Chapter 41: Watching him ride to War.

At the Duke’s soft voice, I raised my head in surprise. He was smiling. Not the taxidermy-like picture-perfect expression he usually made when hiding his emotions, but with a genuinely bright face.

“If you insisted on crossing the sea until the end, I would have stopped you at all costs.”

At the expression ‘at all costs’, I inhaled. The Duke’s long fingers dug between my fingers. The fingers, entangled like vines, tightened.

“By any means necessary.”

Contrary to the gentle expression, it was a very strong expression.

I blinked. The Duke’s fingers tickled my palm. As if to soothe me.

Knock knock. The knocking sound was heard again.

“Duke, it is time.”

Philip’s voice resonated from beyond the door. The Duke looked down at me without answering. I had to release his hand still entangled with mine, but I couldn’t take any action.

Knock knock. Philip knocked on the door again. Although Philip couldn’t open that door recklessly without the Duke’s response, his anxious emotions were conveyed.

If I let go of this hand, I have to send the Duke away. This young, beautiful man who just turned twenty-one, to the battlefield. To a place where not even allies can be trusted.

The Duke’s face blurred. I blinked again. His clearer expression seemed troubled, yet also extremely delighted.

Another hand, not the one entangled with mine, approached my face. Unlike the time he hesitated greatly and eventually couldn’t touch, his hand fully cupped one of my cheeks.

His face looked blurry again.

“What to do.”

Contrary to the content of his words, his voice felt excited.

His thumb wiped under my eye. Damp moisture was felt. Only then did I realize I was shedding tears.

“Are you sad?”

I blinked several times. Only then did the Duke’s face become clear again.

“No, I am not.”

“Regretful?”

“No.”

“Sorrowful?”

“…I don’t know.”

The Duke laughed with a bright face. Unlike the flower buds I couldn’t bloom in my dream, like flowers in full bloom.

“Sorry.”

Because the Duke’s face kept blurring, I had to blink several times again.

“But that you are crying because of me…”

His palm became wet with moisture, but he didn’t remove his hand.

“I’m happy.”

I couldn’t know the reason why tears kept flowing. But seeing him truly happy, I thought it was fortunate amidst the confusion.

Knock knock. The urging knocking sound rang again.

The Duke’s face blurred again. Fearing I might not remember his face, I shed the gathered tears repeatedly, but new tears filled up, keeping his face blurry.

“Just a moment.”

Instead of answering Philip outside the door, the Duke spoke to me. Just when I thought strength was entering his hand entangled with mine, I was pulled into an embrace.

“Just a moment.”

A subdued voice tickled my ear. The pulsation felt from his heart resonated loudly as if to make my heart beat too.

“Allow me, just for now.”

Only sounds originating from him could be heard.

The splendid ceremonial dress bestowed by the King became wet with my tears.

Knock knock knock. Philip’s knocking became faster and stronger. There really was no time now.

I inhaled. As I took a step back, strength seemed to enter the Duke’s hand holding me for a moment, but soon relaxed. As if he had never bound me.

I wiped my face with my palms. I clenched my palms, which became wet quickly.

“Always be careful.”

“I will.”

“Don’t get hurt.”

“Yeah.”

At the Duke’s ready answer, something seemed to catch in my throat again. I suppressed the impulse to close my eyes. If I turned away from this moment, I felt I would truly regret it.

“And…”

“Yeah.”

His blue eyes curved gently.

“If someone tries to harm you, Duke, do not hesitate. Survive.”

The expression gradually disappeared from the Duke’s face. Only then could I smile.

“By any means necessary.”

The innocent boy who confessed to me that he had harmed people had become an expressionless young man. However, I saw that face as proof that he was relieved.

“Jay.”

I was trapped in his embrace again. With my name.

The breath the Duke exhaled fell on top of my head. The hand that had let me go as if nothing happened was now gripping my shoulder with all its might.

The tears I left on his chest were still not dry.

“Jay…”

The Duke called my name like a groan. His pulse and body temperature were conveyed clearly to me again.

However, even clinging to him like this, I still couldn’t smell his scent. That was the reason I couldn’t hug him back.

“Jay…”

The Duke called my name repeatedly. I bit my lip.

I couldn’t open my mouth or make a voice. I didn’t know the name to give back to him.

The Duke’s lips touched my ear.

“…”

His voice was engraved inside me. I closed my eyes while trapped in his embrace.

****

Even after the Duke left, I couldn’t leave his room. Because I felt his scent might remain. Even though I couldn’t smell it.

How much time had passed? Was it when his scent still remained?

