Chapter 45: Opening the Heart

Su Xuan tentatively shifted a little, and Shen Chao immediately tightened his arms, pulling him closer. He buried his face in the crook of Su Xuan’s neck, his voice muffled. “I want to take you to see someone.”

Su Xuan thought, ‘If it’s his parents, I’ve already met your mom, but Shen Chao, isn’t this progress a bit fast?!?!’

‘We haven’t even kissed yet, and we’re already meeting the parents?!’

On the surface, Su Xuan remained obedient. “Are we going to see Aunt Shen?”

Shen Chao’s voice was low, almost a whisper. “No, my psychiatrist.”

Su Xuan was bewildered. “…Huh?”

By the time Su Xuan sat down in the consultation room, he still looked utterly confused. He couldn’t fathom how he’d gone from a seemingly successful confession to having a psychological issue. Was Shen Chao the type to first screen a partner’s mental health before dating?

Did young people nowadays not only need physical checkups but also psychological evaluations before starting a relationship?

Shen Chao seemed very familiar with the place. He took Su Xuan by the wrist and led him in, speaking in English to a kindly female doctor sitting in an armchair. During the exchange, the doctor’s gaze occasionally drifted toward Su Xuan, meeting his awkward eyes. Each time, she would offer a gentle smile, as if to tell him to relax.

Su Xuan’s English wasn’t great, and both Shen Chao and the doctor spoke quickly. Based on his CET-4 and CET-6 listening skills, he could only make out that Shen Chao was a regular here for psychological counseling.

This was quite common among actors. After playing a role, especially if they had truly immersed themselves in it, they often needed some psychological guidance to adjust to different mental states.

Su Xuan had known since college that many famous Hollywood stars had regular therapists. But Su Xuan was poor; he’d never experienced such services. Instead, he relied on the “harsh training” of directors (namely Qian Huai) to adapt to his roles.

But it seemed Shen Chao had a regular psychiatrist. Su Xuan just couldn’t figure out how this stalker-like confessor was related to him.

Sitting nervously on the small stool, Su Xuan secretly peeked and saw the female doctor pull out a thick, record-like book from the top shelf of a tall bookcase beside her. It looked old, covered in dust, with a thick black cover.

She stared at Su Xuan for a long time before turning to Shen Chao. The female doctor seemed genuinely pleased with Su Xuan’s decision. Her voice was cheerful as she repeatedly asked Shen Chao, “Are you sure sharing this to him?”

Shen Chao glanced sideways at the anxious Su Xuan. His eyes were calm. After a few seconds, he replied, “Sure.”

Before leaving, Shen Chao bent down and hugged Su Xuan again. Su Xuan could feel a restless agitation simmering beneath Shen Chao’s composed exterior. It was so intense that Su Xuan felt uneasy. He could sense that Shen Chao wanted to do something very excessive to him, like biting him or something.

But Shen Chao held back.

Su Xuan was deeply troubled.

That damn, proud self-control of Shen Chao!

Shen Chao looked at Su Xuan and said, “If you finish listening to all of this and still want to be with me, then you’ll completely lose any future right to refuse me.”

After saying that, Shen Chao stared at Su Xuan for a long, long time. Then he lowered his eyes, turned, and was about to leave. Su Xuan nervously grabbed Shen Chao’s hand. “Wait! You want me to talk to this doctor alone?”

Shen Chao’s brow furrowed. His expression shifted from unease to dead calm. His eyes turned cold as ice, the light fading from them. His tone was flat as he countered, “Are you backing out?”

“No, no!” Su Xuan looked embarrassed, like a poor student. “My English is bad. I only scored 428 on CET-6. I passed by the skin of my teeth. I can’t understand what she’s saying…”

The female doctor: “…”

Shen Chao: “…”

Su Xuan hung his head in shame. “Can I… use Google Translate to chat with her?”

