Chapter 2: The Warmth Only You Give

“Thank you.”

No doubt my cheeks had flushed red.

Every time I stood in front of Gyesa, my face turned red like a fool, and it was terribly embarrassing.

But what could I do when it wasn’t something I could control by will.

“Don’t just stand there spacing out.”

At his curt scolding, I straightened up, and he let go of my arm.

He had grabbed me so tightly that even after releasing me, my arm throbbed dully.

If I were to say that even this pain was something you gave me, and that I welcomed it—what kind of face would you make.

Unable to say it out loud, I smiled sheepishly as I always did.

Immediately, Gyesa’s irritation flew my way.

“Idiot.

What are you so happy about that you’re smiling like that?”

His tone was downright annoying, but I knew better.

No matter how foul his mouth was, he was actually a kind person.

He was a little sensitive since the performance had just ended, but that was only natural when he had to pour all his nerves into the show.

Knowing how gentle he usually was, I had no reason to feel hurt just because he called me an idiot once or twice.

“No point asking you.

Come here and help me clean up.”

Even now, it was the same.

The reason Gyesa deliberately called me over to help was to keep the increasingly irritable ringmaster, upset over poor recent sales, from taking his anger out on me.

Knowing that, I still asked him carefully.

“You don’t need to go out and greet them?”

“No.

Wrapping things up is the ringmaster’s job.

It’s better to disappear before that damned money-grubber notices me.”

Gyesa turned away without the slightest hesitation and left the circus tent.

I followed after him, my eyes lingering on his back.

The performers’ barracks were located a little distance away from the main tent.

As we walked toward them, I glanced back at the rear of the tent where the show was finishing.

Seen from afar, the circus tent was large enough to hint at its former popularity, but it was worn all over, bearing the unmistakable marks of time.

The vividly colorful tent I remembered had faded to a dull blur before I knew it, covered in patchwork repairs.

“Chunrak Circus will return!”

Chunrak Circus.

My cradle.

Our shackle.

I repeated the ringmaster’s booming farewell in my mind as it echoed outside the tent.

I hated the greedy, ill-tempered ringmaster, but I liked that final greeting he always gave the audience.

To be precise, I loved the word “return.”

The place I would return to—needless to say—was Gyesa.

To me, Chunrak Circus was Gyesa.

“Hey, idiot.

Why aren’t you following?”

Noticing that I had stopped, Gyesa came back to my side and urged me on.

I gazed quietly at his lovely face, lit by the lamps scattered around the circus grounds, and shyly asked.

“Can I hold your hand?”

“No.

Your hands are rough.”

At his mischievous refusal, I pouted and put on a sulky face.

He clicked his tongue briefly, then lightly caught my fingertips and muttered,

“Just once.”

Feeling his warmth through our fingertips made a smile spread across my face, yet strangely, tears welled up in my eyes.

I really did love Gyesa’s warmth.

His kindness.

So much that even if he only offered me his fingertips, I felt I could give him everything.

I truly loved him.

Gyesa, who had gone off saying he would wash up, returned before even a quarter-hour had passed.

With his thick, flamboyant stage makeup washed away, his bare face looked a little tired.

But not even fatigue could dull his prim and pretty looks.

“Welcome back.”

“It was barely anything.”

When I greeted him with a smile, he scoffed lightly and sat down in front of the small vanity.

As always, I stepped behind him and carefully brushed his long hair, which reached down to his shoulder blades, with practiced hands.

I could leave my own light-colored curls messy if I wanted, but when it came to his black hair, I treated it as delicately as a weaver maiden spinning silk, putting care into every single strand.

This time was one of the most precious moments to me.

Watching Gyesa perform was intoxicating, but that wasn’t my place.

However, this moment—brushing his hair—was undeniably mine.

As I smiled softly, Gyesa seemed to notice through the mirror and asked in a slightly sulky voice,

“What are you smiling like an idiot for again?

Is that why that pig keeps picking on you—because you’re always grinning like a fool?”

Just mentioning the vice-ringmaster made him frown in displeasure.

But even that expression looked beautiful to me.

“I just like listening to you sing.

I like walking back together after your performance.

I like brushing your hair like this, and chatting quietly like this too.”

“……”

“As long as I have you, Gyesa, every day feels good.

I’d be happy living like this for the rest of my life.”

Just like this.

Embarrassed at having tentatively shown my feelings, I laughed awkwardly.

