Chapter 36: Episode

When Yu Xi finally recovered his senses, he discovered he was sitting in Lin Shuhuai’s lap, having his tears wiped away.

Just like when he was a child, he sat sideways across one of Lin Shuhuai’s thighs, his back resting against the older youth’s arm. Only back then, curled in the embrace of a Lin Shuhuai who was seven years his senior, he had seemed exceptionally small, making him feel that Lin Shuhuai’s embrace was massive and his chest incredibly broad.

Discovering that he was being held like a child now that he was grown, Yu Xi’s immediate reaction was shame. His face flushed instantly, and his tears ground to a halt.

“Done crying?” Holding a tissue, Lin Shuhuai bore a trace of a smile, looking at Yu Xi teasingly.

Yu Xi lowered his head, hiding his embarrassed state. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to cry…”

The tenderness in Lin Shuhuai’s eyes verged on deep affection.

The youth in his arms likely had no idea how beautiful he looked when he cried. When tears welled up and swirled in eyes brimming with sorrow, they resembled brilliant, light-filled glass beads; once overflowing, they cascaded down like condensed crystal, hanging from his long lashes and cheeks while the corners of his eyes and the tip of his nose flushed red.

He made no sound when he wept, completely unaware, driven solely by an uncontrollable surge of emotion.

Lin Shuhuai knew Yu Xi was shedding tears for him—shedding them for the fifteen-year-old Lin Shuhuai. Yet, whether at fifteen or during the years that followed, Lin Shuhuai had never felt his own life was particularly worth grieving over, nor had he felt indignant. He had simply assumed this was an inescapable destiny.

What right did he have to feel wronged? Just as his parents and outsiders proclaimed, since he was born into the Lin family, enjoying fine food, exquisite clothing, and a pampered upbringing from youth—basking in material luxuries provided by the family that ordinary people could never possess—he ought to offer returns or shoulder the responsibility. To demand too much would be excessively selfish, greedy, and ungrateful.

But… catching sight of Yu Xi’s tears. Lin Shuhuai felt his heart grow heavy, as if filled by something incredibly warm, delivering a numbing sensation of absolute satisfaction that reached his bones.

So this is what it feels like to be cared for, to have someone’s heart ache for you?

Involuntarily, Lin Shuhuai reached out, cupping Yu Xi’s downcast face to observe his tears from a closer vantage.

Once Yu Xi realized he was crying, he quickly stemmed the tears and reined in his emotions. Clearly, Lin Shuhuai was the one who desperately required comfort, yet the roles had completely reversed…

Feeling ridiculous and ashamed, Yu Xi raised his hand to wipe his face haphazardly with a tissue, only making his face and the corners of his eyes redder due to his rough movements. Sniffling, he scrambled out of Lin Shuhuai’s embrace, nudging the bowl on the small overbed table forward. “Brother Shuhuai, eat quickly, otherwise it will get cold.”

Lin Shuhuai’s physical health was the more pressing matter. After reminding him to eat, Yu Xi immediately went to look for the Lin family’s medical box, only to find an assortment of miscellaneous medicines inside. Most were topical wound treatments, stomach medicines, cold remedies, and even insomnia medication. However, with the exception of the sleep aids, almost all of them had expired. This starkly illustrated how derelict Lin Shuhuai’s parents were, as well as the sheer severity of Lin Shuhuai’s self-harm, bringing another wave of bitterness to Yu Xi’s heart.

With no other choice, Yu Xi ordered a delivery. Carrying the supplies upstairs, he tended to the fresh cuts on Lin Shuhuai’s forearm.

He proceeded with absolute caution, terrified of causing Lin Shuhuai pain, completely forgetting that to the current Lin Shuhuai, pain was a reward.

“Don’t worry about hurting me,” Lin Shuhuai said.

Yu Xi nodded, too preoccupied to offer a spoken reply. His brows were tightly knit as he focused entirely on disinfecting the wounds with a cotton swab.

By the time he finished, the intense tension had caused a layer of sweat to break out across his forehead, and he let out a long breath.