The female doctor couldn’t help but snicker. Shen Chao slowly, very slowly, averted his gaze from Su Xuan. The hand Su Xuan was holding twitched involuntarily. His voice low, he said, “No need. She speaks Chinese.”

Su Xuan was stunned.

‘Then why did you have to speak English just now?!’

‘Is it to look down on me, an academic loser?!’ Su Xuan felt humiliated for no reason!

Shen Chao finished speaking and left, locking the door behind him, as if afraid Su Xuan would bolt.

The female doctor saw the locked door and the increasingly confused Su Xuan, and couldn’t stop laughing. She introduced herself to Su Xuan. “Hello, I’m Andy, Shen Chao’s psychiatrist. You must be Su Xuan? I’ve heard your name many times from Shen Chao, but this is our first meeting. Hello.”

Although she looked like a typical Latina woman, her Chinese was almost accent-free, smooth with a slight regional twang.

Su Xuan felt a bit embarrassed. “Hello, since both you and Shen Chao can speak Chinese, why did he…”

Andy stood up and shook hands with Su Xuan. “He knew your English wasn’t good. He deliberately used English because he wanted me to tell you some things, not say them in front of you.”

Su Xuan clasped his hands nervously. “What things?”

Andy gestured for him to sit down. “I think if what Shen Chao has been saying about you is true, then I might know you better than you think. Relax.”

She got up, opened the thick, record-like book on the table, and carefully checked the entries. Su Xuan’s sharp eyes caught the name “Nelson” written in it. He knew that was Shen Chao’s English name. Andy gathered the “records” together, straightened them, and tapped them on the table. She looked up, and Su Xuan averted his gaze.

Andy smiled. “You don’t have to sneak a peek. This is Shen Chao’s complete file from his first visit with me to now. He just said I can show you everything, but you’ll need to sign a consent form promising not to disclose anything.”

Su Xuan blinked in surprise. “Everything?”

Andy nodded. “Yes, but with the patient’s consent, it’s permissible for you to see.”

“And,” Andy’s smile was meaningful as she ran her fingers along the spine of the file, “most of the information in here is related to you, Su Xuan.”

“Shen Chao started seeing me abroad, but then he interrupted the treatment. Later, I moved here and brought all his previous records. Before he turned 18, everything was in paper form. After 18, it was audio recordings from phone consultations, though there are also paper records.”

Andy seemed emotional as she touched the handwriting. “He’s been my longest and most difficult patient. He was transferred twice due to non-cooperation, then came back to me. There was even a period when he stopped treatment. I almost thought he’d never recover.”

“Now you’re about to see his files and recordings. You’re about to open Shen Chao’s heart, Su Xuan. What are you thinking right now?” Andy asked.

Su Xuan said nervously, “Do I have to say what I’m really thinking?”

Andy said, “Of course.”

Su Xuan asked, “I just want to know if the records are in English…”

Andy: “…”

Su Xuan asked with some despair, “Don’t tell me the phone recordings are also in English…”

Andy: “…”

Su Xuan’s listening comprehension was stuck at the level of New Concept English Book 1. He could make out things like “how much is the shirt” and “what time does the store open,” but that was about it. If a dialogue went on for more than five minutes, Su Xuan was completely lost. When he took the CET-6 listening test, he had to guess the long conversations.

Having Su Xuan listen to years’ worth of English conversations between Shen Chao and the doctor from age 18 to now…

Su Xuan thought that if this were a test, he’d turn in a blank paper.

The fact that Shen Chao could use English to encrypt information from Su Xuan showed just how bad Su Xuan’s English was. Su Xuan thought miserably, ‘Who would have thought? An unexpected English listening test has stopped me from opening Shen Chao’s heart and made our already not-so-wealthy love even worse off.’

Su Xuan looked hopefully at Andy, slowly pulling out his phone from his pocket. His big eyes were filled with the plea, ‘Teacher, can I cheat?’ He said, “Can I… use Google Translate to listen to the recordings and read the files?”

Andy paused subtly, then suppressed a laugh. “…Of course you can.”

