Chapter 23: Dirty Thoughts

So-won’s assumption—that since it was a guiding manual produced by the Association and the state, it wouldn’t be anything remarkable even if it was labeled Adults Only—was completely wrong.

The illustrator’s skill was impressive enough to draw admiration, but the content itself called not for admiration, but for screams.

After checking the contents, So-won felt dazed and stared up at the ceiling for a moment.

He decided to postpone thinking about it.

With lifeless eyes, he skimmed through the explanations and flipped pages quickly.

But the moment he moved on to the next chapter, his brain all but went on strike.

‘Prepare… loosen with fingers… insertion?’

The more he read, the more he looked at the bizarre illustrations, the more So-won’s mouth refused to close.

His once-clear brown eyes lost their light and trembled pitifully.

He even buried his nose into the pamphlet to examine it closely, checking whether the scenes in the illustrations really matched what he thought they were.

The drawings—meticulously detailed down to the smallest parts—taught him new knowledge he never, ever wanted to learn.

Too shocked to muster the courage to read further, So-won hurriedly turned the page.

It was finally the last one.

Catching his breath, he checked it—and then his eyes flew wide open at the sight of “Recommended Positions for Effective Guiding.”

So-won slammed the pamphlet shut as if having a seizure.

‘What… did I just see?’

With Tae-woo?

He couldn’t believe it.

He opened the last page again.

Because multiple illustrations had been crammed onto a single page, they were less graphic than the earlier ones—but it was still painfully obvious what they depicted.

So-won shut the pamphlet again.

“……”

Unable to say a single word, he stared at the wholesome cover, trying to cool his head.

Unlike him, the two men on the cover—arms slung around each other’s shoulders—looked peaceful, as if trying to comfort him.

So-won wished he could squeeze in between them and forget everything he’d just seen, but after recalling the contents, a sudden sense of distance crept in.

After resting briefly, his shock-addled mind began to function again.

He knew that opposite-s*x pairs used stronger forms of contact than ordinary touch for guiding—but he’d never imagined same-s*x pairs would be the same.

To go this far just to guide someone?

It was far beyond what So-won could accept.

And yet, without realizing it, he found himself picturing Tae-woo.

‘What am I even thinking…’

The moment Tae-woo came to mind, a wave of self-loathing crashed over him.

So-won put the guidebook down.

It was ugly—so ugly he couldn’t describe it any other way.

The content was vile.

Printed fully in color, it looked like significant money and effort had gone into its production—but it was something that should never see the light of day.

With conflicted feelings, So-won stared down at the pamphlet.

Should he throw it away?

Keeping it felt deeply uncomfortable.

But disposing of it at Tae-woo’s house was dangerous.

If Tae-woo saw it while he was throwing it out, it would be disastrous—and even a cleaning service worker might stumble across it.

He briefly considered taking it outside to burn it, but the thought of the fire spreading made him abandon the idea.

In the end, the guidebook was sealed away in the deepest corner of So-won’s room.

Still shaken, So-won lay blankly on the bed until it was almost time for Tae-woo to return.

Then he went downstairs to wait for him.

If he stayed in the room, he felt like he’d miss Tae-woo’s return and remain trapped in shock.

The typhoon had passed, but summer wasn’t over yet, and the days were still long.

Even though it was past quitting time, the sun still shone brightly outside the window.

Sitting on the sofa doing nothing but waiting, the pamphlet’s contents kept resurfacing to torment him.

Faceless illustrations overlapped with images of Tae-woo and himself.

So-won turned pale, wanting to scream—but he snapped back to his senses, shaking his head violently to drive the thoughts away.

Still, once started, imagination refused to stop.

In a brief instant, the many images he’d seen flashed through his mind—now wearing the faces of Tae-woo and himself.

The harder he tried to stop thinking, the more vividly Tae-woo’s body took shape.

Having seen his body up close in the private room before made imagining it all too easy.

If only I hadn’t stared at him so much back then…

“Taewoo… I’m sorry….”

He couldn’t stop the guilt or the self-disgust.

Thinking such things about someone who had died so horribly filled him with endless shame.

If Tae-woo walked in right now, he didn’t know what face he could possibly greet him with.

Outside the window, the evening glow burned red.

The sky looked as if someone had dipped a brush into crimson paint diluted with water and swept it across the heavens.

Lying on the sofa, So-won emptied his mind while watching the clouds drift slowly past.

