Chapter 44: Must love (3)

In the end, I was crushed by a terrible cold.

I didn’t cough often or suffer from headaches, but the rising body temperature was hard to bear.

“36.8 degrees Celsius…”

The only fortunate thing was, though I don’t know if I can really consider it fortunate.

As a result of measuring with a thermometer, my temperature was only 0.3 degrees higher than average, a level of fever that would improve with a good rest for the day.

The senses were different from usual, so the sense of alienation was severe, but I wasn’t so sick that my body was falling apart.

“Damn it.”

That was the problem.

Even though I am the queen of the evil organization Dark Moon and have experienced numerous deaths

I not only took off all the ornaments, including the crown, and lay on the bed but also buried my face in the pillow.

Because the cause of my suffering was not a cold, but the result of not being able to forget my 132nd life.

“Please forget it.”

A sensation that was familiar in my past life was very unfamiliar in this life.

The feeling of being caressed was quite ticklish, so I scratched my whole body with my fingernails, but I didn’t feel refreshed.

The feeling of something constantly tormenting the end of my heart made me shudder, so I turned my head to look, but there was no one there.

Since there was no one, the voice I heard in my ear was clearly a hallucination, but I smiled like an idiot at the excessively sweet yet thrilling tone.

I bit my lip, vowing that I shouldn’t do that, but then I longed for the kisses we had shared afterward, so I licked my tongue.

The feeling of constantly longing for someone swelled up.

I knew who that someone was, and I vowed that I shouldn’t think of her, but I couldn’t do it.

“Please forget it.”

At first, I judged that this was because I lacked water.

I had stopped the rainwater pouring from the ceiling, and I had been soaking my feet in the pool of blood for a while.

I thought that it was a cold that had come because the familiar space had changed into an unfamiliar space.

So, after sending Alpha, who was worried about me, back, I tried soaking my whole body in water.

However, it wasn’t because I lacked water that I was like this.

The elevated 0.3 degrees Celsius did not go down no matter what method I used.

It was the same even after leaving the throne and entering my private room.

I thought that I would be okay with the softness of the mattress and pillow, which I was feeling after a long time.

The result of thinking so naively is this shape, this form.

I hated myself a little for constantly longing for someone.

No, not a little, I felt disgusted.

“Ha.”

Another endless sigh flowed out of my mouth, to the point where I had given up counting at some point.

The headache, which I thought I wasn’t being crushed by, gradually worsened.

It was the price for wracking my brain to solve the terrible cold.

I hated the feeling of an unsolved problem irregularly pricking my brain.

“…Say something.”

I hated everything.

In the end, I shed tears.

“What do you want me to do?”

I didn’t want to start my 133rd life with a wet voice.

The way I blurted out in frustration was different from usual, so it felt awkward.

“Should I just collapse like this? Or does it mean I should strengthen my resolve?”

Even so, the red jewel embedded in the center of the necklace didn’t say anything.

I felt like I had become a madman, acting like this in a space where I was the only living thing.

No, I’d rather become a madman.

With that thought, I repeated crying and laughing.

Then my heart became empty, and I kept thinking of one magical girl.

…
…

I shouldn’t think of her.

“Kkeueuk…!”

After creating a blade with magic and slashing my palm deeper than usual, I felt a violent pain that made me sweat profusely.

The pouring blood dyed the blanket red, but I didn’t care.

More than that, I valued whether I had forgotten her with this pain.

“…I can’t forget her.”

Even humming the song my mother used to sing to me didn’t change things in a positive direction.

Rather, it got worse.

Her voice.

The emotions contained in her eyes.

Even the scent that came from her body.

I remembered them even more clearly than before.

The method that had been efficient in my 132nd life was useless in my 133rd life.

“Then…”

It might be a truly crazy thought, but wouldn’t giving up also be the right answer?

Ah, I don’t mean giving up on this life.

There’s no way that the feeling of loving Happy will be forgotten by moving on to my 134th life.

It’s a love close to a curse, so it will definitely be like that.

Then what do you mean by giving up?

You’re already addicted, aren’t you?

No, you’re already addicted to Happy, Yeres.

Don’t deny it.

Accept it.

Even if you can’t help it, how about swallowing it down?

You don’t want to do that?

But what can you do?

When I see it, you don’t want to forget your past life.

Just look at you.

What’s the reason why the queen of the evil organization Dark Moon is suffering from a mere 0.3 degree increase in body temperature?

It’s because it’s the same as the temperature back then.

It’s because it’s the same as the heat when I was sharing love with Happy in the rented room.

“No. No!!”

I denied the voice that was echoing in my heart.

The feeling of loving Happy is a punishment that should end in my past life.

No matter what, I didn’t want to love her even in this life.

Being terribly abused and then falling in love is too miserable a sight.

I made it a point that I should never do that.

“…Wouldn’t it be okay just once?”

No, I tried to make it a point, but I couldn’t do it.

The aftereffects of not forgetting the emotions of that time were terribly devastating.