Andy’s mood was complicated as she watched Su Xuan circle about two-thirds of the words in one record. There were indeed many technical terms in the psychological notes that even an average English speaker might not understand, let alone Su Xuan.

Su Xuan had a habit of skimming through English reading passages first to get a general idea, then looking up unfamiliar words. But in this record, he noticed a word appearing many times: “crush.”

In the record, Shen Chao said he had a strong “crush” on Su Xuan, which made him not want to see Su Xuan.

At first, Su Xuan thought it meant disgust or irritation, and felt a bit heartbroken. But after Andy saw that Su Xuan had circled the word “crush” twenty-seven times, she helplessly turned the file around. Andy seemed both amused and intrigued as she examined Su Xuan. She’d never seen anyone approach a psychological file with such seriousness, as if it were a life-defining exam.

Andy pointed to the circled word. “But since you don’t know the meaning of ‘crush,’ what do you think it means? What kind of strong feeling do you think Shen Chao had for you at that time?”

Su Xuan pondered for a moment, then made a bold guess based on context. “Homophobia?”

Andy: “…”

Su Xuan looked at Andy’s expression and reconsidered. “Hatred? Disgust? Annoyance?”

Andy was thoroughly amused. ‘Shen Chao liking you is really quite tough.’

She smiled. “‘Crush’ doesn’t mean fear or disgust. It means infatuation. Shen Chao’s ‘crush’ here typically refers to an unhealthy, abnormal obsession with someone he liked during his adolescence.”

Su Xuan was stunned. Then his face slowly, gradually turned red. He stared at Andy, then looked up the word himself, and finally raised his head in a daze to ask Andy, “Then why didn’t he want to see me?”

Andy flipped through the pages of the file in front of Su Xuan, revealing many, many “crushes.” She said, “Because these feelings were a burden to Shen Chao, and for you, they were a threat.”

“Why?” Su Xuan asked.

“Because they were uncontrollable and overwhelming,” Andy said. “Do you see? This is just a portion of the records. How many times did Shen Chao use ‘crush’ for you?”

She continued, “Even during our last phone call, Shen Chao said his crush on you was like an addiction, getting stronger and stronger.”

Andy closed the file and looked directly into Su Xuan’s eyes. “Do you know why Shen Chao brought you to see me before agreeing to be with you?”

Su Xuan shook his head honestly. He didn’t really know that much about Shen Chao. Many times, he didn’t know what Shen Chao was thinking. Fu Mu had even mocked Su Xuan for this, saying that he didn’t even know what kind of person Shen Chao was, yet he dared to impulsively like him.

But that was just it. Su Xuan was Shen Chao’s impulsive eighteen-year-old boy, and Shen Chao was Su Xuan’s belated crush that had lasted until he was twenty-two. It wasn’t rational, mature, healthy, or in line with mainstream values, but Su Xuan and Shen Chao liked each other.

Why did someone have to fully understand the other person before they could like them?

Fu Mu had said, “What if Shen Chao wants to hurt you?” Su Xuan replied, “I like him because I believe he won’t hurt me.”

Fu Mu asked, “Why do you believe he won’t hurt you?” Su Xuan said, “Because I like him, so I believe in him.”

Fu Mu was furious at Su Xuan’s circular self-justification of love, yelling that Su Xuan’s blind liking for Shen Chao would one day land him in the gutter, and that he would only wake up after being thoroughly hurt by Shen Chao.

But Shen Chao had never hurt Su Xuan. Su Xuan never woke up, so he just went with it, staying in that blind, persistent love for four whole years, only to discover that the other person had been silently, abnormally, and unhealthily infatuated with him in an inescapable “crush” for even longer.

Andy sighed. “The reason Shen Chao brought you to see me was to let you know what kind of person you would be with in the future. He wanted you to know all his thoughts, to be absolutely transparent and honest, and then let you choose whether you want to be with that Shen Chao.”

