Chapter 33: I Have No Intention of Giving Up

He would understand if she said he looked like a pushover.

No, these days he heard “trash” more often?

Jin-yeop muttered to himself and laughed.

“Thank you.

It’s been a while since someone set a table for me.”

“…”

“Hospital food wasn’t agreeing with me, so thank you for thinking of me.”

“…It might not taste good.”

Eun-ru, awkward at the praise, answered hesitantly while pushing the side dishes toward Jin-yeop.

Jin-yeop, as if in response, picked up his chopsticks and tried the bulgogi that Eun-ru said he’d made himself.

He had told Jin-yeop he bought the side dishes from a store, but that wasn’t true.

It wasn’t that Eun-ru made them himself, but they were side dishes prepared by the housekeeper who took care of cooking and housework at his own home.

Since they were from someone with excellent cooking skills, the taste went without saying.

The problem was the bulgogi and stew he’d made himself, but even those used a recipe the housekeeper had given him, so they were trustworthy.

The problem was him, who had made them without being able to practice properly even once.

He regretted it.

If he’d known this would happen, he would have made them at home a couple of times.

While Jin-yeop’s hospitalization was unfortunate, since opportunities to stick close to him under the pretext of nursing might not come often, he had stayed by Jin-yeop’s side constantly and hadn’t been able to.

Watching Jin-yeop chew the food he’d made, Eun-ru swallowed and, the moment Jin-yeop swallowed, asked as if waiting.

“How is it?”

“Did you really make this yourself?”

“Of course.

I made it myself.”

“…”

“Why?

Is it not good?”

When Jin-yeop narrowed his brow and said nothing, Eun-ru grew anxious and asked again.

“It’s delicious.”

“Really?”

“Yes, honestly…”

It was beyond expectations.

He had planned to say it was delicious even if it wasn’t.

Since the person had put in effort, a little lie like that was nothing.

But the taste was far better than he’d expected.

It was almost embarrassing to even make the excuse that he had low expectations.

He himself wasn’t bad at cooking and wasn’t generous with his praise, yet still.

“Wow, I’m so relieved.

I was incredibly worried.”

“Do you usually cook for yourself?”

“Of course.

I cook often.

I like cooking.”

Eun-ru answered with a bright smile.

In fact, it was a lie.

Eun-ru had been hospitalized for so long that he’d never even had time for hobbies.

He had always eaten food someone else made; he could count on one hand the times he’d cooked for himself.

But so what?

Jin-yeop said it was delicious, and if he could keep seeing this face, his hobby from now on was cooking.

“If there’s anything you want to eat, just tell me anytime.

This makes me happier than I thought.”

Just the act of someone else eating his food—why did it feel this good?

Even if the compliment was merely flattery, Eun-ru couldn’t easily hide his excitement.

As expected, being in front of Jin-yeop made it impossible to suppress his emotional turmoil.

This was truly a first for him.

The only emotion strongly etched in his memory was pain, and enduring that was his entire life.

In the midst of those dreary, repetitive days, Eun-ru had taken no interest in anything.

Laughing or crying over trivial things like others do was difficult for him.

It was only natural, having crossed the boundary between life and death countless times and hearing year after year that he might never walk again.

He had never once struggled because he didn’t want to die.

Death didn’t frighten him much.

Watching his uncle and aunt secretly shed tears by his bedside as he slept, he sometimes felt a strange anger.

If they didn’t want to see their nephew in this state, they should just kill him with their own hands.

Don’t force a smile, don’t cry in secret.

And on days like Children’s Day or Christmas, don’t bring toys he wouldn’t even play with.

‘I just wanted to demand an answer.’

Why had they saved him, throwing him into that pit of despair?

He had clung tenaciously to rehabilitation thinking only of venting how much their hypocrisy had ruined him.

“Lee Eun-ru-ssi?”

Snapped back from being submerged in his memories by the voice, Eun-ru quickly came to his senses.

“What were you thinking about so deeply?”

“Huh?

Ah, no.

I was just thinking about what to cook next time…”

Next.

Eun-ru pronounced the word ‘next’ and involuntarily chuckled.

Next.

How had he come to utter a word like ‘next’?

“You weren’t listening to me at all, were you?”

At Jin-yeop’s question, Eun-ru’s eyes widened as he stared at him.

“Ah… yes.

I’m sorry.

Please tell me again.”

“I said I’m looking forward to it.”