“Jay.”

I heard my name. Startled, I raised my head.

“Anna…”

What was I thinking? The person standing in front of me was the housekeeper Anna.

“Now we have to organize this room.”

She was hugging cotton cloths full in her arms. It was to cover the furniture that no longer had anyone to use it.

“But why Anna yourself…”

I couldn’t finish my sentence. Because Anna let out a deep sigh. The breath she exhaled seemed to reproach me.

It was a stupid question. Now, excluding Butler Philip, Housekeeper Anna, and Coachman Paul, there were only three servants left in this mansion.

Even when there were enough hands to entrust it to, Anna organized the Duke’s bedroom herself.

Anna moved her steps slowly. The hand stroking the table looked quite affectionate.

She also just stuck in her own room during the Duke’s Rut. She genuinely feared the Duke of that period.

But feeling lonely now was also her sincerity.

Thick cotton cloths were placed over the table and chairs. I stood blankly and watched the objects familiar to me being covered one by one.

The Duke interviewed the servants one by one, wrote recommendation letters, and sent them out of this mansion.

From the moment they left the Duke’s study, they couldn’t remember clearly what happened in this mansion. The Duke’s Rut or about ‘me’ were particularly faded parts in their memories.

Among the six servants left in total, Ian was also there.

I wasn’t unaware of that meaning. Even though I am scheduled to leave this mansion myself.

When the still harsh winter completely ends, and spring and summer pass and autumn comes, I will enter university. The Duke wrote a recommendation letter for me too, and it soon turned into an admission certificate and returned to me.

“Let’s go out now.”

While I was standing stupidly, Anna finished the work. The room, with everything covered by thick cotton cloths, was just dreary.

The desolate air cooled my face, which was soaked. Even though the window leading to the balcony was covered with blinds, winter wind seemed to leak in from somewhere.

I moved my steps searching for that wind.

My steps became faster and faster. As if possessed by something.

“Jay!”

Anna’s call couldn’t stop my steps. Before I knew it, I was running.

I faced the fierce wind. Still, I couldn’t stop.

Passing the wide garden, I reached the closed main gate. I felt already out of breath.

I forcefully opened the main gate, which was closed as if sealed after sending the master away. I knew where I had to head.

I ran for a long time. I couldn’t feel the cold wind anymore. My legs became heavy. Still, I kept running. Until I couldn’t go any further.

Waaaaah—!

People’s shouts informed me first that my steps chose the right direction. Standing in place, I gasped for breath. The people filling the square were all looking at one place.

People shouting loudly in their own ways shut their mouths all at once. Someone’s voice resonated in the silenced square.

“Soldiers, you have gathered here to achieve the glory of Henia!”

The voice of the person standing at the highest place at the end of the square resonated amplified through a loudspeaker. It was the King.

Taking advantage of the gap where countless crowds stopped in place to hear the King’s voice, I moved forward.

“Hey!”

“What are you doing!”

I was buried among people quickly. I moved further forward. My appearance became a mess squeezing through gaps forcibly, but more important than that was moving further forward before the King’s speech ended.

More. More. Just a little more.

“Glory to Henia!”

“Glory!”

People gathered in the square raised their voices in unison. My heart became urgent.

Waaaaah—!

Shouts rang again when I barely pushed through people’s limbs and stood in the front row.

I quickly raised my head. I tidied the collar of my coat and hurriedly swept my hair, messed up because the tie binding it disappeared somewhere, behind my ears.

The waves of cheers came closer and closer. And I came to see. The Duke, riding a large white horse and standing at the very front of the march, approaching slowly from afar.

Sunlight starting to rise above the royal palace stung my eyes. The light blurred mistily. I felt the cold wind again. My cheeks became cold as if freezing.

I blinked. Just like when I stood before the Duke. Only after repeating it several times did my vision become clear again, but soon it blurred again.

I rubbed my eyelids roughly. Moisture smeared heavily. I bit my lip.

Don’t cry. I couldn’t help but blame myself.

Don’t cry. You have to see clearly.

Promising myself, I opened my eyes wide. The Duke’s figure approached closer and closer. People’s voices rose higher and higher at his picture-perfect appearance.

It was a relief. That he was welcomed by people.

After leaving this place, they might even forget the fact that they cheered, but at this moment, those who saw him were captivated by him. Surely someday, those here will remember the brilliance they witnessed.

It was a relief. That I could see him.

Even though he cannot see me.

I had to smile. Like other people here.

Just as I was about to send the Duke off with a smile, belatedly.

I made eye contact with the Duke.