“But I think that the moment you opened Shen Chao’s file without understanding English, you had already made your choice,” Andy said with a smile. “Even if you couldn’t understand a thing, you still tried so hard to get close to Shen Chao. You really like him, Su Xuan.”

Su Xuan shyly nodded. “Yes.”

Andy’s expression became more complex. “But Su Xuan, Shen Chao also really likes you.”

She paused, placing her hands on the thick file, fingers interlocked. Her tone was gentle. “He liked you long before you liked him. Unlike you, Su Xuan, Shen Chao has a deep-seated sense of insecurity. He doesn’t believe any feelings can last, and he’s never felt such strong emotions for anyone. That scared him, so he didn’t want to like you. Shen Chao hated you, physically isolated himself from that love—stopped looking at you, avoided seeing you, refused to hear any news about you, even forced himself to push you away and rejected your confession.”

Su Xuan was stunned.

“Shen Chao thought that staying far away from you could stop these irrational emotions.”

“But he couldn’t control them. Instead, they grew stronger,” Andy sighed. “Every time Shen Chao came for a consultation, it was because of you. This thick book of records is all about his feelings for you: jealousy, resentment, hatred, and the tossing and turning, heart-wrenching self-analysis of emotions he couldn’t even identify.”

Andy flipped to a page with a list of medications and looked at them with a complex expression. “To control his feelings for you, Shen Chao took a lot of medication. He watched you when you weren’t looking, Su Xuan. This record could well be called his love letter to you.”

“But unfortunately, you’ve never been able to read it,” Andy said, tapping the thick black cover of the file. Her deep-set eyes made her gaze particularly penetrating. “Shen Chao fought with his feelings for you for four years. He was finally defeated by you, surrendered, and is willing to try a relationship that might not last forever, but one he will never forget.”

Andy looked up at Su Xuan, her tone serious, with a hint of pleading. “If one day you decide to leave him, and Shen Chao does something uncontrollable that hurts you, please don’t blame him.”

“Because… Shen Chao may have invested all his trust in any kind of affection in this world into being with you.”

Before leaving the consultation room, Su Xuan asked Andy if he could take the file with him or make a few copies. Andy asked why.

Su Xuan smiled. “Doctor, since you said this is a love letter Shen Chao wrote to me, I really want it.”

Su Xuan held the thick book, trembling. “…It’s in English…”

Andy said, “…Sorry, there’s no Chinese version.”

Seeing Su Xuan’s utterly distressed expression, Andy tried to comfort him. “It’s okay. You can use Google Translate.”

Su Xuan: “…”

****

When Su Xuan walked out of the consultation room, Shen Chao was leaning against the wall, staring into the distance at the end of the hallway. It looked like he had been standing there for a long time and hadn’t noticed Su Xuan coming out.

Suddenly, Su Xuan found this scene very familiar. Many times, when he looked at Shen Chao, Shen Chao was looking away somewhere else. Su Xuan had always been disappointed that Shen Chao never looked at him.

Except for that one time during the filming of “The Nine Outcasts,” when Su Xuan was caught sneaking a look at Shen Chao, and they locked eyes for a long time.

…A strange thought suddenly occurred to Su Xuan. His face started to flush, and his steps felt light. Avoiding Shen Chao’s gaze, he still asked, “Shen Chao, just now, were you secretly looking at me?”

If Shen Chao hadn’t been secretly watching Su Xuan all along, how could he always turn away at the exact moment when Su Xuan looked over?

‘Wow, I can’t think about this too much. The more I think, the redder my face gets! The more I think, the more I’m in love with myself!’

Su Xuan coughed twice and waved his hand hastily. “I was just joking…”

Shen Chao turned around, his face also seeming a little flustered. “You were also secretly looking at me.”

Su Xuan’s face exploded in red. He brought his feet together, his fingertips tingling. He whispered back, “Also?”

Shen Chao lowered his eyes, stood up straight, but kept a distance from Su Xuan. He changed the subject. “You… know everything?”