Just as the disgraceful fantasies starring himself and Tae-woo finally drew to a close, the sound of someone entering the passcode echoed from the front door.

Beep—beep.

So-won sprang upright.

Tae-woo was home.

“Welcome back.”

As Tae-woo opened the door and stepped inside, he came face to face with So-won waiting for him.

For a moment, Tae-woo said nothing.

He had imagined being greeted like this before—but never thought it would actually happen.

Until just days ago, the idea that someone might welcome a monster like him had been unthinkable.

“Yes.

Have you been resting well?”

The feeling wasn’t unpleasant.

Tae-woo didn’t deny that.

But he couldn’t simply be happy either.

Ever since meeting So-won, dirty desires had begun wriggling and growing in one corner of his heart.

Each time something he’d longed for was fulfilled, he grew greedy, wanting even more.

It was the same now.

Just because So-won had welcomed him once, Tae-woo found himself wanting to come home again tomorrow—to see this same sight.

He followed So-won into the house, quietly listening to the clear voice chattering beside him.

Warm air flowed through what had always been a cold, silent home.

With only So-won’s bright voice added, the house no longer felt like the place Tae-woo had lived in all these years—but like a home where people truly lived.

Had it ever been this lively before?

No matter how much he thought about it, the answer was the same.

It was the first time.

The bustle wasn’t bad.

He’d thought he liked quiet, but perhaps that wasn’t true after all.

Unlike other people’s voices, which felt only noisy, So-won’s gentle way of speaking was pleasant to hear—soft, bright, and cheerful.

Whenever that voice, no longer trembling, was directed at him, Tae-woo felt as though he’d become human.

Since meeting So-won, an ordinary life he’d never known before had begun to form.

When he woke up in the mornings, his body felt light, and he had the leisure to enjoy breakfast.

When So-won was beside him, sleep wasn’t just closing his eyes—it was a deep rest so profound he didn’t want to wake up the next day.

Lately, even his strength control had improved, and incidents of accidentally destroying things had dropped noticeably.

With So-won, he could breathe.

So much so that he couldn’t even remember how he’d breathed before.

Only beside So-won did his chest feel unblocked.

Whether it was because of guiding—or simply because his Guide was So-won—he could no longer tell.

“Tonight, maybe we can do guiding a bit earlier—”

Midway through his chatter, So-won suddenly stopped, as if something had occurred to him.

“Ughh—”

So-won’s face flared red.

It turned so crimson it looked like steam might rise from it at any moment.

Tae-woo looked at him, suddenly silent.

So-won glanced at him, their eyes met—and he jolted, hurriedly looking away.

“It’s… nothing….”

His voice grew quieter and quieter.

Only then did Tae-woo realize that So-won had been pushing himself.

***

After dinner and a thorough bath, everything was ready for bed—but So-won couldn’t easily make his way to Tae-woo’s room.

The pamphlet he’d barely managed to forget resurfaced, leaving him flustered.

They said a guilty conscience made one jump at their own shadow—and right now, that was exactly So-won.

Hoping Tae-woo would mistake his red face as lingering sunset light, So-won forced himself up.

Still, he needed to sleep—and he needed to guide Tae-woo.

Letting out a deep sigh, he headed toward Tae-woo’s room.

The arm he raised to knock felt unbearably heavy.

“Tae-woo, I’m coming in.”

Opening the door, he saw Tae-woo sitting on the bed.

With visibly awkward movements, So-won climbed onto the bed beside him.

Leaning against the headboard, he wriggled under the covers—and felt slightly better.

Before he could savor the comfort, Tae-woo’s wavelength jabbed into him, urging him to hurry up and start guiding already.

Remembering that Tae-woo was lacking guiding, So-won quickly began—and as if he’d been waiting, Tae-woo’s sharp wavelength surged forth.

So-won stared at Tae-woo’s hand for a moment before speaking.

“About the guiding being insufficient…

I didn’t know.

I’m sorry, Tae-woo.”

“It’s fine.

Even now, it’s enough.”

Tae-woo said that—but his wavelength was almost unchanged from when they first met.

Just as the physician had said, this level of guiding clearly wasn’t enough to help someone in Tae-woo’s condition.

So-won recalled the physician’s words about stronger guiding—and the pamphlet he’d been handed in secret afterward.

He didn’t want to admit it, but Tae-woo needed high-intensity guiding.