Chapter 42: Must love

How many more lives must I lose to get used to the pain I feel each time I die?

Having already surpassed triple digits, the feeling of stepping over the threshold of death, only to be granted a new life and turning back, was utterly horrifying.

If I were to explain it… though I can’t guarantee it’s an accurate description.

It’s the feeling of having to chew and swallow a sponge soaked with dirty water.

It’s not that I despise dirty water, despite wielding magic that originates from water.

If that were the case, I wouldn’t have touched the water bottle filled with cigarette butts when I first encountered Happy in my 132nd life.

Nor would I have fallen into the sewer while embracing Joy.

But it’s a different story when dirty, smelly water is poured into my mouth.

If the amount is so great that I can’t easily swallow it, and it invades my esophagus and trachea indiscriminately?

Then it’s not a matter of how familiar I am with water, but a matter of how intense the torture is.

And it doesn’t end there.

Even after swallowing all the dirty water, the sponge still remains.

I have to chew and swallow it again and again.

Even though it’s not food, and it’s something I shouldn’t put in my mouth.

The feeling at that time is truly…

So severe that the dirty water feels like nothing.

Because it’s synthetic resin, the act of cutting it finely with my teeth doesn’t work properly, and if I try to force it, I even end up biting my tongue.

The feeling of having to endure the nausea that erupts from being tortured with dirty water, just to swallow the sponge.

The feeling of having jagged wounds carved into my esophagus because it’s a substance that humans shouldn’t eat, no matter how I swallow it.

Finally, the feeling of the sponge settling in my stomach and swelling up as it absorbs gastric acid.

So, ‘it was.’

[Returning to the most recent save point.]

[Resetting the objective. Please wait.]

[Reset complete.]

[Reset objective: Eliminate the magical girl Happy.]

[Reward: The destruction of this world.]

When I opened my tightly closed eyes, overwhelmed by pain, and faced the translucent message window, rage soared.

I was consumed by the urge to kill Happy right away, who had dared to inflict misery upon me, the queen of the evil organization Dark Moon.

Unable to do so, I would chew and swallow the past life I had died in, vowing to achieve my goal in this life, no matter what.

That’s what it was like when my death count was still in the double digits.

What about now?

To be honest, I don’t feel anything.

Having never been able to suppress my anger, and conversely, having mourned long ago,

it was only natural that I would suffer from lethargy since I no longer had any emotions to pour out.

I just wanted to avoid unhealthy feelings.

It was the same in my 133rd life.

I knew that my 132nd life had been excessively stimulating.

I had been kidnapped, imprisoned, and abused, things I had never experienced in my life, and I had been confessed to by an enemy I had to kill, and forced to love her.

But it wasn’t like I had been subjected to it without resistance.

This time, I knew how to feel emotions.

“Nothing has changed.”

I was overwhelmed by the lethargy that had come without fail.

I almost couldn’t open my slowly closing eyes and nearly fell asleep.

If there was a reason why I couldn’t,

it was partly because the rain falling on my head was quite bothersome.

But it’s also because I am the queen of the evil organization Dark Moon.

If there was even one person who knew how hard I had worked and how much I had suffered, I could fall asleep without worry.

“No one knows.”

I didn’t want to become a fool who closed her eyes even after seeing her subordinates behind the translucent message window.

When I reached out and brushed away the translucent message window, they, kneeling on the floor and bowing their heads, were clearly visible.

They were showing their loyalty to me, and among them was Alpha.

Sitting on the bed, forgetting the sight of me committing suicide…

No, occupying the front seat without even knowing that such a thing had happened.

“Ha.”

From that moment, I struggled to escape from the lethargy.

I thought that way because I had decided on the ending in my 132nd life, but I shouldn’t treat them as expendable even in my 133rd life.

So, I repeated inhaling deeply and exhaling.

It was an action to forget the emotions that had not ended in the past life and had followed me into this life.

“Happy.”

In addition to that, I used various methods to completely escape from the lethargy before opening my mouth.

I deliberately muttered the name of that damned magical girl and recalled the memories we had enjoyed together in the rented room.