“We’re going to meet as enemies anyway.”

So that must be why.

I sympathized with Alpha, but I wasn’t ashamed at all about the situation where I was also suffering from a cold.

It was the same when I created a blade and slashed my palm.

Alpha screamed, but I had completely forgotten what expression she had made at that time.

“Because I can’t… can’t do this every time.”

Slowly.

I knew I shouldn’t do it, but because I wanted to do it.

Very slowly.

I lowered my hand.

My chest had been squeezed after my whole body was molested.

After my chest was squeezed, I swallowed the saliva that flowed down my mouth.

And after that?

I had my first time taken away.

I lowered my hand, reminiscing about the memories of that time.

It was a gesture to abuse myself, unable to overcome the desire to feel it once more.

“…Ugh.”

I became aroused even though I had only touched it slightly.

The sight of it already being wet was funny.

My head was the same.

The wetness deepened as I continued to recall the love I had shared with Happy.

“No…”

My mouth and actions were separate.

I said I shouldn’t do that, and then I recalled that the fingers that Happy had inserted were the index and middle fingers.

I was desperately trying to forget Happy, even though I was determined to do the same.

“I said no…!”

I knew very well that it was a futile effort.

However, I didn’t know whether the mindset that I shouldn’t do this was futile.

Or whether the whisper that it was okay was futile.

Having never done it alone before, my trembling hand repeatedly touched and moved away.

“Just once…”

Then I feel like I can forget it.

If I can’t forget it even after doing this?

I don’t know either.

I don’t know, but…

I want to try.

I feel like I’ll go crazy if I don’t do it.

So I’m going to try.

I know I can’t do it.

But…

Knock knock.

At that time, I heard a knock.

I immediately got up from my seat, and my reddened face stood out.

I hurriedly poured the water cup placed on the shelf next to the bed into my mouth to calm myself down.

“Come in.”

The door opened, and the maid in charge of me entered.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m okay. How’s Alpha?”

I hated her but was also grateful for her at this time.

I was able to forget Happy because of the maid’s appearance, but I thought so because I didn’t want to forget her.

“When I went to serve her a meal a little while ago, she was sleeping. It seems like she was too tired today.”

“I see.”

Nodding, I gathered water to heal the wound engraved on my palm and washed the blanket soaked in blood at the same time.

It took a long time to clean up because I had shed a lot of blood.

The maid looked at me with an expression full of worry and opened her mouth.

“Are you okay, Queen?”

“I’m okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“…Then I will serve you dinner.”

She tried to say something more, but she closed her mouth due to the difference in status.

That was it.

I too resolved that I would no longer think of Happy and straightened my back, looking forward to dinner.

“This is…”

I shouldn’t have done that.

“It’s a dish called Dakgalbi. I brought it because you said you wanted to try it before.”

Even the food that the maid had handed me was a subject that made it easy to recall Happy.

Once again, the emotions of my past life began to rush in.

I have to forget her.

No, it’s okay even if I can’t forget her.

No, I have to forget her.

It’ll be okay. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her for sure.

You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

I have to forget her. You don’t have to forget her.

…
…

It’ll be okay even if I can’t forget her.

This time, I couldn’t bear it at all.

“I’m going out.”

After putting on the ornaments I had thrown off, I got out of bed.

“Where are you going?”

“You don’t need to know.”

“I understand.”

“Don’t tell the others. I’ll be right back.”

I didn’t even hear the second answer.

In fact, I couldn’t even know what expression the maid had made while talking to me.

I was just focused on gathering water and getting out of the headquarters of the evil organization Dark Moon.

I didn’t even plan meticulously how I would meet Happy.

I wanted to go to the house where she had imprisoned me right away, but it seemed too much of a nuisance.

I don’t know why it’s a nuisance.

I couldn’t understand why I thought that way either.

Unconsciously, I followed the flow that I had run away from in my 132nd life.

After swimming in the water and coming out, I saw a pawnshop.

It was the store that had been destroyed by Happy in my last life as a price for threatening me.

“What brings you he… Cough!”

I opened the door and went inside and unleashed magic on the old man with snow-white hair and beard.

Then, I deliberately repeated casting and dispelling magic and sat on a chair.

It was a signal to let her know that I was here.

“…What if she doesn’t come even after I did this?”

Feeling a little uneasy, I brought the 500mL plastic water bottle placed inside the pawnshop to my mouth.

I was afraid that my empty heart wouldn’t be filled even after meeting Happy.

Then, how should I live this life?

I became more and more anxious as time passed, and as a result, blood flowed from my gnawed lip.

“What are you doing, Yeres, Queen of the evil organization Dark Moon?”

It was a useless worry.

A magical girl appeared at the commotion I had caused.

The girl who opened the store door and entered was impressive with her pink hair and an outfit full of frills.

“I will defeat you for love and peace.”

I shouldn’t do this.

I became excited.

Long time no see, Happy.

I missed you so much, you who ruined my heart.

For the first time since starting my 133rd life.

A moment of brightly smiling had come.