Hope that he would notice and anxiety over how he might react mixed together, and I could only gnaw at my lips.

But Gyesa didn’t respond at all.

As the silence stretched on, I began to worry that I had said something unnecessary.

Lowering my head, I fiddled with his hair for a long while, when Gyesa suddenly pulled away.

Before I could even react to the fine strands slipping through my fingers like sand, his sharpened voice struck me.

“…You like this?

You really like this?”

At the coldness of his voice, colder than ever before, I hurriedly lifted my head.

In the mirror, Gyesa’s face looked twisted with anger.

“Being called an idiot over and over—did you actually turn into a moron?”

“Gy, Gyesa….”

“You get looked down on everywhere for being a lowly clown.

You get called useless again and again.

Scraping by day to day worrying about your next meal, drifting around this worn-out tent with nowhere to truly belong—do you find that fun?”

“Of course not.

I just meant that I like being with you—”

“Do you even know what I go out and do when I leave at night?”

Ah.

Only then did I realize my mistake, faced with the cold fury blazing in Gyesa’s eyes.

Knowing how much he hated this circus, how desperately he wanted to leave it—how could I have said something like that.

This was clearly my fault.

Eyes flashing like a wolf’s, Gyesa stood up abruptly and stepped toward me the moment our gazes met.

His chest rose and fell with anger, so close it nearly brushed my nose.

Feeling his fury without him needing to say a word, I lowered my head quietly.

Unaware that this only provoked him further.

“You think I go out at night just to shake my d*ck around, don’t you?”

Thud.

My heart dropped.

Ever since he became an adult, Gyesa often didn’t come back at night.

I felt lonely having to be apart from him all night, and when I caught an unfamiliar floral scent on him, it felt as though he was drifting far away.

Just imagining the Gyesa I had always been with—the Gyesa I loved so much—standing by someone else’s side made something inside me feel wrong.

But I could say this for certain.

I had never once imagined what he might actually be doing when he went out at night.

“No.

I just—”

I opened my mouth with a pale face, but he clearly had no intention of listening.

Gyesa let out a short breath that sounded like a sneer.

“Hah.

f*ck that.

As if a lowly clown could dare touch a noblewoman’s skin.

Not a chance.

I’m not even worth being a disposable bedwarmer for a single night.”

“A beast?

Why would you—!”

“They just want to look at me and feel their pathetic sense of superiority.

They toss me a bit of money like alms and get to watch a monster perform tricks—how convenient for them, right?”

“I’m sorry.

I was wrong.

So please, let’s stop.

You’ll ruin your throat like this.

Okay?”

What was I thinking back then.

Honestly, I think I just didn’t know what to do seeing Gyesa so angry.

After all that worrying, all I could manage was to beg him with a simple apology.

Just as expected, Gyesa’s face twisted at my apologetic attitude.

Frowning deeply, his beautiful face looked frightening, tangled with complicated emotions.

It might have been my imagination, but though he was clearly angry, he also somehow looked hurt.

“Do you think I’m some filthy bastard who sells his body too?”

At his self-mocking question, I clenched my fist tightly.

It was such a ridiculous thing to say.

I denied it immediately.

“Of course not.”

Gyesa studied my face quietly.

For some reason, my throat felt painfully dry.

My eyes stung.

My jaw trembled as if my tongue would curl up, but I couldn’t stand letting him hate himself like this.

I raised my cold, stiff hand and cupped his cheek.

It must have looked awkward due to our height difference, but that didn’t matter.

“You’re the most precious and important person to me, Gyesa.

No matter what anyone says, that will never change.”

I hoped—desperately—that my sincerity would reach him.

Pouring all my longing into it, I gazed into his eyes.

Unlike mine, Gyesa’s dark eyes deepened even further.

He slowly lowered his head toward me.

As his face drew close, I froze, unable to even breathe under the rising tension.

Then he turned his head and buried his face near my neck.

Along with his burning heat, I heard a grinding sound by my ear, as if he were holding something back.

In a low, gloomy voice, Gyesa said,

“I’m going to leave this circus.

No matter what.”

“Mm….”

I lifted my hand and gently patted his broad yet slightly lean back.

“I’ll succeed—so obviously that those who pointed fingers at me won’t dare look down on me again.”

“Yes.

You will.

You absolutely will.”

When I answered softly to comfort him, he turned his buried head and shot me a sideways glance.