“Next time, don’t…” The words of instinctive counsel ground to a halt. Yu Xi reacted a beat late, realizing that such words were far too superficial and entirely useless at a time like this. Vexed by his own slip of the tongue, he bit his lip hard.

“Xiao Xi.” Lin Shuhuai prompted him to lift his head. Once the youth looked over, he asked softly, “Are you willing to accompany me to see a doctor?”

In an instant, the dejection in Yu Xi’s eyes vanished, lighting up completely. Without a shred of hesitation, he nodded heavily. “Mhm!”

A smile gradually bloomed across Lin Shuhuai’s face as well, and he resumed eating the bowl of warm dumplings.

“What has Xiao Xi been busy with lately?”

Inside Room One of a private club, Sheng Yunjuan hung listlessly halfway across the sofa. Dangling her legs, she fired off messages on her phone, her expression utterly disgruntled.

“I told him I’d pick him up after his classes to grab dinner outside, but he said he had other things to do. I feel like I’ve barely seen him a handful of times this past half-month. “Brother Shuhuai is the same—acting all mysterious all day and not saying a word in the group chat.”

“What’s so strange about him not showing his face? The moment he’s idle, he shrinks back into his house.” Zhang Xingkuo used his foot to hook August—who was biting his shoe—far away, his tone dripping with jealousy. “Xiao Xi is either keeping Meng Shen company or has been abducted by Gu Chuanzhou. Only those two monopolize Xiao Xi every single day.”

Sheng Yunshu calmly flipped the page of her manga and noted, “He isn’t at Ah Shen’s place today.”

“Then it must be that guy named Gu!” Zhang Xingkuo sneered.

Sheng Yunjuan thrashed a throw pillow, joining in on the cursing, “That absolute dog.”

Meanwhile, outside the main gates of a university.

Inside a luxury sedan, Gu Chuanzhou sat parked by the roadside. With one hand resting on the steering wheel and the other holding his phone, he spoke in a gentle tone, “It’s fine, nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to come see you and brought a few things… It’s fine, it doesn’t matter to me. Let’s wait until next time.”

The youth’s voice filtering through the phone was faint and soft, causing one to relax into it unconsciously.

Yet, after hanging up the call, the man stared at the dessert on the passenger seat that he hadn’t managed to deliver, his expression sinking bit by bit. The gentleness and tranquility from a moment ago vanished, leaving behind only endless anxiety and a scratching, illusory pang of yearning.

For an entire half-month, he hadn’t managed to see him. Even when he asked, he received no concrete answer.

Click.

Gu Chuanzhou flipped open a hidden compartment in the car, staring dazedly at a photograph concealed within.

…Just who exactly was his Xi Xi spending time with?

“Xiao Xi.”

Yu Xi lifted his head to respond, slipping his phone away as he looked toward Lin Shuhuai, who was stepping out of the consultation room. He hurried forward to meet him. “Is it over, Brother Shuhuai?”

Lin Shuhuai nodded. “Mhm. For this follow-up, the doctor primarily wanted to check how I’m responding to the medication. He prescribed some new ones and mentioned the side effects might be rather severe.”

Yu Xi glanced at the quantity of medicine in the bag; it was half as much again as the previous prescription.

During this period, he paid close attention to Lin Shuhuai’s condition, and Lin Shuhuai would actively report to him, taking photos to prove he was taking his medication properly.

However, because he had to attend classes and his part-time job, Yu Xi couldn’t accompany Lin Shuhuai every hour of the day. To this end, he had already requested a leave of absence from his club president, seeking out Lin Shuhuai whenever he had free time. Only by witnessing his state with his own eyes could he truly find peace of mind.

Most of the time, Lin Shuhuai behaved exactly as he used to in front of him. Yet, with every meeting, Yu Xi would notice different symptoms—a pale complexion, a lack of appetite, lethargy, or bloodshot eyes.

Furthermore, he had become far more prone to oversleeping than before.

On the drive back, Yu Xi asked Lin Shuhuai what he wanted to eat later. Receiving no response, he turned his head only to find that the older youth had leaned against the car window and fallen asleep at some unknown point.