The purpose was to figure out if the emotions that had driven my 132nd life to the edge of the abyss were still valid.

“Hoo.”

The sigh I let out this time was a sigh of relief.

Fortunately, my heart didn’t flutter uncontrollably, nor did I unconsciously cut my palm with a knife.

Those were punishments and habits that only applied to my 132nd life, and they didn’t follow me into my 133rd life to torment me.

Then, wouldn’t it be right to say that this is my victory?

I had escaped from the magical girl who forced me to love her

and in the end, I didn’t love her

and I had gained a lot in my 132nd life, but Happy wouldn’t have anything.

“There are still some things I don’t know, though.”

That much should be okay.

While organizing the information I had obtained in my past life in my head, I straightened my bent back.

It had been quite a while since I had properly felt the sensation of the soft yet firm throne.

Then, I opened my mouth.

Because of the bizarre act of slitting my own throat

and being tormented by the feeling of chewing and swallowing a sponge soaked with dirty water,

I wanted to put something in my mouth that would refresh it.

If there were peppermint candies, that would be fine, but this is a space for the queen of the evil organization Dark Moon.

There’s no way children would need candies, so I filled my mouth with rainwater overflowing from the ceiling until it was full.

That b*tch doesn’t even know that I repeat this act a whopping 83 times.

Then I will ask again, ‘Why?’

She will ask why or lower her head, saying no.

…
…

But no matter how long I waited, Alpha didn’t open her mouth.

Even after rinsing my mouth with the water I had filled it with and spitting it on the floor, she didn’t look up at me as she used to.

“Alpha?”

“…

“Alpha?”

Filled with a strange feeling, I called out to Alpha, but there was no reply.

She didn’t even look up at me.

“Alpha. The Queen is calling.”

“Snap out of it, Alpha.”

Because it had never happened before.

The other subordinates also looked at Alpha with expressions full of question marks.

Some of them opened their mouths and urged Alpha.

“…”

But Alpha remained the same.

As if time had stopped for her alone, she didn’t move, with her head lowered to the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“Wait a minute. Why are you trembling so much?”

“Are you sick somewhere?”

At that moment, everyone saw and witnessed Alpha’s trembling.

It was a sight that the other subordinates were seeing for the first time, and it was a scene I had seen often, but it was something I had to forget.

The moment when that strong vampire, who didn’t even know what fear meant, felt weakness to the bone…

It was when she was defeated by Happy, the magical girl who had completed all awakenings.

Then… Alpha.

You… could it be?

No, that can’t be.

I shook my head from side to side to deny the thought that was rising in my head.

At the same time, I judged that this might be a dream, so I bit my tongue hard.

“…Damn it.”

It was reality.

It was weaker than cutting my palm with a blade, but I definitely felt pain.

“Alpha.”

I immediately got up from my seat and called out to Alpha.

The subordinates, judging that my frowning face due to the pain meant I was angry, immediately clung to Alpha.

Then, they forced her to lift her head.

“…”

But Alpha remained the same.

Without stopping her trembling hands, she looked at me with eyes that I could never normally see.

Eyes full of fear and terror, and other miscellaneous emotions, with not a single positive emotion contained within them.

It was the same look I had when I was not only kidnapped by Happy but also imprisoned and abused.

“I suddenly remembered something I need to discuss intimately with the Queen.”

Alpha finally opened her mouth.

I frowned at her voice, in which no strength could be found.

“Everyone, step back.”

Her actions as she slowly got up from her seat and turned around to look at her subordinates were not at all spirited.

Fortunately, they were puzzled by Alpha’s actions, but they didn’t resist.

As soon as they heard her words, they got up from their seats and left this space.

“Yeres Queen.”

When Alpha finally turned around again, in a situation where we were finally alone, I realized how seriously broken she was.

“Just what kind of life… have you been living?”

She was sobbing as she looked at me.

Was it because she had realized her own weakness?

Or maybe it was because she felt sorry for me, who was being swayed by Happy in my 132nd life.

“It’s okay.”

Whatever the answer was, it didn’t matter.

I didn’t want to know.

“I’m really okay.”

Rather, I hugged the vampire who had come to know fear tightly, to calm her down.