Chapter 20: The Weight of Unspoken Words

As I rode in my uncle’s car, a myriad of thoughts swirled through my mind.

‘Does Im Jeong-woo truly like Song Yu-min?’

The precise moment he frowned suggested I had made some misstep with my words. Yet, I had simply been complimenting Song Yu-min’s beauty, my tone no different from any other time I’d teased. This left only one plausible explanation.

Im Jeong-woo was displeased by my praise for Song Yu-min.

But why? He had always remained silent when I praised anyone else.

There were only two reasons I could deduce now.

Either Im Jeong-woo was interested in Song Yu-min, or he harbored genuine affection for her. If that were the case, it was entirely understandable that he would dislike others giving her such compliments.

‘Could that really be it?’

I wanted to believe there was nothing between them, but it seemed I was the only one who still thought that way.

‘Are Jeong-woo and Yu-min dating?’

More and more people around me began to ask.

‘No, they’re not. Don’t start unnecessary rumors.’

Ah. Why had I been so certain?

Regret gnawed at me for not realizing it sooner, coupled with an apology to Im Jeong-woo. Yet, even stronger than that self-reproach was a petty feeling that pierced through it all.

‘I hate the thought of Im Jeong-woo liking someone else.’

‘I hate the thought of him dating anyone.’

‘I wish he wouldn’t get a girlfriend.’

This feeling, born of insecurity, was utterly selfish. To not wish for a close friend’s happiness, but instead to curse their potential joy out of fear of not maturing myself — it was shameful.

“Gi-hyeon.”

Suddenly, a voice interrupted my thoughts, and I briefly set them aside. My uncle was staring at me intently through the rearview mirror.

“Why are you so quiet today? If you’re tired, try to get some sleep on the way. We still have about thirty minutes to go.”

“No, I’m fine. I’m not tired.”

The drive usually took nearly fifty minutes. Though there was no need for him to pick me up from such a distant place every time, my uncle consistently came twice a month. It seemed simpler to just buy a car, so I asked my mom about it, only to be told that my aunt had vehemently opposed the idea.

My mother, who relied heavily on my uncle and aunt, seemed to take their words as gospel. Initially, I thought it made sense, but as my time settling in America lengthened, my dissatisfaction grew. If you didn’t live in the heart of downtown, even getting to a nearby supermarket was difficult. How could it be said that a car wasn’t necessary? Especially in a place surrounded by nothing but mountains and fields, a car was frankly essential for living a decent life.

Perhaps because of this, my uncle started picking me up every two weeks at some point. After stopping at places like the supermarket or a shopping mall, I would always spend the night at his house, and he would drive me back to the dorm the next day. Even for close relatives, meeting this frequently felt strange, and I tried refusing a few times, but it was no use.

“Are we going straight to the supermarket?”

“Yes. We need to buy some groceries for dinner. You remember Suzy’s family, the ones we’ve seen a few times, right?”

“Yes.”

“They’re coming over, so we’re having a barbecue tonight.”

“It’ll be lively, then. They have a big family.”

“That’s right. Won’t it be fun?”

“Yes.”

I answered with a smile, yet I felt not even the slightest flicker of anticipation.

‘Fun? What a joke.’

No matter how enjoyable an event, if it involved my uncle’s family, it was invariably uncomfortable. It had simply become that way at some point, ever since we became family by law.

‘We’ll take responsibility for Gi-hyeon.’

I shouldn’t have become my uncle’s adopted son in the first place. If I were to trace the root cause, that’s where everything went wrong.

“Oh, and tomorrow, would it be okay if we came back a little later?”

“Why?”

“We’re all going to the outlet mall.”

“All of us?”

“Yes. Your aunt and Joseph and me.”

The premonition of an even more awkward atmosphere made my head ache. Why did my uncle keep creating gatherings that no one truly welcomed? I couldn’t understand it.

“That sounds fun.”

I smiled again.

****

Dinner was at six. While my uncle lit the grill in the backyard, Joseph and I were in charge of preparing the meat and vegetables.

As I focused on the task, my aunt walked by, carrying plates, and remarked, “Gi-hyeon, you’re such a smart kid, but you’re really clumsy with your hands.”

She always added unnecessary comments, making people uncomfortable. Being smart and being handy had absolutely no correlation.

‘Is it really that strange?’

No matter how I looked at it, my skewers, made with utmost care, were several times better than Joseph’s.

“Are your summer classes manageable?”

“Yes.”

“If you deliberately went to an expensive school, don’t make your mom suffer; do well.”

It was the same now. Did she really have to mention the ‘expensive school’ part?

“I will.”

I forced a smile to my lips and replied.

The long daylight hours meant it was still bright outside. The house grew bustling as the guests arrived. Though it was only one family, with four children, there were six guests, three members of the host family, and me, the temporary guest, making a total of ten people.