“…”

“But you don’t have to live up to my expectations.

Just when you have time… no, when you have absolutely nothing else to do, then.

Anything.”

Jin-yeop said this and continued eating.

In truth, he had wanted to tell Eun-ru not to do this in the future.

Everything in the world can start with goodwill, but when repeated, it inevitably expects something in return.

Wanting to be repaid for sincerity is human instinct.

Doing something continuously without any compensation just because you like someone isn’t as easy as it sounds.

The day will surely come when you get hurt.

Even knowing that the other person has no obligation to return the same level of favor, the expectations only grow.

Knowing he should say that there was no need to try so hard because it was a heart that couldn’t be returned, Jin-yeop, seeing the Eun-ru he liked, couldn’t bring himself to say it.

It was because he now saw himself reflected in Eun-ru’s face.

As expected, in this state, he couldn’t hold anyone in his heart.

He hated himself for being unable to be cold, even as he felt unbearably sorry for that fact.

“Then shall we have pasta tomorrow?”

Eun-ru looked at Jin-yeop, who wasn’t meeting his eyes, and asked.

At his words, Jin-yeop lifted his head.

Eun-ru met his gaze and spoke.

“I’m scheduled to have an excess of free time tomorrow.”

“…”

“If you say ‘when you have time, when you have nothing else to do,’ then I’ll have no choice but to do it every day.”

“…”

“Running away like that, knowing full well what I’m going to say, is cowardly.”

Saying this, Eun-ru picked up some side dishes and placed them on Jin-yeop’s rice.

Jin-yeop stared blankly at his spoon for a moment, then answered in a small voice.

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t say that to get an apology.”

“I’m not trying to leave room for you.”

“Wow, that’s a bit hurtful.”

“…”

“Leave lots of room.

I’ll dig in even if there isn’t any, but it’s better if you give me some.”

“Lee Eun-ru-ssi.”

“When you don’t expect anything, I won’t do anything.

But hiding my feelings for you is a bit difficult.”

“…”

“Surely I’m allowed to do that much, aren’t I?”

It’s not like I confess every time our eyes meet.

Eun-ru muttered this, got up, opened the refrigerator, and took out a bottle of water.

Then he naturally took out cups, poured water, pushed one toward Jin-yeop first, then took his own and drank.

“Just as you said, Senior, I’m still young and don’t really know what to do with these overwhelming feelings.

You treat me like a child so well, so why do you treat me like an adult at times like this?”

“Well…”

“I’ve never experienced love that hurts or causes pain.

So I don’t know how scary or frightening that can be.

You might think that’s pitiful, but…”

“…”

“I have no intention of giving up my feelings for you just because of the possibility that it might happen.”

This wasn’t a path he had walked to hesitate and turn back.

He had no intention of explaining how much pain he had endured to get this far.

Eun-ru just watched Jin-yeop, who couldn’t easily answer.

He could only guess what kind of feelings Jin-yeop had harbored during his past marriage; he couldn’t know everything.

But even knowing wouldn’t change anything.

Just as he sometimes remained silent, even when he could guess what memories Jin-yeop was ruminating about concerning him, he ultimately said nothing.

“So until you realize what it means for me to give my all, don’t get hurt.”

“…”

“Don’t do things like what happened in the dungeon.”

Eun-ru deliberately lightened his serious voice and continued, as if grumbling.

“What were you thinking?

Did you intend to leave my first love as something so painful?”

“No, not that.”

“Then never do that again from now on.”

“…”

“You don’t have to repay me, you don’t have to reciprocate.

Just never get hurt or disappear.”

“If I disappear…”

“…”

“Would you be very sad?”

At Jin-yeop’s question, Eun-ru let out a disbelieving scoff.

“How can you even ask that?”

“No, I just…”

“If you want to be a love I can never erase from my heart, whatever that means, then do it while you’re alive.

I’ll let you do it to your heart’s content.”

“That’s nonsense.”

“Huh?

How long has it been since I told you, and you’re doing it again.

What did I just say?

I said my heart is my own, didn’t I?”

Complaining that he was about to die of injustice, Eun-ru gulped down the water he had poured, then urged Jin-yeop to finish his meal first.

At his exaggerated reaction, Jin-yeop couldn’t help but laugh.

The thought that had suddenly crossed his mind—how Jung-hoon would have lived in the time where he had died—mixed with the laughter and disappeared without a trace.

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