Su Xuan’s mind was still fuzzy. He took a step forward, closing in on Shen Chao, and asked again, “Everything?”

Shen Chao stepped back, creating space from Su Xuan’s advance. His expression was stern, his jaw tight. “…That I’ve liked you since I was eighteen, since the time we shared bubble tea…”

As he spoke, his eyes shifted away, unable to meet Su Xuan’s gaze. His Adam’s apple bobbed twice, as if he was being forced to reveal his most shameful secret.

Su Xuan’s eyes widened. “…Damn, you’ve liked me since that early?!”

Shen Chao turned his head abruptly. “Didn’t she tell you?”

Shen Chao turned too quickly, and Su Xuan was too close. Their noses were almost touching, their breaths mingling thickly. Su Xuan could feel Shen Chao’s heart racing; he could almost see his clothes pulsing with the violent beat. It thumped heavily against Su Xuan’s eardrums. He found it incredible that Shen Chao’s heart also pounded so fiercely when facing him.

Su Xuan had thought he was the only one whose heart beat like a galloping donkey when near the other person.

To keep his distance, Shen Chao pressed his entire back against the wall. Every muscle in his body tensed unconsciously at Su Xuan’s proximity, his collarbones raised. He averted his gaze from Su Xuan. “If she didn’t make it clear, you can go back in and ask for details.”

Su Xuan could feel the heat radiating from Shen Chao. His body temperature was rising rapidly. The veins on Shen Chao’s exposed forearm were clearly visible as he tensed. Shen Chao’s hands were slender and bony, looking elegant, but this aggressive state was rare.

Shen Chao was nervous.

His blood flow was speeding up, heart racing, temperature rising, breathing quickening, even starting to sweat.

Su Xuan remembered reading somewhere that a girl’s body temperature rises by 0.6 degrees Celsius when she sees someone she likes, because it’s the optimal temperature for ovulation.

‘What temperature is Shen Chao at now? Is it suitable for kissing? Is it the temperature of seeing someone you like?’ Su Xuan wondered dreamily.

He took another step forward, his knees almost touching Shen Chao’s. He lowered his head against Shen Chao’s chest, completely enveloped by him. Su Xuan asked in a barely audible voice, “If I want to kiss you right now, do I still need to go back and ask Andy something clearly?”

Shen Chao’s reaction was almost sharp. His chest heaved violently, and then his expression went blank as he said harshly, “No—” He suddenly gripped Su Xuan’s arms tightly, as if to push him away, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled him even closer. Shen Chao let out a breath and said, “You need to think carefully, Su Xuan. Don’t just casually do this kind of…”

Su Xuan laughed softly, cutting him off. “Shen Chao, when we filmed our first kiss scene in ‘The Quadrangle,’ you were the one who kissed me forcefully. And you did many NG takes. If you already liked me back then…”

“Can you tell me now, what were you thinking when you kissed me?” Su Xuan asked softly. “When you kissed me the first time, did you think it through?”

“If you hadn’t thought it through on that first kiss, then what about the subsequent NG takes? Did you think it through then?”

Shen Chao’s pupils contracted. He stood frozen against the wall like a statue, his head slightly lowered, hair falling to cover his eyes. His expression was unreadable, only his breathing was audible.

Seeing that he had teased Shen Chao too much, Su Xuan backed off, laughing as he raised his hands and took two steps back. ‘Oh well, if I can’t kiss him today, I’ll give up. No more being a flirt. Shen Chao looks so innocent.’ He sighed in surrender. “Alright, alright, I won’t kiss—”

“Mmph!!!”

Shen Chao wrapped an arm around Su Xuan’s waist, pulling him close. His palm was broad, fingers long and strong, able to encircle two-thirds of Su Xuan’s waist with his ten fingers. Through the thin layer of clothing, Shen Chao’s scorching heat seeped into him. Shen Chao closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Su Xuan’s. At such close distance, Su Xuan could see Shen Chao’s pupils moving restlessly under his eyelids, his long lashes trembling uncontrollably. A faint flush spread across his face.

