve only hurt you until now…”

“When I died and came back to life, I only had hatred for you. Even if the things I believed in were lies, I don’t regret my actions towards you until now.”

“It’s okay if you don’t regret it. It was all my fault.”

Seeing him continuously repent, I realized once again that after learning the past, he had always been consistent with me. He was always looking out for me and wanted to atone for the past.

“Shinui, don’t you have even a little bit of affection for me?”

At his words, my breath hitched for a moment, and my mouth closed. The past year I spent with him, and the tears and relief, the gratitude that didn’t stop when he woke up. That might have been goodwill.

But even if I have affection for him, our relationship won’t change.

“Shinui.”

“What changes if I say I like you?”

“It changes. You don’t have to hate me anymore. We can just love each other without doubt or anxiety.”

“…It’s too late. I’m leaving Korea tomorrow.”

“Why? We like each other, so why are you leaving?”

At my words, Hyun Taewoon’s eyes crinkled. He was right. There was no reason to leave if we liked each other. But I wasn’t sure about this relationship, and I needed time to sort out the feelings that had been buried so deeply.

The hatred from the past was too big in my heart to accept his feelings and my own.

“I need time to sort things out on my own. And I can’t live without belonging to any place forever.”

“Where are you going? Can’t I go with you?”

“Wait for me. When we meet next time, I won’t hide my feelings.”

I thought that when my thoughts were sorted out, I would be able to clearly know my feelings for him.

“Just don’t get rid of the feeling of liking me.”

“…”

I didn’t answer his words because I didn’t even know my own heart. I didn’t want to give him false hope.

“Shinui, you have to meet me first when you come back, okay?”

“I will.”

He also seemed to feel that I needed time, so he uncharacteristically backed down.

“Can’t we sleep together tonight?”

“…Okay. But I’ll be leaving in the morning.”

That night, for the first time, we slept next to each other without guiding. But I couldn’t sleep a wink with a complicated heart.

Since my departure time was early in the morning, I got up at dawn. As I did, his body twitched. It seemed he, like me, couldn’t sleep.

I looked at his face once, then went outside. The moment of parting with the Shinui full of past hatred was approaching.