Lin Shuhuai possessed a large frame, but because he never ate properly, his physique leaned thin. Now, due to the treatment, he had shed even more weight, giving off a gaunt, skeletal impression. Yet, whenever those eyes—which seemed utterly incapable of finding interest in anything—looked over, they would always carry a gentle smile. This left Yu Xi entirely unable to bear abandoning him to isolation.

He was supposed to return to the university early, but on this day, he stayed behind to accompany Lin Shuhuai for dinner.

Dinner was prepared by Lin Shuhuai himself.

Seeing Lin Shuhuai step into the kitchen for the first time left Yu Xi somewhat astonished. What he produced was no simple meal; not only was the presentation aesthetically pleasing, but the flavor was exquisite, resembling dishes from a five-star restaurant.

“Do you feel it doesn’t match what I’m capable of?” Lin Shuhuai chuckled softly upon seeing Yu Xi’s incredulous expression.

Yu Xi nodded, then immediately shook his head, offering a tactful explanation. “I thought… you wouldn’t enjoy doing something so… trivial and troublesome.”

“Mhm, I indeed don’t like it. Even if I know how, I rarely do it, and what I make usually leaves me with no appetite. But because I have you accompanying me today, I suddenly found the motivation.” Lin Shuhuai pulled out a chair, gracefully extending his hand to gesture a polite invite, speaking in a solemn, formal cadence, “Come, Mr. Yu Xi, please take a seat. I wish you an enjoyable dining experience.”

Amused, Yu Xi sat down properly, cleared his throat, and responded in an equally solemn tone, “Thank you.”

After the meal, Yu Xi watched Lin Shuhuai take his medication, followed by his routine inspection.

He rolled up Lin Shuhuai’s sleeve, letting out a sigh of relief upon seeing that the cuts on his forearm had fully healed, leaving behind only a few faint marks.

Although he knew Lin Shuhuai wouldn’t lie to him, he still checked other areas as thoroughly as possible to ensure everything was in order.

Allowing him to carry out his actions, Lin Shuhuai noted softly, “Since I said I would listen to you, I will definitely do so.”

Yu Xi offered a slight smile. “That’s good.”

“Mhm, that’s good.”

…

The entire day had proceeded incredibly smoothly, and Yu Xi should have been able to return to the university with peace of mind. The disaster struck just as he was about to leave—Lin Shuhuai suddenly vomited up all the medication that hadn’t yet dissolved in his stomach.

The situation deteriorated rapidly.

Yu Xi called the doctor to ask for guidance, then helped Lin Shuhuai take a supplementary dose.

“Are you uncomfortable?”

Facing his worry, Lin Shuhuai merely shook his head with a smile. “I’m fine. I’ll be better once I fall asleep.”

Having retaken the medication, it wasn’t long under the sedative effects of the drugs before Lin Shuhuai leaned against the headboard and fell asleep.

Yu Xi pulled the blanket over him, then inspected and tidied the room. Ultimately, looking at the time, he realized he wouldn’t make it back before the dormitory curfew. He simply chose to stay behind, text-messaging his roommate to help him cover for roll call—this was his very first time surreptitiously staying out overnight, but it was an absolute necessity.

Fortunately, the Lin residence did not lack places to sleep; there were several sofas in the bedroom alone that one could lie upon.

Yu Xi selected a position where he could observe Lin Shuhuai at any given moment and lay down, intending to just endure for one night.

In the middle of the night, he suddenly jolted awake. Sitting up, he discovered the person on the bed was gone, and his heart instantly panicked.

“Brother Shuhuai—”

Yu Xi quickly noticed a dim light emanating from the bathroom. Searching his way over, he found Lin Shuhuai curled inside the bathtub. He was clutching his own arm, aggressively scratching at the newly healed wounds, tearing them open by brute force until his fingernails were caked in blood.

A razor blade lay outside the bathtub; it was highly likely that Lin Shuhuai had experienced an intrusive, harmful impulse and had grit his teeth to endure it.