Shen Chao only pressed his lips to Su Xuan’s, but Su Xuan could feel his teeth clenched tightly, as if he was struggling to resist deepening the kiss.

But even just lips touching lips made Su Xuan uncomfortable, and he let out a small sound.

Shen Chao kissed too hard. Su Xuan could barely breathe. His hands were locked by Shen Chao as if he were a captured prisoner. Shen Chao looked like he was kissing him, but Su Xuan felt as if he were being arrested.

Stimulated by Su Xuan’s sound, Shen Chao slowly tightened his hold. Su Xuan felt the clothes on his back being clutched tightly, the fabric rubbing against his skin with a fiery sensation. Shen Chao squeezed so hard it felt like he was trying to pull Su Xuan’s spine out through his clothes.

Shen Chao’s hand slowly slid up along Su Xuan’s spine, finally resting on the back of his neck. He lowered his head and bit Su Xuan’s lower lip, kissing him nearly at a ninety-degree angle.

Tears spilled from Su Xuan’s reddened eyes. His fingers spread out due to lack of oxygen. The air surged in his lungs but had nowhere to go, scurrying around his throat, making him want to cough. But he couldn’t open his mouth. He could only breathe in the air escaping from Shen Chao’s breath.

‘…Too fierce… Damn!’

After the kiss, the two held each other, breathing heavily. Shen Chao rested his chin on Su Xuan’s shoulder. He seemed to enjoy this kind of full-contact embrace. His hand still rested on Su Xuan’s waist. His breathing slowly deepened, his voice sounding nasal. “Do you want to be with me?”

Shen Chao’s tone was calm yet floating, as if he were giving Su Xuan one last chance to back out. But his arms were locked tight. Su Xuan felt that if he moved, Shen Chao would immediately grab him, just like before.

Su Xuan suddenly found it amusing. “Yes, I do.”

Hearing this answer, Shen Chao fell silent for a moment. His forehead rested against Su Xuan’s collarbone. His voice was a little hoarse. “How long do you want to be together?”

Su Xuan answered honestly, “I don’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I don’t know the usual duration for these things.”

Shen Chao’s head drooped, pressing against Su Xuan’s chest. The posture looked like a gun aimed at him, threatening all the unknown emotions inside Su Xuan’s heart.

He felt fear.

Shen Chao looked down, his voice low and gravelly. “Will you leave me?”

Su Xuan placed his hand on the back of Shen Chao’s head. He gently stroked Shen Chao’s soft hair, threading his fingers through it to soothe him. He said softly, “Shen Chao, apart from me actively breaking up with you, what else could possibly separate us? You should be able to accept that, right?”

Shen Chao asked, “What?”

Su Xuan said, “What if I die?”

Shen Chao: “…”

Su Xuan shrugged jokingly. “Thinking about it like that, doesn’t it feel better?”

Shen Chao looked up coldly, using one hand to pinch Su Xuan’s chin and seal his mouth shut. Somewhat forcefully. “Shut up.”

Su Xuan’s mouth was squished into a chicken beak shape, but he let out a laugh. He had just been joking.

His eyes were warm and soft, radiating the same warmth as his personality. He opened his arms and hugged the seemingly sulky Shen Chao, patting his back. “I think I’ll like you for as long as I live.”

“If one day I stop liking you, just consider me dead.”

After a long pause, Shen Chao said, “I’m going to get angry.”

Su Xuan sighed. “Then what will you do to me? What do you have to threaten me with?”

Given Shen Chao’s proud self-control, he could even hold back from using his tongue while kissing. When angry, the most he’d do is scold Su Xuan. Su Xuan was thick-skinned and not afraid of that at all.

Shen Chao stared at Su Xuan. Su Xuan saw him lick his canine teeth, his eyes cold and sharp.

Su Xuan instinctively stepped back. “What are you going to do?!”

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