“Hello. How have you been?”

“Wow, Gi-hyeon, it’s been a while. You’re doing well, right?”

“Of course. You missed me terribly, didn’t you?”

“Yes, yes.”

“Me too.”

The way to leave a good impression on adults was half greeting, half smiling face. When I greeted them loudly and affably, they beamed, and a hug was a bonus.

“Hello.”

“Oh. Joseph, it’s been a while for you too.”

“Yes.”

Joseph, who came out a little later, offered his greetings, but the drastic difference in warmth instantly made me feel like things had gone wrong. My aunt’s lips, unable to hide her sour expression, tightened immediately.

“Here! Come on in. We’ll grill the meat right away.”

Fortunately, my uncle’s words from behind dispelled the awkward atmosphere. However, as always, everything in this house just felt uncomfortable. This was especially true if the topic of school, almost a taboo, came up.

“Gi-hyeon goes to a different school than Joseph, right?”

“Yes.”

When asked what school, I stated the name, and the person immediately showered me with compliments.

“I hear it’s an excellent school. You must be in the dorms?”

“Yes.”

I gave a brief answer, not wanting to elaborate, but as expected, the person, who couldn’t stay quiet, interjected into the conversation.

“But when kids are together, they’re easily swayed by all sorts of temptations, aren’t they? That’s why kids go astray more in places like that.”

“Aren’t there teachers in the dorms?”

“Oh, come on, how can a teacher pay attention to every little thing like a parent?”

“That’s true, I suppose.”

“That’s why we bring Gi-hyeon home every two weeks to buy groceries and go shopping. Who else would do that much if not family? His mom is in Korea, so we have to look out for him in her stead.”

“Oh, Gi-hyeon is so lucky.”

Amidst the conversation between the guest and my aunt, I, the very subject of their discussion, couldn’t say a word. I wasn’t grateful for their unwanted attention in the slightest, but as always, I endured it. I was never honest when I should have been.

Reluctantly, I swallowed my food, unwilling to speak. The meat my uncle had grilled looked truly perfect, but in this situation, there was no way I could properly taste it.

“Gi-hyeon still eats well.”

“Exactly! He eats so much. But he never gains weight, so anyone who saw him would think we’re starving him!”

It seemed I was the only one who felt the sting in her words, despite her smiling delivery.

“Maybe he just doesn’t gain weight naturally.”

“My brother-in-law is fine, but his wife is so thin. She’s been scrawny since she was young and spent a lot on hospital bills.”

Suddenly, the meat felt stuck in my throat, unable to go down.

I should smile. I should pretend everything was fine. But a sudden suffocating feeling seized me.

“I’ll just take this call.”

When I stood up, holding my phone that hadn’t rung, no one stopped me. I walked straight out through the fence. I simply couldn’t bear to stay in that house any longer.

We weren’t a real family, and no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t become one. How much longer did we have to keep playing this game of ‘family’?

Our relationship hadn’t always been like this. My uncle and aunt, whom I occasionally met during visits to America, had been kinder than anyone, and my quiet cousin had always been a good friend. Our relationship should have ended there.

The bond that should have been limited to seeing each other once every few years became excessively close because I insisted on studying here. I shouldn’t have. My stubbornness had turned us into poison for each other.

It started with something trivial: just one math score. The reason was that I had received the exact same score as Joseph.

‘Gi-hyeon must be lucky.’

But when my scores in social studies, science, and all other subjects also matched his, my aunt no longer spoke of luck. From then on, the compliments dwindled.

It worsened after I passed my placement test and began taking English classes. When my English scores also matched Joseph’s, my aunt’s gaze upon me changed entirely.

Things were still somewhat okay until the first semester of 8th grade, but the problem arose the following spring. Joseph entered a rebellious phase while maintaining good grades, and my aunt became uncontrollably sensitive. Her arguments with my uncle grew more frequent.

‘Stop it. You’re the reason the child is so stressed.’

‘Are you saying this is all my fault? It’s not me—’

My aunt didn’t finish her sentence, but even at my young age, I knew what she was going to say next. My aunt resented me. She believed Joseph’s sudden change was due to an inferiority complex directed at me.

So, what should I have done? Should I have deliberately written wrong answers on my test papers?

In truth, I had done nothing wrong from the start.

Every time I heard the sounds of arguments in that hellish house, I would go outside. Wandering aimlessly, I always ended up in front of Im Jeong-woo’s house. Then, I would look up at the window on the second floor, to the left.

Just like now.

“…”

The place I hadn’t visited in a long time remained unchanged. Someone else must surely be living in Im Jeong-woo’s room now that he was gone, but the lights were currently off. As I stared blankly at it, the tightness in my chest suddenly eased.

‘My other half, even in his absence, brings me comfort.’

Suddenly, I missed Im Jeong-woo terribly.

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