Yu Xi’s pupils contracted. Stepping forward, he grabbed Lin Shuhuai’s hands to halt his self-destructive behavior.

Yet, Lin Shuhuai didn’t seem entirely lucid. His strength was astonishingly massive, and no matter how Yu Xi tried, he couldn’t pry his fingers apart, a string of blurred, indistinct murmurs slipping from his mouth.

Yu Xi leaned close to listen intently, hearing him say he was cold. He hurriedly retrieved a plush blanket, and upon draping it over Lin Shuhuai, he found the older youth was still shivering. Thus, he reached out to wrap him in an embrace.

Compared to Lin Shuhuai’s stature, it was rather strenuous for Yu Xi to wrap his arms around his entire body. He could only press Lin Shuhuai’s head against his own chest, continuously stroking his back, speaking to distract Lin Shuhuai’s attention.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m right here, Brother Shuhuai. I’ll stay with you.”

He offered comfort for a long duration, repeating those exact words. Gradually, Lin Shuhuai’s breathing leveled out, his shivering ceased, and he finally registered the words.

“Xiao Xi.”

Seeing that Lin Shuhuai had stopped clawing at himself, Yu Xi let his suspended heart settle down a fraction.

After a considerable while longer, Lin Shuhuai fell completely quiet, buried against Yu Xi’s chest without moving a muscle, looking as though he had fallen asleep.

Yet, the moment Yu Xi made the slightest movement, he instantly peeled his eyes open.

“Brother Shuhuai, let’s go back to bed to sleep, alright? Don’t you like lying in soft, warm places the most? Staying in the bathtub will cause you to catch a cold, and it’s uncomfortable.”

Lin Shuhuai, however, refused to stir. “Xiao Xi is softer and warmer than the bed… I like it like this. Don’t let go of me.”

“…” Yu Xi had no choice but to tighten his embrace once more.

It wasn’t until he accidentally let out a soft sneeze that the stubborn Lin Shuhuai immediately relented, stating they should return to the bedroom.

When Yu Xi stood up, his knees were nearly numb from kneeling in the bathtub for so long. Knitting his brows, he forced himself to endure the ache, offering a slight smile as he extended his hand to Lin Shuhuai. “Come on.”

Once Lin Shuhuai returned to the bed, Yu Xi went to retrieve the medical box. His actions were already incredibly swift, yet during those mere two minutes of being left alone, Lin Shuhuai began to display abnormal behavior once more.

When he engaged in self-harm, he was often entirely unconscious of it. It was only upon seeing Yu Xi appear at the doorway that he snapped back to his senses. Discovering that he had lost control yet again, shame and remorse instantly welled in his eyes. Turning his hand to cover his face, he choked out, “I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s not Brother Shuhuai’s fault,” Yu Xi interrupted. Stepping forward, he once more embraced Lin Shuhuai, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, patting his back. “I know you didn’t mean to. You’re just sick and can’t help it. We will get it cured.”

“Can it really… be cured…?” Lin Shuhuai asked, as if talking to himself.

Yu Xi instinctively wanted to say “it will,” but he choices to pause, acutely discerning that Lin Shuhuai’s episode this time was entirely out of the ordinary.

Lin Shuhuai lowered his hands. His face was caught half in the glow of the bedside lamp and half shrouded in deep shadows. The rims of his eyes were crimson, yet his gaze was entirely hollow, his pupils faintly trembling. His state resembled a person standing on the absolute edge of a precipice, teetering precariously, liable to plunge into a bottomless abyss at any given second.

Stared at by that bizarre gaze, a chill ran down Yu Xi’s spine. He offered an uneasy, gentle prompt, “Brother Shuhuai?”

Lin Shuhuai didn’t speak. He slowly slid down to sit on the floor. Just as Yu Xi reached out to support him, his ankle was gripped firmly, pulled toward the lower section of Lin Shuhuai’s torso.

Lin Shuhuai tilted his head up, offering a plea with an expression that seemed to sit between a sob and a smile. “Step on me hard right here, Brother… I beg of you…”