Chapter 34: Winters

“Goodbye, everyone…. I’m… leaving to find my happiness. F*ck.”

Tae Hwan read aloud, haltingly, the caption in Bodam’s profile picture, then added a curse.

Even with Attack Team 3’s field missions all stopped, he had deliberately come out to the waiting room, eating away at time.

It was time completely filled with thoughts of Yoon Bodam.

After being blocked with the middle finger emoji, he had done nothing but stare at his phone until it felt worn out.

He lay in the corner of the living room sofa, the spot where that small body had sat most often, and cursed endlessly.

Alcohol and cigarettes came to mind due to his bitter mood, but he touched neither.

There was only one reason.

“Pull yourself together, you crazy b*stard….”

He was afraid the smell of Yoon Bodam would disappear.

He felt that the faint traces of Yoon Bodam, remaining subtly, would vanish with the strong scents of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

When did he become this insane?

Thud.

He repeatedly buried his face in the sofa cushion.

Then he took a deep breath and lay sprawled on the cushion.

From the cushion that Yoon Bodam often hugged, he could feel a particularly strong lingering scent and a soft wavelength.

He missed him.

Even more so because he wasn’t in front of his eyes.

To the point where his insides felt like they were burning.

With a curse, feeling his sinews bulge, he picked up the cushion.

His hand, about to throw it against the wall, paused for a moment.

Yoon Bodam, frozen in that spot overlooking the kitchen, came to mind.

His face, pale with shock at the sound of Min Ji Oh breaking the kitchen shelf, reappeared.

The trembling of his small body enduring the angry Esper’s wavelength was etched into his memory.

His erratic, suffocated breathing, his wide, bloodshot eyes, and even his habit of tightly biting his trembling lower lip instead of asking for help.

‘Don’t curse!’

His train of thought, filled with one person, led to their last conversation.

He had never seen Yoon Bodam so genuinely angry and yelling before.

It was as if fire would pour from his dog-like round eyes.

The look in his eyes, as if he wanted to kill him, even appeared in his dreams.

‘Are you guys making fun of me that much?! Have I ever caused trouble because I’m physically weak?!’

Trouble?

Yes, he had caused trouble.

A f*cking lot.

That tiny b*stard, whom he thought would drop out in less than half a month, kept catching his eye when he lasted over a month.

His annoying persistence, bouncing back quickly despite looking like he’d collapse if pushed one more step, constantly bothered him.

From the moment Kang Yi Jun, who was fond of him, started going too far with his teasing, Yoon Bodam’s refusal to quit on his own became so frustrating that he couldn’t even focus on work.

When he heard that he had almost been sucked into a Gate, it was f*cking seriously.

‘Are you angry, Hyung?’

Kang Yi Jun asked Tae Hwan, who had suddenly appeared and immediately thrown an ashtray.

As soon as he heard the news of Yoon Bodam taking sick leave due to the shock of the Gate, he had followed his impulse, grabbed whatever was at hand, and thrown it.

‘Why?’

Tae Hwan couldn’t say anything to Kang Yi Jun, who asked with a reduced smile, as if truly curious.

Why?

Because Yoon Bodam almost really died.

So what?

…He crossed the line, didn’t he?

So?

When had he not?

He fought with the noisy voices in his mind and came to a brief conclusion.

He had never wished for him to die.

Despite never helping the weak Guide who stubbornly survived on his own, that kind of conclusion emerged.

After that, whenever Kang Yi Jun called for a Guide to the field, he would follow.

Although he always just ended up fighting with Yoon Bodam and returning, the conclusion he drew each time became clearer.

He didn’t want Yoon Bodam to die.

He only realized it when he was in danger of dying.

And then…

‘If I stay without you any longer, I feel like I’ll die.’

Only after Yoon Bodam disappeared did he gain a new realization.

Only now.

***

If you asked how he endured half a year in the infamous Attack Team 3, well, Bodam would answer internally that it was because there were moments more hellish than that half-year.

Outwardly, he would smile calmly.

Bodam’s winters were exceptionally cold.

He truly didn’t know that his life’s unlucky nine-year cycle would begin in the winter of his blooming nineteenth year.

The winter of his nineteenth year, which should have been filled with the expectation of changing the first digit of his age after overcoming the cold of the college entrance exam, instead brought Bodam a terrible chill he never wanted to experience again.

It was a harsh cold, as if he had stepped into hell.

The first gate of hell was his father’s cancer recurrence, which he had believed was successfully treated.

The day he delightfully messed up the college entrance exam and went to see a movie with friends using his test voucher discount, he received a call from his mother and went to the hospital with trembling hands.

He cried a lot on the way there in the taxi.

He cried so much it hurt his head, recalling his father’s laughter, who had consoled his son, worried about his exams, by saying there were many other paths besides studying.

What if Dad dies?

As the eldest, I needed to keep my head straight, but I was just scared.

Just seeing his father, who hated the smell of hospitals, lying on a white bed again, was a cruel hell.

However, hell was not so easy.

Immediately, as the second gate of hell opened, his mother and young Bodam collapsed helplessly.

His father’s debt.

An amount difficult to grasp in one’s lifetime was all said to be his father’s debt.

His father, who used to laugh heartily, claiming he was born with a knack for business, was in fact a remarkable actor.

He had so cleverly hidden the accumulating debts from his family without a single hint.

It would have been better if he had become an actor with such superb acting skills.

All sorts of curses poured out in the hospital room, directed at his lying father and his distraught mother and son, still echoed in his ears sometimes.

They were all familiar faces.

His father’s friends and distant acquaintances, whom he had known since childhood, had become unfamiliar faces, spewing insults.

The day an uncle, who used to give him pocket money, grabbed him by the collar, he knelt for the first time in his life and begged alongside his mother.

‘I will definitely pay it all back. I will pay it. I will pay it back.’

He couldn’t forget that moment when his breath was choked by the shouts of ‘How will you pay it back?’

As expected, bad memories were tenacious and sticky.

His father, who had always been a dependable and loving shelter, became a terrifying presence to Bodam after that day.

The wish he had held throughout the hospital visit, hoping his father would be safe, was overturned in an instant.

He wished his father would just die.

On the day his knees were bruised, Bodam sat on the floor, harboring that terrible wish.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Bodam’s wish was not immediately granted.

His father endured for three more years, tied to cancer and debt.

With a life that was in the red just by breathing, and hospital bills piling up, it was truly hell.

It was a great fortune that Bodam awakened as a Guide.

Without worrying about employment, he entered the Center and started working even before the spring of his twentieth year arrived.

He tried his best to use the ability given to him, who wasn’t exceptionally good at anything.

He had to earn a lot of money.

‘Enough, Bbodam. Why are you in such a hurry?’

His former senior, who always bothered him particularly, used to say that as a habit.

He tried to cool Bodam’s enthusiasm, who was famous among his peers for his burning desire to take on field assignments.

Bodam, who was clearly physically weak, needed a longer training period, and he wasn’t even given proper field training.

Even if his rank was A-class, the risk of taking on a timid weakling was too great.

No matter how diligently and earnestly he worked, those chosen were naturally well-built and physically superior.

Still, he worked his ass off.

Even when he met bad Espers, he would put on a brave face, smile gently, and provide guiding.

He endured by holding back curses in his throat and soothing his stomach with alcohol.

Since entering the Center, he hadn’t gained any weight, no matter how much he ate.

“Your face is half gone again….”

He heard his mother’s voice whispering by the head of Bodam’s bed.

Bodam blinked and sat up, looking up at his mother who was sitting on the bed without turning on the light.

Geun Young was consumed with worry over her son’s face, which had grown even paler since she last saw him.

“Sleep more. Sorry for waking you.”

Cough.

Bodam coughed lightly and shook his head.

He grabbed his mother, who was about to stand up, saying she should put a wet towel in the dry room.

He pulled her sleeve, stretched it out, and smiled.

In response, Geun Young, who gave a melting smile, sat back down on the bed.

Both had the same smiling lower half of their faces.

They exchanged greetings, seeing their similar smiles.

Voices of quiet conversation filled the dim, small room.

“Why have you lost so much weight?”

“You too, Mom.”

“Oh dear. Look at your hoarse voice. Are you feeling very unwell? Did you take your medicine, no, did you eat?”

“Did you, Mom?”

“I ate, of course. Aunt Young-ah boiled pork today. I brought some freshly made kimchi and ate until I was stuffed.”

“You made kimchi now?”

“We finished the last batch, so we made more. How long are you staying this time? I’ll pack some for you when you leave.”

His mother, with her wrinkled hands, brushed back his sweat-soaked hair and smiled.

Bodam’s back was quite damp, indicating he had a high fever while sleeping.

Regardless of whether he was sick or not, Bodam smiled even brighter, as if competing to see who could smile more beautifully.

It was the brave smile he learned from his mother.

Bodam’s first year at the Center was the hardest period for Geun Young.

She had to take care of her husband, who was sick in bed, and work to pay off the monthly loan interest by herself.

She worked every day, without weekends or holidays, and still had to contend with the guilt of not being able to properly care for her children.

Yet, Geun Young always smiled.

That was why Bodam smiled so well.

His mother was the reason he had no choice but to pick himself up even after almost suffering a terrible experience with an Esper in the early days of his employment.

Whenever he felt like the world was picking a fight with him, he thought of his mother.

She was as small as him, but she carried more burdens than him and still smiled, so he couldn’t help but smile with her.

Surprisingly, as he smiled, his life followed the laughter.

After six years, he had regained his daily life and almost paid off all the debts, so he had lived his life better than anyone else.

And yet, his mother would apologize whenever she had a chance.

She apologized on behalf of his father, who had closed his eyes and left long ago.

Sometimes, in front of her son’s gaunt appearance when he came home, her eyes would often well up.

And then she would say.

‘I’m sorry, Mom. For not knowing how to do anything.’

Every time he heard it, he was so dumbfounded he was speechless.

He also wondered what else she wanted to do for him.

His tear ducts would even throw an opening party without warning.

He desperately wished she would just stop apologizing now.

He had only ever kept those words hanging in his throat, fearing they might hurt his mother.

Anyway.

It was all in the past.

Bodam sat up and hugged his mother.

He patted her hunched back, which had always taught him how to live life to the fullest.

“Mom.”

“Yes?”

Bodam, burying his face in her narrow shoulder, whispered.

It was something he had always wanted to say after paying off all the debts, saving enough money to move into a nice house, and leaving the Center.

“You worked hard.”

She was truly a kind and good person.

All his clean qualities definitely came from his mother.

Even the wild Yoon Bomi living like a normal person was due to her inheriting his mother’s rounded qualities.

Bomi, who quietly postponed college and worked to cover the rent, only became a less fresh freshman last year.

Bodam couldn’t be prouder of Bomi, who saved up her own college tuition and even prepared for admissions.

He would tease her, saying even pigs have amazing talents for rolling, but he was as proud as if it were his own news when she got accepted.

Bodam, hugging his mother, repeated the same words.

He conveyed his feelings as if dotingly, saying, ‘You worked hard, beautiful Geun Young.’

‘We’ve really suffered a lot, so now is the time to enjoy the happiness we’ve gradually prepared.’

Thanks to the miraculous fortune that appeared, giving a booster to their happiness.